What Part of No . . .
"Wanna go up to my room?" Jack asked.
"Huh?" I said.
We were waiting for the doors to open for a hotel banquet. More than a hundred people were packed into the cocktail party before the meal. The room was hot, noisy and uncomfortable.
I was sure I heard wrong. Jack was my friend. Okay, he was someone I talked to at conferences. I liked him.
Jack knew I was married. I’d mentioned Don often enough.
He couldn’t be hitting on me.
He was. Jack invited me up to his hotel room for a quickie.
"I’m married," I said. "I’ve been married forty years."
I thought that staggering number would squash any further attempted friskiness.
"Me, too," he said. "Thirty-two." He grinned like he was proud. Of what?
"Excuse me," I said, and elbowed my way through the crowd to get away from him.
I haven’t lived a sheltered life. I worked some thirty years for newspapers, radio and TV stations. The news business is hardly a ladies’ seminary.
I know adults commit adultery. They also smoke, drink, cheat on their spouses and their expense accounts. I may have stretched some mileage figures but I don’t bed hop.
I take marriage seriously. I’d promised to love and honor Don. I made sure the word "obey" wasn’t in my vows. I wouldn’t swear to anything I couldn’t do. We’d agreed to love each other, and if the marriage didn’t work out, then we’d call it quits. But I wouldn’t make a fool out of my husband.
I’d always thought adultery was about revenge: It was a way for angry cheaters to get back at their spouses.
Many offices are like high school: People run in cliques. The drinkers meet at the same watering hole. The druggies have their own secret signs and signals, and mainly sell pot to one another. One of them, a middle manager I didn’t much like, was known to make a profit off his friends. They bought from him anyway.
The office cheaters were a rather dreary bunch who seemed to enjoy sneaking around. They got their kicks coming back to the office with faces flushed and clothes slightly askew. They enjoyed knowing the staff saw their minivan rockin’ in the company parking lot.
(Yeah, you read that right. A minivan. They were married with children. Stolen sex among the stale french fries. Gets ya hot, doesn’t it?)
The cheaters weren’t the beautiful people, either. The average adulterer was . . .well, average.
I don’t like displaying my vices in public. Like most of the staff, I went home to my family.
Whenever I started work at a new place, some of the cheaters would hit on me. Once I made it clear I wasn’t interested, they went back to their world and I stayed in mine.
That’s why I was so disappointed and angry with Jack. I’m no femmes fatale. I didn’t flirt with him. I wasn’t wearing a provocative dress. I’d known him for years and thought he was one of my "safe" friends. Now our friendship was over. What the heck was he thinking?
I quietly asked a few trusted female friends. They said Jack had never hit on anyone they knew.
Why did he change?
If I had gone up to his hotel room, what next? Would I have to look at him adoringly the whole conference? Would we run to each other’s rooms at the next convention? Or pretend it never happened?
I have no idea.
That’s why I’m asking you, TLC. Why did Jack suddenly go rogue?
This'll be fun to check back in on during the day. I've got no answers, I was always faithful as Argos.
Posted by: Josh | October 06, 2011 at 05:02 AM
Mid-life crisis? Male menopause? Both? Maybe not playing those games turned him on?
It's more likely that he grew up in a time where men and women did become "friends". Any encounter (yes, even over the water cooler) eventually HAD to lead to sex.
Posted by: Judith Bandsma | October 06, 2011 at 05:45 AM
That should have been DIDN'T become "friends".
Posted by: Judith Bandsma | October 06, 2011 at 05:46 AM
Oddly enough, we were just talking about this on our walk last night. It mystifies me why someone would take vows, cheat, AND stay married. One friend recently, after being told his wife was finally, after thirty years of cheating, was kicking him out, committed suicide. He could not face life without both the wife and the girlfriend of five years. He refused to sleep with his wife, but didn't want to "lose" her. Another friend just kicked her husband out for longtime cheating, too. I don't get it, frankly.
