New Rules for Funerals

By Nancy Pickard

This is not going to be the most sensitive blog post you'll ever read.

 If you have recently been involved with a funeral of someone you loved and whom you miss terribly, you might want to skip this. Either that, or accept my apologies in advance. I don't mean to offend. What I mean to do is to CORRECT, and what I want to correct is. . .funerals.

 I've just about had it with long-winded, self-indulgent funerals, and the self to whom I'm referring is not the deceased person. It's her relatives, friends, and ministerial windbag. Funerals can be sad, funny, serious, light-hearted, any of that and more, and it's all good; they can make us laugh and cry and they can comfort the heartbroken, and it's all good, but what they don't need to do is contend for the Guiness Book of World Records, Longest Funeral category.

So I'm going to lay down some new rules here. Feel free to add your own. As we go over these new rules together, we will keep in mind that grieving people need sympathy and help. They cannot be expected to think straight without our guidance, which we will offer kindly and gently, if I can keep from yelling.

First, some historical perspective: If you're old enough, maybe you'll recall that 115 people didn't used to get up to speak at any given funeral. We got the clergyperson, a little music, a couple of prayers, and that was it, unless the person who died was Catholic or Episcopalian, and then you needed to arrange for a late supper because you wouldn't be getting home any time soon.

Then somebody, somewhere, decided that three brothers, two sisters, and an aunt should also get up and speak. Before long, somebody else added the best friend. Then the second-best friend. Then along came two clergypeople, often from opposing religions. The old joke was no longer, "A rabbi, a Baptist minister, and a Catholic priest walked into a bar." Now it was, "A rabbi, a Baptist minister, and a Catholic priest walked into a funeral."

And so the era of The Everlasting Funeral was born.

I'm sorry if this seems heartless, but really, have a heart, People Who Plan Funerals!

I speak from too much experience, not because I've lost a slew of friends of my own lately, but because my mom is very old. Having gone through all the funerals of the people she knew who would, if alive, be in their 100's now, we are working our way down through all the funerals of the young people she knows--in their 80's and 70's. There was one of those today and I couldn't face it: I am here at my office writing this while she is seated in a pew, and I will pick her up there when it's over. I know she's going to be in pain and exhausted by the time I see her.

 So, new Rules:

1. No more than two, at most three, friends or family members will speak.  The exception would be in the case of a memorial service in which a lot of people get up to say just a few sentences.  I recently saw this done beautifully at a graveside where there had not been a formal funeral earlier. Eight people spoke in pithy, pungent, and parsimonious style. 
Then we placed packs of cigarettes, packs of playing cards, a bag of Werther's candy, and roses on the casket to accompany the deceased to the Great Card Game in the Sky. It was funny, fond, and completely respectful.

2. At a formal funeral, each speaker will be given a firm 5-minute time limit and if they exceed it the organist will start playing "Rock of Ages, Fall on Thee."

3. Each speaker is to keep firmly in mind that the funeral is not about them. Here is a clue so they can tell: See that casket at the front of the sanctuary?  YOU ARE NOT IN IT.  If it is a casketless funeral, check the printed program: if your name is not listed there with both a birth and death date, then all of these people are not gathered here today in your honor. Don't be sad about this: your time will come. But you won't get to speak.

Speakers are encouraged to count the number of first-person pronouns in their little speech. Little speech. Little. If they count more "I," "Me" and "Mine," words than "Him" or Her" words, then they think they are speaking at their own funeral service. Listen up: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Acceptable:

                  "John was a talented writer and a generous one." Followed by an ancedote that makes John look good without making the speaker look better.

Unacceptable:

                  "I'll never forget how generous John was to me when I was just starting out as a writer. I treasure the blurb he gave me on my first book, NARCISSISM AND ME, when he wrote, This is a brilliant book!' He wasn't even jealous when my latest book jumped over his on the bestseller lists.  He was far too modest to be anything but delighted for me."

4.  Family and friends will not tell identical stories. You will check with each other first, if possible. If you can't do that--because your sister will have a hissy fit if she doesn't get to tell the story, even though you were the one who was there, not she--or your brother will rewrite your entire speech--or some of you aren't speaking to each other--then you must be prepared to edit your speech on the spot, so we don't get five stories about the time your dad drove the car into the lake to prove it could float.  If you make this sacrifice, your sister may get the laughs, but you will get our grateful recommendation to Heaven.  And trust me, even if your sister gets the laugh, there will be people walking out who whisper to each other, "Suzie's speech was funny, but she should have cut it in half." To which someone else will reply, "Oh, my God, yes! I thought she would never stop."

5. If the deceased was elderly, you will remember that many of the mourners will be old, too. It is better if you don't talk so long that one of them dies in the pews while you are still speaking. Clue: When one of them groans and bends over her cane, as I saw an old lady do at a funeral recently, you will take that as a hint to QUIT TALKING. Lordy, show a little mercy, will you?  Also, minimize the getting up and the sitting back down again, for heaven's sake. It's hard on those old knees and, yes, nobody *has* to stand up for every hymn, but a lot of old people like to be respectful of tradition and some of them don't want to appear as infirm as they are. 

