Hoping for the Best Doesn't Cut It Anymore

Hoping for the Best Doesn't Cut It Anymore

by Nancy Martin

A few weeks ago, I pulled into a parking space at my local supermarket. When I unsnapped my seatbelt and got out of my truck, I immediately noticed the car in the adjacent spot was empty, engine running.  Well, the front seat was empty, but the back seat had one passenger—a sleeping infant in a car seat.  The child had been left alone in the car.

            What did I do? I could have called the police.  I could have ignored the situation and gone into the store. I could have started shouting.  But what I did was wait in my car (about four minutes) until the driver returned—a harried young man carrying a prescription from the pharmacy. He got into the car and drove away.

            Did I confront him? No.  Should I have intervened? Probably so.  But I didn’t. Why not? Because I’m not that kind of person. I’m mostly polite. I mind my own business. I’m not confrontational. Yeah, maybe I was intimidated, too. Maybe I didn’t want to face hostility. I was chicken.

           My bad.

            If we have learned anything from the horrific stories that came to light at Penn State last week, it should be that we all have a moral obligation to intervene when we see something bad happening. Lemme tell you: This goes against my upbringing. And I've got to get over this.

            I talked about the Penn State situation with a woman (my husband's aunt, technically, who's younger than he is) who’s the former dean of women at a small college and now the person charged with overseeing whether or not her college complies with various regulations concerning the health and safety of students.  I’m going to call her DeeDee, although that’s not her name.  I thought DeeDee was the ideal person to shed some light on the events at Penn State, and boy, did she give me an earful. 

            Did you know that one in four women is sexually assaulted in college? This stat blew me away.

    Perhaps worse? Only 10% of women under the age of 18 report sexual asault. That astonished me.

    And 90% of rapes are committed by rapists who have either done it before or will do it again.  (Rarely is a rape committed by a guy who once just got a little drunk and carried away.)

    I remember knowing a woman who was raped when I was in college. (Okay, this happend 30 years ago--a different era, so bear with me.)  Within hours of her assault, all the female students on campus knew what had happened to her, but we kept quiet for the sake of her privacy and dignity. She left college, never to return.  The guy stayed, graduated, went on to do……well, I’m trying not to imagine what he did, but considering DeeDee’s statistics, I can assume.  The college hushed up the incident, because what college wants the world to know such things can happen on campus? (I bet you all have similar stories.) Fortunately, that particular angle of the story has been fixed.   Colleges are now required to report incidents that jeopardize student safety. Colleges are also required to create mandatory education for employees and students, too, to tell them what their moral obligations are. 

    Most workplaces annually require all employees to take an online test on the subject of sexual harassment.  But rumor has it that the people whose names appear high on the executive flow charts (at, say, big associations of, say, restaurant owners)  are more likely to skip the test or “have their secretaries take it for them” than others.  Which means, big surprise, they’re more likely to ignore the lessons.

            We live in an era when we feel obligated to take the car keys away from someone who’s had too much to drink, but apparently when it comes to sex and violence we’re still a little squeamish about intervening. I know I am.

            Have you ever intervened? Or do you walk away and hope for the best?

            Obviously, we have to stop minding our own business when somebody is in trouble. I need to get over my polite lady thing.

            We’d like to think we’d intervene if we saw a grown man raping an eight-year-old. But if that man is someone we’ve known and respected all our lives, someone who can control our employment and/or has the respect of even more powerful people in our world…….well, I guess some of us would slip away without saying a word. Or we’d wait until the next day to speak up—but not calling the police, just alerting a “higher authority” and hoping for the best.

            This has got to stop. We’re all going to have to get bolder.

            DeeDee gave me three “D” options:

1. Make Direct contact.  In other words, if you see something bad happening, you confront the bad guy yourself.  A lot of us don’t feel capable of being direct, or we fear repercussions, though, so the next option is:
2. Delegate.  Call a cop. Dial 911 or summon mall security or go around the corner and call your resident assistant—anyone who will step in. (I guess the important thing to remember here is to make sure the person who contact actually follows up!)
3. Distract.  If you see a young woman, say, being accosted by a drunk in a bar, spill your drink on him.

    Now, I gotta say, this distraction thing sounds right up my alley. Sure, it might not deter the evil doer for long, but hey, it would give me a minute to screw up my courage to go a step farther.  Or it would give the police time to arrive.

So I figure distractions are what TLC could excell at.

"Excuse me, sir, I see you're attacking that young lady, but could you tell me how to get to the post office?

I need some other ideas.  Suggestions, anyone? 