In the mid-70's I worked at Merrill Lynch as a sales assistant. One of the other brokers, not one of the guys I worked with, showed up at my apartment one night after the bars closed, fully expecting me to let him him. I guess because I was single. You can imagine my response, and then his response when I said "What about your wife?" To which he said, "Leave her out of this." Wha? And as you said, Elaine, what next, after that encounter?
Besides, you look pretty damned good, even without a provocative dress. Not that that matters to a cheater.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | October 06, 2011 at 08:29 AM
Let him in.
I need coffee.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | October 06, 2011 at 08:31 AM
"Not that that matters to a cheater."
I think that may be one of the keys, Karen. It wasn't about you. It was about him. Another notch on the cheater's bedpost. Who wants that?
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 08:44 AM
Oh, ick. I'm sorry, Elaine. I have no answers other than what you just said--it was about him.
I don't understand those who choose to cheat. If your marriage/relationship isn't working, I think you have two choices: make it better or get out. Cheaters obviously see other options. I always thought (and said to my first husband--who did cheat--)--all you get with a cheater is someone who'll cheat. Who wants that?
Ick.
Posted by: judy merrill larsen | October 06, 2011 at 09:04 AM
I think the cold, hard truth is that lots of people cheat. Many of them, like Jack in this story, seem to think it's a harmless distraction, not a big deal.
My opinion is that if you were friends before, just let it go as a case of really bad judgment on his part. If you weren't friends before, who gives a shit - the guy does not exist.
Posted by: Kathy Reschini Sweeney | October 06, 2011 at 09:37 AM
The Bongo Men of the world will all burn in hell for a thousand years.
Posted by: xena | October 06, 2011 at 09:39 AM
All I can think is that he'd been at the cocktail party long enough to get smashed, the room was hot, and you looked hot. Not that this excuses him, but may explain?
Posted by: Margaret Maron | October 06, 2011 at 09:58 AM
It's bad enough to receive unwanted attention from a stranger, but when it happens with a "friend" it must be devastating. I have no answers, Elaine; I'm just so sorry that it happened to you and that you had to lose a friend. In my opinion, there is NO excuse for his behavior.
Posted by: Deb | October 06, 2011 at 10:03 AM
I'm afraid he no longer exists for me, Kathy.
Trust is a big part of friendship and I don't trust him any more.
Forgive, sure. Forget, no.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 10:10 AM
Actually you are hot, but that is not the point. I have known more than a few cheaters. One woman has always had the next BF before breaking up with the current BF/husband. She has been this way since the mid 80's. I have known a few horn dogs who looked at wife sex as "the fall back position" so to speak. Needless to say, they are single now.
I am betting that Jack thought you were someone he sees a handful of times a year and would be fun. The fact that you and his wife live hundreds of miles a part is a bonus. That and the twenty something server at the hotel already told him he could *** himself.
There must be something in the excitement of getting caught. A few of the cheaters I know have gotten caught. One had the misfortune to be married to a woman who was much better with a golf club than the ex Mrs. Tiger Woods. He ended up in the body shop not his car.
Posted by: Alan P. | October 06, 2011 at 10:14 AM
When we got married, I told Dear Hubby that I could almost understand one of those drunken party one-night-stands. I would give him hell, make his life miserable for a while, but I could get past that. But a long term affair? Not on your fat Aunt Fanny. I will trust you with my life, my body, my heart but if you betray that trust and make a fool out of me...watch out. If you want to have sex (and it is just sex) with many women, don't get married. His father was a serial philanderer who targeted insecure, married women. They had as much to lose as he did. Dear Hubby caught him at it and promised me he would never do that to me. And he hasn't.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | October 06, 2011 at 10:17 AM
I just remembered a joke in one of my older brother's magazines
(a born reader reads everything she finds . . . )
Man in bar goes up to one woman after another, makes a provocative remark, gets slapped, smiles and moves on.
A friend takes him aside, "why do you keep getting yourself slapped?"
"I don't care about the slaps; I only need one 'yes' tonight."
That old "hunter" mentality, taking advantage of every opportunity . . .
