274 posts categorized "Elaine Viets"

October 09, 2011

The Great Playboy Scandal

By Elaine Viets

Buny photo The furor over the "Playboy Club" TV series reminded me of another scandal involving the cottontailed menace.

I’m not sure how you say Playboy in Latin, but I may be one of the few people outside the priesthood who studied that language in high school.

Latin, they said, would build character and discipline. I was a character, all right, but I had no more discipline than any other fifteen year old.

Latin, they said, give me a base to learn other Romance languages.Also wrong. After Latin, I floundered around in Spanish class. Today, I can barely order a taco in a Mexican restaurant.

I have no ear for languages. I took Latin for Mr. Henderson’s right eyebrow.

Mr. Henderson taught Latin at our Catholic high school in Florissant, Mo. In a desert of neutered nuns and priests, he was unbearably handsome. He was tall and well-muscled and looked like Sean Connery as James Bond – not that I could see one of those movies. They were banned by the Church.Sean-connery8

He had a way of cocking his right eyebrow that was positively wicked. Amo, amas, amat that eyebrow.

The curl that hung down his forehead like a question mark wasn’t bad, either.

Best of all, Mr. Henderson didn’t do any phony flirting. He just talked about his great love, Latin. He sincerely loved that language. I sincerely loved his eyebrow.

It led me through Caesar’s long, dull campaigns. "Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres . . . All Gaul is divided into three parts," he translated, raising that eyebrow like a bridge.

I crossed over it to slog through innumerable accounts of the Romans and their booty. They didn’t shake it, they took it.

It didn’t matter. I would follow that eyebrow anywhere.

And so went the most curious Latin class in history – row after row of lovesick schoolgirls and a couple of guys who were going to be priests.

It was a situation ripe for trouble. Sure enough, Mr. Henderson got himself into the great Playboy bunny scandal. Bunny logo

It started when we heard Mr. Henderson was engaged. We were shocked. It couldn’t be true. That eyebrow couldn’t belong to another woman.

Then the rumor spread through the school: Mr. Henderson was engaged to marry a Playboy bunny. With blond hair.

If it was true, it was really scandalous. It was a sin just to read Playboy magazine. God knows what would happen if you married a real, live bunny. I tried to imagine that eyebrow next to a blond bombshell in a cantilevered bunny suit with a fluffy tail. My eyes crossed.

The debate raged among the students at school. Was Mr. Henderson committing a sin? Would that eyebrow be twitching in hellfire?

Finally, someone was brave enough to bring it up in religion class, where we debated many great issues. We settled the question of what to do if we were adrift on the ocean in a lifeboat with three people. Could we eat one to save our own life?

The answer was no. All four had to die.

Personally, I planned to eat the weakest passenger and go to confession later. But I felt the chances of this happening in the Midwest were slim. So far, I hadn’t seen a lifeboat, much less an ocean.

Anyway, one brave student asked the teacher if it was OK for Mr. Henderson to marry a Playboy bunny. Without actually saying it, the young inquisitor gave the impression the woman was a walking occasion of sin.

The teacher raised both eyebrows at once, something even Mr. Henderson never did. Her eyes bulged. Her lips wiggled like worms on a hook. She struggled not to laugh.

Finally, she said something like what Mr. Henderson did in Holy Matrimony had the blessings of the Church. I can’t remember her exact words. They were too painful.

But I knew this for sure: Latin was a dead language.

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October 06, 2011

What Part of No . . .


By Elaine Viets   Scarlet Letter                          

"Wanna go up to my room?" Jack asked.

"Huh?" I said.

We were waiting for the doors to open for a hotel banquet. More than a hundred people were packed into the cocktail party before the meal. The room was hot, noisy and uncomfortable.

I was sure I heard wrong. Jack was my friend. Okay, he was someone I talked to at conferences. I liked him.

Jack knew I was married. I’d mentioned Don often enough.

He couldn’t be hitting on me.

He was. Jack invited me up to his hotel room for a quickie.

"I’m married," I said. "I’ve been married forty years."

I thought that staggering number would squash any further attempted friskiness.

"Me, too," he said. "Thirty-two." He grinned like he was proud. Of what?

"Excuse me," I said, and elbowed my way through the crowd to get away from him.

I haven’t lived a sheltered life. I worked some thirty years for newspapers, radio and TV stations. The news business is hardly a ladies’ seminary.

Hotel-key I know adults commit adultery. They also smoke, drink, cheat on their spouses and their expense accounts. I may have stretched some mileage figures but I don’t bed hop.

I take marriage seriously. I’d promised to love and honor Don. I made sure the word "obey" wasn’t in my vows. I wouldn’t swear to anything I couldn’t do. We’d agreed to love each other, and if the marriage didn’t work out, then we’d call it quits. But I wouldn’t make a fool out of my husband.

I’d always thought adultery was about revenge: It was a way for angry cheaters to get back at their spouses.

Many offices are like high school: People run in cliques. The drinkers meet at the same watering hole. The druggies have their own secret signs and signals, and mainly sell pot to one another. One of them, a middle manager I didn’t much like, was known to make a profit off his friends. They bought from him anyway.