Because turning a blind eye and hoping for the best just isn’t an option anymore.

 

Comments

[Reine]

That's quite a video, Nancy. Thank you.

I did my field placement for the master's in couples, family, and child counseling in an agency that called itself the Child Abuse Prevention Center. It previously had a more benign name, but they decided to change it - I think in order to win more grant money.

The trouble I had with the name was that it did nothing, in my opinion, to prevent child abuse. We saw court-referred parents who, in order to maintain or regain custody, had to complete a class in parenting and participate in therapy. They all knew what the expected behaviors were. They could rattle them off. But it didn't help keep them from reoffending.

Therapy was not designed to address the personal or psychiatric/medical issues that the parents were living. Behavioral therapy helps some people who are motivated to make changes, but it can do very little for people who have explosive disorders, major mental illness, or not much in the way of a conscience.

The sign over the door, CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION CENTER, was stigmatizing. Anyone who might have come in for help before they were in crisis was not about to come for help after they changed the name from a more welcoming, HAVEN. But oh boy, did they get grant money and court referrals.

I was only a student intern and had less influence on policy than the receptionist. Her coup was being allowed, against my objections, to leave the clients' folders in the open, on a table in the reception room where anyone who wandered in could see them. I didn't believe I had a prayer of helping anyone there.

[William]

We all know pretty much where I stand on this subject, but it did trigger a memory:

An experiment on THE TODAY SHOW. A licensed PI and his seven year old son play-acted in downtown New York. There was a uniformed NYPD officer nearby. The father was yanking his son to the car, the kid was screaming, "NO! You're not my dad! Lemme go!" at the top of his lungs.

No one gave them a second glance. NO ONE. Men, women, couples, walked by and ignored the situation. Absolutely no one even paused or stopped to ask a question... until two gang-bangers walked by. They moved on a few paces, stopped, turned around, and headed back, reaching under their shirts.

The child immediately stopped his act, dad started yelling, "This is not real! There's a cop! Take it easy, guys!" pointing to the officer nearby. "This is a game, this is NOT real!" The officer came over, explained the situation, and everyone calmed down.

That footage was disturbing on so many levels. So many people didn't even look over. Didn't even glance.

I cannot begin to count how many times I've heard people actually say, "It's not my kid, not my problem." "Anyone touches my kid, they're dead." (Usually from someone who has played a couple of rounds of paintball and now considers himself an expert marksman/hitman.) Or something really deep, like, "Well, it's a hard world out there."

Maybe it is a hard world out there, but there are some lines that should never be crossed. Sexual assault, regardless of the victim's age, is a CRIME. Period.

[Karen in Ohio]

The astonishing thing isn't just that one fourth of college women are sexually assaulted: One third of ALL women are. That means that at least a third of us here on the blog have been victims of this kind of bullying. And any other kind of bullying would get all kinds of outrage, wouldn't it?

When my youngest daughter went to the Citadel, we talked with the kind administrator who befriended the bewildered parents about to leave their 17-year old daughter amongst a population of 94% male students. My question: How safe is she? His answer: Safer than at most coed colleges, where the sexual assault is more common, and the students are not monitored every. minute. of the day.

I'm almost as disturbed by the simulated violence, just the idea of playacting to make a point, as I am by the real thing. Sure, it raises awareness, but do we really need to add to the perceived level of abuse?

[Me, Margie]

Hi. It's Me, Margie.

Listen Boss Lady, you want a distraction? Mother nature gave you two and they are right up front. One flash can stop an entire bar in its tracks. Especially if you stand on a table. But maybe not everyone wants to do that.

So here is one of the favorites of the Mancini cousins. Cousin #1 goes up behind the scumbag and whispers: "Hey Baby, ya wanna play rough?" while slipping a hand around his gross waist (if he is too fat to get around him, you have to approach from the side, duh)

Then, Cousin #1 has the choice - engage a grip that will make the guy a shoe-in for the Vienna Boys' Choir, or let Cousin #2 in on the fun. Sometimes we have to rock-paper-scissors for it.

Cousin #3 steps in to grab the scum by the collar (because by this time, the moron is bent at the waist) and drag him out back.

Then it's a real Mancini reunion out there, but I have been told by my Uncle Anthony that I can't tell any more of the story after this.

If you are by yourself and you won't flash and you don't have backup, sidle up to the punk, lean forward as if you are trying to pick up a bottle or something, then come down hard on the middle of his foot. Stilettos are ideal. If you are wearing sandals, just deliver a swift kick to the knee. Then call the cops. Sometimes, the end game is best left to the pros.

[Alan P.]