The sad thing, though, is that the women won over by these rats so often think something special is occurring when there's nothing special about it. Add to that the increasing danger of STDs and . . . back away from the lech . . . it's almost enough to justify a return to putting A Scarlet Letter on the offender.
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | October 06, 2011 at 10:26 AM
I'm still stuck on the image of sex in a minivan. And in a parking garage? Good grief.
What I want to know is, are there people who get married knowing full well they'll be cheating on their wives/husbands, or do most of them waltz into holy matrimony with the best of intentions, and when the honeymoon is over, figuratively and literally, feel bored and think, "no way am I going the rest of my life without that certain zing feeling" and start in on their new lifestyle? Because I always figured it's the latter but now I wonder if some people are so cynical they know from the moment they say "I do" if not before.
Posted by: Harley | October 06, 2011 at 10:35 AM
" Sure I will meet you in your room, but let me call your wife and ask what she will be wearing so we dont show up in the same outfit."
Posted by: SusanCo | October 06, 2011 at 11:17 AM
"What I want to know is, are there people who get married knowing full well they'll be cheating on their wives/husbands, or do most of them waltz into holy matrimony with the best of intentions, and when the honeymoon is over, figuratively and literally, feel bored and think, "no way am I going the rest of my life without that certain zing feeling" and start in on their new lifestyle?"
To answer your question, Harley, there is that prince of a guy, Charles, and Camilla.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 11:28 AM
It was about him, not you. Cheaters are selfish and don't think beyond themselves.
My sister is getting her second divorce. Both her and the husband have been having long term relationships with other people. Why they are both surpised at the other is mind boggling. They got married after cheating with each other! The saddest part of this is the whole time they've been cheating on each other, they've been making children together. 4 of them!
When the cheaters get caught it's never their fault. There's always a reason. It really affects so many people in the family. I finally get used to having this guy around and now it will be another guy at the holidays. I'm not getting attached anymore. This one was in a relationship with his girlfriend for 9 years. Married her this past April and still kept having an affair with my sister. I don't like him already, and I'm barely speaking to my sister.
I just found out about a week ago, in a tearful phone confession at work. AND she wants me to keep it a secret!
Posted by: Tina | October 06, 2011 at 12:34 PM
and it took Diana's death for Chuck to finally grow a pair and tell his parents to but out of his private life.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | October 06, 2011 at 12:35 PM
Camilla vs. Diana. That should just about end the hot or not discussion.
A friend worked security in a large downtown St. Louis office building. In the garage at work, in a conference room, in my office and in the elevator all get a work out. Just ask the guys who see what the surveillance cameras see. Special award of merit for the couple who chose the center of the Serra Sculpture (http://maps.google.com/maps?q=63101&hl=en&ll=38.627411,-90.195587&spn=0.003112,0.007328&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=36.505383,86.572266&vpsrc=6&hnear=St+Louis,+Missouri+63101&t=h&z=18) Private at street level, not so much from above.
Posted by: Alan P. | October 06, 2011 at 01:14 PM
People who hit on other's spouses are jerks. Why make excuses for them? They don't respect others and they do not take into consideration that people do have loyalty and a commitment that goes very deeply.
The scenario that is played out every day demonstrates how some take their marriage vows. They do not know how to show courtesy and respect IMHO.
Posted by: Marie | October 06, 2011 at 01:29 PM
Oh, Tina. What a mess. Poor you. Sleazy them.
Alan, the Serra Sculpture had other uses besides a trysting place. It was a urinal for the homeless -- which I thought was the perfect comment on its artistic merit.
When I was at the PD, we couldn't criticize the nasty thing in print because it was the pet project of the paper's then owner.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 01:40 PM
Oh, Elaine, my heart sinks, and my stomach, too. You walked off with dignity. Good for you.
Posted by: NancyP | October 06, 2011 at 01:54 PM
Maybe too much scotch? Maybe Jack had too much Daniels that night?
People get married knowing they'll break vows? Mini-vans? Witnessed a lot of Office Romances, never saw one work out. Never saw both parties keep their job, either. One or the other usually left. Worst I ever saw was a heartfelt, broken-hearted e-mail, accidentally sent company wide.
