In Which I am Kind of a Dodo

By Cornelia Read

 

Okay, I am a dodo. Not even kind of.

I have been driving around all week doing stuff with cool relatives--like, I think about a thousand miles on my car--and I ALSO think I left my brain in Queens at the groovy Korean baths-and-massages place called Spa Castle.

These are the outdoor pools, which are amazing. The indoor pools and the multitude of saunas and the bazillion groovy people who will give you all kinds of amazing massages are also amazing. Have I just said "amazing" three times in a row? Yes. Sigh. I amaze myself.

Anyway, should you ever find yourself ANYWHERE near Queens, you should totally go. They also have spa castles in the Pocono mountains and apparently in Texas. So there is no excuse NOT to go. Seriously.

I mean, they even have a nap room. And who doesn't love a nap room? I've wanted to have a room to nap in since kindergarten--especially one that has really comfy lounge chairs to stretch out on, with buttons to make the backs go up and down automatically. Which Spa Castle has.

I think every job should come with naptime--little cots and blankies we can all lie down on, with juice and graham crackers afterwards. So this is right up my alley. Why should the best things in life end in kindergarten? No reason. At all.

My stepmom most awesomely treated me to most of a day at this place, including a full body scrub and a half-hour foot massage. Life is good. And then we had Indian food at this incredible diner in Jackson Heights, and I got two grocery bags full of groovy Indian stuff like lime pickle and "Mango Mood Candy" and lychee-nut-flavored Jell-O mix from Pakistan*

and incense which "specially formulated to worship God and to create a peaceful atmosphere for everyday activities," plus two whole grocery bags full of other groovy stuff for just under twenty bucks. What's not to love?

And, okay, sadly I also got a speeding ticket on the Merritt Parkway for doing 85 in a 55, but the cop was very nice and didn't bust me for not having my new insurance card OR the fact that my registration was up several days earlier OR the fact that I have been living in New Hampshire for nigh on two years now and still have a California driver's license.** 

So! Another reason to hope I can move back to New York City sometime soon, which is that I would sell my car and not have these sorts of extremely expensive reality checks, because they do NOT pull you over when you're going too fast on a subway to give you tickets for things like not having your subway insurance and registration in order. Which is a really fabulous convenience, in my book.

Lucky me. And I get to go to court Wednesday to be yelled at for going 92 in a 65 last November. O joy, o rapture. O checkbook... 

And other than that, and driving around to a couple of colleges and going on a little walking tour of the neighborhood in Manhattan in which I hope someday to live, I have been really really really rethinking the second draft of my fourth novel lots and lots and lots. And I lost a friend of mine's apartment keys. And didn't pay for my daughter's guitar lessons in time. And, um... well, let's just say that my biorhythm for grownup-ness is at an all-time low, and also Mercury is in Retrograde again.***

So, anyway, I was saying I am a bear of not very much brain this week. And therefore I invite everyone to anagram themselves in the comments, just for the hell of it.

Click here for the generator...

I typed in "Cornelia Ludlam Fabyan Read" and got "Manfully adorable radiance," which totally doesn't suck.****

I hope everyone has had and will have a great week!

*Okay, actually the box says "Ahmed Foods Artificially Flavoured Lychee Jelly Crystals," since I don't think there is actually a Jell-O factory in Pakistan. But I could be way wrong on that. Everything else on the box is pretty much in Urdu. Unfortunately, so are the directions for making the actual Jelly. Sigh.

**Basically, anything to do with cars and paperwork is stuff that proves to me once more that I am really, really bad at being a grownup.

*** For the non-Californians, this means that everything that can possibly go wrong will implode at the lamest possible moment for all concerned, especially if said wrongness has to do with timing, traveling, computers, or any other kinds of mean nasty ugly thing on the Group W bench, there. For a couple of weeks or so. And you might want to double up on the condoms, too.

****I am so totally stealing the asterisk thing from my writing-group pal Daisy James, even though she totally does it better than I do.

Comments

[Reine]

Ahhhhh... could I use a trip to Spa Castle! Sign me up.

