Til Two Years Do Us Part

By Nancy Pickard

"Newlyweds become oldyweds, and oldyweds are the reasons that families work."  ~Author Unknown

 My 14-year marriage notwithstanding, in romantic relationships I was only good for about two years, tops.   So I'm REELY interested in long-running ones.  I poke and prod them--ouch! tickle! Stop that!--to see how they tick, how two people keep themselves awake and paying attention to each other for all those years.  HONEY, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

Almost all of my closest friends have really really long and solid marriages.  I'm thinking of Karen & David, Sally & Don,  Margaret & Joe, Sue and Newell, Linda and Andy, Judy & Bob, Cathy & Rick, Mary & Phyllis, and John & Frank.  Which means that when I go out with them--and they are all incredibly nice about including me--I'm the only child in the back seat again.  We joke about it.  I call them Mom and Dad, and it's only my advanced age and extreme maturity (hahaha) that keeps me from kicking the backs of their seats and whining, "Are we there yet?"   I see them frequently--or at least the ones in town.  They're so generous, inviting me to dinner, including me in their family stuff.  I'm really grateful to them.  But, I confess, their marriages intrigue the heck out of me and make me wonder what is the matter with me that I could never do it. 

     "A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time."  ~Anne Taylor Fleming

 I think marriage is a talent I wasn't born with and never developed, you know?  It's not that I'm not a thoughtful roommate; I'm pretty sure I am.  I try to be.  And it's not that I'm not affectionate and supportive, and all that.  Why, I'm a regular cheerleader.  But at heart, I'm still an only child, I suspect; I don't get lonely; I'm maybe too self-sufficient; I'm happy on my own.  I'm also a binge kind of gal, not a steady-as-she-goes girl.  I binge on tv series, binge on my writing, binge on gardening, binge on Facebook, binge on Words With Friends. . .practically anything I do.  If I find a novel I love, I'll read three more of them by the same author, and do it over a weekend.  You can see how this might translate into a romantic problem over the long haul, because there could never *be* a long haul!  I'm a short-haul trucker, vroom, vroom.

 More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.  ~Doug Larson

 Another word for my behavior is, of course, "addict," not that there's anything wrong with that.  Fortunately, all of my addictions, currently, are legal.  But compared to most sane people I know, I'm an anomaly, a single yellow jelly bean in a sea of mated orange ones.  I realize the demographics of this kind of thing have changed, but you'd never know it from my friends. 

My orange friends are, statistically, going to be healthier, live longer, and be happier than I. I think I'm pretty healthy and happy, but I can certainly see how the continuing love, trust, support of another person could boost a person's immune system, etc., etc.

            Me, I always wanted to murder them by two years and one month into it.

            "You chewed ice cubes one too many times, buddy!"

            Hey, it's me, I know.  But I'm willing to learn, even though I'll never apply it in this life.  But maybe I'll be primed for next time around.  ::wagging puppy tail::

            So, you guys. . .

            A lot of you have been married a long time, right? 

            How'd you do it?  I mean, seriously, how?

            What do you like about going on for so long with another human being?  You may think the answers are obvious, but they aren't for relationship sprinters like me.  You're the marathoners.  I'm merely on the sidelines holding out bottles of water--or champagne--as you come around again on your anniversaries.  "Oh, yay! Here come Margaret and Joe again!"

            I love you long-running types.  I could just hug and smoosh you, because  you're so cute together, and what would I do for a *good* home-cooked meal without you?!

            But, really, how do you DO it?

__________________________________

P.S. Garden update!

Remember this? 

Now, it's this. . .

 Because of you guys, I put in a rose bush and a LOT of lavendar, and I love them.

So thank you!  There will be more to come and more to bloom.

 

 

Comments

[Karen in OH]

Nancy, I'm so happy you planted lavender; it's a useful, but underused plant. You will love it. Just cit it back twice a year, after it flowers, and it will live a long time.