6. The cleryperson will limit his or her remarks to ten minutes. If he or she goes over, the organist will start playing, "What a friend we have in egg timers."

These are simple rules that will, when followed, pour down blessings on you and all your descendents forevermore, amen.

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Judith Bandsma]

Do not refuse to hold a funeral because it WON'T be about -you-.

And do not hold cremains hostage until you can get money from your dead husband's daughters.

(True story...my stepfather's wife is holding his ashes in a cardboard box in the gun safe until one of my sisters re-imburses her for the cost. Refused to have a funeral service because his friends and family, whom she had isolated him from for many years, might show up and make it about him instead of her.)

[Lynn in Texas]

I'm so with you on this Nancy. It's gotten wayyy out of hand these days.

I voted for Never Attend 'Em, cuz I'm in between that and Short and Sweet. Nuff said.

I have NaNo brain.

[Lynn in Texas]

Incidentally, after many emails to the Typepad powers-that-be, this is my first time to sucessfully get through to comment on a Typepad blog in oh, over a month. Yipppee.

And Judith, that is just so not right! Sympathies!

[Dru]

You've said everything I wanted to say when I attended very long long funerals.

[William]

70% short 'n sweet, 30% never attend them. Unfortunately, like most people, they're becoming more frequent lately, and I'm not comfortable with that. There are a coupled coming up within the next year or so, and I REALLY hate that.

You know what I want for mine, so I won't repeat it. But you can safely bet it'll set a new record for "Short and Sweet"...:)

[Ramona]

My Uncle Johnny passed away last spring. I happened to be visiting home then, so I was able to attend the funeral--big Catholic production. I saw family I hadn't seen in decades. I thought it was going to last forever and be maudlin.

At the start of the service, my cousin got up to say a few words about his dad. The "words" were a list of Johnny-isms--funny sayings by Uncle Johnny, of which there were many. My uncle was a funny guy. It set the perfect tone. The only other speaker was the priest, who gave a personal and positive tribute because my Uncle Johnny was a positive guy.

At the end, four men got up to announce tributes by service organizations my Uncle had devoted time to--KC's, the Cattleman's Association, etc. They just said a couple of sentences and gave a plaque to my aunt. Nothing strikes the heart more than teary-eyed old men saying goodbye to one of their friends.

It was long enough and sad enough. A perfect goodbye.

[Alan P.]

If it comes in under an hour, I'm fine with whoever speaks. Like the rest of you, my friends are having more funerals.

I should point this over to my cousin, he is the director of a cemetery. Now,HE has funeral stories! One of the pieces of advice he was given was to get the money from Russians before the funeral starts. The recent Russian emigres cry poor and hunt for charity, but will eventually pull up in a line of Mercedes and pay in cash. Or you could bill them for the next three years.

Oh one more thing: In your blended family world, respect your uncle's faith, even if you no longer practice it. Let his clergy and traditions rule the day. Yes, I have seen someone decide that their recently deceased relative really always wanted to be ____, they just never got around to walking in the right church, until the day of their funeral.

[Karen in Ohio]

When my brother died suddenly eight years ago, my mother, brother, daughter, and nephew and I traveled to Arkansas to the most bizarre two days of my life. At the funeral I realized that his wife was not going to say anything, and that the minister had never met the deceased in real life. He was also oddly irritated that I wanted to stand up and say a few words about my brother, but I was determined that at least one person who truly loved him would say a couple sentences about him.

Coincidentally, I'm attending one of what promises to be a long-winded funeral this morning. The elderly lady passed away almost two weeks ago, and the service is being held in one of the larger churches in the area. I'm sure of two things: They drew this out so the maximum number of friends and family can blather on about Mary, and not one soul will bring up her 45-year long affair with her best friend's husband.

[judy merrill larsen]

Preach it, Sister. Earlier that month we were at a funeral you would have loved--my dear 93 year-old mother-in-law passed away and her services were perfect--two sons and two grandchildren spoke--nothing longer than 3 or 4 minutes, very personal and sweet.

I'd add a rule--if you're drunk, you don't get to give a eulogy. Several friends and I still cringe (and laugh) about a funeral we attended a few years ago. The brother of the deceased had taken it quite hard and apparently started drinking shortly after getting the news of his brother's demise. When the time came for him to speak, he climbed OVER the pew in front of him and then the altar railing before staggering to the microphone where he proceeded to talk/ramble on . . . the "highlight" was a joke he told with a punchline involving diarrhea. Seriously.

[Nancy Martin]

My dear uncle passed away recently, and his children decided not to hold a funeral at all, and his visitation was BY INVITATION ONLY. Now that I read Judith's comment, I realize they skipped the funeral because it would have to have been about the deceased---a wonderful person--instead of being about the mourners, who, needless to say, are Not.

Since I am half Irish, I will suggest that all the long speeches are best shared over a pint in a bar or on somebody's back porch where there's a buffet nearby loaded down with every variety of potato salad and plenty of rickety lawn chairs for those who get legless. The "after prom party," as my Irish mother calls it, is a more casual setting better suited to the long, sometimes hilarious and occasionally all-about-me mourning process. A good wake, in other words.

[Nancy Martin]

P.S. Let's take another poll. Who thinks Karen should be the one to stand and bring up Mary's 45-year affair with her best friend's husband?? (MY hand is up!) Go, Karen!