The office cheaters were a rather dreary bunch who seemed to enjoy sneaking around. They got their kicks coming back to the office with faces flushed and clothes slightly askew. They enjoyed knowing the staff saw their minivan rockin’ in the company parking lot.Minivan

(Yeah, you read that right. A minivan. They were married with children. Stolen sex among the stale french fries. Gets ya hot, doesn’t it?)

The cheaters weren’t the beautiful people, either. The average adulterer was . . .well, average.

I don’t like displaying my vices in public. Like most of the staff, I went home to my family.

Whenever I started work at a new place, some of the cheaters would hit on me. Once I made it clear I wasn’t interested, they went back to their world and I stayed in mine.

That’s why I was so disappointed and angry with Jack. I’m no femmes fatale. I didn’t flirt with him. I wasn’t wearing a provocative dress. I’d known him for years and thought he was one of my "safe" friends. Now our friendship was over. What the heck was he thinking?

I quietly asked a few trusted female friends. They said Jack had never hit on anyone they knew.

Why did he change?

If I had gone up to his hotel room, what next? Would I have to look at him adoringly the whole conference? Would we run to each other’s rooms at the next convention? Or pretend it never happened?

I have no idea.

That’s why I’m asking you, TLC. Why did Jack suddenly go rogue?Disco sin

 

September 25, 2011

The Encounter

Elaine Viets General Hospital doctor

I won’t deny it. I can’t. There’s a record. Dozens of people knew about it.

I saw him June 13. Soon he learned the inner workings of my heart. He quickly plumbed the depths of my wallet.

But I never expected this:

I got a bill from this cardiologist and it says: "Encounter 589569 for Elaine With Drake, Patrick MD."

I’m not using his name because I still owe him $21.87. Soap fans will know Dr. Drake’s name from "General Hospital."

And speaking of soap operas, Doctor, did you have to call it an "encounter"? What ever happened to plain old "office visit"? Or "exam"? And when you number it like that, it seems so impersonal. Just another episode.

Heart After I opened the bill and finished laughing – which is good for heart, by the way – I wondered how I would explain this encounter to my husband.

I didn’t have to. He got a bill from a GI doc for another "encounter."

If that GI specialist had been honest, he would have billed Don for a "total reaming," not a simple encounter.

These medical encounters are an alarming trend. They’re pretentious. They’re ridiculous. And if anyone ever sues Dr. Drake for sexual harassment, it plays right into the hands of the prosecution.

I can see a lawyer waving that tell-tale bill in court and thundering: "Do you deny, Dr. Drake, that you had an encounter with Ms. Viets? That you made her lie down? That you examined her chest?"

Dr. Drake: "I did, but there was nothing improper about our meeting."

Lawyer: "Then why did you call it an encounter?"

Dr. Drake: "That’s the new term. I have a modern practice and I wanted to be up-to-date."

Lawyer: "Let me go back to plain old-fashioned English, Dr. Drake, the kind we’re used to speaking. Webster says an encounter is a ‘particular kind of meeting or experience with another person, a romantic encounter.’ Is that what you had with my client?"

Dr. Drake: "No. Of course not. It was completely proper."

Lawyer: "Even though you saw my client in bed?"

Hospital gown Dr. Drake: "That was for a test. And she was wearing a hospital gown. Angelina Jolie wouldn’t make any hearts beat faster in those gowns."

Lawyer: "This is not the time for levity, Doctor. I’m trying to define this encounter. Was it this definition: ‘To meet as an enemy or an adversary.’ Is my client an enemy?"

Dr. Drake: "On June 13, no, she wasn’t."

Lawyer: "Then why did you do it, Dr. Drake?"

Dr. Drake: "I wanted to get away from the old-school image of doctors with black bags back when medicine was more . . ."

Lawyer: "Affordable?"

Dr. Drake: "Less advanced."

Lawyer: "Ah, hah! You admit you made advances to my client."

Let me reassure yout that the real cardiologist was a model of good behavior, and there’s nothing wrong with me – nothing that cardiologist can fix, anyway. And I don’t believe that the language should never change. Only dead languages, like Latin, stay the same.

But this change was enough to send me off to the local restaurant – which advertised "hand-built cocktails."

Hand-built? As in made by little elves?Elf

Usually I don’t see little green men until at least two or three drinks. They come right before the pink elephants.

Pink elephant

September 22, 2011

Me and John D.

Elaine Viets                    Deep Blue Good by

 

Some 70 years before Travis McGee’s houseboat, the Busted Flush, dropped anchor at the Bahia Mar Marina, Florida already had a rich legacy of fictional detectives.

It still does. I’m proud to be part of it.

My mysteries are in a museum exhibition, along with John D. MacDonald, Carl Hiaasen, Elmore Leonard and a slew of other Florida mystery writers.

It’s called "Sun, Sand & Suspense: Mystery and Crime Fiction in Florida 1895-2011" and it’s at the Bienes Museum of the Modern Book in Fort Lauderdale. The exhibition features 116 years of Florida crime fiction.

