Yes, Virginia, We WERE Actually Working. Mostly.

 

 

As we type this, we being Karen Abbott, Sara Gruen and Joshilyn Jackson, we are way high up alone in a mountain cabin in North Carolina, waiting for the registered sex offender named Stan who brought our pizza to come back and murder us in our beds. We didn’t think we would need him to; we were fully expecting to be mauled to death by bears days ago.

 The bears apparently wanted Stan to have a nice night before his eventual consecutive life terms, so they let us be. You can tell a registered sex offender has brought your pizza when he marches in into the house and then stands there for a good ten minutes, flipping casually through an enormous wad of five dollar bills, giving each individual breast in the room the rolling crazy-eye in leering turn, all the while telling in great detail about the time he was a Navy Seal and killed really, no really, just big old boat-loads of people.

Note to Stan: REAL Seals don’t explicate their super-secret missions in gory detail. Further note to Stan: Our pizza was dead cold by the time we gently shepherded Your Craziness out of the house. Last note to Stan: We tipped the crap out of you ANYWAY, in the hopes that you would not kill us, so maybe the whole Seal thing IS kinda working for you, on one level.

After Stan left, we kept looking at each other and repeating his bloodiest lines and saying, “That’s not scary,” in high pitched, terrified voices. Finally we sat down to write this blog entry in the hopes of not thinking about the shining gloss of loon-spittle on his flappitty lips.

Since this is the last thing the three of us can reasonably be expected to write, (Although, in 2/3rds of a brightsiding digression, we should mention Karen has the bed on the main floor. Sara in her basement hidey-hole and Joshilyn, tucked up safe in the loft bed, may well be fine!) we wanted to go ahead and put down for posterity the words that have made it into the lexicon over the course of this writing retreat.

You remember the Lexicon, right? Joshilyn wrote a post about the Lexicon right here on Lipstick Chronicles. It is a list of terms that are shorthand for larger situations/ideas/concepts that come out of your posse’s communal history. The backbloggers shared many of their own posse’s terms ---worth a click for the comments ALONE if you missed that one! Here are our new Lexicon words:

PORN MOOSE --- (Proper Noun) Pictured here from behind and at the top, perched on some of our books. Porn Moose indicates the Holy Grail of tchotchke. Double Porn Moose-osity if it has a practical function. Our Porn Moose, for example, cradled Sara’s usually oft missing glasses against his hopefully uplifted buttocks. She never lost them once. In more general terms, a Porn Moose is a thing YOU WANT SO BADLY AND CAN SEE, but can never have. In some ways, Johnny Depp is a Porn Moose. *ahem* In the specific, he was the thing we most want to steal from our rent-a-cabin.

PROCRASTERBATION ---(noun, verb: to Procrasterbate) The act avoiding writing via any self indulgent activity, including but not limited to: googling high school boyfriends, playing online Mahjong, Trying to decide if that’s actually naked Blake Lively on The Superficial, doing 15 versions of everyone’s natal charts with speculated birth-times after ones parents have helpfully said things like “As I recall, you were born in the evening. Well, evening-ish.”

Noga –(Interjection) The non-affirmative answer to an offer to work out. Here it is being used correctly in a sample dialog. Karen and Joshilyn, in hopeful voices: Yoga? Sara: Noga. Noga can also be used to refuse walks, runs, lunges, push-ups, showers, putting on real pants, or any physical exertion greater than that required by reaching for a crisp glass of pinot gris. (Sara: IN MY DEFENCE I DID DO THE DAMN YOGA. Karen and Joshilyn: Once.) Downward Facing Porn Moose – (Noun) Any advanced yoga position that people who might be doing yoga for the first time attempt, not that we’re judging, and then they say very very bad words.

Gamus Interruptus: (noun) The inability of the three of us to finish any kind of competitive game, ever, including, but not limited to: pool, Texas hold em, trivia, online mahjong. Because the second Karen Abbot or Joshilyn Jackson begin to suspect they might lose, they call the game invalid for some dumbass reason (usually spurious accusations of cheating or chip mixing or card dropping or ball moving or bad winds or hurt feelings or cruel fates or lapses of attention leading to game error or rule adding), and demand that the whole shebang restart while Sara backs away slowly from the table saying in a tiny hopeful, voice, “But games are FUN. Can’t you two set down the knives so maybe we can finish just one game? Of anything? Once?”