OK, I did that anagram thingy. And I am practically in tears over it. The best I could come up with using any combination of all forms of my names: born to; confirmed as; previous marrieds and annulleds; nicknames; with and without academic and/or professional letters; SAG and Equity stage names; and in all languages known to me was - the very best was - EERIE ODIUM BRAINS. And I don't even know what odium means. Other desperate attempts brought forth MEAN, DIRE ERUPTION; and REVENGER OF INHUMANE NEGATIVES. But the absolute worst was my birth name's anagram: INHUMAN GARROTER RECANTER. I made the mistake of asking my total bitch of a minister sister-in-law why this happened - how could this be? She whose name came out SWEET FLOWER OF LOVE says I obviously "tickled the universe wrong with all my odium."

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Mine is : INK HAPPY HALL IN RIP Which, although meaningless and not as cool as Cornelia's, does have a sort of zen-ish mystery writer vibe. R.I.P.

Mercury is in retrograde, huh? OH, it's ALWAYS in retrograde. Can someone check on when it ISN'T??? ANd let us know?

xoxo

[xena]

yum...spa castle

[Nancy Pickard]

Being a grown-up is SO over-rated. Don't even try, Cornelia.

I put in my name, childhood middle name nickname, and maiden name: Nancy Jody Wolfe and got Enjoy and Fly Cow, which is great since it clearly predicts that little girl Nancy will grow up to marry a cattle rancher, which I so did. Then I put in Nancy Jo Pickard and got Joy and Crack Pin, which obviously says I need to be a computer hacker OR find out what my long-lost debit card pin number is. When I put in Nancy Wolfe Pickard, though, it came out Wrinkly Po-Faced Can, which, really, at least suggests success.

Oh, Reine!

[Maryann Mercer]

NOW GREATER MERRYMAKER MANIAC here...is what I get for using my entire (including maiden) name. Not bad for a rainy Saturday, although I have to do a late four hour shift at the bookstore which might enhance the maniac and tone down the merrymaker. And Reine, I kind of like Revenger of Inhumane Negatives...sounds like a questing name to me. :o)
Oh Cornelia, that spa sounds heavenly...foot massage and nap room and all. But I too am a dodo in certain ways. I think it comes with reaching a certain age (maybe as young as 30), when all the inconsistencies of life hit you at once. Like the planet Mercury in retrograde and the fact that Pluto isn't a planet at all. Screw with my long held childhood perceptions, why don't you? Then there's the entire "where did I put it?" syndrome. Thankfully so far I've been able to answer that query 90% of the time, but sometimes I'm not even sure what day it is (comes from the semi-retired state I think, where if you're not working it must be a weekend). I also spend some time wondering just where courtesy went...probably on vacation with the dodo.
Thanks for the fun this rainy Saturday :o) Lychee jelly crystals sound like fun!

[Joshilyn Jackson]

1) CORNELIA STOP SPEEDING

2) I hate anagrams of my name----because of the J's they always seem to have JOLLY in them, which makes me feel like the anagram machine is calling me fat. Jolly is never not a euphemism. You can thank SANTA for that. BUT I WILL GO TRY FOR YOU.

3) Joshilyn Elizabeth Jackson's anagram name is JOLLY BONNIEST HAZE HIJACKS. See? Called me fat. Also said I was the prettiest, which is NICE but then HAZE HIJACKS implies I do drugs and crime. So basically it said, "she's a fat drug-addled crime-lord, but, hey, at least she is pretty..."

4) Stupid anagrams

[Joshilyn Jackson]

LIME PICKLE makes me immediately think of pickled limes which makes me think of Little Women. That AMY and the pickled limes chapter shines brighter in my memory than saintly Beth kicking it.

I am pretty sure this means I am an awful human being.

[Nancy Martin]

I just gotta say, I am a big fan of naps.

[Sandi]

I'm not thrilled with that anagram generator. My options are:
SO AND A LANTERN JAW
WIN OLD SATAN
DARN! LOW SATAN

Which means either I have a square head or I'm the devil. Hmmm... my skull is kind of pointy above each ear.

[Deb]

Well, I was totally shocked to find out that three out of four anagram versions of my name included "Rambo"!
1)OH DEAR ME! ARROGANT RAMBO
2)A HONORED RAMBO
3)DONE RAMBO
and the Rambo-less, but weirdest:
IGNORANT ANATHEMA OR A BROODMARE

Let me stick with plain old Deb!

