Rapture My Ass
Okay, awesome. I get to blog on the day that some total bozos think the world is going to end. The Rapture, baybay. When all good Christians will be sucked up into the sky like loose Legos into an expensive vacuum cleaner. Or something.
Here is what I think of when I hear the word Rapture:
Hello, BLONDIE. I mean, Fab Five Freddy and Dinosaurs eating Subarus--that's what the word means to me: cocaine and crappy music videos late nights on MTV in my late teens and early twenties, basically.
This end of the world stuff? Well, not so much.
I mean, it's not like they haven't threatened us with it before. And frankly, I'm more about the bumper stickers:
Though the idea of annoying literalists being sucked up off the face of the earth has a certain appeal, I have to say.
Kind of a whole new interpretation of "Up With People," only twice as lame. Which is saying something.
But, on the bright side, it could be like that thing in the Douglas Adams novel about how a world that was about to blow up sent off two spaceship arks with the entire global population aboard one or the other of them. The "other" one, let's say, was filled with insurance salespeople and telephone sanitizers, if memory serves. That was the one NOT programmed to arrive at the new planet.
Ahem.
I wouldn't mind filling a spaceship with everyone who believes in The Rapture--especially the ones who think they're so special that God will preserve them and then whale on the rest of us with Tsunamis and earthquakes and hellfire and stuff for being secular humanists or what have you.
I'm sorry, I just can't believe God is that much of an asshole. And if he is, I don't think I really want to go there, you know? "There" being wherever such a deity hangs out.
I would rather party with the blue people.
Or, you know, THESE guys:
Because Tibetans are pretty much always a good time, especially on a road trip. I think it's the yak cheese. And also, the hot fermented barley tea is pretty fun.
Although I'm also a fan of the Kumari, and female deities generally:
I mean, seriously, if you had to be stuck on a desert island with someone, she'd be way cooler than this guy, right?
So I say "Rapture Away, Buttheads!" It would be lovely if all the intolerant, smug, hateful, ignorant xenophobes and misogynists just up and floated off into the sunset.
Maybe after that, the rest of us can sing about something happy. Like these people:
But just in case I'm wrong, this is the car I'd like:
So if you know of any hardcore Christian likely to float off the planet tomorrow who just happens to drive a black ragtop Porsche 356, do let me know where they keep it garaged, okay?
Although I'd settle for a nice British Racing Green Jaguar, especially a 1959 XK:
How 'bout you guys--what kind of car do you want, after The Rapture?
[And here's a lagniappe, because I'm kvelling--a pic I took of my daughter, just before she left for her first prom last night:
A little Sargent-y, I like to think... verging on one of the cooler Mitfords.]
Here's my plan for the day after the Rapture, My Love. First, I'm going to wait for the earthquake to relieve itself of its sucking and belching, then I'll wait for AAA to get all the crashed cars off the road. At that point in time, I plan to enjoy the lack of traffic tie-ups in LA, be thrilled that all those unemployed and homeless peoples' problems are over because there will be plenty of jobs and empty homes, and then I'm going to the beach and find an empty ocean-front property that needs a "pet sitter."
It seems the humane thing to do, and I think that would please God, whomever he/she may be.
Posted by: Ann | May 21, 2011 at 02:10 AM
I forgot about Up with People! Ha ha! That picture is priceless, too.
Oh shoot, now their theme song is stuck in my head. (Unsure: is it still called a theme song for a live show? Well, the whole "Up, up with people" song, anyway.)
Posted by: Ink | May 21, 2011 at 02:39 AM
Cornelia, your daughter is beautiful!
I noticed recent mention of this Rapture thing and had no clue as to what it is supposed to be. Complete lack of religion on my part . . . So it's today? What does it all mean?
There is a huge catholic church/school near me, does this mean it will be empty? I could live there, it is all gorgeous wood furniture and stained glass. I was in it once for a funeral and found it peaceful but stinky, what is up with the burning crap in a thingy being walked down the aisle?
Posted by: gaylin in vancouver | May 21, 2011 at 02:45 AM
Cornelia, I agree with every word you wrote! The people who believe today is the day aren't people I want to hang with. I kind of already had Jaguar though. My first husband traded all my furniture for the Jag because he was sure he could restore it. I never got to drive it because I'm vertically challenged and could not push in the clutch. He sold it a few months later. I was still sitting on the floor while he blew the money. Aaaahhh, youth. Married at 18, divorced at 20.