If you believe colleges are ACCURATELY reporting sexual assaults, Aunt DeeDee is lying to you. Many colleges and more than a few communities do not report rapes as rape.

Things have changed, they are better. More reports are filed, but ON MANY COLLEGE CAMPUSES RAPE IS AN "INTERNAL MATTER" NOT REFERRED TO LOCAL POLICE FOR CRIMINAL PROSECUTION.

Maybe after this, things will improve.

I have an advantage, I'm a guy. I'll call the police and file a report. I have before. One thing is cell phones make it much easier to get help than ever before.

Now I'm thinking about _ raped in her high school by a football star in the 1990's, The rapist who worked my high school 30 years ago (the school did not think a dozen or so attacks warranted locking the building's 40 outside doors back then, and the ones I don't know about.

Oh, and Mike who had the misfortune of being a powerfully built black male with a shaved head delivering pizza in a neighborhood being attacked by a serial rapist described as a powerfully built black male with a shaved head. Mike was questioned about a dozen times. Mike was 20 the rapist, when caught was 50 and other than black and male didn't look anything like Mike.

[Alan P.]

So, when did we institutionalize letting rapists go?

http://news.yahoo.com/catholic-bishop-gets-deal-avoid-criminal-charges-012323009.html Bishop Gets Deal to Avoid Criminal Charges.

[Nancy Martin]

Thank you all---yes, even you, Me, Margie (if I flash anyone, it's going to be a horror show) for your thoughts today.

Can I admit that I can't watch that video? It's too confrontational for me! Ack! I REALLY need to get over this.

[Laurie]

Personally, I have a gut reaction that doesn't let me not do anything. That isn't always the smartest, but I can't see anyone in trouble or getting hurt, and not react. For instance, I recall driving in a residential neighborhood and seeing on the sidewalk a group of high school kids standing in a circle around the scene of one girl on top of another, pounding her head into the sidewalk. I immediately pulled over and jumped out of my car, through the circle and demanded in a rather loud voice that the girl "stop! and get off of her!" She proceeded to call me a nasty name, but did stop doing what she was doing, and left. THe crowd slowly moved away and I helped the girl who was being beaten retrieve her inhaler which had been thrown aside during the fight as she began having an asthmatic attack. This was back before cell phones so, I ran to the nearest pay phone to call for medical help.

It wasn't until after the fact that I thought that I was lucky that the crowd of kids didn't turn on me.

[Nancy Martin]

Laurie! You're my hero!

[DebbraSue]

I am not confrontational by nature either, but I have called the police on people who leave children unattended in a vehicle.

I was at a large big box store last summer and was parking when I noticed a car with three young children in it parked in the handicap spot. There wasn't a hang tag or license plates on the vehicle to allow them to park there and there wasn't an adult in the vehicle either. It was also a very warm and humid summer day and the windows were only cracked a tiny bit at the top -- certainly not enough to get any fresh air into the car.

I stayed in my car and looked at my watch -- I would give the adult three minutes to reappear, since it had already been a couple of minutes. The children did not look like they were in distress or I would have called immediately. After the three minutes had passed, I called 911 and gave them all the details. Less than five minutes later the police car arrived and still no adult had emerged from the store.

I don't know how long those children were actually left alone, but I felt better after I saw the situation was under control by the authorities.

[sarah]

Laurie: WHO the hell are these girls? Beating up an asthmatic? Holy shit and good for you!

About the baby in the car, personally, I think you did the right thing. You looked after the child's safety and made sure no harm came. If someone had tried to break into the car you would have done something.

Why was the car running? Was it hot?

I'm assuming the baby was sick and the guy being a guy didn't want to wake her. Who knows? But it's not like he parked the car and went in for a beer and extended visit at the bar.

Though I never would have done such a thing as a mother and neither would any of us here.

But that's a good example, Nancy, because it's not AWFUL just not...right. And I think that's where a lot of us end up on these cases. Is the mother slapping the hand of the child in the grocery store having a bad day? Or is this business as usual? And, if so, how is making a comment going to change that?

As for sexual assault in college, I think young women have to be taught to look after each other no matter what. It's complicated and uncomfortable, but they need to learn to stand up for themselves and their friends when things get dicey.

Geesh. What a world.

[Kerry]

Alan P. is exactly right about the situation on college campuses. I've been working FOR THREE YEARS with the woman who does all the rape crisis counseling at our women's center to get the upper administration to mandate assault prevention training for all college students. Instead, the administration focuses on the far rarer, but much better publicized problem of robberies and assaults that happen on the campus periphery (we are an urban institution with lots of bad neighborhoods).