The first Florida mystery was probably "On the Suwanee River," by Opie Read. This 1895 novel has a surprisingly modern plot involving Florida real estate and a young woman falsely accused of a crime. Sunshine State mystery writers have been working variations on that plot ever since.

"Place is as important as character in Florida mysteries," Lillian Perricone said, "and Florida is quite a character." Ms. Perricone, Bienes Museum cataloger and reference librarian, curated the exhibition. She’s not afraid to show off some of Florida’s colorful crime fiction.

The titles range from literary to lurid, including "What a Body!" by Alan Green, a Dell paperback with a lightly-clad lady on the cover.

"Murder shouldn’t be fun," the jacket says, "but Sandra was luscious enough to eat, and Hugo’s ideas about what to do with her were rather different."

Nothing subtle about that mystery.

    What a body

Murder was prettily portrayed in pulp fiction. "Blood on Biscayne Bay" has a cover with the head of blond bombshell wearing full makeup and a Betty Grable hairdo. Not a hair is out of place. The mystery has a handy crime map on the back cover.

Blood on Biscayne Bay 

You’ll see John D. MacDonald’s mysteries, including his first Travis McGee novel, "The Deep Blue Good-by," and the poker hand that won McGee the Busted Flush.

Charles Willeford’s leisure-suited cop, Hoke Mosely, is there. Willeford had a knack for catchy titles, including "Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye" and "New Hope for the Dead."

Kiss your ass goodbye 
A boatload of books by your favorite modern Florida authors include Edna Buchanan’s reporter-detective Britt Montero; Lupe Solano, Carolina Garcia-Aguilera’s Cuban-American private eye, and Randy Wayne White’s marine biologist, Doc Ford. Our own Nancy Pickard has found a home in the Florida mystery world with her "Truth" series. If you haven’t read it, give yourself a treat.

Nancy Pickard
My Dead-End Job mysteries are there, too. So is a hand-edited manuscript of my first novel in the series, "Shop Till You Drop."

Nowadays, most publishing houses use computerized editing programs. A manuscript marked by real pencils has become a museum piece.

                                                                    ***                                                                                                              

"Sun, Sand & Suspense" runs through Nov. 18 at the Bienes Museum of the Modern Book in the Broward County Main Library, Fort Lauderdale.

Can’t make it to Florida? See the exhibition at www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgMmJ5gJAOY

Don’t miss the amazing covers at digilab.browardlibrary.org/sunsand/ 

 Exhibit

 

 

 

September 11, 2011

This Day to Remember.

Where were you on September 11th? What do you remember?

Peace-1
From Margaret:

  I was awakened earlier than usual to be told that a close relative was in the hospital with a broken hip, so when I flipped on NPR to catch the morning headlines and heard that a plane had crashed into the Trade Center, I immediately turned on the television and was shocked to watch as that second plane went in.  The first could have been a weird accident; the second was clearly deliberate, but who?  why? The horror continued as I flashed on the few times I'd taken an elevator up to one of the towers' high floors.  How long it took even on the express.  To think of trying to walk down through smoke and fire . . .? Ghastly. In addition to all the people who died that day, there were even more deaths to come.  Of the two close friends who lived in lower Manhattan, I'm convinced that  breathing those contaminants for months caused the death of one and hastened the end of the other even though neither was in the building itself.

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From Nancy Martin: 

 I was living on a mountaintop in rural Virgina--alone because my husband had already moved back to Pennsylvania for a job. Between writing the last chapter of my first mystery, I was packing boxes that morning and watching the Today show.  With packing tape in my hand, I heard Katie Couric's incredulous voice saying,  "We don't want to alarm anyone, but it looks as if a small plane may have crashed into the World Trade Center." And while I watched, the second plane hit.  I thought, "My daughter is in New York," and you know that expression "my blood ran cold?"  Well, that's how I felt---as if a terrible block of ice hit my chest and spread through my veins all the way to my fingertips. 

An instant later, the phone rang, and the voice of my great friend (and backblogger!) cried, "Are you seeing this?"  It was just like our mothers telling us about Pearl Harbor.  We couldn't believe it.  The sky was so blue and perfect. For hours, I kept trying my daughter's phone, but of course it was out. Thank God for Ethernet.  When she got back from class, we emailed, and she begged me to phone her boyfriend's mother in DC.  Her boyfriend had been on a plane from New York that morning, but I couldn't make the call. I kept thinking he'd been in the plane that crashed into the Pentagon.  I couldn't call a mother whose son had died.  But he was already on the subway in DC when the plane went down, and he reached my daughter by email within a few hours. 

My mother called from Pennsylvania.  Her voice shook.  "An airliner flew over the golf course.  It was so low, we thought we could reach up and touch it." That was minutes before it crashed. When I phoned my husband--already at his new banking job--he said in amazement that the guys he'd been doing business with the previous day weren't answering their phones.  They worked for Cantor Fitzgerald. My sister, in Brooklyn, said her front steps were covered in burned bits of paper with the Cantor Fitzgerald letterhead.