Steve and I are going to hit 30 years in March, but it has not been all beer and skittles (and not rainbow-colored candy kind, for sure). I think the only reason we are still together is we're too lazy to go to all the trouble of everything entailed in splitting up. And besides, we've rubbed the edges off one another by now, and who wants to go through that whole process again? ;-)

[gaylin in vancouver]

Ah Nancy, I too am a single yellow jelly bean! My lone attempt at marriage lasted 23 months - 1982 to 1984. My parents were married for 38 years until my dad died. I had a decent example, I just didn't learn the whole lesson . . .

I will now go binge on book reading.

[marie]

I can only speculate why I am with my DH 47years.
As a somewhat naive young girl weaned on Hollywood musicals and the happily ever after influences, of course I was going along in my merry way until I met him..the one.
I was a brat, spoiled by my Dad but I had a sense of responsibility and wanted to do the right thing.
DH is more sensible, talented and keeps me off balance. He cares for me and does not want to be without me as is the case more and more as we age..yes that ugly word age. It gets in the way if you measure yourself against your youth.

The seasons of life come and go. The passion is strong even if adjustments are made along the way.
Gratitude is the final measure..gratitude and a whole lot of luck.

[NancyP]

Karen, it's the strangest thing, but I suddenly realized that as I was reading your advice, I was smelling lavender very strongly, though there is none in the house. I did not know that about the cutting twice. Will do. And. . .what the heck ARE Skittles anyway?

Gaylin, we are binge sisters. : )

[NancyP]

Oh, Marie, that's kind of lovely, what you said.

Off to bed. See you on the flip side.

[Nicola Slade]

Skittles are what we have in some English pubs, Nancy. Much more fun than the 10 Pin bowling that evolved from it!

I have much the same feeling as Marie, as we head towards 44 years though my flippant answer is: He's too careful with money to get a divorce - and I wouldn't let him anyway! (And no, he's not mean but I AM bossy!) Humour; shared values (which is the MOST important thing, I think); being each other's best friend; knowing from experience that 'I hate you' today will turn into 'I love you' tomorrow/next week/next month; and that being together is tons better than being apart.
And of course there's the fact that however much he's driving me mad, my heart lifts when I hear his key in the door!

[Reine]

Hi Nancy P,

Steppy (Steve's nickname from childhood) and I have been married 41 years, 42 this September. I don't know how. Superficially it appears that we have little in common. He is 14 years older than I, and he was married 17 years before we met at his brother's house. I was pretty young, barely 20 when we met. and not approved of by anyone in his family. I don't blame them for that. He was 34, and his wife had recently left him for someone else after 17 years. His brother and sister-in-law came around very quickly, but his mother and sister never really approved. His mother tried to talk him out of it, and his sister recruited her friends to help her break us up. His mom accepted me when she saw he wasn't going to change his mind, and she was exceedingly good to me.

We come from very different backgrounds. There was a lot of social overlap, though, mostly due to the schools I went to and places I lived when things were bad with my parents. His family had a status that my family lost generations before.

Steppy and I talk about everything, and we are unafraid to tell what might be the worst. We prefer doing interesting things to accumulating. We climbed mountains and backpacked all through the Sierra Nevada before our disabilities manifested. We would rather live simply and spend our money on activity, travel, and education - now giving those things to the children and grandchildren. We have always done things together, and separately. We are just always there for one another. He is in the midst of a health crisis, and we are not sure how that will play out . . . in the middle of it now. We are even closer through this somehow. I just don't know how that is.

[Dina]

I think it's mostly luck. Also Peter is tolerant and likes weird people-- worked out great for me. The garden is beautiful!

[Judith Bandsma]

37 years...how? ennui

[RitaG]

My partner and I have celebrated 34 years together, so far. We have lived through some of the worst times together, as well as the best. The main thing that's gotten us through the bad events is that, each time, one or the other of us wanted to stay together strongly enough to weather the storm and fight for the relationship.

In our case, coming from similar backgrounds has probably been an important factor, as our values were shaped in basically the same mold.

[William]

(laughing) Two YEARS, Nancy? Until I met The Boss, if I made two DAYS, that counted as a Significant Relationship! (still laughing) Two days was a weekend, so it's close enough.

I don't know how we've done it. Well, if I'm being honest, SHE has done it; I wouldn't put up with me for six months. I think it may have a lot to do with an agreement we made our wedding night.