Oh, Cornelia, just wondering where on the Merritt you met one of our state's Finest? I'm impressed at how well you made out. Last summer I received my first (and it had better be my LAST) speeding ticket in over forty years of driving for doing 40 in a 30 MPH zone - in the middle of the night - AND I had just been PASSED by a pickup truck that was obviously doing MORE than 40 before it hopped onto I-95. I'm still MAD (and apparently hanging around Joshilyn a little too long!)

[Alan P.]

NOT NAPALM ARM

Wise advise.

[Nancy Pickard]

Alan, lol.

[Cathy]

INHERITANCE GUARANTEES -- Oh, how I wish!

[Fran]

Fell Fell Rare NUN?!

Silly anagram maker.

I love love love the idea of the spa, as long as they faithfully promise/pinky swear/understand that Bad Things will happen if they touch my feet. I loathe having anyone touch my feet. Half-hour foot massage sounds like complete and utter torment to me.

Oh, but naptime sounds wonderful, and I adore all the pools!

Asterisks and footnotes, properly done, can be a hoot!

[Fran]

Ah, but if I put in my married-to-Lillian name, I get "Well! Resonance Fan", and I am certainly a fan of many of you here, especially you, Ms. C, so THAT'S okay! And I love the fact that the generator added the exclamation point for me.

[Diana in STL]

A spa sounds wonderful. Right now my face is covered with poison ivy so I'd probably scare people off. Gonna need an ocean of calomine lotion ...

with my middle name unwinding nausea
w/o Gun and in a win

can't say I care for either one

better watch that lead foot Cornelia

[Cornelia Read]

Reine, I am so totally seeing you as "REVENGER OF INHUMANE NEGATIVES," with a nice satin cape. Actually two capes, because of course Kendall needs one too.

Hank, I like INK HAPPY HALL, just plain like that. It should be painted on a nice black sign in gold lettering at the foot of your driveway, perhaps?

xena, yum indeed!

Maryann--NOW GREATER MERRYMAKER, yea! And yes to all the inconsistencies hitting at once. Or, as a friend of a friend said, "I'm losing my nouns..."

Joshilyn, of course you are pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty... and not fat. Jolly is just that the anagram machine cannot even begin to describe your inimitable wit. And also--remembering the limes chapter more than whatsherface kicking it just confirms your wit, a la Oscar Wilde saying "One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing."

Nancy M, amen to that.

Sandi, I have a pointy head. Which is why my sister calls me "Cone," as in conehead. LOW SATAN makes me think of a devil-cow, mooing. I am not sure what this means.

Deb, well, it was kind of soonish after the Hutch turns into the Merritt--like, past Purchase Street but not all that far. And I love love love the Merritt. It always reminds me of that illustration in The Magician's Nephew of the Narnia books, where they have the graceful trees and all those little pools you jump in to get to the different worlds, which I could never remember the name of. And then my friend Ariel, who is a genius and a children's librarian, said, "The Wood Between The Worlds..." Because she always knows.

Ah, Alan... wise advice indeed! And LOL too...

[Twist]

SHALT PEN WIT, which was encouraging. And if this writing thing doesn't work out, I can always fall back on my WHIP TALENTS.

[Laraine]

I just had to turn away from all of the dire and/or offensive anagrams that emerged from various combinations of my name . . . until I put in a family nickname for me and added my professional credentials, at which time the machine deigned to offer:
CARNAL IMPORTANCE.

Huh? Oh, well, acceptable.
Cornelia, I went to traffic court a week ago for a ticket that I didn't deserve [too complex to explain here, but truly, I was innocent, innocent, innocent], and the amused judge couldn't throw it out because the officer was standing right there, but he did cut the fine by 1/3rd. Now I just have to do traffic school so it doesn't show on my insurance.

Mercury Retrograde explains so much.
Cheers, all.

[Ramona]

NAG ON MORAL

WTF does that mean? I'm supposed to give people a hard time about their morals? That sounds like tons of fun.

Stupid anagram maker thingee.

[gaylin in vancouver]

Heavenly Rare Magician

I feel very special now . . .

I am with Fran, I can do the spa thing but DON'T touch my feet. If I was a rare magician, I would make a nap room appear at my office.

