Change in Fortune
By Elaine Viets
I don’t believe fortune cookies. I know they have nothing to do with luck.
Besides, they’re about as Chinese as I am.
The best guess is that fortune cookies are Japanese and were first made in San Francisco.
The Japanese senbei were made with miso and sesame rather than the fortune cookie’s vanilla and butter.
Fortune cookies are "introduced by the Japanese, popularized by the Chinese and consumed by Americans."
Americans had to open the first fortune cookie factory in China by Wonton Food of Brooklyn. Alas, the business quickly crumbled. Wonton’s vice president said, "It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it just didn’t pan out. Fortune cookies are too American."
Back in Brooklyn, Wonton makes 4.5 million fortune cookies a day, mostly for Americans. So why do I always get dull, earnest fortunes?
No mysterious strangers or unexpected riches await me. I am exhorted to keep plodding.
Here’s what I mean: "Luck happens when hard work meets opportunity."
If fortune cookies came in flavors, mine would be oatmeal-raisin with lots of fiber. Moral fiber.
This cookie urged me to be a good sport: "Your smile is a curve that can get a lot of things straight."
This fortune patted me on the head like a faithful, slightly stupid pet: "Everyone around you is rooting for you. Don’t give up."
Another cookie seemed to blame me if things weren’t going my way: "Today, opportunities will present, if you’re keen enough to see them."
And if you don’t see them, you blind twit, you’ll be chomping the cheap half-order of chicken with vegetables for the rest of your days.
A friend told me about the fortune cookie game, where you add "in bed" to your fortune. Even that was discouraging:
"Never give up – in bed" seemed rather desperate.
But recently, my fortune cookies took a turn for the better. Now they no longer tell me to work hard and wait. They promise adventure.
"Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid," said one.
It worked, too. I carried a forbidden third item right past the nose of the gate agent on a recent flight, and a handsome stranger helped jam my suitcase into the overhead compartment.
My next fortune was even better: "May successes will accompany you this year," it said.
That’s when I found out "Murder Between the Covers," my second Dead-End Job Mystery, was named one of the 100 Best Mysteries of All Time. Check out the list here. http://tinyurl.com/3rpok9h.
Encouraged by this good news, I ordered more Chinese takeout. This time, my fortune said, "Your wisdom will influence others."
I’m sure that’s why you’re reading this blog.
I've always wanted to write rude fortune cookie fortunes. Stuff like...
"Rmember to tip your server, you cheap bastard!"
"Those pants? They make your ass look HUGE!"
"Eat the damned cookie, pay your bill and get the fuck out!
"Holy crap! Do you always eat that much?"
"Confucius say: Your date isn't going to put out, so it's Wanking Time again"
"You should go on a long journey and not come back...ever."
"I'm sorry, I've got nothin' for a loser like you."
"That broccoli beef you just ate? It's name was Spot. The beef, not the broccoli."
I like to think that folks would appreciate the change from those dull fortunes.
Posted by: Doc In CA | August 21, 2011 at 12:36 AM
Ah, Elaine, congratulations!! Top 100 -- I'd put you in the top 10 -- which actually, you must be, because the link goes to a list of #89-100 only, and no one I recognize, so you are by far the winner.
Your shared wisdom may be just the reading I need to banish Mermaid and Blackbeard nightmares. Yes, finally saw Pirates 4 . . . at the 9:15 $1 show with family. Actually, I almost didn't get in, as they were sold out. When I asked if I could go in to see if my family made it, the young lady said that if they were already in to come back and she'd sell me a ticket. The two older great nephews went back with me as "proof" (as if I needed it), but I did make sure the cute clerk noticed the cute nephews . . . matchmaking must be an aunt thing -- so is job recommending, I guess, as the niece now has a job with the Y. Life is so good. Signing off before I doze on the keyboard.
. . . now I crave fortune cookies.
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | August 21, 2011 at 01:38 AM
Elaine, I liked the second to last paragraph, with the addition.
>Encouraged by this good news, I ordered more Chinese takeout. This time, my fortune said, "Your wisdom will influence others IN BED."
30 years ago I used to make fortune cookies to take to potlucks, they were always a big hit since I used to write the fortunes, wish I could remember some of them.
Posted by: gaylin in Vancouver | August 21, 2011 at 02:31 AM
Good one Elaine!
In 1992 I had the only specific fortune cookie ever. I was headed to graduate school when I became very sick and was diagnosed with metastasized ovarian cancer. You can probably guess that the doctors at Mercy Hospital in Bakersfield, CA were wrong, because I am still here writing this.