That night, alone in the house on the mountain, I heard a tremendous roar of powerful engines down in the valley.  It went on for hours, and the concussion rattled the windows of the house.  I was afraid to go outside to listen by myself, so I took the dog, and Dolly and I stood on the lawn, listening in the dark. Dolly leaned against my leg. I remember how warm she felt, and comforting. Turns out, all the east coast railroad companies had sent their locomotives to hide in the old coal yard in the town below. To be safe from terrorists. Terrorists!  What was a terrorist?

I remember how we all felt in the weeks that followed--joined in a common spirit.  Makes the current Congress look so self-absorbed and petty. If nothing else, I'm glad we have so many stories of heroism and patriotism and unity from that terrible day.

Peace
From Barbara O'Neal:  

I had been on a very challenging hiking trip in Provence, and made it home on September 11 at 3 am Colorado time.  I awakened to the phone ringing, and it was my grandmother calling to be sure I was home. She said, "Oh, thank God you are not on a plane. I didn't know when you were coming in. They've bombed the Pentagon."  I thought she was being alarmist, but turned on the television to see the towers smoking after the first plane hit.  The calls continued all morning--my family calling to make sure I was actually home and not on one of those planes.  I have a lot of friends in NYC, but my thoughts that morning were for the friend I'd gone hiking with.  She was stranded in Paris, alone, because she'd taken a later flight than I did, and didn't get home for two weeks.  

The story I think about the most is one from an editor I was working with at the time. She lived in the village and couldn't get to her apartment for quite some time. When she finally got back, she said the smell was awful in the neighborhood and she commented to her boyfriend that it smelled like rotten garbage all the time. He said gently, "Honey, that's not garbage."   

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From Hank Phillippi Ryan:

It was a beautiful, beautful day on the East Coast, as you remember, too, Nancy.  And chillingly, as it turned out, that's one of the reasons the plot could work--because it was so clear that it allowed the terrorists to see the towers.

I was--crazily--at the hairdresser, getting a hair cut. That night was my station's preview party for the upcoming TV season, and we were all sprucing up.  Someone came running in, saying something incomprehensible, and then the news came flooding in. I had wet hair.

I knew I had to get to work, GET TO WORK as  soon as possible. As a reporter, this was...well, it was work. Separating the journalists from everyone else. I called Jonathan, yelling over the sound of the blowdryer. Yes, he knew.  Are the kids okay, in Park Slope? Our step-son works in the city...yes they're okay. I don't know when I'll be home, I said. (And I will admit, what I really wanted to do was go home.)

I walked to work, maybe 4 blocks, in that beautiful day. The bars were all open on Congress Street, all the glass fronts wide open, all the televisions on. I remember, so clearly, deliberately walking slowly. Thinking, so clearly, so clearly, "this is the moment our lives are all changing. When I get to work, our lives will never be the same."

(Ridiculously: I'm the investigative reporter, you know? And my boss came racing into my office. "How did this happen?" he yelled. "You and Mary (my producer) have to find out how this happened!"  As if we could do that. I think we stayed in the office for the next--three days? And every time we started to   complain, we'd look at each other and say: "We're not dead. Not dead." And then go back to work.)

Imaginepeace

From Sarah Strohmeyer:

Yes, it was a beautiful September morning and I'd just sent the kids off to school and sat down to write. We'd recently redone our computer system and installed a New York Times news alert. So many ways to procrastinate! Oddly enough, the first message that popped up was from my childhood friend, Connie Jordan, whom I hadn't spoken to in, gosh, ten or more years.

Connie is a smart, beautiful woman, a Swarthmore/Harvard grad and Presbyterian minister whose husband survived a nasty bout of cancer early in their marriage. I've often thought of Connie as being deeply spiritual - though we occasionally butted heads over different interpretations of Christianity. Anyway, I'm still moved by the randomness - or not - of hearing from this woman of God just as my New York Times news ticker started firing bulletins about a plane crashing into the twin towers.

The bulletins were confusing. First it was a small plane. Then it was a jet. Wait, something was going on in D.C.? Was that another plane in New York? Or the same one? I remember thinking that it was probably a joker pilot. About a month before, a single-prop plane had flown precariously close to high rises in Manhattan and in flying from Manchester to New York, our little commuter flight often followed 5th Avenue. You could even see people working in their offices. 

But this was different.

Finally, I wrote Connie this: "Something's going on."

Connie wrote back. "I know. But what?"

"It's bad," I wrote back, getting chills as the bulletins became more alarming. A missing plane in Pennsylvania. Reports of a small plane flying into the Pentagon. More planes missing.

"I have to pray," Connie said. And that was it. I've never heard from her since.

I called Charlie at work and he was just getting the news. I flipped on the TV and there was Peter Jennings, smoke swirling from the twin towers in another frame. I told Charlie to come home immediately, that the towers were on fire. I thought of all my friends in New York, of the husband of my daughter's godmother who worked at Merrill Lynch. Like Connie, I prayed.