[Josh]

I agree with the finger-wagging posters who write that you need to stop speeding. I generally "never" drove very fast, but when gas was going up to $2.00/gallon (how quaint that seems now), I slowed down, and I've never sped back up. In my view, someone has to be the slowest car on the road, and it usually is me. I do speed up the infrequent times I am passing someone slower and am blocking the left lane--I'm not going slowly to punish anyone, just to save on gas and make driving on the Interstate less anxiety-inducing.

It's too bad there was nothing in this post that made me go batshit crazy, as I have other times this week. But, then, I still have that pregnant homeless person in my apartment, and I'm still pissed off about that. She asked me for money this morning so she and my son could get tattoos to celebrate one of his other friend's birthday. I told her that he is not allowed to get one, unless it says "Mom." My ex-wife, to whom I spoke for a rare occasion today, was not amused. I wonder when the last time was that she was amused by me. I did give a Wednesday deadline for my houseguest to be out, so Thursday's blog will be a status check for me.

[Margaret Maron]

All those how-to-write books advise getting in an hour of writing time while your little ones nap. I usually napped then, too.

Yawns and kisses from
ARRANT RAMBO GEM
or
GERMAN AMIGO

[Joshilyn Jackson]

I need to get "Not NAPALM ARM" on my not to do list. Sounds important to not do.

[peach]

KINDLIER SABOTEUR CHEAPENS: Apparently when I'm off to blow up something, I'll be sure to be kind to anyone whom I meet along the way, but cheaply of course.

[Becky Hutchison]

I tried my first, maiden and last name (which is also my signature); my first, middle, maiden and last name; and just my first and last name...they all began with CHUBBY. Arrgghh!

So I typed in my nickname (Becky), my middle name and my last and found out I was LETHARGIC...which is totally true right now, since my son texted me with some info for parents weekend (where I am right now) at ** 4 AM **, and I couldn't go back to sleep.

A spa would be heavenly right now...

Fun post, Cornelia!

[mary lynn reed]

mine has potential...
RANDY 'N' MERELY

[Reine, Revenger of Inhumane Negatives]

Hahahahaha! Cornelia, this blog has saved my day. I awoke to a message of censure from my support group. Sobbing - as I am really HUGELY sensitive - I crawl to my computer. I find here these great comments and a wonderful reframing of my identity by you and Maryann! So I am totally sewing the capes right now! Kendall says he loves you. Woof! U..U

[Brunonia]

I tried different names and like them both: I am either BRAINY OR A BURN, or if I use all three names I'm YARD OR BARBARIAN NUNS. I rather like the idea of barbarian nuns, it resonates on a profound level.

I want to go to the spa! It will be the perfect antidote to BEA. Anyone care to join this barbarian nun?

[judy merrill larsen]

Um, okay, I got: SMELL LARDY INJURER

I don't like.

[gaylin in vancouver]

Reine - I have no idea what a message of censure is or why they hell a support group would give you one but this Heavenly Rare Magician will take them on!!

I just woke up from a nap, my couch works really well as a nap surface, I test it almost daily.

[Storyteller Mary]

Gaylin, I tested my futon for "nappability" also . . . Now that we're both rested, let's take on that so-called support group!!

[Storyteller Mary]

I heard frogs today! Spring is here, the world is beautiful!

[Reine, Revenger of Inhumane Negatives]

Gaylin and Storyteller Mary, you are great!, I totally love you both. MWAH!

[Fran]

Brunonia, if I'd known you were going to be a nun too, I'd've been more open to it! Still, one assumes that a FELL RARE NUN might very well be a BARBARIAN NUN (or maybe I just mean to be fell, but rarely succeed?) but in any case, I now feel like I'm in grand company!

[Karen in Ohio]

Cordelia, you aren't driving the Porsche from your books, by any chance? Enough with the turbocharged speeding fines, my dear!

Wish I'd been able to stop by earlier. My generated anagram is awesome: SILK-LIKE WOMAN AROUSES Woohoo!

[Aimee]

Okay, I know I am late to the anagram party, but I love mine. Aimee Elizabeth Parrott anagrams to:

Amaze the irritable poet.

Yes, indeed.

[vibram five fingers]

Everything else on the box is pretty much in Urdu.