One of the many problems with reporting sexual assault on campuses is that young women don't even know they've been assaulted. They know they had sex. They know they were drunk. Or they know that someone used emotional coercion or "talked them into it." They don't understand that they did not give consent. They don't understand that they will suffer the EXACT SAME LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES as women who are raped with physical force.

Then, of course, there's the problem that sexual assault is difficult to prove, and that rapists go unpunished most of the time. Makes my blood boil.

If you want to learn intervention, find a good self-defense class, preferably one taught by an instructor certified in self defense by the National Women's Martial Arts Federation (http://www.nwmaf.org). Assertiveness and bystander intervention are often included in their training.

Nancy's right. It's way past time to let fear and social pressure keep us from doing the right thing.

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Yeah, you have to believe a woman would have called the police immediately in the "Shower situation"--I mean, right?

And my first thought about the baby, Nancy, is I would have called the police. But then--sigh--would I? I certainly wouldn't have left..hmm. Now I'm wondering if we should try that experiment here for a TV story.

[Laurie]

Thanks, Nancy!

Sarah- it wasn't so much that the girl knew that she was beating up an asthmatic, but during the fight the girl being beaten had an asthma attack induced by the stress of being beaten, and her book bag that had her inhaler in it, had been tossed to the side and the contents (including her inhaler were spilled all over the grass and sidewalk). I know, I know, it's a crazy, and often violent, world, and who knows why some high school kids get into fights. But it was frightening to me that all of the other high school kids (boys and girls) were standing around doing nothing, just watching, and the poor girl's head was being pounded into the sidewalk by the other girl. I truly just can't see something like that going on and turn the other way.

[Maryann Mercer]

One thing that stops a lot of people from direct involvement is a news report like the one we heard last night on our local news. There were several kids fighting outside on the street...teenagers actually. Neighborhood kids. A woman, also from the neighborhood, tried to intervene...not sure if she called the police first, but I know someone did. Meanwhile, she tried to separate two of the kids and a third picked up a piece of wood with nails embedded in it and started beating her as the fight around them got bigger. She's in the hopsital in critical condition. The police were able to arrest a total of four of the fifty...and I'd bet money not one of them will give up the kid who assaulted her. And then there's the dreaded..."you hurt me when you helped me, so my attorney is taking you to court" issue. Call 911 and then stay close until the cops show up. Kudos to the gangbangers for at least thinking about the kid. And it's one case I'd definitely be on the phone. In retail, we have to watch out for this. Yet you'd be surprised how many parents leave their kids unattended in our children's department. We've actually paged for the parents, and if they don't answer, we call the police. We are two steps away from an Interstate...it doesn't take much. Thanks, Nancy...and William, thanks for all you do.

[Nancy Martin]

See, I agree, the violence is different from the "not quite right" situation. In a violent encounter, adrenaline takes over. What a world, indeed.

Kerry, how I wish we could have a TLC self-defense class from you! Can you imagine?

Hank, that's the thing, right? We'd all like to think we'd act like heroes in a bad situation. But......would we? Now, a child being attacked in a shower--I think any sane person would intervene. But obviously not. It's crazy.

[Nancy Martin]

Maryann---I think you're describing a frenzied mob! The hospitalized woman is definitely a hero. But, jeez.

And parents who leave their kids in the children's dept and really walk away--that seems nuts in this era. (The stories of sex offenders in bookstores really gives me the creeps.)

[Laurie]

Maryann, You're definitely right about what you commented on. In the situation that I was involved in, if I had a cell phone back then, I would have most definitely called the police first. Without one, I couldn't just let this girl continue to get beaten up until I got to a payphone. Like you said, I think that it's important to call the police and to be a good witness as to what happened so that the criminals can be successfully prosecuted.

I realize that I was extremely lucky that I didn't end up hurt myself. I just didn't give it a thought at the time, until afterwards.

[Ramona]

I watched the video. The "You should be shot" guy was as scary as the ones who walked away.

About the baby in the car, it was left running. That tells me a parent planned to return right away. Doesn't make leaving the baby inside okay, but there are clues to the situation.

Speaking of which, William's story and "You're not my dad!" Hearing that, I might wonder if this is a stepfather-stepson thing and not an abduction. Would a kid address an abductor, rather than yell "hell me!" to bystanders? Would people hearing "You're not my dad" think this is a family situation and not their business? I wonder how that would have played out if the script was different.

