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February 08, 2011

It's the Year of the Rabbit!

It's the Year of the Rabbit

By Me, Margie

Images Salut!  Finally, a year that sounds like fun.  We are almost a week in to the Chinese New Year celebration, and it's about time for a happy one.  Rats, Pigs, Dogs - give me a break.  I deal with those every day on the train.  I don't need them as a theme.

Rabbits, on the other hand, are great.  First off, me and my cousins went straight to The Pink Pussycat. Turns out, someone is always improving on a good thing, so we all got new ones.  Except for Rita, who got a dolphin because she is completely gone on this sea thing.  At least we talked her into a waterproof one.  Sometimes, people just don't think things through.

Sex-and-the-city-rabbit-vibrator Which reminds me of some serious advice many of you need to hear from someone who knows. Okay - I don't know, but my cousin Carol does.  Long time TLC readers may remember that my cousin Carol forgot to ask for a private TSA screening of her carry on bag, and had the fabulous experience of seeing two of the Aunts go completely red in the face when they looked up to see Carol's vibrator being waved around.  We are still not sure what upset them the most. It may have been that it was a color not found in nature.

You'd think that girl would learn.  But no.  Carol ended up in the hospital having unexpected surgery, and her MOM went to her apartment to get her toiletries and stuff.  Uh-oh.  She was still screaming when I got there.  I wasn't sure what the hell happened because she was incoherent when she called me.  They always call me.  Not sure why.

Let's just say Carol and her boyfriend are very techy.  Kind of like those people who have to have the new smartphones just because they are new.  I tried to explain it that way to the Aunts.  See, by the time I got Carol's Mom, Aunt Elena, settled down, other Aunts arrived.  They must have some kind of 911 phone tree system.  Either that, or they've developed some kind of spyware that allows them to hear everything any of the cugina say to each other.

They weren't buying it.  Thank heaven they found a box of gloves right off the bat, because those women make the FDA look like muppets.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  The Aunts should be running things. 

There was a lot of whispering going on, which I think was designed to sound judgmental and appalled, but instead was clearly wisecracks about Carol's boyfriend and his, uh, blood pressure. One thing about the Aunts - they don't hear so good, so even their whispers are loud.

So here is the moral of the story.  Everyone needs a Designated Recon System.  I say system because you have to have a back up.  I mean, what if you get arrested and your first DR is with you?  Bad news for bunnies.  Because if you don't think at least one of those Aunts has figured out how to take photos with her phone, you would be so, so wrong. We know this because the Uncles were actually pointing and laughing at Carol and her boyfriend in the parking lot after church.  P.S. As if we're not friends with the staff at the Pussycat and they don't know a crew of Uncles when they see them try to sneak in.

Here is your resolution for the Year of the Rabbit.  Get a Designated Recon system in place.  Have at least one back-up.  Your Mother will thank you.  Happy New Year!

 

 

 

 

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"A good friend will come to your funeral, send flowers, and cry harder than anyone else.

A REAL friend will go to your house, pull your computer hard drive, run a power drill through it, smash it to bits with a hammer, and turn it into sludge with acid while shredding all home made DVD's and crushing USB drives."

(Current forensic geek humor)

When you reach a certain age, your perspective changes. I’m at the point where I’m like the 91 year old guy in a nursing home who calls his friend and tells him he has gotten an STD. “What are you going to do?” the friend asks. “I’m doing it right now,” the man answered happily. “I’m calling everyone I know.”

My Dearest Cugina Margie,

Thanks for taking me to the Pussycat store. I LOVE the bunny you and Rocco picked out for me. Why didn't anyone tell me about this before? It would have made the convent a much nicer place. This Year of the Rabbit thing is GREAT! Why don't we Italians have something like that? We could have the Year of the Pepperoni and the Year of the Cannoli and the Year of the Capicolla...

Now, about the aunts... I heard Nonna Sophia tell Nonna Maria that your Ma found out where you hide your - uh - UPS Packing Slips. And THEN I heard my ma give your ma the address of Holy Angels Convent. This is SO not good.

Just saying.

Love,
Cugina Rosie

Ah, Margie. I've been to a couple of websites dealing in Chinese astrology, but nowhere -- I mean, nowhere -- did I get this kind of information on the Year of the Rabbit.

You're the Italian Wikipedia, aren't you?

It ain't sex, but...my stepfather was an elected official in a small town in Pennsylvania. He died suddenly in the middle of the day, and the paramedics immediately called me, as next of kin. But as we were speaking on the phone, the caller mentioned that the town attorney was already at the house. Huh? I've always wondered if he was looking for the "other" set of town records.

Sheila, that's a wonderful plot!

I'd have to send someone into my closet. I've actually (sadly) thought about it. And straighten my dresser drawers. Ahhh. The shoes.

OH, I thought the Rabbit was some kind of wine-opener thing. LIke, product placement.