[judy merrill larsen]

Oh, yeah, Nancy, I'm voting yes from here in STL! C'mon, Karen, you know you want to!

[Sandi]

I've spoken at a few funerals and in addition to short and sweet I try to go for "kind honesty." Nothing annoys me more than a saccharine eulogy that doesn't give you a true sense of the person you are celebrating. Gentle humor is also welcome. Yes, it's a sad occasion, but there can be joy in remembering. At my aunt's funeral I mentioned that it drove me nuts when she said "brefftuss" instead of "breakfast." Chuckles and nods swept through the room and for a moment Aunt Pat was there with us.

An additional note for clergy and funeral directors - find out what name the deceased preferred. Patricia, Richard, Clifford - those weren't the people we knew. Pat, Dick, Ted - that's who we're mourning.

[cathy]

I would add the rule that funerals are not the time to air your grudges/grievances with the deceased.

[Maryann Mercer]

My dad didn't have a funeral per se. He died in Florida, traveled to Illinois in the back seat of the last car he owned, his urn sitting between a six-pack of beer and a bag of Florida oranges, and resided at my sister's until the memorial service held one month to the day after his passing. We did however put a jar of unpopped popcorn in his crematory casket BEFORE the visitation and shared the rest among my sister, my daughter and myself for a later tribute. At the memorial service, we had pictures of his life and family on a large board...and were surprised at how many of the immediate family came. We had three speakers, me, my sis, and my daughter. Then we went to a wonderful lunch where memories and laughter were shared. His interment was private. I think my dad would have liked it.
My own requests? Cremation, private service, and a piper at my grave. I'd like to think I'll hear Amazing Grace from wherever my soul has gone. Oh...and a wonderful meal (on me of course) with pictures, laughter, and most of all memories.
By the way, I rarely go to visitations. My mom's two-night visitation(although we called it a wake) and the overpowering smell of funereal roses were it for me at the ripe old age of 17. Good thoughts, Nancy.

[Reine]

Unfortunately if they are public figures you have no choice, because even if the immediate family chooses simple and dignified, traditional and respectful, or even unique but not overdone, others will see to it that your relative is remembered in ways that they think are appropriate.

If you do not attend it will be publicly misinterpreted, and the focus will be on everything but what it ought to be. So you go. And you do the best you can. You tolerate the indignity of public life at private time, because you cannot do anything else without making it about yourself. Smile. Nod. Shake hands. Say thank you. It will be over soon, and you can have a small gathering at the house. Or you can have a big gathering at the house. And you can remember the person as you knew him or her.

And if you are very, very fortunate, you will not have a "Catherine" (<-- totally made up name) in your family who tries to use the grandchildren's inheritance to fund her own self-publicity tour with multiple "memorial" services. And when your husband is not grieving as much, and he is able to say, "Stop. No more, 'Elizabeth,'" be prepared for the fallout.

Sorry for the rant. It seems a little tacky, I suppose. So be it.

[Reine]

Oops.

[Reine]

Oh it's ok. We're she ever to read this - and she never would - she would never recognize herself.

[Ramona]

Is it bad to say I think the 45-year-long affair is kind of romantic, in a Charles and Camilla sort of way?

[xena]

All I can think of is Betty Davis saying "Mother always said speak good of the dead. Joan's dead. Good!".
I know people sometimes think it is mandatory to have a clergyperson speak at a funeral. I know some people believe in heaven. It is terribly hard for a pastor to speak about someone he never met and nobody in the family liked. Our pastor says there are more people in the ground he knew than walking on it these days and it is kind of weird to make something up to make the service look good.
All of my grandmother's friend were dead and she really was in lah lah land when she died. She was physically sound as a dollar but didn't remember anyone or anything. Sad.
A small family service at the grave site was enough respect. It was all prearranged. Simple.
Short sweet and simple. That's what she wanted.

[Deb]

As I read today's blog and the responses, I realized that I am fortunate enough to have never attended a tasteless or overly long funeral, regardless of the deceased person's denomination. Most were Catholic, but I've also been to Jewish, Baptist, Episcopalian, and Presbyterian funerals. In each case, the clergyman's words were comforting and consoling, and in the case of someone who had committed suicide, the Catholic priest was especially compassionate.

In recent years, I have been attending more and more funerals. (Yep, I'm getting to that age.) I have noticed that more and more funerals have included people other than the clergyman spaking about the deceased. Nobody was long-winded, and they all stuck to what was in the scripts they brought up to the podium. The longer funerals were the ones that were not Catholic but the speakers were all tasteful and brief. I can think of one where he Wayward Son made a last minute decision to get up and say a few words. I think some people got a little anxious, but he didn't say much and it was apparent that he was trying to be respectful.

Ah, the gatherings afterwards: most of them were loads of fun! When the deceased person is one of MY relatives, these gatherings can be especially informative! A heartwarming result of the death of a beloved aunt a few months ago is that the female cousins have decided that we want to get together every couple of months to share family stories and photos. Too many stories have been forgotten, and we have learned that each of us knows a story or two that the others do not know. There have been too many secrets on that side of the family, and we have decided that it's important to bring some things out in the open. We also realize that some things should not be spoken of because it would be too hurtful to some relatives. (I am thinking, Karen, that maybe that woman's kids would not want to know about thei mother's affair, even if someone told them privately.)