My friend and I were out walking last winter when we heard some weird noises from a house up the street. It was 10 p.m. The noises sounded like moaning but we couldn't tell. The owners were new, There was a MIL apt built over the garage, and it sounded like the sounds came from there. We waited in the street but didn't hear more, so we continued our walk. On our return, we stopped again and had a big debate about what to do. Finally, after I proposed the idea that a kidnapped woman was being held in a closet and how would we feel if we found out about this later and had done nothing--we called the police non-emergency number. My friend did the talking and was upfront: We weren't sure if we'd heard anything or not, but we were calling anyway. Then we both went home and, from our dark windows, watched one police car arrive and an officer go to the house, then back to his car. Another patrol car came. They sat idling in the road for a long time, apparently talking.

Later, my friend and I found out that the owner of the house is a cop and they moved here and bought the house to take care of his very ill mother. I have never met him, but I've wondered if he thinks it's a good thing or a bad thing that he has meddling neighbors.

[Mary Stella]

Have you ever watched the ABC show "What Would You Do?" It fascinates me to watch in what situations strangers will intervene. I get involved, particularly when the problem is obvious - someone's abusing an animal, an elderly man's wandering the street in mid-summer stuffed inside sweaters and an overcoat (Alzheimers), group of high schoolers hanging out around my snowbird neighbor's closed up house late at night smoking dope, a guy manhandling his girlfriend in a bar, and such. When I see someone offer a hose of water or lettuce to manatees, I always politely intervene and explain why they need to stop doing that. Oh, how that pisses off some folks. There are just people in the world that don't ever want to hear that they can't do what they want when they want even if it's illegal, wrong or stupid.

Sometimes you just have to not think about whether someone will sue you or react badly, and do something. But it's scary, particularly when the person you confront has all the signs of being a big ass bully.

Honestly, though, if I'd seen the baby in the car, as long as the A/C was on, I'd have done the same thing and waited a few minutes to see if the parent returned. I could easily see a scenario where the parent of a sick child didn't have someone to watch the baby while he ran out to get the necessary prescription. That nap might have been the first time the child had slept all day and Dad didn't want to wake him up and start him screaming again.

Now, here in Florida if I pass a car with the windows up, no A/C, and a dog locked inside, I immediately call the authorities. Yes, I would do the same for a child. The "No A/C" is an immediate game-changer.

I cannot imagine any condition where it would be okay to walk in on an adult beating or raping someone else, adult or child, and not do something -- preferably with a 2 X 4. If all someone is capable of doing is screaming loudly while calling 911, then at least that is more than doing nothing.

The harder cases are the ones that they sometimes show on WWYD. Imagine this scenario: You're lunching in a restaurant and the woman at the next table is constantly berating her daughter for being fat. At what point do you lean over to the woman and suggest she rein it in?

You're at your kid's soccer game and one player's father is yelling at him from the sideline, "Come on, Kevin, move your lazy ass. Go after the ball. Jesus, Kevin, could you be any more lame? How could you miss that shot? Get your head in the game!" Do you pull Dad aside and tell him that screaming derogatory things is no way to motivate?

Tough calls.

[William]

David Brooks, Op/Ed for the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/15/opinion/brooks-lets-all-feel-superior.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=general

[Laura (in PA)]

Great blog, Nancy. I am the same way - I was raised to be polite and not make waves - it's hard for me to intervene. But you're absolutely right - we need to get over it. I like to think I would do something if I saw someone getting hurt - I hope I'm right.

A fun result of the casinos built around here in the last few years is the increasing incidents of people leaving children in cars while they go in and gamble. So much so, there has been a bill introduced to deal with it:

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/Bills-Target-Gambling-Parents-Who-Leave-Kids-in-Car-133799138.html

What the heck.

[Nancy Martin]

Ramona, hearing moaning from a house--yes, that warrants a phone call for sure. And how could a cop not want encourage meddling neighbors? Neighborhood Watch, right?

Mary, tough calls indeed. Did you see the story on last night's news about the mentally challenged girl who was being bullied at school---by her own teacher and the teacher's aid?? The parents finally sent the girl to school with recording device, and the things those teachers said---just appalling. But, do we intervene in a restaurant? It's so difficult to know how we'd react until we're actually in the situation!

[Nancy Martin]

Oh, William---David Brooks says it so much more eloquently that I did!

Laura, the parking garage at our new casino here in Pittsburgh has regular patrols that look for children left in cars while somebody gambles. It's a huge problem.

[Mary Stella]

Here's another scenario that I think about sometimes because it's entirely possible that it could happen to me in the Florida Keys.