After long and serious discussion, we came to an understanding that I would handle all Major Issues, and The Boss would take care of the Minor Things.

I have been extremely fortunate that, in almost 26 years together, a Major Issue has never arisen. Just lucky, I guess...:)

[Dru]

It's good to know that I'm not the only single yellow jelly bean. Being self-sufficient and independent does not make for a long haul, especially when I can do it on my own.

Love the look of the new garden.

[Nancy Pickard]

I can see this is going to be one of those blog days when my heart feels mooshy and my eyes keep misting over and I also laugh a lot. I'm not going to say much for a while. I'll just read and do the misting and the chuckling things.

Thanks for your honesty. Pretty amazing group of people, whether yellow jelly beans or orange.

[Nancy Pickard]

But I just have to note our tally so far. . .

30
47
44
going on 42
37
34
almost 26

Wow. I had a feeling this was the case.
And two more yellow jelly beans. ::waves::

[Joshilyn Jackson]

I LOVE to break stuff. Scott LOVES to fix stuff. We are in an endless loop of making each other happy, as with me around there is always plenty to fix, and with him around, there are newly mended things all over waiting to be re-shattered.
Also, he smells right to me. Other men are kinda...gross. NO OFFENSE, other men! Not gross in GENERAL---like, I enjoy to sit down and have a meal and chat with MANY men, and I never think they are gross. But men BECOME in my head a little... gross if I think about ACTUALLY kissing them. Even, secretly, Johnny Depp seems a little gross when I think about actually kissing him on his gross, weird Not-Scott mouth. He keeps SLOBBER in there. Foreign slobber! HE KEEPS MOIST FOREIGN NON-SCOTT SLOBBER! GAH!
On the other hand, I really LIKE kissing. And everyone but Scott is a little gross...So. I need Scott.

[Nancy Pickard]

Okay, I was going to shut up, but honest to god, Joss, that is so FUNNY and no doubt true and it's no wonder he loves you.

[Heather Mellott]

Love these comments! Ive only been married 10 years, but have known my husband for 20. We had both been in bad marriages before, so I think we appreciate what a good marriage is. I also agree with Karen in OH...were too lazy to start over again! lol! Luckily, my hubby and I were best friends for years, so i think "if i cant make it work with my best friend, i wont be able to make it work with anyone." I am in the same boat as you, I bounce from one thing to the next in an obsessive fashion. Although it drives my husband a little crazy, I think he feels a sense of pride in being the steady one with a good job that allows me to do those things. Also, before we married, we agreed on who would do what (he does nothing and i do everything...jk) He was the breadwinner and I took care of the house and kids. Now that the kids are older I am working more, and he is helping more around the house. I know these are little things but it prevents alot of fights. I also agree with Joshilyn, I just find other men kind of gross. Im always proud of the way my husband looks, carries himself, and he always smells wonderful. I think the key is you have to absolutely adore and appreciate one another, and the advice I always give to young girls looking for their "knight in shining armor" is to forget that...just go for the guy that makes you laugh the most. That being said, there are days I've wanted to smack him repeatly upside the head with a frying pan.

[Heather Mellott]

I know Im rambling, but again for me, a sense of humor is important. My husbands temper can flare quickly, but then he is over it. I dont get mad easily, but when I do I stay mad. So about an hour after one of our first fights, he walked over to me, put his arms around me and said smiling "Its ok honey, you dont have to say it...I know you are sorry," which made me laugh. He does this regularly now if we have a disagreement, which always breaks the tension makes us laugh.

[Nancy Pickard]

Have to comment again, and then I'm going to water that garden before the 100 degree heat arrives today. Heather, I love your husband, too! You guys sound like a great match, and it only goes to show that even in wonderful marriages, it's good to have a frying pan, lol.

[Margaret Maron]

No advice here, Nancy. It was sheer luck that we even met. He makes me laugh, I keep him off balance. He's a Yankee intellectual, I'm a redneck hick. He's my best friend; I'm his; but we aren't joined at the hip. Lots of air in this marriage. Lots of room for wonderful friends. We're very much aware of being down to the short rows, which makes this a bittersweet time. It's not that we would want to do this last 50 years over again, but that we wish we had another 50 together.