And then the unthinkable. The first tower fell, just crumbled like a house of cards. Peter Jennings went dead silent as Charlie came through the door and I looked at him and said, "We'll never be the same."

All those people. Gone.

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From Elaine Viets:

 Silence.

That’s what I remember most after 9-11. Don and I lived in a beach condo in Hollywood, Florida. After the attack, the airport was closed for weeks, silencing the constant drone of commercial flights.

Instead, the skies were patrolled by sinister black helicopters. Warships cruised offshore, some with the ominous bulge of nuclear weapons.

Three of the terrorist leaders moved to Florida in 2000, near our home. South Florida is an international community, and they blended in. They used our local library, where the computers are free to all. They made one of their last appearances at Shuckums Oyster Bar in Hollywood, where at least two "holy warriors" drank forbidden alcohol – screwdrivers and rum and Coke. You can make what you want of this: They ate chicken wings.

Twelve hours after the attack on the World Trade Center, the FBI flashed their photos around the bar. The Shuckums’ server remembered them – and their lousy tip.

Peace-dove

From Heather Graham:

9/11

The very words will, for everyone old enough on the day, be horrible and poignant. And no matter how much time passes, we all know where we were and what we were doing on that date. 

For me, I was mourning, and cleaning out mother's house with my sister; we had lost her just weeks before. And one of the things that kept running through my mind was at least she doesn't have to see this.

But my mom's passing became back-burner; I hadn't seen a TV. I was driving to a store to buy cleaners when a friend called me and frantically told me not to go to downtown Miami. At the time, I never went downtown, and I thought she'd spiked her morning diet coke. Of course, when she told me that two planes had hit the towers, I immediately started trying to reach my third son--he was going to Pratt Institute in Brooklyn at the time, and the kids there were always on the Path train to reach the store where they bought their art supplies. I was frantic, trying to reach him. His cell went straight to a dull tone. 
I rushed back and got on my computer and I was amazed when I got an instant message. He was on the roof at Pratt and miraculously, his Internet was up. He was alright; he was feeling his gut wrench as he and fellow students watched the towers burn. Suddenly he wrote, "OMG! It fell, it fell!" And I didn't know what he was talking about, until he explained, "It went down; the whole damned tower went down. Oh, God, oh God."
The day that travel was allowed again, Dennis and I got on a plane and flew to New York; I had to see him, and friends in the city who had lost loved ones. If I didn't get on a plane, I could never suggest that anyone else ever do so again. I was terrified getting on that plane. It turned out to be Dennis and I, a few scattered people, and about ten pilots heading up to start commercial travel again. I'll never forget flying by the place where the towers had been--and the ground was still smoldering. 
I'd considered myself a student of history, and I had thought I'd known something about terrorism; my mom and her family left Dublin because they were "mixed" and the "troubles" continued. But I had never understood the kind of hatred that could make anyone massacre so many people so blindly. I'd been to Egypt, I had friends who were Muslim. And I had to make myself realize that while their was a culture of hatred--quite possibly the result of poverty and misery as so much hatred was--was not the culture of everyone. 
Today, I know that we often wonder what our men and women in the service are accomplishing because it's true that you can't kill and ideal. But I was with a young serviceman the other day who told me, "You don't get to see the good very often on TV. I was there when we opened a new school, and the parents and the children were grateful and wonderful. Building and giving, yes, we can make a change."
So what do we do in our world today? We defend ourselves. We learn how to do that through intelligence. We suffer, because we can't stop everything. We keep trying to be the country we began to be after the Civil War, seeing all people as equals. It's so easy to hate. And I hate fanatics of any kind who would do harm to others; I pray that I never do so blindly, and I always judge a person for the person they are. And because I really have no control, I pray for our men and women in the service, and I pray for all who are caught in the violence brought upon them by others. Most of all, I pray that we stop being such a party-determined society, and that our law makers can stop following party lines, and work hard to defend and strengthen out country, and show others, through our united front and efforts to benefit all mankind, that we should be emulated, and not alienated, assaulted, and attacked.
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From Joshilyn Jackson:

I went downstairs to get coffee and I turned on a little television I had on the kitchen counter. There was the first tower, with the plane going into it.

I immediately called my friend Lydia Netzer and said, Turn on your television, because I didn’t want to be watching alone. They showed it over and over.  It seemed crazy and impossible. We began coming up with explanations for it, back and forth, two fiction writers constructing implausible scenarios, looking for a way it could have happened. We were like children telling each other fairy tales ---- pilots having strokes and electrical instruments going haywire, anything to keep ourselves from understanding.

The second plane came. We saw it happen.

Then we knew. There wasn’t any way to not know. This is on purpose, we said back and forth to each other, but only because there was no other explanation left. We had tried so hard to make it be Fate---God---Accident---Error, anything at all. Anything except a deliberate, human choice.

Peace2

From Brunonia Barry:

I worked at the World Trade Center for several years in the mid-seventies, soon after it opened. I was in the accounting department of Toyoda America, Inc. on the fiftieth floor of the North Tower. It was one of my first jobs out of college, and I loved the whole experience. But most of all, I loved the WTC. It was like a small community. I was there when Phillippe Petit walked the tightrope between the towers.