Answer: No.

That’s actually a lot of lexicon entrees for a single week, so you know the retreat was fruitful. Sara is arguing for Porn Moosing as a verb/adverb and possibly gerund by shoe horning into every other thing she says, i.e., “Pass the porn moosing salt, please!” but Karen and Joshilyn are not quite convinced it has enough real world practical applications. Right now it mostly seems to mean to search the internet for an exact Porn Moose replica that WOULD be the trophy for the winner if we ever finished a single damn game.

Addendum: The cabin’s owner KINDLY GIFTED US with Porn Moose; he was awarded first to Sara for coming closest to winning a game. Not that we finished one. But she had the most poker chips when we gave up in despair. Karen and Joshilyn will re-challenge and try to get him back on our next retreat, in August.

Comments

[William]

A former SEAL turned serial killer turned pizza delivery guy.... there's a book in that....:)

[Reine]

Okay, I'm sitting here reading about your serial killer pizza delivery guy with "loon-spittle on his flappitty lips" while someone is walking across my roof and peering in the skylite. Even my my cats, Buffalo and She-She Marie-Rie are telling me there's someone up there. Now I can't tell the difference between the blood pounding in my ears and footsteps.

I must be wrong, I think, because why would a serial killer walk on my roof? After all the last serial killer who tried to get in my house tried the front door to see if it was open. I saw the knob move. Then he walked around to the back door to see if it was open. He put his muddy boot on the pane of glass by the door knob, when Buffalo our 22lb. Maine Coon Cat stuck his head under the shade and scared him away. I know you think I'm joking, but I'm not. When I woke up the next day I learned that he'd jumped the wall behind our house and killed my friend, Betty.

Somehow I know that the chances of there being another serial killer in my yard are fairly slim, but I trust my cats. Heh. If it's a mountain lion or a jaguar, I'll be happy . . . I think.

When Buffalo and She-She Marie-Rie decided it was safe to sleep, I relaxed a little. I thought I could sit here and read an interesting and funny TLC blog and get my mind off serial killers.

Everywhere I live I seem to move to serial-killer hunting grounds. I lived in Los Feliz near the Labiancas when they were killed. I moved up north to China Lake, and Manson and company were arrested in nearby Panamint Valley. I lived in . . . when . . . maybe they're just everywhere.

I had a Porn Moose once. Only I called him Separation Moose, because Steppy was still in California during my first year of grad school in Boston. Separation Moose wasn't as well-balanced as your Porn Moose. I kept him on my desk, which he bonked regularly. One night he fell over and broke a major piece off. I glued it back on, but it slid around until it was just hanging there. I tried again, but he bonked the desk one too many times and shattered the damn thing. It was just too sad to see him sans piece, so I tucked him in a drawer. I thought I might take a pottery class (yeah) and maybe give him a prosthesis. I haven't seen him since, though. I think somebody borrowed him for show-and-tell at morning worship. I don't know. I was banned from chapel after hiding doughnuts on the communion tray when I was sacristan. My friend Marie, who helped with the doughnuts but did not get caught - cuz she's so perfect - wouldn't tell me. Now she's my minister and doesn't trust me with anything!

[Alan P.]

Hey now! I resemble Stan (no loon spittle)! And yes, I check out the various babes at the door. I do try to stop before reaching the felony level. In my defense, you were wearing just your bathrobe when you called. But, please, be over 18 before flashing the pizza driver. We did have a driver flashed at the door one night. He was all smiles until another driver pointed out that said hottie was a member of the L____ Jr. High School Soccer Team.

We also did discover that a driver was a registered sex offender. Once the manager started breathing again, he waited for Mr. Perv to be five minutes late. Awww, fired for tardiness. Mr. Perv preferred young boys to hot mommies anyhow, at least according to his rap sheet.

I did check the delivery area against the sex offender registry. Apparently St. Louis Community College has a program for parolees. Quite a few offenders list the campus as there school address.

[Joshilyn Jackson]

Reine I am desperate to know WHAT the ceramic porn moose you had WAS -- I mean, what was its actual purpose? Because ours mystifies us.

Alan, I am at an age where I find a little leer to be reassuring LOL, but a line was SUPER CRAZY crossed when Stan WALKED past us inside and STAYYYYYYED. HEH.