[Elizabeth Zelvin]

Yikes, just realized I dreamed last night that I was getting divorced from my first husband--again! But my current and forever one and I have been together 35 years this month from the first date and almost 30 years married. I don't think it's a talent you're born with. It's a lot of work! (And I'm not just saying that because I'm a shrink.) Among our secrets: it's okay for me to be a yellow jelly bean and him to be a black one. We often say that we have absolutely nothing in common--except that we love each other. What else? No blaming. Still don't do that perfectly, but when we say it's each other's fault, we know that's not the real story. We agree to disagree when necessary. We'll never remember certain important moments in our history the same, so we don't try. Oh, and a crucial one: it's impossible to give your spouse a present that's both a surprise and the perfect choice 100 percent of the time.

[Becky Hutchison]

Wonderful blog, Nancy! And late congrats on your award nomination!

My husband and I have been married almost 22 years. I never thought I could stand to live with someone else that long, so it's a surprise to me that we're still happy together. Before I started dating Dale, I rarely got beyond two or three dates with a guy before I found things I disliked about him. But with DH, every time we were together I found more things to like about him.

We are total opposites in personality, (I'm the talk-while-I'm-thinking, chatty, night owl), but we have the same basic values and outlook on life. We also like to do some things together like hiking, riding bicycles, travel different places, while having our separate interests too. He likes golfing with his buds and I like being with my writing friends. I always thought that a great relationship was built on trust. So I knew that Dale was the one when I didn't obsess about what he might be doing when we were apart.

Every day I'm amazed at how much we laugh together and enjoy spending time with each other. I could never be this close to any other guy. And like Joss, I wouldn't want to sit close to, hug tight or kiss anyone else. That would be GROSS. And besides, he's put up with me for 24 years total. Now that's truly amazing!

[Ramona]

I've been married for 2,000 years but after reading Joss' comments, hell, *I* want to kiss SCOTT.

[Cindy from Oregon]

The first thing you should do to have a long marriage is to have one or two short ones, for practice. Then you learn what the deal-breakers are. In my case, my first husband was a selfish, spoiled child who got his way by being a bully. I hadn't intended to EVER marry again (I'm just fine on my own, and I also think that's a key to a long union) but when my DH and I got together and after I sniffed him out for two years, I realized he was going to let me run the show. I can deal with that. A long, flexible leash for both of us has worked for 25 years in October.
Too many people look for the lightening bolt, when what they really need is companionship.

[Debby]

....add another single yellow jelly bean. :)

[Alan P.]

The Princesses picked some lavender from our garden for grandma this morning.

22 years for me and the Queen. For us, we knew each other for 20 years before we started dating. I think being friends and knowing each other helps a great deal if you are looking for the long run.

I think meeting people online will be leading to more long term marriages. It allows people to get to know one another without the physical attraction thing starting. I don't know anyone who says, "We've been married 18 years, since I picked her up at > at ladies night." But I do know a couple who met in a chat room about their favorite band. She was in Boston. He is a farmer in far west Kansas. Now she has a 600 acre front yard and a combine.

Try this book, advise on serial monogamy from a good friend, it has some funny parts as well.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Commit-Monogamy-Lighthearted-Long-Term/dp/0836227239/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1309442359&sr=8-2

[carl brookins]

Nancy, the very first sentence is quite intriguing. I had to consider it for several minutes.
For us it will be 54 years in August. No formulas, no guiding star, but appreciation, mutual respect, caring, supportive attitudes, tears, love, separate and together activities, children, common interests,
working at it.

[Marcia in OK]

Another yellow jelly bean . . . waving.

Smiling reading the comments.

Beautiful garden.

[xena]

Well I'd love to have had a long term relationship.
Now the problem is and has been finding a man to have a relationship.
And I do that visual thing too asking myself if I had the chance would I kiss him and snuggle up next to his naked body.
Ewwww! Gross usually does not even come close to describing it!
Smell has a lot to do with it also!
Really.
I raise a glass to all of you who have found your match.