Windows on the World had not yet opened, and, for a short while, we were allowed to take our lunches up there and enjoy the view from the top floor. A small group of us representing many different companies lunched there most days, until the construction crews put an end to our visits. After that, we all continued to meet for lunch at the restaurant on the 44th floor.

I was our company’s fire marshall, and used to lead the employees in monthly evacuation drills, things they sometimes participated in and sometimes refused to take seriously. Thankfully, my friends at Toyoda had relocated their company offices a few years before the towers came down, but there were others I knew there who remained, friends who were lost.

Ten years ago on September 11th, I was in the hospital undergoing emergency surgery. I remember the television and everyone huddled around staring. I remember hoping that I was hallucinating from the medication, and then realizing that it was not a dream. In the ten years that have passed, I have not visited the site. It’s still difficult for me to think about, as it is for many of us.   

 

August 21, 2011

Change in Fortune

Take-Out-Cookie-Jar1 
By Elaine Viets

I don’t believe fortune cookies. I know they have nothing to do with luck.

Besides, they’re about as Chinese as I am.

The best guess is that fortune cookies are Japanese and were first made in San Francisco.

The Japanese senbei were made with miso and sesame rather than the fortune cookie’s vanilla and butter.

Fortune cookies are "introduced by the Japanese, popularized by the Chinese and consumed by Americans."

Wonton Food Inc. Americans had to open the first fortune cookie factory in China by Wonton Food of Brooklyn. Alas, the business quickly crumbled. Wonton’s vice president said, "It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it just didn’t pan out. Fortune cookies are too American."

Back in Brooklyn, Wonton makes 4.5 million fortune cookies a day, mostly for Americans. So why do I always get dull, earnest fortunes?

No mysterious strangers or unexpected riches await me. I am exhorted to keep plodding.

Here’s what I mean: "Luck happens when hard work meets opportunity."

If fortune cookies came in flavors, mine would be oatmeal-raisin with lots of fiber. Moral fiber.

This cookie urged me to be a good sport: "Your smile is a curve that can get a lot of things straight."

This fortune patted me on the head like a faithful, slightly stupid pet: "Everyone around you is rooting for you. Don’t give up."

Another cookie seemed to blame me if things weren’t going my way: "Today, opportunities will present, if you’re keen enough to see them."

And if you don’t see them, you blind twit, you’ll be chomping the cheap half-order of chicken with vegetables for the rest of your days.

A friend told me about the fortune cookie game, where you add "in bed" to your fortune. Even that was discouraging:

"Never give up – in bed" seemed rather desperate.

But recently, my fortune cookies took a turn for the better. Now they no longer tell me to work hard and wait. They promise adventure.

"Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid," said one.

It worked, too. I carried a forbidden third item right past the nose of the gate agent on a recent flight, and a handsome stranger helped jam my suitcase into the overhead compartment.

My next fortune was even better: "May successes will accompany you this year," it said.

That’s when I found out "Murder Between the Covers," my second Dead-End Job Mystery, was named one of the 100 Best Mysteries of All Time. Check out the list here. http://tinyurl.com/3rpok9h.

Encouraged by this good news, I ordered more Chinese takeout. This time, my fortune said, "Your wisdom will influence others."

I’m sure that’s why you’re reading this blog.    Traditional

August 18, 2011

Uniform Cure

Elaine Viets 

Uniform with legs Gangs in schools. Students pressured to buy cool clothes. Students divided by social barriers.

School uniforms can cure all these ills and more.

The pro-uniform faction makes these claims. The anti-uniform people – including me – respectfully disagree.

Okay, I’m not respectful. I don’t have kids, but I wore uniforms for twelve lousy years, from first grade through senior year in high school. I’ve heard all the pro-uniform arguments. I’d like to give them a good kick in their navy pleated twill pants. Here are a few:

 (1) Uniforms make students equal. Rich kids dress the same as the poor ones.

Wrong. Uniforms are expensive. A standard teen girl’s uniform of navy cardigan, navy pleated skirt, white blouse, knee socks and shoes costs more than a hundred dollars today.

The rich teen’s family will buy her five white shirts, and three to five navy skirts and two or three cardigans.

The poor teen will get one uniform, possibly a hand-me-down from an older sister. Or Mom bought it secondhand. The poor teen will have two or three blouses, if she’s lucky. Her parents – or the girl – will have to wash those blouses. If not, the poor kid goes to school with spaghetti sauce on her shirt. The rich kid will have a fresh blouse and ironed skirt each day.

By the end of the week, the poor teen’s skirt needs ironing. By the end of the school year, the seat is shiny.

(2) Not all kids are equally neat.

Put two kids in the same uniform – rich or poor – and within an hour, the natural slob will have his shirt tail hanging out. Miss Piggy will have half her hem hanging lose. She won’t notice, since she wasn’t born with fashion radar. Buttons pop off the shirts of young slobs and their socks slide into shoes.