I had to go without eating from Friday night until my surgery on Wednesday morning. And a few days afterward of course. Step took me out for Chinese food on Friday. We were both kind of a wreck, but we played out our Chinese food-eating rituals.
I made some wisecrack about what useful advice the fortune would have for me. We laughed, and then I read it out loud . . . "Wednesday is your lucky day!"
Posted by: Reine | August 21, 2011 at 06:16 AM
PS: All the positive lab results I'd had were a string of errors and misinterpretations starting with a high CA125, a positive hemoccult, infarct, cysts, about three other nasty things, and ending with a huge lie from the surgeon who told me he'd caught it so early it didn't even show up in the biopsy. Right.
Posted by: Reine | August 21, 2011 at 06:25 AM
The last fortune out of a cookie that I read said "Please disregard all previous fortunes".
Posted by: Judith Bandsma | August 21, 2011 at 07:25 AM
Congratulations, Elaine!
My favorite fortune: "You like Chinese food."
We have it posted on the refrigerator.
Posted by: Ramona | August 21, 2011 at 07:48 AM
YEA ELAINE!!!
My last fortune read, "You are a source of wisdom and strength to many people."
IN BED.
Posted by: Cornelia Read | August 21, 2011 at 07:58 AM
Very cool! Of course, you rank much higher on my list!
Posted by: Kathy Reschini Sweeney | August 21, 2011 at 08:36 AM
I dunno, I kinda like your ""Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid . . . in bed" fortune, Elaine.
My 11-year old and I have long complained about the Fortunes That Aren't Really Fortunes. They're like life advice from a cranky great aunt.
But your good news? That is unambiguously good news. Kudos to you!
Posted by: Harley | August 21, 2011 at 09:26 AM
"Act boldly and unseen forces will come to your aid . . . in bed."
Uh, Harley, after 40 years of marriage, I'd better stick with familiar forces . . . in bed.
Doc, you can write my fortune cookies any time.
Reine, so glad those crepe-hangers were wrong.
It's only 9:37 ET, and already TLC has made me laugh.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 21, 2011 at 09:37 AM
I've got several fortunes taped up over my desk. One of my favorites from a few years ago: "You are a lover of words. Someday you will write a book."
Posted by: JD Rhoades | August 21, 2011 at 10:42 AM
Congrats on the top 100! Sounds as if the "luck happens when hard work meets opportunity" hit the nail on the head!
Molly
Posted by: Molly Weston | August 21, 2011 at 11:16 AM
In the original concept for THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E., written by Ian Fleming himself, the female agent was to be named "Cookie Fortune". Some things are best left alone.....
Congratulations on making the list, Elaine! Quite an honor...:)
Posted by: William | August 21, 2011 at 11:19 AM
Woohoo, Elaine! Of all the books, on all the bookshelves... Way cool.
I'm so depressed now. All these years I thought there was something behind those fortunes. On the other hand, now I can quit pretending to like the insipid cookies.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | August 21, 2011 at 11:27 AM
I, too, wish more fortune cookies gave actual fortunes. I once got one. It said that I soon would inherit a large fortune. That was several years ago, and I'm still waiting. I wonder how that cookie defined soon.
Posted by: Barb Goffman | August 21, 2011 at 11:36 AM
Do horoscopes count? Ever since I read this one a couple of weeks ago, the book has finally started to come together: "Climb into a cradle of creativity and you can rock all weekend long."
Posted by: Margaret Maron | August 21, 2011 at 11:53 AM
Thanks, Molly and Simon.
Barb, "soon: is relative. Got any rich, old relatives?
Margaret, horoscopes count as much as fortune cookies. Glad the book is rocking.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 21, 2011 at 11:57 AM
Yay, Elaine!!! That's lovely!
Doc, I love your list. Hilarious.
I am so disappointed in modern fortune cookies! The MOST boring messages. They need Doc.
Messages I want to see:
You will finish your book on time. This time.
Deadlines are for losers.
Those extra pounds look really good on you.
Posted by: Nancy Pickard | August 21, 2011 at 12:07 PM
JD, I have that same fortune tucked away in a jewelry box. Seems it takes more than a fortune cookie to accomplish things, though. Here are some other favorites:
The best "...in bed" fortune:
You are original and creative. (I got this fortune the first time I played the "in bed" game. It was in a college fraternity house when I was 18. My face nearly burned off.)