Posted by: Carol R | May 21, 2011 at 03:08 AM
I want to find out where the former owner of Dominos Pizza keeps all the Dusenbergs he collects. Hell, I'm not even really picky what year and such, altho since they'd just be sitting there, I might have my posse come with me and we'd take 'em all.
I'd also take a semi with a big trailer and load that sucker full of other valuables and a shitload of liquor.
After that: party time without any religious wack jobs to spoil the fun.
Posted by: Doc In CA | May 21, 2011 at 03:21 AM
Cornelia, I agree with every word you wrote! I especially love the "Christmas Food Court Flash Mob, Hallelujah Chorus". That gave me the chills.
Posted by: Tiger | May 21, 2011 at 03:49 AM
Well, it's past 6 pm in Sydney, and unless the newspapers are hiding it, there haven't been any natural disasters or mass disappearances. So, I think we are in the clear.
Now, this should not affect your chances at the Porsche or Jag. Nobody who thinks they are going to be raptured would be caught dead in a German or English car. American cars, only, for the people suckers enough to believe this. It's a pattern. (If there is a pun in that paragraph, it was unintended.)
Posted by: Josh | May 21, 2011 at 06:56 AM
Nothing in the New Zealand news, either, and it's about 11 p.m. there. Except for this item at Radio New Zealand: Cook Islands police investigate disapperance [sic] of a man following a boat trip.
http://www.rnzi.com/pages/news.php?op=read&id=60732
Posted by: Josh | May 21, 2011 at 07:00 AM
Cornelia, if the last thing we see on earth is that picture of your daughter, we'll be going out with something truly beautiful on our minds! Put that on a wall, Mom! Stunning.
I am planting flowers this morning. A good way to spend the pre-Rapture hours, I think.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Not even scary preachers.
Posted by: Nancy Martin | May 21, 2011 at 08:00 AM
When I was in school, I was totally revved when Up With People came to call.
Now, all those wholesome-looking young people--I can just about imagine all the shenanigans going on.
Sorry, was that cynical? Today feels like a cynical day. But, hey, THE SUN IS OUT.
Posted by: Ramona | May 21, 2011 at 08:26 AM
Sun is out here as well...my feeling about the Rapture? When(if) it comes it comes...can't control it. I just wonder what happens to people traveling by air...especially if the pilot and co-pilot are among 'the chosen'. I'm at the store for 6 hours today, so if something does happen, I'll have books to read and scones to eat for a very long time :o) Great post, Cornelia(thanks for the Hallelujahs)...and Ramona? You read my mind...clean cut young 'uns? Lots to imagine!
Posted by: Maryann Mercer | May 21, 2011 at 08:51 AM
Absolutely lovely photo of your daughter. And I've always wanted a British Racing Green convertible Jag as well. You have excellent taste!
Down here in the bowels of the Sunshine State there is a Nude 5K scheduled for tomorrow morning. Reward to the sinners who make it? Survive the rapture and get naked. What a weekend.
Cheers.
Posted by: Kerry Ann (aka Vinobaby) | May 21, 2011 at 08:59 AM
She's so beautiful, Cornelia. Must be good genes! 9:30 am here and no rapture yet. So I guess I'll have to finish the book.
Posted by: Margaret Maron | May 21, 2011 at 09:28 AM
Margaret -- I think it happens at 6:30 tonight, to be technical, so you MAY not have to finish the book. As a world class book-procrastinator myself, I say, Wait it out.
I am a devout Christian, though not at all a literalist, and it ALWAYS bugs me that these doomsday people who DO claim to be literal interpreters of the Bible can suddenly be as flexible as a yogi when it comes to Matthew 24:36
"No one knows when that day or hour will come-not the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
HINT: Verse 37 does not read, "Oh. And Harold Camping."
Posted by: Joshilyn Jackson | May 21, 2011 at 09:40 AM
Oh., wow, Cornelia. I agree with Nancy, that photo is wall-worthy. Lucky boy who escorted her.
Can't wait to hear the spin on why nothing happened. Call me cynical.