As one of TLC's Resident Philosopher's, Spike, once said, "Love's a *funny* thing."
Posted by: William | October 06, 2011 at 02:10 PM
Since the seventies, and the scam that was called "open marriage," folks have found a way to justify their desires which just won't behave. Sex and adultery have a charge of adventure, and cynicism that that often overcomes the work and commitment that a good marriage takes. Too often, friendships are lost, and, for me there is a queasy feeling. Often I was blamed for being "old fashioned." I have little patience for this kind of behavior. I guess I am old fashioned, too bad.
Posted by: lil Gluckstern | October 06, 2011 at 02:22 PM
When I was a kid my mother worked at an insurance company, in an office full of philanderers. Then when I was a waitress at the local diner (senior year in high school), nearly all of the other waitresses were screwing around. Since I was the youngest in the restaurant, I was often asked to babysit while the older girls, whose husbands seemed to all work third shift, went out drinking.
All of this behavior, mind you, was in stark contrast to my extremely Catholic family on my mother's side. My three uncles were notorious horndogs (between the three of them they were married eight times), but all five of my mom's sisters were pure as the driven snow. It was a strange childhood.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | October 06, 2011 at 02:27 PM
Karen, an otherwise sensible woman told me "it was nature of man to stray." Man. Not woman. I wondered why such a smart woman believed that baloney. Her husband must have done a real selling job.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 02:47 PM
I was at a literary conference once and met a man who is well-known in certain circles for his professional accomplishments. He was much older than me and very friendly in what I thought was an avuncular way. I was a recently single woman with two children. We shared a common literary interest and exchanged email addresses. A few weeks after the conference he emailed me to tell me he was coming into town and would I show him around. I thought nothing of it and agreed. We did some sightseeing and he wanted to take me out to dinner to thank me. First off, he ordered champagne...and a warning light went off in my head. During the course of the dinner he proceeded to tell me that: His wife was mentally ill; he had a LOT of money; he could travel to my area frequently; and he had Viagra. I was shocked, stunned, and deeply insulted, but I said nothing, other than I needed to get home to my children. I drove him back to his hotel, shaking with fury, but keeping silent (why do we do that??). He had some books he'd brought for me and wanted me "to come up to his room while he signed them." No way. I insisted I would wait in the lobby--I should have just left, but I don't know why I didn't. He returned with the books and we said our goodbyes--I stuck my hand out to shake his. He looked confused, the sorry bastard. I found out later that his wife is not mentally ill (surprise) and that he travels with "companions." EW EW EW. People who don't know him have great respect for him. I just get indigestion.
Posted by: Jacquelynn Morris | October 06, 2011 at 03:14 PM
Perhaps Jack asked knowing Elaine would give him an emphatic "no way". He may never have considered it would cost him a dear friendship.
Posted by: Molly | October 06, 2011 at 03:20 PM
Back when I was married, one of my ex's best friends hit on me in a very obvious manner. When I said, NO, I am married to your friend. His response was, if you don't tell him, I won't either. EWWWWW. He continued to leer and wink at me whenever we were around him. Always made me feel like going home and having a shower or two.
Posted by: gaylin in Vancouver | October 06, 2011 at 03:59 PM
I totally feel your disappointment in your friend, Elaine.
When I was in my mid-teens, I babysat a lot for one of my older sisters, and basically hung around with her, her husband, and his friends and their wives. (They were only a couple of years older than I was, and I'd known them a long time.)The only guy among them who didn't hit on me was my brother-in-law, probably because he was already having an affair with someone else. It made me pretty wary of being friends with married guys for awhile. Ick!
More recently, my husband's brother felt his wife didn't understand him, so he had an affair, moved in with his lady friend (now his wife) and bought a Corvette. After about 10 years, he's still trying to win back the trust of his younger daughter.
What I don't understand is that adulterers are not potentially affecting their marriage, but they're endangering their relationships with their children. Selfish, selfish, selfish!