Say you're out on your boat, enjoying a day cruising the beautiful ocean, maybe fishing or going snorkeling on the coral reef. In the distance you see what looks like a strange sort of vessel with numerous people aboard. You pull a little closer, get out your binoculars and realize the people are waving for help. A little closer and you see that the vessel isn't sinking but the people are still trying to call you over and you realize that they aren't also boaters out for a ride -- they're immigrants who have fled Cuba.

All they need to do is make it to shore (wet foot/dry foot policy) and if you just towed them a few hundred yards over to that island over there, they'd be safe and allowed to stay in this country.

Legally, what you're supposed to do is immediately call the Coast Guard, give the GPS coordinates and stay near the vessel, but far enough away that the immigrants can't board your boat and take over.

Oh, but those poor people are dying of thirst. Their faces are blistered from severe sunburn. They've risked everything, including their lives and the lives of their children (Yes, there are kids on the vessel) to flee the oppression of their home country.

Really, would one more group of six immigrants be so bad?

Oh, and one of your bosses -- a man you revere and love -- fled Cuba with his family 50 years ago when he was a child before the Castro regime arrested his father yet again and, this time, executed him in prison. Yes, his family was taken in legally to this country and these people are trying to come in illegally, but still . . . these poor people are desperate.

So, what would you do?

(A few months ago, when I was out on my boat, I spotted something in the water that appeared to be a flipped rowboat, modified to hold more people. It definitely looked like a makeshift vessel that might have been used by refugees. Thankfully, there were no people on it or around it, so I didn't have to answer my own ethical question. For the record, I strive to live an ethical life, so if I ever do happen upon a vessel of immigrants, I'm sure I'll do the legal thing -- but I'll no doubt feel bad for turning them in and will tie a cooler of drinking water to a long rope so at least they can quench their thirst while waiting for the Coast Guard.)

[Nancy Martin]

Oh, Mary! Now, that's a complicated situation. One that I think might need a whole book to examine. (It's a great idea for a novel, don't you think?) But my first instinct would be to give them water and shelter. (And I'd be arrested, I guess?) Oh, dear!

[Storyteller Mary]

I hope I would intervene, “how could you not,” and I have taken lost children to security and did once stop the car to offer escort to neighborhood children who appeared to be spoiling for a fight.
It’s hard, though, to judge what one would do in a situation until faced with it. Once, while reading _Night_ with my sophomores, I said I hoped I would be brave enough to hide those in danger. One of my students said, “Oh YOU would!” I hope so.
It’s easier and safer now with cell phones. “The police are on the way,” should help. I like the Mancini scenario as well. However, when I took self-defense classes in college, I found I didn’t have much power behind my punches.
I have read studies that show that people’s willingness to intervene actually decreases as the number of witnesses increases, everyone apparently waiting for someone else to take the first step.

[Shannon]

When I was 11, I was attacked in public park. A man grabbed me, held a knife against my side and told me to undress. I reacted instinctively and screamed, when he covered my mouth, I bit him and kept screaming. Fortunately, this was enough to make him let me go and I ran off in one direction and he headed in the other.

I was in a public park during lunch time with plenty of adults around. Who responded to my cries for help? My older brother and another boy I knew from school. I still remember how angry my brother was when we were talking to the police and recounted how none of the adults had reacted to my screams.

I don't know how I'd react in that situation, but at the time, I told myself I wouldn't just ignore it if I heard someone screaming for help, but I think I was more fearless back then. I'd like to believe that I would do something. Someone once told me that if I'm stopped from acting because I'm worried about what if I'm wrong, that what I need to ask myself is what if I'm right?

[Deb]

Oh, Nancy, you brought up some memories. When I was twelve, my ten year old sister and I were walking behind our apt building one afternoon. We came upon the sixteen year old neighborhood bully choking our eight year old brother. We never gave it a thought - we immediately ran over to them. I started kicking the attacker. My sister bit him. He let go of our brother and began to hit me. I don't know why he stopped but I think he was afraid the commotion might attract other, bigger people. My brother was badly bruised but otherwise was unhurt. My sister and I were so,so angry! I have always assumed that there were no adults around to witness this,but you have me wondering. Our mom was inside our apartment and knew nothing about this until we told her.

Some years ago,I was driving home from work on the nearby interstate hghway and saw an elderly woman walking her dog on the shoulder of the road. I was very upset about their safety. The nearest exits were in a really bad neighborhood of a large city, I had no cell phone at the time (few people did),so it took me a few minutes to get to a place where I could make a phone call. I did call the state police and fortunately, someone else had already called, and help was on the way.

I really do not know what I would do about some of the other issues mentioned here. I can only hope that I would do whatever was in my power to do.