[Karen in Ohio]

In Ohio, the "sex offender" designation loses its meaning when people who have public urination charges make the list. In Paris that would be perfectly normal. And expected.

Sara, I just finished reading "Ape House". Well done. I love how deep you go into your subject matter, and this was no exception!

Sadly, I'm all to familiar with procrasterbation; TLC is my main outlet for that.

[Em]

At the risk of casting a pervy shadow over myself, don't some "adult" movies have the premise of a pizza delivery guy and a house full of ladies? I mean, not that I would know such things ::ahem::. It seems to be the direction of most parodies though. Anyhow, maybe Stan Stan the rapist man saw the house full of hot chicks and the porn moose and figured you ladies were down. Throw in fantasy pants I think you all have the makings of a Dear Penthouse letter with speckles of pizza sauce and spittle sprinkled across it.

In other commenting news: Douche cue has made it into my husband's and my lexicon. So thanks for that. :-)

[Harley]

Are you sure none of us can have Johnny Depp? This comes as sad and shocking news, esp. as William just broke the news that Blond Bond got married this weekend, and it wasn't to me. Or Ramona.

[DebR]

I am the QUEEN of Procrasterbation! That is my new very most favorite Lexicon word. Melotional will now have to sadly settle for second place.

[Harley]

And I just want to keep on rereading this blog and recommenting, in a case of Perpetual Procrasterbation.There is just too much good stuff going on here.

[Jessica]

I'm thinking Stan saw a house with three ladies in it and thought, "Wow, I'm glad now I saw that movie about the pizza delivery guy and those three ladies and decided to go into pizza delivery as a career option. Now maybe I can break into the movies, too!"

Little did he know that you guys aren't in those movies, but you do write books. I wonder if Stan the Offender Man will show up one of these days...

[Karen Abbott]

DebR, I'm going to have to borrow "melotional!"

[marie]

Put me in the never wins a game except for the unforgettable Cribbage game of 1963 where I beat my soon to be groom.
Lexicons..Mediarama..all things media.

[Swamp Willow]

I wanted this to be funny...but as my stepsons were molested by a 'real' sex offender, I wasn't able to laugh. It made me sad. I know that wasn't your intent, but 'my' boys had to live with a sex offender for three years before we found out about him. They lived in another state with their mother, where sex offenders can live with children who aren't their own. And we couldn't imagine a mother choosing to marry a sex offender and bringing him home to her kids. They've been through years of therapy, and will always be affected by what happened to them.

There is nothing funny about a sex offender. But by your post I would guess that none of you have ever had to be affected by this particular tragedy. You don't know how blessed you are.

[Sandra Leigh]

I took your advice and went back to read the comments on the original Lexicon post. So -- speaking of "real world practical applications", I'm still clutching my stomach, breaking into guffaws when I try to think of real world practical applications for "flonk".

[Fellow Fantasy Pants-Wearer]

I won Porn Moose fair and square in the ONLY game we ever finished, on the last night! And I will have him forever because we will never finish another game of anything, ever! So there.

[Joshilyn Jackson]

NO YOU DID NOT. We did not finish. I went out and you and Karen stopped playing and you had more chips than her. So.

The only person who ACTUALLY won a game all retreat was...KAREN! But we did nto know she had won it... I asked Scott. When she bounced off the 2 and knocked the 9 ball in, SHE WON THAT GAME.

HA!

[jessica handler]

I will incorporate downward facing porn moose into my daily practice.

[Joshilyn Jackson]

Swamp Willow---I am sorry this happened. That's a tragedy. There is nothing funny about kids getting molested.

[Doc In CA]

I really don't think you ladies need to worry about Stan or the bears killing you. I'm sure the cannibal hillbillies or the newly risen dead will get to you first.

[Debby]

These new lexicons are definitely making me laugh. That porn moose is...ummm.. interesting? LOL!

Sara ~ read and absolutely loved Ape House last week. I did a goodreads and B&N review on it while I was at it, too. What's on the horizon?

[Chery Kendrick]

too funny! love it- PROCRASTERBATION - guilty - thanks for a wonderfully vibrant lexicon :>

[Nancy Pickard]

Oh, you guys had so much fun!! Thanks for giving us a glimpse of the hilarity and sisterhappinesshood. I do notice you didn't give us an actual writing progress report. Forget I even said that. But you did think you'd distract us with Porn Moose, didn't you?