[Deb]

"speaking about" NOT "spaking about". I hit Post instead of Edit. rats!

[Jennifer]

I have just recently started a funeral planning business in Ireland and I'm loving this article. It certainly packs a punch but yes there are so many wrong aspects to funerals these days, not least the price we have to pay to grieve! I hope to single handedly shake up the industry here - out with the stuffy rules and in with the new age, better than ever funeral event!

[Margaret Maron]

The worst funeral I've been to lately was where the minister decided it was about him. Someone must have told him he had a silver tongue because he decided to give us a 45-minute hellfire and brimstone sermon with exhortations to come forward and be "saved." Not one single word about the deceased until the very end and then without mentioning his name.

The funniest was for a cousin by marriage who asked his wife to play what had become his favorite recording. As the minister remarked, "Only G— would think that Billy Ray Cyrus's 'Achy Breaky Heart' was appropriate funeral music." (PS - he died of heart failure.)

[Nancy Pickard]

Oh, these are great stories, you guys. Some thoughts on them. . .

1. KarEN, KaREN, KaREN!! Clapping and stomping feet!

2. Nancy, "the after prom party!" Perfect. Raises pint: "Here's to Uncle Fred who died in bed with Ted, God bless 'im!"

3.Oh, Judith. Oh, my. But I do love your new rule: don't refuse to hold a funeral because it WON'T be about you. My goodness, yes.

4. Whispers to Lynn: write on. And welcome back, even though Typeface was only trying to keep you focused on your manuscript. :)

5. Reine, I can't even imagine. . .a funeral for a public figure could be a nightmare.

6. MaryAnn, your dad's funeral sounds perfect. Oh, and that smell of roses? Perfect for the start of a mystery novel.

7. cathy, yes! Absolutely Good Rule.

8. sandi, also yes! "kind honesty" is what lightens mourners' hearts at services, I think. I also like your rule about the clergyperson finding out what name the deceased preferred. Me, I'm hoping somebody tells the Person In Charge to pronounce my name PickARD, and not PICKurd.

9.judy, lol, oh my God, you'd think we wouldn't need a Funeral Rule like, "Don't Be Drunk," but clearly we do.

10. Alan, seriously, yes. New Rule: The deceased gets to keep his/her religion faith instead of converting miraculously to somebody else's.

11. Ramona, even I would have loved that funeral. You're so right about the poignancy of old men saying fond, tearful things about their late friends.

12. Dru, let's post it on the church door. :)

13. William, pretty please repeat what you want for your funeral, for those who don't know? ::ingratiating smile::

14. xena, it's funny how many people who aren't religious and who's loved one wasn't, either, still want to hedge their bets with a minister. At the graveside I described above, I thought my friend was brave to say, when the funeral director was going to offer a prayer, "Oh, no thank you, we won't be needing that." She smiled and was very sweet about it, and he tactfully stepped back.

I'm posting this without proofing--need to go open some cans for my mom--so forgive any typos!

[Nancy Pickard]

Oh God, whew, I nearly forgot to type the code.

[Judith Bandsma]

Nancy Martin...my stepfather's wife wouldn't even allow a visitation and, even though she wasn't there and NEVER came once he moved into hospice, she left orders that the only ones allowed to see him as he was dying were his 2 daughters.

Which order the nurses cheerfully ignored.

[Alan P.]

Karen, feel free to explain why the neighbor man is taking the passing so hard.

If you have an opportunity to attend a funeral with military honors, do so. The honor guard takes their task with the full measure of the words, solemn duty. Every funeral, every time. Cousin the cemetery director says the honor guard frequently arrives an hour before the cemetery, stays at attention until the rest of the ceremony and then performs their duties. He has seen them be at the cemetery for three or four hours. Every veteran has the right to an honor guard.

He also told me he tells the neighbors across the street when they have a military funeral. Gunfire and elementary schools don't mix so well.

[Carol Robinson]

I've been to two funerals where the clergy person had never met the deceased in life. Both times the occasion was used to try and convert the mourners. It was extremely difficult to sit there as some stranger preached fire and damnation while the friend who had just passed was mentioned only in passing. Ugh!

[Randy Russell]

Send flowers. :-) Here's mine: If you are not family, leave the family alone. At each of my parents' funerals, you wouldn't believe the number of people who came up to talk to me.. about the fricking weather... or more likely about themselves or what it was like FOR THEM when one of their parents decided to begin the transition to dust... oh, and then there was the guy who asked if he could go through my father's garage and pick out some fishing stuff and take it because once twenty years they had gone fishing together. Rule 207: if you don't know the survivors or weren't at one time married to one of them, leave the family alone. The funeral isn't a party ~ it's a parting. And parting means go away now. If you know the survivors well enough to be hanging out at their house, you can talk to them there. NOT at the funeral.

[Bunny from New Mexico]

Ha! Loved it. Just attended my elderly uncle's funeral where the powerpoint video was, I swear, 14 minutes long. Some of the photos appeared twice. Then there was choir singing, individual singing, duets, and SEVEN children who spoke. My Uncle Marvin would have stood up and left, except he was the guy in the coffin. . .Thanks for a hilarious post. Loved it.