[Judith Bandsma]

On the same day that people are up in arms about the adult who saw a child being assaulted and did nothing comes word from the Pope that child molestation is not actually such an evil thing after all and was quite 'normal' up til the 70's. With the implication being "what's the big deal, why is everyone getting so upset?"

Hard enough to fight this without the church saying it isn't that bad a thing in the first place. Sorry, makes me want to tear down churches, brick by brick.

[Nancy Martin]

Mary, how interesting that more witnesses means less help! Ack!

Shannon, you tell your harrowing story so matter-of-factly, I'm so impressed. And you're so right: What if I'm wrong? is the wrong question.

[Nancy Martin]

Deb, as kids were we more fearless than now? It's such a humbling question for me.

Judith, honestly, don't you sometimes wonder if the church is stuck in another century? LIke, 500 years ago??

[Margaret Maron]

A really provocative post, Nancy. And so many pertinent issues. I hope I'd do the right thing, but we never know till push comes to shove, do we. Thanks.

[Laura (in PA)]

Yes - the phenomenon Mary refers to is called the "bystander effect". I remember it from my Psych classes in college, and actually thought about it when I read this post this morning.

http://psychology.about.com/od/socialpsychology/a/bystandereffect.htm

[lil Gluckstern]

I had an interesting experience several years ago. My daughter and son-in-law were in a large fancy food "purveyor" the day before Christmas. They had a large "Christmas on the farm" set with animals (fake), and sitting in front of it was a little boy about 5 years old. He was crying and looked terrified. I went up to him and asked him if he couldn't find his parents, and he nodded. I sent my daughter to find a clerk to make an announcement, and said he would be okay. All of a sudden, Mom and Dad, each with their own carriage came up and yelled at him, and the mom looked at me as if I was a child abductor. I looked at her and said I was just trying to help. Well, If looks could kill, I wouldn't be writing this. I guess that's the chance I took, but I would do it again. I felt strange, but the child needed some comfort, and the clerk showed up and all was well, I guess. In today's world, Mom had a right to be suspicious, but parents also need to work harder at being vigilant. And I would have done what you did, Nancy, and would have done something later on if Dad hadn't shown up. I'm just a busy body. :)

[Nancy Martin]

Lil, maybe the key is not moving the kid from where he is---but bringing help to him instead? But I know what you mean---everybody seems to be suspect these days.

[Deb]

Nancy,

I think I probably WAS more fearless as a kid. Kids tend not to think about the consequences of their actions; that can be good or bad, depending on the situation. I hope I would do the same thing today but I can't honestly know what I would do until actually faced with the situation. I always have my cell phone with me these days, and I know that I would use it. Other than that, I don't know. I'm in my sixties now; would I be physically able to protect/help someone? I don't know. The closest I have come to this is not being able to help my physically disabled sister a couple of times when she fell when she was with me. I was in my fifties then. I had to call for help. But nobody was threatening either of us with violence, so that doesn't really count.

[gaylin in Vancouver]

A friend of mine was date raped in her apartment a few years ago, she screamed the entire time, asking for help. The walls in that building are tissue thin, it was after 11, people would have been home and heard. No one helped.

I used to live next door to a wife beater, after calling the cops a couple of times and having her send them away every time because 'nothing was wrong'. Was I supposed to keep calling the cops? I was very relieved to move away from them, I felt useless in trying to help her. Yes, I did talk to her, she loved him too much to leave him.

I am glad I live in a very quiet neighbourhood where there is only noise a few nights in the summer and the rest of the time the biggest worry is skunks or coyotes . . .

[NancyP]

Nancy, what a great blog. I think you did a really good thing by waiting for a parent to return, but I would have had the same self-doubts.

I once reported a suspicious looking fellow who was hanging around the children's section at a B&N. The store appreciated it and called the cops. The cops came and recognized him as a homeless man and took him to shelter. I feel both bad and good about my role, you know?

Once in Australia, I saw a small child alone and crying in a shopping area. I asked him if he'd lost his mommy and he tearfully nodded. I took his hand and took him into a store and
asked the sales women to watch him while I went back to look for his mom. Found her, and she was frantic. Now I think I coukd have gotten in big trouble by moving the child.

But there have been other times I didn't know what to do and did nothing. In your case I would have worried that child protective services might have taken the child away, and that might have stopped me from calling the cops.

We ALL need to ahve this conversation.