Posted by: Karen in OH | May 21, 2011 at 09:45 AM
Beautiful daughter! Oh, my, she's so lovely, C.
Did you ever hear that hilarious routine that Garrison Keiler did about the Rapture? It was so funny I had to pull over to the side of the road because I couldn't drive and weep with laughter at the same time. He said--among many other things--that on the Day After, he called around to see if all the Believers had disappeared, but they were still here, and the Unitarians had gone, instead! hahahah
Posted by: Nancy Pickard | May 21, 2011 at 09:57 AM
Thank you, Joshilyn.
Ditto.
Posted by: Kellee | May 21, 2011 at 10:01 AM
Oh dear. I should not post in late at night. It's 7:30 am here on the west coast and I woke up with the thought that the car was an Austin Healy, not a Jag. They all look alike to me, but they're not even in the same league.
Posted by: Carol R | May 21, 2011 at 10:32 AM
PS That CHILD! Oh, Cornelia! She looks so ETHEREAL and 1897 in that photo. Such a beauty.
Posted by: Joshilyn Jackson | May 21, 2011 at 10:48 AM
The guy predicted the end of the world in 1994 as well.
Posted by: Amanda McDonald | May 21, 2011 at 11:28 AM
Cornelia, you are SO BRILLIANT. Thank you, and now I also want that car.
Your daughter is very Sargent, with a touch of Zelda and Wharton. Sigh.
Posted by: Hank Phillippi Ryan | May 21, 2011 at 12:01 PM
The sad part of this is going to be tomorrow morning when some of the staunchest 'believers' wake up to find themselves still here. They'll probably never believe that it didn't happen but that they'd been left behind. How many will take out their whole families and then themselves when they think that? There's already reports of a mother trying to kill her children because she didn't believe they'd be raptured with her.
How many more? For a delusion.
Posted by: Judith Bandsma | May 21, 2011 at 12:06 PM
what a beautiful girl, Cornelia.
I am a devout Christian as well, but like Joshilyn, not a literalist. I do not have any of your dream cars, but on the off-chance that the Rapture actually happens, and that any of you are still here, I will have a refrigerator full of food as I am off to Costco today. Help yourself. However, my God likes mystery writers and is full of love so I am sure we will all be there together, WHENEVER it happens.
Posted by: Lora in Florida | May 21, 2011 at 12:17 PM
Thank for the giggle on a rainy Saturday. I'd like a few of Jay Leno's cars. I'm not banking on getting even one though.
Posted by: Donna Barlow | May 21, 2011 at 12:55 PM
Heh, my son called me yesterday to tell me he loved me. Not because he believes he's going to be Raptured today, we both know THAT'S not gonna happen, but because he planned on being busy looting, and he wanted to get his weekend check-in call out of the way early. Gods, I love that child!
Yours, on the other hand, Ms. C, is breathtaking! She obviously comes from great genetic material -- such a gift you gave her, while maintaining your own fabulous beauty!
Part of me is amused at this whole Rapture nonsense (really, not my religion but even I know about Matthew 24:36!), and part of me is incredibly sad for the people who are going to wake up tomorrow and who have given away EVERYTHING in anticipation and are now destitute and depressed. There may be some very real fallout from this that's heartbreaking.
Posted by: Fran | May 21, 2011 at 01:07 PM
Just cannot help myself:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIcqUokPiTw
Posted by: marie | May 21, 2011 at 01:34 PM
Amazing Grace . . . .
Cornelia, you bring such joy and brilliance to our lives.
Okay, I know THAT god will never rapture me in this life - except when I have one of my very lovely complex-partials that drove me to divinity school like Vincent on his starry starry night and then got dumped by the congregation, so he had to take up painting like me an Fyodor dance with writing - so I want this car http://www.vpgautos.com/ the new MV1 the first ever not-a-conversion van designed especially for wheelchair access nd driving and all that. An it only costs $40,000 dollars. The same as my wheelchair. Of course I can't afford it, because both our toilets are broken at the same time, and I need to buy the most expensive one on the planet. The kind that flushes itself. So please God, if you suck up the up-suckers could you please up-chuck one of those MV1 vans into my driveway and if you could suck a sensor flush waste sucker (ADA, please) into it, I will bring alternative services for those left behind in Tucson after the suckfest. Oh and a new computer please that makes the A's an D's and E's ad N's alwys work (Mac for its accessible features, pleas) . . . well, I would be ever so grateful.