Other children always stay neat. At the end of the day, their blouses are unwrinkled. These children can eat sloppy joes and not get a drop of sauce on their uniforms. Cherry pie never falls off their fork and their milk never spills.

(3) Uniforms fight the peer pressure to buy trendy clothes.

Bass weejuns 
Dream on. The cool kids know how to stand out, even in uniforms. They’ll wear trendy watches or the latest hairstyles. They get better haircuts. Their moms don’t trim their bangs at home.

In my school, the cool kids had genuine Bass Weejuns. The rest of us wore cheap knockoffs. Our mothers thought those shoes looked the same. But we could tell. Real Weejuns said "Bass" on the sole.  Prop your feet up on a desk and everyone at school knew.

(4) Uniforms encourage discipline.President Clinton came up with that gem. My Catholic school was orderly, thanks to some terrifying nuns. They whacked kids with rulers. One, who used to work for the CIA, was adept at enforcing discipline by sticking her fingers under a kid’s shoulder blade and pulling up. That hurt, but left no marks.

 The boys got the most discipline. Few parents would tolerate that treatment today.

(5) Uniforms prevent gangs from forming on campus.

This one makes me giggle. No, we didn’t have gangs at my Catholic high school. But gangs already wear uniforms. Even with a school uniform, they can indicate their gang allegiance by the right color ribbon, wrist band, shoe strings, tattoo or hand signal. That’s if they’re still in school.

Let’s not forget the scariest gang of all – the Hitler Youth. They were taught in school that the German "race" was superior and Jewish people were inferior, lazy and evil. The Hitler Youth’s extra-curricular activities included beating up Jewish people and wrecking their businesses.

But, golly, they looked sharp in their uniforms.Hitler uniforms

 

 

 

 

 

August 07, 2011

Wedding Secrets

Cake topper 
 
By Elaine Viets                                               

Young brides are beautiful.

 

I believe that.

But since I know you well, I’ll confess: Young brides are beautiful to those who love them.

To the rest of us, they’re like puppies: Cute, but hard to tell apart.

Here’s another wedding secret: Perfect weddings are dull.

The bride and groom and their families want them. But some of us secretly hope things go slightly off-kilter. We’re silently rooting for the best man who makes a drunken toast, the cougar cousin on the prowl, and the fistfight in the parking lot. They add spice.

 

Just so we aren’t the ones going viral on YouTube.

 

David and Pam learned both these wedding secrets the hard way. Here’s what Pam says happened:

David and Pam were invited to the wedding of a colleague’s son. They didn’t know the bride or the groom, but they bought a present and went to the church on a Saturday afternoon.

"Even with the AC it was hot," Pam said. "The Catholic ceremony was long, with a lot of standing, sitting and kneeling. The music was provided by the friends of the bride. The soloist had a somewhat trained voice. Trained to sing slightly flat. It was nice, traditional, predictable boring music. Too much Jesus. I think the couple made more promises to Jesus then they did to each other.

"The wedding invitation said ‘reception to follow’ so we hung out and when nothing happened, we went home. We fell asleep reading."

Pam woke up and realized the invitation wasn’t quite right. The reception didn’t follow – it was four hours later that evening at an upscale hotel.

"It was now 5:56," Pam said. "The reception started in four minutes. I woke up David, rapidly redid my makeup and hair, put on my fancy dress and we arrived at the hotel before dinner. We put our present on the table with the others."

The wedding dinner was a feast. "We ate little beef Wellingtons."

 

Overweight bride Pam and David didn’t know anyone at the reception, but they weren’t surprised. "Brides all look alike if they’re slightly overweight and wearing white. So we ate and wandered around looking for someone we knew."

 

They didn’t find anyone. "Finally I said, ‘Something’s wrong, David. We should see someone from your office.’ "

Pam asked a few discreet questions and discovered "we were at the wrong reception."

They quietly stole their present off the table, slipped out of the room and went to the next banquet hall in the hotel. This reception was just as proper and predictable as the wedding.

"We got to our reception just as people were sitting down to dinner," Pam said. "All they were serving was cheese and crackers."

Pam and David wished the couple well, then left.

"Just as well we went to the other reception first," Pam said. "Too bad we didn’t leave that couple our present."

Then it would have perfect.

 

August 04, 2011

Hijacked!

Hijack 
By Elaine Viets

Monday I woke up and discovered I was selling Viagra all over the Internet.

My address book had been hijacked. My mailbox was crammed with more than 100 emails from people who were sympathic, amused, even outraged.

Friend and TLC back blogger Tom Barclay wrote, "Sorry to bear bad news, Elaine. Got something from your AOL address this morning that clearly was not from you. It contained a link I wasn't about to follow, and seemed to be copied to everyone in your mailbox. I bounced it back so you can see the link. DON'T click it."

I emailed Tom: "Yep, they got me. I've changed my password. I'm now off to the santeria store to buy a curse for the @#$% who did this. Apologies to you for the inconvenience. No chickens will be harmed in the creation of the curse."