By the way, I love attending funerals, mostly. However bizarre that sounds, I think we do a great job of honoring our deceased - until we extend the service by 45 minutes. . .

[Donna]

My uncle died almost a month ago, and the funeral was shortish, but the eulogy was nice. He had been ill, but had a lovely couple of months at the same nursing home where my mom - his older sister - lives. The chaplain had clearly taken time over the eulogy, and had gotten to know my uncle in the months he was there.

But the most touching moment of the service was when my Mom - not an overly demonstrative woman - leaned over and took her sister-in-law's hand (both of them are in motorized wheelchairs) and said, 'We've still got each other.' I almost sobbed aloud.

[Kerry]

Wow - amazing stories :) I've been fortunate in having attended few funerals and memorial services; they've all been touching and respectful. Alan, my uncle was buried at Arlington with full military honors (casket transported by caisson, riderless horse with boots reversed, the whole nine yards). But - right after the minister talked about the duties of the honor guard, and how they practice to be perfect to honor the deceased etc., one of the guys turned the wrong way after folding the flag. The thing is, my uncle would have loved it - he had an insane sense of humor :)

[M'Lou]

To this article and these comments I add a hearty, "Amen!" (or even a Hell, Yes!)
The worst funeral I went to was led by a preacher who must've been from the same background as the one Margaret mentions above: thirty minutes of telling us we're all going to hell, and hardly a word about my friend who was gay, died of AIDS-related causes... yes, I'm sure the preacher thought it was too late for him so he decided to save the rest of us.

After my father died we had no funeral, per his wishes. Several months later, some family gathered to sink his ashes in the Gulf of Mexico. No religious leader, just family. I didn't mind not being on the boat, I had my distant moment of silence and enjoyed the photographs later.

When my time comes, I don't really care what (if anything) people choose to do or say. If someone wants to put my ashes on display in a church in order to make herself feel better... so be it. I won't be there.

[Randy Russell]

P.S. Hate to re-direct, but I remembered this funeral where an unknown guest talks on and on to a family member. Please, unless you are Robin Williams, don't do this. :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfDyTUiL8xs

[Bev]

I recently attend the funeral of my husband's grandfather. He was a pastor of a Baptist church and was intent that his funeral be a source to save a few souls. Nice fire and brimstone service. Then they get to my least favorite part of any funeral - does anyone have something to say about the deceased. 1 very long hour later, they think they are done and my husband's 2 cousins pop up with 30 minutes of how grandpa affecting their lives. I was about ready to take my knitting needles to their ass to shut them up. Needless to say, I skipped the graveside service and the reception afterwards. I couldn't take it anymore. Luckily my husband and I drove separate cars ;)
I have requested that for my service, there will be no comments made afterwards. Nice 20 minute memorial, then go party. Geez, I'm dead and I'm sure you got better things to do then listen to some idiot yak.

[The gold digger]

The funerals I have attended - Catholic - have not been too long, but have had their own drama. The funeral home put my grandmother in pale pink lipstick. She was unrecognizable. This was the dark red lipstick, beer drinking, cigarette smoking grandma. We had to fix things. And we did: http://diaryofagolddigger.blogspot.com/2010/06/in-which-my-friend-ilene-makes-sure-my.html

[William]

Absolutely, Nancy. My requests are simple:

1) NO tears allowed. Laughter, giggles, and guffaws, but NO tears.

2) Martinis, scotch, bourbon, and Jack Daniels at your own discretion. For those who do not drink alcohol, A&W Root Beer will be provided.

3) Lots of Rat Pack Music, with an occasional 007 soundtrack tossed in.

And that, as they say, is that!

[Reine]

My parents were absolute in their request to have no funerals, memorial services, wakes, or visitation of any kind. I don't know why. I can only guess. We chose to honor their wishes. I think that was a mistake, and I wish we had ignored them.

In honoring their wishes we found ourselves with no satisfactory way to comfort one another. We were left thinking and feeling that we were just supposed to forget them . . . or something?

For my father, we might have had one of Nancy M's Irish wakes. We could have had too much beer and mourned the loss of the bastard -- a poet, actor, writer, and merchant seaman . . . the man who never was what anyone needed and was everything they never should have had. And then we might have had an easier letting go of it.

For my mother we would have comforted one another, because there was a woman who tried and failed. She was a woman who might have been able to be herself. We would have talked it out - cried it out - because she was a passionate woman. She was an artist . . . a painter, a waitress. She had many loves and none fulfilled, because she could not find her way out of her addictions.

We robbed ourselves of an opportunity to let go and regroup when they died, just because we didn't know how to do that while honoring their wishes.

[M'Lou]

Reine -- it's never too late. I think you described exactly what you need to do, if others are still around to join you.

[Nancy Pickard]

William, thank you. There will be tears, though. People will be laughing until they cry. :) I LOVE A&W Root Beer in frosty mugs.

The gold digger, applause for you and your relatives who did that! I think that's great and brave and funny and sweet.

Bev, omg. Words fail. They should have failed a few other people!