Posted by: Reine | May 21, 2011 at 02:07 PM
My extremely limited experience with women's breasts would lead me to believe that for anyone who has them on her body, running nude for 5k, or any distance, would be uncomfortable, perhaps even painful. (This is in response to Elaine's comment about a nude 5k tomorrow morning.)
Posted by: Josh | May 21, 2011 at 02:17 PM
Cornelia, your daughter is beautiful, and I see a strong resemblance to you!
We were joking at work yesterday that if we were members of Harold Camping's church we wouldn't have to bother finishing a really annoying year-long project we're working on; we wouldn't have even bothered starting on it! (I guess I belong to the "wrong" Christian church!)
I can't wait to hear what Camping has to say tomorrow! Oh, and I want a car that has heated seats!
Posted by: Deb | May 21, 2011 at 02:31 PM
Ah, Ann... I like the idea of you in Malibu with some nice new puppies or something. Maybe some eloquent parrots?
Ink, so sorry about giving you an earworm of the Up With People song--I've been stuck with it rattling around my head since I wrote this, too, if it's any consolation...
gaylin, it does my heart good to know that you were heretofore unfamiliar with the rapture stuff, though I do rather like stinky church incense. And so glad you like the kid picture!
Carol: Austin Healey, Jaguar... all the same beautiful Brit car that never works, methinks. And I am so sorry about your furniture!!! That sounds like a divorce to take pride in.
Doc--DUSENBERGS!! Ah, you're a man after my own heart in the car-lust department!
Tiger, thank you, and yeah, I adore that version of Hallelujah. I'm not anti-Jesus, I'm just anti-asshole...
Josh. *SIGH*. You're so right. The Rapturees taste in cars is unlikely to match my own. But a girl can dream.
Nancy, planting flowers is the perfect antidote. To just about anything, and I'm so pleased you liked the picture.
Ramona, the SUN IS OUT here, too! YEA!!!!! I'd forgotten it was round. And oh, shenanigans... you betcha!
Oh, Maryann, you just gave me something ELSE to worry about, the next time I fly. But I can live with it. And I love the thought of you surrounded by books and scones.
Kerry Ann, you are obviously a woman of superlative car taste. And a nude 5K? Cheers indeed!!!
Oh, Margaret... and I've been hoping maybe I could have a rapture-inspired deadline extension on this second draft myself... Feh. I hope we both cross the deadline finish with bells on and flying colors and all good things!
Oh, Joshilyn, my dream for the universe is that all Christians can be like you when they grow up. Seriously. It is a beautiful religion, and I value it greatly, except for the people who think it's a blunt instrument with which to bonk the rest of us over the heads with. Feh. And thank you for liking my 1897 child...
Karen in OH--lucky boy who escorted her gave himself a mohawk the night before, since they had broken up. Ah, youth is wasted on the young, indeed!
Oh, Nancy P--UNITARIANS!!! I am lying in bed here veritably CACKLING over that!!!! And poor Garrison, that it wasn't the Lutherans...
Ah, Amanda... let's just hope the guy doesn't EVER get it right!!!
Oh, Hank, you gladden my tiny black heart.... AGAIN!! And we both need that car.
Judith, how devastatingly awful... those poor children!!!!
Lora, I want to get to go to church with you and Joshilyn. And thank you so much for the Costco-food offer--I LURVE Costco food!
Donna, if I ever meet Jay Leno, I will see what I can do on the car front for you...
Oh, Fran, you have the coolest son!! That just cracks me up, in the best possible way. And thank you!!!!
Posted by: Cornelia Read | May 21, 2011 at 02:33 PM
marie: *SNORK*!!!! PERFECT!!!!!!
Reine, I want all of that for you, double!!!
Josh, yes indeed. I am never going to do a nude 5K for that very reason. And also probably not even a 5K with a cast-iron exercise boobular garment on, either.
Deb, heated seats, YEA!!! And yes, let's all tune in to Camping's explanation tomorrow. Heh.
And thank you for thinking my kid looks like me--praise indeed!