You did the right thing, Elaine!
Posted by: Becky Hutchison | October 06, 2011 at 04:16 PM
Elaine: about that woman who said that it's the "nature of man to stray" - that is so sick, not to mention sad. Would you believe that I know a woman who says the same thing? She also says that it's
"understandable" for a husband to leave an ailing wife, but if a woman leaves an ailing husband, then that woman is a selfish bitch! I was flabbergasted!
Posted by: Deb | October 06, 2011 at 04:19 PM
Ew, ew, ew, Gaylin and Jacquelynn. Your lovely husband, Lady J, is your reward for surviving the jerks.
Deb, I never understand women who adhere to the double standard. Don't they know it can (will) happen to them?
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 04:46 PM
I just remembered! Actually it was Karen and the diner that reminded me. The joke around one Domino's was that Doug's kid was going to be named Dart. Doug (living with and soon to marry mom), Alejandro (his regular closing driver), Robere (another driver), Tom (Doug's brother). It seems several men made sure _____ was not lonely while Doug worked late.
Posted by: Alan P. | October 06, 2011 at 04:49 PM
It is a scumbag move. It is SO insulting because it says what they think of you--that you are a cheater, that they think you will lie and sneak and cheat.
NO ONE ever hits on me. Except Cornelia, of course. But that was just our way of being polite.
I am weird looking and spastic, which helps.
Try making googly-loon eyes and waving your hands around more when you talk. Knock drinks over. Trip over dust motes. People will be nice to you, but NO ONE will flirt with you. It's delightful.
Posted by: Joshilyn Jackson | October 06, 2011 at 04:49 PM
Totally off topic-have any of you heard about the squirrels invading the St. Louis Cardinals' ball park?
I thought it was funny, given the recent blog. I can just imagine what their dinners look like.
Posted by: lil Gluckstern | October 06, 2011 at 04:56 PM
So sorry it happened to you, Elaine, that sucks. I've been having this conversation a lot with women friends since the last - well, you know, gathering. There's always one or two dog men at every conference, but they're so talked about by the other women authors that I feel like I know who to avoid.
But this year suddenly a lot of married men seemed to be forgetting they were married. And I don't mean just flirting, which I agree with Miss Manners about: "Flirting is what adults do because it's not practical or desirable to sleep with everyone one is attracted to."
I wonder if the increased doggishness has to do with the economy?
Posted by: Alexandra Sokoloff | October 06, 2011 at 05:10 PM
No, Alex, I think cheating is as old as monogamy. The economy might be a handy excuse, but it's not the actual reason.
My first husband cheated on me with a cheater. No surprise that she cheated on him. If it hadn't made our daughter feel so bad I would have gloated about it, but she was ripped apart.
Elaine, women cheat, too. Who knows what kind of lie your friend was telling herself. But that kind of thinking, and that "it's okay to leave an ailing wife", is why Newt Gingrich thinks he can run for president and his past won't matter. I have news for him: women are not going to vote for him. We know what kind of sorry jerk he really is.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | October 06, 2011 at 05:59 PM
Or the presence of hotel rooms that are already paid for, Alex.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 06:01 PM
Women certainly cheat,Karen. It takes too.
Florida has a fine collection of pool boys who do a lot of inside work.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 06:53 PM
GACK! I mean "it takes two."
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 06:54 PM
I was more than a little stunned, about twenty years ago, when a male co-worker told me in all seriousness that marriage was really important because it meant that men could keep track of their women, because if women were just left to their freedom and their own choices, they'd constantly be having wild sex with anyone they felt like tackling, and society would fall apart.
Projecting, ever?
Posted by: Laraine | October 06, 2011 at 09:07 PM
Hm. Marriage as a cure for wild sex. Interesting theory. Says a lot about him, Laraine. How did you keep a straight face?
Posted by: Elaine Viets | October 06, 2011 at 10:18 PM
I hate when that happens. So crushingly disappointing. Ruins good friendships while making me doubt myself.
Posted by: Reine | October 07, 2011 at 01:34 AM