Oh, M'Lou, that is a really disturbing thing for that minister to do. Gads. But your father's burial at sea and your generous attitude about not being able to be there? Really nice.

Kerry, sweet story. I'll bet that honor guard member is still blushing.

Donna, such a sweet moment, and what a lovely thing for the chaplain to do.

Bunny,I'm with Uncle Marvin. :)

Randy, I don't *think* I've ever done that, but I'm not 100% sure, so I'm going to keep that very good advice in mind next time.

Carol, sigh, that's just the worst.

Alan, honor guards lend such dignity to a service.

Judith, !!!!. Good on the nurses.

Margaret, that made me laugh! The Achey-Breaky heart part.

Jennifer, that's fabulous! Best o' luck to you!

Deb, that's really nice that you've had such lovely experiences with funerals. They can be such sweet events.

[Mary Stella]

I haven't gone to a "traditional" funeral since my Mom died in 1998. Down here in the Keys we have "celebrations of life" instead. Lots of people gather and share stories about the deceased while eating and drinking. I'd like to be remembered in that way.

For Mom's funeral, my brother and I kept it simple but nice. The Episcopalian priest actually new her so he said a few words. My bro and I each shared a eulogy from our hearts. A cousin sang some hymns Mom loved. Everyone was invited back to the house for food.

If we're talking protocol, may I throw in some reminders about behavior at visitations? Again, these are about paying your respects to the deceased and expressing your condolences to the family. It is not easy emotionally for the family to sit there for hours and hours accepting the condolences, so please make yours brief and heartfelt and then move on.

At Mom's visitation, we worked out a system. My brother and sister-in-law hadn't lived locally for many years. I told them when someone came up, if I didn't greet them by name or immediately introduce them, it meant I couldn't place them. After I thanked them, my sister-in-law would then offer her hand and introduce herself which would prompt the caller to give his/her name in return. Worked like a charm.

Still, the very first woman in line didn't get the whole, "Brief-heartfelt-move on" memo. Instead, she proceeded to go as far back down memory lane as before 1968 when she was a patient of my father's. We heard about her medical history, the surgery he performed, and how when he changed medical specialties, she never returned for another appointment, etc. etc. etc. (She went over 30 years without an annual test!) The line grew to 25 people in back of her, then 50, then out the door and out of the building before we finally were able to gently move her on.

Thankfully, except for the one drunk woman who leaned on me, breathing wine fumes into my face, everything else that night went smoothly. Maybe because my brain glazed over at some point and I was on automatic pilot.

[Elaine Viets]

Even worse than long funerals are no funerals. When a friend died, her cheating, no-good husband didn't have any kind of service. Her friends organized a memorial for her. I don't know about her, but WE needed to say good-bye.

[Nicola Slade]

Yikes, I think this must surely be a US phenomenon? I've never been to anything like that long-winded in the UK! My family go in for cremations (this is a small island and land is at a premium!) and as, mercifully, all the funerals I've been to lately have been for very elderly people, they've been a celebration and not too sad, though I do always cry. But it would be very unusual for more than one person to speak, though another might read the lesson. Most recent was for a 95yr old lady who had the most beautiful wicker coffin, threaded with spring flowers - I made a note to myself to leave instructions for one for me when the time comes!
Lots of singing, not much talking, lots of love, the words of the King James bible and the Book of Common Prayer - that's what I want, and I'll haunt anyone who alters that scheme!

[Nancy Pickard]

Mary Stella, thank you! for that wonderful advice about visitations. I think it goes nicely with Randy's advice, above. The entire message, really, is about thoughtfulness, isn't it?

Oh, Elaine, what a jerk. I was just thinking about how it is possible to go way too far in the other direction. (He went completely off the cliff.) The worst example of that I ever saw--in fact the only example--was a funeral in which the deceased's name was never mentioned. Not once. Neither was anything personal said about him, and he'd been a man of great accomplishment. Not a word. It was short, but definitely not sweet. I suspected it had more than a little to do with his widow getting a bit of her own back.

[pat pennhallow-adams]

I went with to a shirners funeral one time, it last forever and then we had to go to the graveyard and it lasted forever there.
when i go, cremante me, go have a party and celebrate my life, my life with my friends.

[Reine]

NancyP,

Thanks for doing this today.

The comments are amazing.

[Harley]

I never miss a funeral if I can help it, but I must say, you are right. And while I believe fervently that mourners should be allowed to laugh, cry or sneeze as they see fit, because grief comes in all sizes, I would suggest they should be laughing or crying over the deceased, and not the dead person's Aunt Betty singing "The Wind Beneath My Wings" or niece Fleur, who's just learned to play the violin and wants to play "Amazing Grace" the way they do in 5th grade orchestra.

Apologies if someone else has already mentioned the Funeral as Musical Performance Opportunity.

[Nancy Pickard]

Pat, "celebrate my life, my life with friends." That's perfect.

Reine, I was afraid the subject of funerals might kill the blog. :) The comments really are wonderful, amazing. funny, appalling, shocking, poignant, moving, practical, reverent, irreverent, down-to-earth. . .what have I left out? I'm really I pressed "post." :)

[Nancy Pickard]

That was supposed to be "really glad."