[Katherine]

Yesterday was our 48th anniversary. Actually, I agree with Karen in OH with the first post. To quote:"I think the only reason we are still together is we're too lazy to go to all the trouble of everything entailed in splitting up. And besides, we've rubbed the edges off one another by now, and who wants to go through that whole process again? ;-)" Currently, he has been a wonderful support through my cancer. His name is Scott--another good kisser!

[Holly Gault]

For 58 years I was a yellow jelly bean (almost ivory colored as I didn't have many 'practice' opportunities). I was mostly happy as a single ivory jellybean, I just wondered if there was a match out there some place.
Four and a half years ago I became one of an orange pair (I met him and liked him forty years ago, but it didn't work out then).

We both were single for a long time and need a lot of solitary time and quiet time. I think I will fail in my goal to get us to learn ballroom dancing, but he watches chick flicks with me as long as I leaven the fluff with an action adventure every once in a while.

[Judi]

What is it with me? Fourteen years, twice? Now fourteen years alone? I enjoy my own company, but truly I'd like a man around (but he has to smell good, of course!)
Oh, I'm on my first lavender plant - please help. Cut it back? When? How much? I planted it last year and it didn't do much, but now I see it has a couple of flowers. I'm so thrilled!

[Tina]

It will be 22 years together this year, but 10 married on July 18th. Like others, we'd both been married perviously, very briefly, and didn't want to jump right back into it.

I don't think theres any secret to it. It's work some days. We grew up together and became best friends. As I'm reading all the comments, it seems that being best friends is common.

Nicola, you're comment on how we *hate* each other one day and love the next is so right on. And waiting for the key in the door...awwww!

WOW! love the little garden. What a transformation. Who doesn't love lavender?

[Liberty Speidel]

I got married at 20. My husband and I will be married for 9 years in about 7 weeks. We didn't know each other terribly long before we married (the day we met and the day we married were about 53 weeks apart.)

I would admit that being married is difficult. So difficult, in fact, we've been to a counselor. (I say it was so I wouldn't kill him--hey, I am a mystery writer! But, really, we would have been on the road to divorce if we hadn't.)

While I don't have the longevity of some that have posted here, we have been married for nearly 1/3 of my life. My keys are having a shared faith, some similar interests (but some separate ones too) and being willing to forgive each other. Having shared goals are important too. My husband and I both want to either buy or start a business, it's just a matter of figuring out what that is! :)

Both of our sets of parents have been divorced, mine when I was 18, so we both didn't go in blind to the marriage game. We knew there would be difficulties, and we'd get steamed with each other. (Since we're both first-borns, we have a LOT of conflict just because of our strong personalities!) But, one of my older (and wiser) friends told me during my engagement that even when you're mad at each other, never threaten the other with divorce: you'll threaten it, and while you're still mad, one will go see the lawyer, and before you know it, you're divorced and wondering how that happened.

So that's my advice, for what it's worth.

[Liberty Speidel]

I should add that despite divorces from both our sets of parents, we do have 4 sets of grandparents that have been married for 50+ years. The oldest set (on my side) had their 66th this year, so we have some very good examples.

[[email protected]]

I'm moody. Gary's not. He's the funniest person I know. And he smells like cinnamon. We've been together for 31 years, married for most of them.

[lil Gluckstern]

I was married for twenty years. It seemed as though our trains ran on the same rails, but then the rails split and we needed to be in different places. Now i've been a yellow jelly bean for thirty years, and I can do binges, or not, and I like my own life. I miss the sharing, but I'm not so sure I could do that again. I, too, will raise a glass to all of you marrieds. Love the garden and congratulations on the Macavity nomination.

[Sally Goldenbaum]

Wow...what a lot of lovely comments...and I'm thinking that no matter what color jelly beans we are, we all have relationships. Maybe that’s what it's all about. Connecting. Though, sure, living in the same house (or next door as Robert and June Parker did) for lots of years is a special feat. Unnatural, some say. But it's worked for us (40 years) and when push comes to shove, even when the house seems too small and I wish he'd watch basketball with me or enjoy my favorite TV shows, I want him there beside me, that person who shares a history with me and fathered my children and helped me bury and mourn my mother and father. Who worries with me (though not as much) when our grown children have snags in life. Who adores our grandchildren. As Margaret said, 'air' is a great secret weapon. And our friendship, his and mine, is deepened by sharing people we both love and appreciate. Like Nancy.