In the "words to live by" category:
Nothing in the world is accomplished without passion.
The smart thing to do is to begin trusting your intuitions.
To get respect from others, one must first give respect to others.
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Try not to stand on your own side during an argument.
Then there are the vague fortunes that sounded good but never really materialized:
Luck will visit you on the next new moon.
One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes.
And "words of comfort":
Your blessing is no more than being safe and sound for the whole lifetime.
The worst fortunes ever were received by my cousin and me a few weeks ago. She had flown back to Wisconsin from Washington to be with our aunt who was succumbing to cancer. My cousin's fortune said something about taking time off and enjoying a vacation. Mine said something about witnessing a miracle. Our aunt passed away a few days later.
Posted by: Sandi | August 21, 2011 at 12:08 PM
I like your fortunes, Nancy. Any chance they'll come true? My deadline is Sept. 7.
Those were the worst fortunes, Sandi. And the worst timing. Speaking of timing,if you got that "in bed" fortune now, you'd probably laugh.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 21, 2011 at 12:29 PM
Sandi, those sound like fortunes from Opposite Land. They could not have gotten it more wrong, could they?
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | August 21, 2011 at 12:39 PM
Yep, opposites and and bad timing all around. Although I agree, Elaine, I'd definitely laugh at the "in bed" fortune now!
Posted by: Sandi | August 21, 2011 at 03:00 PM
On the receipt of my license to practice Traditional Chinese Medicine, some dear friends took me to our favorite Chinese restaurant. My cookie offered a fortune that I promptly framed: "All your hard work will finally pay off." Such exciting news!
Of course, thirteen & 1/2 years later, my accountant and the student loan people would still argue that point, but one can always hope. At least my patients seem to have been profiting. I think that the little framed fortune has fallen behind the filing cabinet, perhaps pushed by the cleaning crew who know better.
Posted by: Laraine | August 21, 2011 at 03:01 PM
Ah,but think of all the people you've helped, Laraine.
Maybe "Luck will visit you on the next new moon."
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 21, 2011 at 03:04 PM
As I obsessed over a scheduled breast biopsy (benign), I saw a car at my Schnuck's store (only time I ever saw it) with a vanity plate UR OK
Off topic -- re your chocolate survey, next time in St. Louis, look for
http://www.kakaochocolate.com/VisitKakao.aspx
They make and excellent dark chocolate with ginger
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | August 21, 2011 at 04:35 PM
You must check out Cookie Misfortune Evil Fortune Cookies.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/wacky-edibles/df55/
A few gems from our cute little Chinese take-out box:
Your presence inspires indifference.
Fail.
You're OK with all of this because you're lying to yourself.
Your greatest effort will never be more than mediocre.
And congrats! That's pretty darn cool!
Posted by: Amy | August 21, 2011 at 06:05 PM
Ahhh, Elaine, from your lips to the ears of whoever controls 'pay off' rewards!
Posted by: Laraine | August 21, 2011 at 07:12 PM
Fortune Cookies accuracy or not, Elaine, it is just darned wonderful that your excellent book is receiving this recognition! Second helpings, please!
Let's see, a few fortune cookie inserts for those with whom I most vehemently disagree:
Your condescending and insulting attitude is withering [in bed].
Being two-faced means that you'll meet the worst side of yourself [in bed].
Speaking the truth would be a wiser strategy to achieve good [in bed].
OK, I actually don't think any cookie company would hire me based on these preliminary efforts, LOL.
Posted by: Laraine | August 21, 2011 at 07:18 PM
P.S. From yesterday's blog: do get well fast, Cornelia! For those who must move house, if there's still a Barnes and Noble nearby, they have FANTASTIC boxes and will gladly save some for you. They're sturdy and perfect for, um, well, BOOKS, of which I'm sure you have at least one or two. Also, not so large that you kill your back or that of your friend, by overloading the box.
Posted by: Laraine | August 21, 2011 at 07:31 PM
Well done, Laraine -- in bed.
Mary, Kakao is mentioned in my next Josie book.
And backbloggers, once again, you've entertained me on TLC.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | August 21, 2011 at 08:00 PM
Why is Cheap Custom Jerseys stealing my words? If only for that, I will never buy their products!
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | August 21, 2011 at 11:31 PM
My favorite fortune from years ago, which I did keep pinned to a bulletin board until it basically disintegrated:
"Never look a gifted horse in the mouth."
Posted by: Cyranetta | August 23, 2011 at 03:16 PM