For three days I fielded emails. Most people, like Mary, were understanding. "We've all been there, darlin’ " she said. "Let me know how that curse works out. If you make it something physically specific we can all keep a lookout for the soon-to-be-party-favor."

One woman was rather snippy about the spam. A gentleman rushed to assure me that he didn’t need  Viagra.Viagra-pill-ohs-big

My agent, who’s put up with me for more than a decade, wrote, "Hey, no need to apologize. I got some great drugs."

Some used the spam attack as a chance to get back in touch.

A retired newspaper colleague wrote: "At first I thought, 'Oh good, a message from Elaine.' Then I read it and thought, 'Well, Elaine must have decided that I'm a lonely old lady and need a little help.' "

But she'd had her own problems with hijackers. "Once I had someone send messages to everyone on my address list that I was stranded in London and someone had stolen my purse at gunpoint and I needed money to get home. Omigosh, people were calling me from all over the country asking, ‘Are you OK?’

"Too bad clever people like that don't use their brainpower for good instead of evil."

Sandra wrote, "I always love to hear from you and of course read all your books, but this appeared in my mailbox and I thought it was strange. This was just a web address . . . Guess what I'm trying to say is either someone has invaded your email list or please introduce an unknown website so I know it is safe."

Some well-meaning souls sent me freebie sites that would scan the computer and remove the pests.

I tried two. Both of these free scans turned up more pests than a Florida flophouse – then they wanted $39.99 to exterminate them.

No, thank you.

If this was a virus, there’s a lot of it going around. I could fill this blog with the names of people who’ve had their email addresses hacked recently. My Webroot Internet Security software had been driving me crazy blocking everything until I could hardly move around the Internet. I started over-riding the Webroot blocks.

That’s how I let in the hijacker.

Yesterday, I emailed Webroot’s support center that my computer had a virus.

Webroot Webroot’s Mike B. emailed back, "If your email is sending out spam messages to other people in your inbox, that means it’s been hijacked and someone knows your password to get into your email."

I’d already changed my password, like Mike suggested, but I followed his instructions to update the Webroot software and do another scan.

I think all the bugs are gone now.

But my curse is still out there, hijacker. If it gets you, even Viagra won’t help.

 

July 24, 2011

Serious Reservations

Dog bowl 
By Elaine Viets

I have serious reservations about cooking. That’s why I eat out whenever I can. Fortunately, Don is no fan of home-cooked meals, either.  At least not when they’re cooked by me.

We’ve eaten some fabulous restaurant food, and some concoctions that taste like Alpo on a plate. Over the years, we’ve learned – usually the hard way – how spot  third-rate restaurants.

Here are nine warning signs.

(1) A big menu doesn’t mean the chef is creative.            

It means an 18-year-old kid is shoving food into a microwave.

(2) Beware of places that put the staff in funny costumesLederhosen.

Unless you’re hiking in the Black Forest, you shouldn’t see young men in lederhosen. Avoid restaurants that make the servers wear them. Underneath that gemutlich costume is an embarrassed server who would give his night’s tips to wear normal clothes to work. Ditto for the waitress in the dirndl.

It’s cruel to make the staff dress like hillbillies or English serving wenches. Worse, the restaurant is probably making the staff pay for their humiliation. They may have to buy those silly outfits.

(3) Music duels.

Two kinds of music hit another sour note in a third-rate restaurant. When you hear sweet strings on the restaurant’s piped-in music and hard rock coming form the radio in the kitchen, nobody’s in charge.

(4) Watch out for places that calls themselves "downhome" or brag about their "country cooking."

If country cooking is spelled with Ks, head for the hills. That country-fried coating can be an excuse for cheap food and sloppy service.

You can trust almost any restaurant that calls itself a cafe if it’s more than twenty years old. EAT is another good sign.

                                        Ma and pa kettle

(5) The French Connection.

Unless the owner’s name is Claudette or Pierre, soup du jour should be the only French phrase on the menu. Fractured French usually translates as mediocre food with outrageous prices.

Restaurants that call French fries pommes frites are always pretentious.

(6) For swingers only.

Beware of restaurants that prop open the swinging doors between the kitchen and the dining room, treating diners to views of dirty dishes and sweating staff. They don’t care any more.

(7) Disaster relief.

Any restaurant can have an occasional disaster. The kitchen may lose your order. Chef Your chicken may be overcooked. It happens.

NOTE: If the place has several police cars with dancing light bars, avoid it.

But the good restaurants buy you a drink or a free dessert to make up for their mistakes. Any place that just hands you an apology isn’t sorry – it’s downright pathetic.

(8) Managers are not ornamental.

At good restaurants, managers help out during a rush. They get your check, pour coffee or clear a table.

When you see overworked servers darting about while the manager stands around doing nothing, watch out. The manager is too good to work. The place is run just like your office.

Would you want to eat there?

Travel tip: One sure-fire way to find good food in a small town.

Look for the restaurant with one or more cop cars in the lot. If local law enforcement eats there, the food is usually tasty and inexpensive. This is also a safe place for women travelers to dine without getting hassled.