Posted by: Cornelia Read | May 21, 2011 at 02:37 PM
Thanks for the laughs and wonderful pics. I share your lust for an XK Jag, I prefer an XK-140 in BRG but would take anything. My grandfather lived next door to the Dusenbergs when they had a bicycle shop on Des Moines Iowa. He never owned a Dusenberg car unfortunately.
Here's one take on today being judgment day:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/8528385/Rapture-the-end-was-not-nigh-after-all.html
Posted by: Al_S | May 21, 2011 at 03:03 PM
The Monaghan collection I think is still in Ann Arbor. I am going to liberate the Ferrari 512 S Specaile from it's Italian home. For those others of you with car lust, try the classifieds here: http://blog.hemmings.com/
I am having fun with this rapture thing, Karen, Mary and I traded a few one liners yesterday. I have trouble with people believing bad math based on a bad English translation of a bad Greek translation of the Aramaic/Hebrew recording of an oral record. Sadder still is tomorrow there will be the story of some believer who quit his job and sold everything and now needs it back.
I do have a question for the preachers who are preaching this: Did you prepare a sermon for tomorrow? If you did, I hope it was on that whole false witness thing.
Posted by: Alan P. | May 21, 2011 at 03:03 PM
I'm doing laundry while waiting for the Rapture, Cornelia, which is a crummy way to spend my last day on earth.
After that blog you're going to Hell, young lady. I believe, like Mark Twain, that heaven is for climate and hell for society.
My car is a 1986 black Jaguar with red interior. The finest auto on heaven or earth.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | May 21, 2011 at 04:53 PM
Cornelia, this one is for you, for all you give to us...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLeNzA1OIcM&feature=related
Posted by: marie | May 21, 2011 at 05:23 PM
Oh, Al!! I loved that article, especially the idea of a joke on Camping:
"Earlier TV scientist Professor Brian Cox had suggested it was a good time for a global practical joke: 'I think we should all pretend the rapture is happening so that when Harold Camping gets left behind later today he’ll be livid.'” And, yeah, I totally want the XK140 now. http://crackteam.org/blog/uploads/1956xk140.jpg
Alan, I'm with you on the "bad math based on a bad English translation of a bad Greek translation of the Aramaic/Hebrew recording of an oral record" thing. Maybe Camping can go to Aramaic language lab for a while? False witness indeed...
Elaine, I'm hoping it's Mark Twain hell. That would be really great. And laundry? Oh, my poor sweet woman!!!
Marie, was that rose BELLY DANCING? I think it was. That scares me. But thank you so much for the Manilow.
Posted by: Cornelia Read | May 21, 2011 at 06:00 PM
What Hank said about your daughter. Beautiful picture, beautiful daughter. Another milestone. Here, on the West Coast, its 4:30. I'm watching a ball game, and everyone still seems to be here. I hate this Camping takes advantage of so many people. Religion should be ecstatic, not bruising.
Posted by: lil Gluckstern | May 21, 2011 at 07:28 PM
It's almost 6pm here.
Posted by: Reine | May 21, 2011 at 08:55 PM
Made it safely through the day, with a trip to see the H.P. exhibit
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/exhibition/harrypottersworld/immortality.html
before it moves to New York, and a stop for locally-grown strawberries!!!
I picked up my delivery of Angel Food (late because of truck problems), and brought the organizers some Malted Milk ice cream bars, since they were waiting outside with the food while a service was conducted inside the church.
Survived this day!! See you all tomorrow, GLW & CDR.
Posted by: Storyteller Mary | May 21, 2011 at 11:22 PM
Days late, running in to say, gorgeous girl o' yours, Cornelia, and nice work on the photograph.
About the non-rapture, I got nothin. History is littered with non-raptures. You'd think we'd learn. There's no get-out-of-jail-free card for wrecking your planet, your country and your culture.
Posted by: Laraine | May 22, 2011 at 05:12 PM
Hellooooo, I'm still here, anyone else??
Posted by: Lora in Florida | May 22, 2011 at 10:49 PM
I'm here...just a day late, lol.
One of the practical jokes I saw on Facebook was to lay out old clothes on your lawn and stay inside all day and see if anyone calls to check on you. Or spread the clothes around the neighborhood and freak people out.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | May 23, 2011 at 02:30 PM
So interesting it is, I like it !
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