LOL! Hank. Oh, goodness.

You, Margie, can always be counted on for the most practical advice. Thanks for the public, er, service.

Wait.

Did you see where the new big thing is sex education for old people? Cause nobody taught them anything when they were young, and so nobody knows what the hell they're doing? Or where and how to do it? This is SAD, but now maybe there's hope that an entire generation will finally start raising rabbits. At retirement centers, they could have a great Designated Recon System to rush into action before the sons and daughters get there. "Quick! Marge's room! Bottom drawer of her bedroom bureau! Before her daughter gets here!"

Hippity hop, people, hippity hop!

Nancy, the grandkids would be saying, "Way to go Grandma!" while the kids would be horrified. :-)

I just had a flash of my grandmother (who had the standard dementia rather than Alzheimer's) running down the hall of her nursing home with a vividly colored 'rabbit' in her hand. That really makes me LOL!

I'm all for the concept of Designated Recon Systems...unfortunately, I keep thinking I need to throw things away the moment I feel any medical emergency coming on.I don't, but I wonder if I should. That tactic does not however help with the "hit by a bus" scenario. I just have to trust that my daughter, who would possibly be surprised but I doubt it, would need to beat my sister, who might have an attack of some kind, to the drawers. Failing that, Chuck just might put them in a garage sale! Thanks Margie :o) Maybe I'll just get a small fireproof case and then hide the key...oh wait...then I'd have to remember where I put the key. And at my age...

Very good advice, Rita!

Sadly the only helpful device I will probably need is the Life Alert System.
In any case, the only SOS I would be sending the timeworn "I've fallen and I can't get up..praise the Lord"!

OOPs, sorry..Dementia has already set in..that should have been sorry, Me, Margie.

Not only do I NOT want my dark & naughty secrets hidden, I've made sure that if they get found by snoopy relatives, they'll REALLY have something to talk about. There may even be a few heart attacks.

It's that whole "he who laughs last" thing.

Pam, haha! I'll bet that's so true about the kids vs. the grandkids, although the article about Elder Sex Ed does say that young people say they expect to have an active sex life when they're old, but they are aghast at the thought of their own grandparents doing it. Hee.

Reading this I was reminded of something I read, "The Mossad does not answer 'no comment' because no comment is a comment."

I did help a friend sell a deceased relation's Playboy collection. The two most valuable issues were both worth selling because of the interviews, not the pictures. Madeline Murray and Anita Bryant.

My grandfather had a junkyard. We found the nose cone of a "rocket ship" one day. Found more than a few pot pipes too.

Margie, I told you, if anything happens--God forbid--I will firebomb your house before Nana and The Aunts get there. But only if you stop the smarty-pants comments about me and my choice of male companionship, because sailors know how to make things go bang, and I don't just mean on the high seas, ha ha ha.

But before the firebomb, I'm going in and helping myself to your boots. For my trouble, and it's not like you're gonna need them, ha ha ha.

I'm just saying.

Love,
Cousin Rita

The Church has finally caught up with the times.
The iphone will soon have an App for confession. It guides your examination of conscience but you must receive absolution from an actual priest.
Supposedly your privacy it guaranteed and no one will be able to hack your list of sins..,good luck with that!!

Nancy's comments about Elder Sex Ed reminded me:
Many years ago when I was a senior in high school, my mother and I and one of my younger sisters were running around doing errands one Saturday afternoon in January. Before going home we decided to detour by one of the town beaches. Mom and my sister and I were sitting in the car looking at the water when one of us spotted an elderly couple strolling along on the sand, holding hands. My sister and I thought it was "so cute". Then we noticed that they were, of all people, our GRANDPARENTS! (Our mom's parents.) We got out of the car and called over to them. I think it was my sister who said to them that it was "cute to see people your age holding hands." At the time they were both around 80. Both of them were amused by our reaction; our grandmother laughed at us and said "What? You didn't think Grandpa and I were sweethearts?"

I have done nursing home visits as a volunteer and I've really not understood why so many couples do not share the same room. If my grandparents had both ended up in a nursing home at the same time, I really do think they would have insisted on being in the same room.

Deb, I've also been puzzled by that, and I've heard of couples refusing care because they don't want to be separated.

Thank heavens we have Me, Margie's view on this Year of the Rabbit thing. Now I don't have to worry what to do next.

Merry Rabbit Year, everyone!!

You, Margie! Here I thought the Year of the Rabbit was going to be a kinder, gentler, more peaceful year because the year of the Tiger is fading away, and there would be less war, more cooperation, less selfishness, greater prosperity. It never occurred to me that it would be because there would be a new, um, model on the market.

You're the best for reminding me of priorities. Don't let the Aunts get you down.

Thanks for your efforts to fix this problem.

the year of the rabbit. you put a whole new spin on it! lol

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