[Jenni Wiltz]

Hi Nancy,

Tomorrow is my five-year anniversary, so this post was timely and intriguing! I know five years isn't nearly as long as many of the other commenters, but both my husband and I have the addictive personality type you describe (maybe that's why the marriage thing works?). We never want to grow up, either of us.

We've had our fights, mostly over my personal inability to accept his bikes and weight lifting equipment as room decor. I still struggle with that. But overall, I think the key to our longevity is enough shared interests to keep us together (including lifestyle goals) and enough separate interests to keep us from becoming versions of each other. I love French movies, wine, and Thai food; he's a Burger King guy with a penchant for Belgian beer. I think people who like the same *types* of things, but not the exact same permutations of those things, can make a marriage work.

[Storyteller Mary]

Oh, William -- major decisions -- too funny! Congratulations to all who have managed togetherness. Students with divorced parents were discussing marriage and if it can work, so I promised to survey storytelling friends with good marriages. They agreed that shared interests and respect for each other's non-shared interests were important aspects in the together/separate dance successful couples do.
Another friend, who was a young woman in Germany after WWII and knew whereof she spoke, pointed out to me that there are so many single women my age because "you sent your husbands to Vietnam" -- a hard, sad truth.
I'm glad I am okay managing my own life, and it is true that, growing up in a very busy, crowded home, I used to daydream about having solitary space -- still, if the right guy showed up, I'd consider making adjustments . . .
Elaine will be at Barnes & Noble in Ladue this evening -- see you there, Al!

[gaylin in vancouver]

I am seriously impressed with the longevity of relationships in all these comments! Kudos to all of you.

I have friends who lived together for 20 years and got married on their 20th anniversary! 20 years of 'sin' and ?? years of marriage.

My mom used to bug me about dating or finding a man until my dad died. She has been single for 18 years now and once she got past that first awful part of grieving and figured out life on her own, she hasn't bothered me about finding a man since. She also turned into a yellow jelly bean.

[Warren Bull]

I have a fairly short-term marriage but a long-term 20 years plus relationship. We were both comfortable as individuals with individual identities and hesitated to mess with that by marrying. I would say we have respect for each other, a sense of humor, and some entirely separate interests.

[Laura (in PA)]

What wonderful stories. And Nancy, the garden looks lovely!

I've been married 16 years, both of us had previous marriages. The best friend thing is the biggest reason for me - we were friends before we got together romantically. We've weathered some serious stuff in our marriage, that many marriages would have ended from, but we decided to persevere, and I think it was the right thing to do. We're very different, but like a lot of the same things, and can make each other laugh. He's more of a solitary person, and while I like being home with dogs and family, I also enjoy people. So I go off to my book things with friends, and he enjoys time alone.

It helps that he doesn't mind doing laundry, ironing, and grocery shopping, so I never feel like I don't get any help around the house. :)

I've learned a lot from these comments. Thanks to all for sharing your stories.

[Linda Hanick]

This year Vic and I celebrate 43 years! That's a good question--how have we done it? We knew each other as kids--went to the same Jr. ad Sr. High school, dated in high school, dated in college, dated other people and then married after college. I attribute our long marriage to blind luck and chance! We weren't old enough to know what we really wanted in a lifetime mate--we were still kids. But we were lucky. I also married a great person, whom I respect immensely, and who is very tolerant of me. We work well together--love to explore and love new challenges. As business owners, we had to learn a new level of relationship, and we could disagree on a business matter, but we never took it home. Our personal relationship was sacred ground in the 22+ years we owned the bakery. It was a successful business, and I attribute that to our partnership in all matters and decision-making. I always remember what my mom said about my dad--"Divorce him? No. Kill him? Yes." Vic and I have certainly had our differences, but we have sure had a lot of fun in nearly 43 years and hope to continue for a lot of more years. When my mom died at age 79, she still took "Cosmopolitan" magazine--she said that life should never get dull. I have taken her advice.