[Aimee]

Thank you for writing this. This is a conversation I've been having with a lot of people lately in reaction to the Penn State situation. The situation you describe is a trickier one, I think you did the right thing by waiting. I don't know if I would have confronted the parent in that situation. I have, though, called 911 when I've (a) seen a neighbor being hit by her husband, and (b) heard a child yelling for help, even though it was in the city and I couldn't be sure where the yell was coming from. I do think, as someone who's been sexually assaulted myself, that I wouldn't hesitate to intervene if I witnessed someone being assaulted, ESPECIALLY a child.

It saddens but doesn't surprise me that the Catholic church has responded the way it has regarding sexual assault. Someone above said they're living in the distant past. Sadly, that's true.

[Nancy Martin]

Where are my comments going? Grrr, Mr Typepad! Checking.....

[Carol Robinson]

I've never had to save anyone, though I like to believe I would try. I have helped where I could where others were uncomfortably ignoring the situation. Once, I was on a city bus when an adult Downs syndrome adult sat in the seat in front of me. He began moaning and carrying on. All around us people began moving to the back of the bus. I stayed put and asked if something was hurting him, and I asked if I could help. Turns out his brother had put him on the bus to go to the dentist. He was scared. We talked all the way to his destination with me talking up how gentle dentists were. He calmed and I hope it turned out well for him at the dentist. One woman who had run to the back with the crowd stopped and thanked me for calming the distraught man, she wished she had known what to do. Another time, waiting for the bus, there was a blind woman trying to cross the street. I could see her listening, but hesitating, afraid. I went to the corner and when the light turned green I let her know and crossed the street too. When she turned to cross the other street, I waited, crossed that too, wished her luck and returned to the bus stop. She never said a word. Both instances there were many people around who could have but did not act. That's scary. I, too, am busybody. It's easier to act than worry about how good intentions may be misinterpreted.

[Reine]

I wish some of you had been there for us.

[gaylin in Vancouver]

Reine, I second that.

I recently sat on the grass holding the hand of a woman having a panic attack. She kept trying to apologize for taking up my time. I told time, I had lots of it and she could take all the time she needed.

[gaylin in Vancouver]

Duh, I told her time, I had lots of . . .

can't type coherently when I am tired.

[Storyteller Mary]

I love that I know so many busybodies!! Where would the world be without people concerned for each other?

[Reine]

I love you all . . . so righteously passionate and caring.

Gaylin that was so kind of you to sit with the woman.

Deb, there are special lift-assist techniques that you might be able to do. A physical therapy website might show how, or a real-live PT, can show you. Even if you cannot do it, if you need to ask someone else to help, it's important both to do it safely. You would be able to explain. I strongly resisted the move to a wheelchair, but after my umphteenth fall crossing the street while living in Boston, I acquiesced.

One of those falls a guard on duty at Children's Hospital ran out into traffic, and carried me out of the way of a line of cars that was not showing any signs of slowing down. You might say that was heroic of him!

One time I fell in front of a bus in Harvard Square. Two "Yardlings" ran over to pull me out of the icy slush, while another waved his arms frantically at the bus driver - who never did slow down.

Several more of these incidents made it obvious that me walking = danger to all kind people!

[Alan P.]

I started my day here. Just came from a meeting. One of the other people there was a social worker. We were talking about children and honesty. She has been working with a 10 year old boy who initially told the psych workers he hit his mother. What he meant to say was he raped his sister.

How about something lighter for Thursday.

[lil Gluckstern]

Hi Nancy-I didn't move the little boy nor did I touch him; my daughter went to get the clerk. I just wanted to soothe him because he was so scared. I have learned that there is only community to help us get through the day, sometimes.

[leochbattery]

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[Reina]

Back when I was a daycare mom, I had a little girl who was in preschool with my daughtercome over to play. While she was there she began to sexually act out and it concerned me. She was doing things that no 4 year old should know about, and red flags went up. I didn't necessarily want to call child protection if I was over-reacting, so I called my case worker instead and ran things by her. She too felt concerned and suggested I call child protection as an annonymous reporter and run the scenario and behaviors by them, and if they felt is was worth investigating, I would then provide the info needed.

Long story short, I called CP, they heard me out and agreed there were red flags, but didn't necessarily feel abuse was occurring, so I didn't give my name or any identifying info about the child/family beyond her age and that she was in preschool with my daughter.

About a week later, I was accosted at my front door by the little girl's parents, accusing ME of turning them into child protection, and that they were being investigated for alleged sexual abuse. I told them I had not turned them in--I hadn't by name--but it made me wonder if the preschool teacher did. Needless to say, they moved out of the neighborhood shortly thereafter, and I often wondered how that poor little girl turned out.