[Lora in Florida]

I have a new lexicon that my little one introduced not too long ago that goes along with your games. You weren't 'playing against " each other, you were "versing" each other! You know, Karen" verses" Joshilyn "verses" Sara. I get how we got the word, just not how it became a verb. Oh well. :)

[Lynn P.]

Stan had to go undercover as a pizza delivery man because he is the Seal who killed Bin Ladin. That's what he told me.

[Joshilyn Jackson]

Doc HA! Tru Fax.

Nancy, we do these retreats 2 or 3 times a year and it is when all three of us get our best most efficient work done. FOR REALS.

Whyen we arrive we open a bottle of wine and tell each other our GOALS for the next day. We have to approve each other's goals as lofy and ambitious enough.Then in the morning, no one is allowed to play or have ANY fun until they meet their goal they set the night before.

It might be a word count, or less concrete goal like "draft chapter 4" or a multi parted mess of small goals like "get scene 7 working, figure out why dave hates lisa, draft scene 12."

Then when all of us are done it is usually dinner time...we meet and read bits to each other and discuss the days challenges.

THEN we play. :)

[Becky Hutchison]

You guys are such an inspiration for a writing retreat. That all of you survived and actually were productive is amazing, especially after your encounter with Stan the man!

[Fellow Fantasy Pants-Wearer]

I DID TOO. I WON AT POOL.

[Fellow Fantasy Pants-Wearer]

I won the SECOND game. The FINAL game. And that is why Porn Moose is in my office. Heh.

[Karen Abbott]

I do not recall you winning at pool, Ms. Fantasy Pants-Wearer! Is this wishful, porn-moosing thinking? It CANNOT be that I am a sore loser...

[Fellow Fantasy Pants-Wearer]

SEE?? Porn-moosing IS a verb/adverb.

Love,

The Winner

[Joshilyn Jackson]

No you got Porn Moose over poker. You did NOT win at pool because we had the rules of SCRATCH WRONG and gave up. Also the game you kinda won Karen already won by winning.

Porn Moose was for poker.

[Fellow Fantasy Pants-Wearer]

Karen in Ohio and Doc--thank you!!

[Fellow Fantasy Pants-Wearer]

Hrrmph. Well, okay then. I will comfort myself by going upstairs and visiting Porn Moose, who is in my office.

[Laraine]

Swamp Willow, your assumption that no one who is laughing today has ever been affected by child sexual abuse or other forms of abuse is, unfortunately, an untrue assumption. Probably a conservative estimate is that one in four of those reading today has experienced abuse themselves or of a sibling, parent or child.

But, not to be callous or offensive, healing is possible and perspective does return at some point, and life is full of many wonderful and amusing possibilities, including sharing in silliness. Do not label everyone who can be silly as unthinking or uncaring.

[Reine]

Sorry I'm so late getting back to you about Separation Moose! He came from Manitoba, as a visiting piece of kitsch. He was hand made and fired, but not glazed, with natural clays. His first owner knit a little red stocking cap for him, with loops that fixed about his antlers, allowing the cap to stay on his head even while he bonked. I think I was his third "owner." The traditition was to pass him along as needed, but as I said he disappeared. If I ever find him, I'll pass him along to you, so he wil have a proper mate in Porn Moose.

[Reine]

Swamp Willow, you are hurting. But you are incorrect in your assumption about the way people deal with trauma. I was sexually abused my my father. I live in fear of the serial killer who stalked me and my friend - and killed her - even though he is in prison without possibility of parole. The Lipstick Chronicles and posts like today's help me deal. Best wishes in your healing, for your children and you.

[Joshilyn Jackson]

Dear Reine and Laraine...

Amen.

Amen amen amen.

Joss

[Storyteller Mary]

. . . and the caring and humor and healing are exactly why I love our TLC'ers so much!

Thanks for the laughs and the good retreat ideas. I have storytelling friends who do similar retreats at a house on the Ohio River, to get work going on big projects. I did the planning for my first CD on one of those weekends . . .

[Kim]

I am totally using procrasturbation as an excuse from now on! What a perfect descriptive.

[Kristen De Haan]

I would have to defer to Joshilyn about whether or not porn moose could be a gerund as I hold her up as THE knower of all things gerundial. That said, I really do like Sara's "Pass the Porn Moosing salt!"