[Jenny Milchman]

Love the garden!! I have the blackest thumb ever so I envy you this.

As for the topic...one of my dearest friends and writing buddies is a Solo Sally. She likes it that way--wouldn't want it to be any other. I think some people are made/bred/born for marriage, some not. I don't have any great secrets, no secrets at all. I'm now approaching the time when I will have been with my husband longer than I ever lived without him, and the years without him, though I figure I was lucky enough to have a pretty happy childhood, seem gray and bleak. It's not hard to stay with him, though I know marriage can take work. Even if he's not quite as neat (honey, you mean compulsive--sorry, that was him jumping in) around the house as I might like, that seems no price to pay. Who likes a super neat man anyway?

Joshilyn's comment made me laugh, and Margaret's made me cry.

And Nancy, I'm very glad you both get to ride solo and in the back seat--either one at just the right time.

[Nancy Pickard]

Thank you, everyone, for participating in this thread. I think a lot of people have really enjoyed and learned things from your comments. I know I have. I won't try to respond to each one this time, but I'm really glad each one of you is here! You're an amazing bunch, and from the sound of it, your significant others are, too. Or at least they're interesting in their own way. :)

[Peach Blossom]

Late reading today, but just wanted to say my husband and I have been married almost 31 years and together 33.

[peach]

well just realized my daughter had changed my info so that was me Peach whose been married 31. She's single.

[Mo]

I am also late posting. Hubby and I were married on our 15th anniverary of "living in sin". Next month we will celebrate 15 years married and 30 years together. We are both are strong individuals and best friends whoe enjoy our time apart as much as our time together. We balance each other and I can't imagine not being with him.

[Cyndi]

33 years in September, but we started dating in high school (15 years old - can you imagine?!), so we've grown up together. I can't imagine growing old with anyone else. Hubby is truly my best friend.

And no, it hasn't all been lovely, but even on the days we don't like each other very much, we always love. It's a choice.

Pretty wise, too, coming from a gal whose mother was married four time and father is on number five ;-)

[Reine]

Nancy, I think lavender was an excellent choice for your garden . . . really very lovely. Congratulations on the Macavity nomination! Wow, somehow I missed that . . . really sorry.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

As usual late to the party (HOLIDAY ORDERS)
RAG and I have been together for 36 yrs but only 25 married........we waited for our desires on the legal thing.

This one is the best by far........no Viet Nam War and draft implications.......we met in the McGovern Campaign as organizers.................and it is grown-up bliss!

[peg s.]

I was like you, Nancy, never could keep a relationship going long. I think I just got tired of them. DH and I met at work, became friends, I thought he was cute, and he made me laugh. It will be 37 yrs. in Sept.. Almost gave up on him with addiction problems, but worked it out.

[Harley]

Married for one year . . . then single for 14 . . . then married for 10 . . . now single for 4 . . .

I think I'm a happy camper, in a general way, whether single or married. But I do long to do it again, do it forever, find out what that's about. So that's what I'm gonna do. Just as soon as I find someone who's fun to kiss and fabulous to talk to.

[Evalyn]

I'm a yellow jelly bean. My one and only marriage lasted 15 months. 35 years ago.

My mom and dad were married 65 years. I lived through some of their bad patches and always figured she stayed because with five kids she didn't have any other choice. But when he was approaching 90, senile and suffering the other indignanties of old age, she said "he can still make me laugh." And he did. The secrect to the success depends on the people involved. My parent knew what was important to them.

[Kat Clock]

30 years in December and the key is we are stubborn. We do have similar basic core values and we liked each other before lust became a factor. It hasn't been easy and it hadn't been for the children I'm sure we would have went our separate ways many years ago. However, it was just too much effort to try and divorce while the children were at home. Now the things that seemed like deal breakers are no longer important, the children are mostly on their own, and we enjoy each others company. We do spend a good deal of time apart due to work, but maybe that helps make it work.