[gaylin in Vancouver]

My friend Doug died a month ago today. The 'Open House' for him is today. What the heck is an Open House? A memorial, a wake?? I got to visit him a couple of weeks before he died and we had a great visit, laughed a lot, told stories, he was in great spirits and was in a small hospital with great care. No, I am not going to the open house, I will light a candle for him this afternoon and think my own thoughts about him, rather than driving 2 hours in the rain for a 2 hour open house and then driving 2 hours home again. Doug moved from Saskatchewan over 50 years ago and for some reason his daughters (who have never been to Sask) are having his service in Sask. next spring . . .

When my dad died we had a private, invitation only wake for him. This was at his request as he said too many of the people he knew were ghouls and he only wanted people to come who he liked and appreciated him. He had a collection of those small liquor bottles and he wanted every one of them opened and tasted! I don't drink alcohol so thankfully I got to avoid them as some had congealed. We played a lot of Neil Diamond music, had a lot of laughs with the good folks he loved and got to see him off just the way he had wanted. Had a toast to the song Forever in Blue Jeans - his favourite.

I was asked to speak at my friend Anne's service a couple of years ago. Only no one told me ahead of time that I would be asked to speak. I told a couple of stories about her time in the hospital (8 months) and what a lovely woman she was and that was it. I am with everyone else who thinks brief is better.

[Cyranetta]

Even though it was relatively long, the memorial service I attended a number of years ago for a well-loved theater professor and director was a splendid theatrical production in and of itself. It was held in a theater and featured excerpts from shows he had directed and bits he loved (including the "Who's on First" routine) done by former students and friends, followed by feasting on cast party recipes for which he had become equally well-loved. There were a few reminiscences, but they were brief and followed the general tone.

[Nancy Pickard]

Gaylin, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend Doug. I'm glad you said something about him, because now a whole lot of your blog friends will think good thoughts of him, too, today.

You bring up another supposedly obvious--but apparently not--rule: Please tell people ahead of time that you want them to speak!

I didn't know liquor could congeal. The things I learn here!

[Fran]

When my mom died, my brother, son and I took a chunk of wood, carved it into a box with images that symbolized our memories of her (books, puzzle pieces, etc.), put her ashes in there along with notes we wrote to her to say good-bye.

Then we threw the box into her favorite river.

And then we went to her house, the rest of the family gathered around, and we drank and told stories and laughed and cried and remembered her with love.

When my best friend died, the clergyman had only met her twice, both times during her end-stage cancer, and he had no idea who she really was. It was a mess, but it made her brother feel better, so there was that.

Funerals are important to be able to say good-bye, but I'm SO glad you wrote this post, Nancy! It needed to be said!

[Nancy Pickard]

Harley, I've never actually attended a Musical Opportunity Funeral, and now I really want to. Once. :)

Reine, I'm sorry your family missed that opportunity. I do think it's possible to us to go too far in respecting the deceased person's wishes when we're the ones who have been left to cope.

Cyranetta, now there's a long funeral I might have loved to attend.

Nicky, that's very interesting. Hmmm. But it would be so uncharacteristic of Americans to go overboard on anything. Hee. A wicker coffin?! Oh, we'd never get away with that here, but it sounds lovely. If lovely is a word that can ever go with "coffin."

[Nancy Pickard]

Ah, Fran, what a contrast between the two funerals. I love what you and your family did for your mom, and I think you are very kind to observe that the other service was a comfort to the brother. Painful for her best friend, though.

[Ramona]

My second time to ask if something is bad, but Harley, when the Musical Opportunity arises at the funeral, does the clergyperson act as emcee? Like, "Here's little Viola in her debut performance?"

Just wondering about the professional etiquette on this.

[Doc In CA]

Rules for my memorial service, which should be held just after my ashes cool...

1: No religion whatsoever!
2: Free booze, which must include at least a couple kegs of Guinness and one bottle each of single malt scotch, excellent tequila and my dear friend, Jack Daniels
3: I'm dead, so those who know all the juicy secrets are freed from their vows of secrecy.
4: Plenty of music, starting with "Rock & Roll" by Led Zeppelin and ending with "Kashmir", also by Led Zeppelin. In between, there had damned well better be some rock, reggae, swing, 1960's soul and pre-1975 country & western.
5: Drugs are, as always, optional
6: Ditto sex
7: I'll write my own eulogy, thank you very much. Nobody else would get it right.
8: Bring your dogs
9: Kids, too
10: Once everybody is liquored up enough to say "Fuck the law!", drive to San Francisco and dump my ashes off the Golden Gate Bridge facing The City.

[Harley]

Ramona, that's what the program is for. I've yet to attend one that has in Intermission printed in between Act One and Act Two but I'm guessing that's not far behind.

On the other side of the coin, my friend Betty Garrett had a funeral that I did not attend, but I got to go to the big memorial service, held at L.A.'s fabulous theatre, the Mark Taper Forum. Betty was a wonderful actress in the 40's and 50's whose career was somewhat derailed by Joe McCarthy, but she made a splendid return later in life. Everyone who spoke was a theatre person, including her sons and granddaughter, and clips of her films and TV performances were shown and it was absolutely fabulous. Like a Broadway show. I was never so moved and entertained by anything in my life. Betty got a standing ovation, and it was well-deserved.

[Warren Bull]

When an elderly friend of mine died I was impressed by the number of people present who worked at the skilled nursing facility where he spent his last days. Each one said a few words about how he joked and stayed cheerful throughout his final illness. They talked about feeling glad to have known him and how much they would miss him. It was really moving.

[Ramona]

Okay, I'll be the first to say this.

At my funeral, I want someone to read my most clever quips posted on TLC.

And by "someone" I mean Blond Bond.

[Karen in Ohio]

You guys are hilarious! I didn't stand up and say anything--my friend would never have forgiven me--the cuckolded wife was her former mother-in-law, and she and the philandering hubby are both long dead. This lady was 94, and had lived a very full life.

I also suspect that the affair was conducted with approval from her friend. Her husband died when she was only in her mid-50's. I guess we'll never know for sure, though.

[Joshilyn Jackson]

HA NANCY! I love the REMARKS part esp. Also I LOVED AHrold and Maude. Also, you.

Joss

[Danielle, Quebec]

Zut, every time I try to vote, a square appears saying I already did : not true.
But Nancy I agree on all 6 rules you edicted.
Want short and sweet for myself and I liked the "piper at my grave" idea.
Jennifer: have a huge success with your business.

[Reine]

My cousins saw fit to invite me to a memorial service for my observant Catholic cousin, Marianne who had the nerve to die in Dallas where she lived, rather than Boston, where we came from. How was I to know they expected me to lead the service?

I went to Catholic schools from time to time, and attended Mass with my relatives when I lived with them . . . so I knew what it was all about. The priest stood up and gave a brief welcome. Then he introduced me . . . huh?

There sat her mother's family. There sat her father's family. There sat our Jewish cousins. I stood up. They gasped. That pissed me off.

So I smiled and whispered in the priest's ear, "WTF?"

He pointed to a piece of paper, as he whispered in my ear, "Marianne said you'd say that."

[Diana in STL]

Probably the most heart wrenching funeral I ever attended was for my cousin's 3 year old who died in his sleep. The casket was filled with toys and the poor mother stood and watched video of him endlessly before the long funeral started. It was a day I thought would never end. It was also just a few months after we lost my nephew to ALS and my SIL to cancer 5 weeks apart so my brother and I were still raw from that.

On the lighter side the cousin I lost to ALS this past summer was a great Elvis fan and she had planned her funeral long before she got sick. His songs were played before and during the service.
Her daughter told the story of her mom taking them to an Elvis Concert when they were small and what a great time they had. Our cousin presided at the service which was nice because he could tell childhood stories until he got a little long-winded with an hell-fire and brimstone message. Overall it was a fitting tribute to her and her love of Elvis.

The funeral program last page had the ultimate Elvis ending. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Norma has left the building. Thank you and good night"

[Kellee]

Oh My...
My BFF's son died at 30. She had him cremated. A celebration of life was held a month later in which music and food abounded and finished with the release of balloons on which we had written our wishes and prayers. A year later 3 of us traveled to Casper Mountain in Wyoming and spread his ashes under a lone aspen and burned letters we had written to him. It was exactly right.

[Harley]

Ramona? I'll handle it.

Unless I die first, in which case, same deal.

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Hurray hurray hurray. Nancy, you completely rock.

It's a hard thing, isnt it? Because if they mess up our funerals, we won't know.

Will we?

[Nancy Pickard]

Doc, I especially like Rule #3. In fact, you'd better watch it, because it could go either way as a motive for murder--either by folks who don't want your secrets known, or by the rest of us who do!

Ramona, dear, that would be the world's longest funeral.

Joss, I wish we could all watch Harold & Maude together. I still love that movie soooo much.

Danielle, how can I say "ack!" in French!? Sorry the poll misfired on you.

Reine, omg. Reminds me of the time I walked in late to the bris for some friends' baby boy (well, of course it was a boy), and people turned and frowned at me. A woman whispered, "Where have you been?" Thinking it odd that she'd care, since I barely knew her, I whispered back, "Parking, why?" "You're the godmother!" she said, in stern tones of reprimand. "You were supposed to be here for the service." "I'm the WHAT?" I exclaimed, having NOT been asked ahead of time by my friends. How do you say "WTF" in Yiddish?

Diana. . ."Norma has left the building." That's adorable.

Kelee, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend's son. The way you all chose to mark his life and passing was really lovely.

[Nancy Pickard]

Hank, we'll know, we'll know. . . :)

I see we now have exactly 100 poll respondents (plus Danielle) and 85% of us voted that we like our funerals short and shorter. Nobody voted for the long and longer option, and 15% say they never attend funerals. I'd say that those of us who do go to them are of one mind, ladies and gents.

I'd also say, upon reflection, that those preachers who use the opportunity to shout fire and brimstone are pretty much on a par with the preacher here in Kansas who pickets the funerals of soldiers.

I can't thank you all enough for your comments. Over on my facebook page and elsewhere many people are telling me how much they've enjoyed reading your stories.

[Reine]

Oh Nancy, "your" bris totally trumps my Catholic memorial. :|

[NancyP]

Lol, Reine, I'd rather it didn't, iykwim.