The Inner Peace Pal
Want inner peace? Well, do I have the solution for you!
I was a naïve newbie to Facebook when I first discovered the path to inner peace. One day I was reading Facebook comments when my eyes were drawn to the ad at the side of the page. It read “Today only! All 39-year-old women get 25% off on purses!” And I thought, Wow! How cool is that! What an amazing coincidence that there’s an ad for women my age! This must be my lucky day! (all right. It wasn’t 39. But let’s pretend). It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that Facebook knew my age and just about every other fact about me and put that ad there to seduce me.
Facebook also must have known that I was on deadline, being treated for high blood pressure, and freaking out in my totally disorganized office, because a few days later a new ad appeared: The Inner Peace Pal (not the real name, but not all that different either) promised to help me find the calm buried deep within myself. I was suckered in once again. I clicked on the ad and went to a lovely site that told me how the The Inner Peace Pal could help me.
The Inner Peace Pal was a little program I could download on my computer to gently remind me to center myself throughout my workday. I could set it to send me the reminders every hour or every half hour or every ten minutes. Whatever I wanted. Well, I wanted inner peace in a big way, so I set the IPP to send me a reminder every five minutes.
Yes, you’re right. This was not a smart move.
The first twenty second reminder came as I was working on the manuscript for my most recent novel, The Lies We Told. The IPP dimmed my monitor screen with a pretty picture and suggested I shut my eyes and take in a few deep breaths, noticing how my lungs filled and emptied, filled and emptied. In and out. Ahh. Very nice.
Back to the manuscript, in which a category five hurricane was destroying Wilmington, North Carolina.
Five minutes later, the screen dimmed and the IPP suggested I shut my eyes and focus on the present moment, which I did. I felt the soft warm air on my arms and heard the chirping of birds through my open window. Lovely. This was nice.
My characters were doing this Doctors Without Borders type work in the airport, treating the victims of the hurricane. Helicopters filled with the wounded were landing every minute on the tarmac, and the life and death battle to save the injured was--
The screen dimmed. The Inner Peace Pal suggested I think about standing above a peaceful valley, stretching to the sky.
There was a little 'x' in the corner of the IPP screen and I hit it. I'd skip just this one reminder so I could get back to my manuscript. Maybe I should have set the IPP for every ten minutes, I thought. Or twenty. But I couldn't take the time to fiddle with it now.
Back to the helicopters. I’d created a romantic triangle between three of my characters and they were sweaty and tense, working in impossible conditions while their emotions were heating up and—
The screen dimmed. Focus on your internal organs, the Pal suggested. Think about all that is going on inside of you.
Ack!
I hit the x.
That was it. I had to turn the program off. Only it wouldn’t turn off. No matter what I did, every five minutes it would try to calm me down. I went into the control panel of my computer and clicked on the “remove program” icon and removed the Inner Peace Program altogether.
Finally, peace. Back to work.
One of the helicopters landed, and despite the tension between them, my characters worked together to slide a patient onto a stretcher. They raced toward the airport, hoping they weren't too late to--
The screen dimmed.
I screamed.
I turned off the computer. Turned it back on. Five minutes later, the Pal told me to close my eyes and imagine I was floating in the air.
I told it to go @%#$ itself.
It took a couple of emails to the Pal’s inventor to rid my computer of the Inner Peace Pal.
So need Inner Peace? Stick to a yoga class and lemon ginger tea. Or just give in to your Inner Freak-Out. That’s what I’m going to do.
Is that an HP 1320? That would probably give many of the writers on here inner peace.
Posted by: Josh | January 21, 2011 at 05:07 AM
Hah! This reminds me of the cartoon of two vultures sitting in a gnarled tree. One says to the other: "Screw patience. I'm going to kill something."
Great photo of you in your natural habitat!
Posted by: Kathy Reschini Sweeney | January 21, 2011 at 06:15 AM
OMG, that is such a short story!
My thoughts on your office: Your dog is adorable, and if you schooch that globe closer, you can grab it between your feet and do sitting leg lifts. Because we all want nicely toned legs, right?
Posted by: Ramona | January 21, 2011 at 08:00 AM
I'm cracking up! I SO know what you're talking about! Except the interruption is often my husband or my mother on the phone. Good thing I don't keep a gun in my desk!
Posted by: nancy martin | January 21, 2011 at 08:00 AM
Ah, grasshopper. Be one with the manuscript.
My two most recent books deal with the science side of enlightenment – the stuff they are doing with fMRIs is terrifying. The technology currently exists to hit people with a low grade electro-magnetic blast which will completely change their personality – sometimes permanently. But the notion that some government agency could fire a mood altering ray gun in your direction is pale when compared to attending a large gathering of New Age weirdoes.
The conmen and charlatans, dressed in Birkenstocks and snacking on organic granola, are hawking stuff that is dubious at best and harmful at it worse. “For only $29.97…”
Posted by: Rod Pennington | January 21, 2011 at 08:37 AM
Cornelia, thank you for helping me start off my day with a laugh! I've always been afraid to click on those ads - now I know why :)
Posted by: Kerry | January 21, 2011 at 09:21 AM
Diane, this is the best laugh I've had all week! Thanks!
Posted by: Deb | January 21, 2011 at 09:26 AM
Rod: There are people who are into New Age, who dress in Birkenstocks and snack on organic granola who are as sane and honest as the day is long. Some of them hang out here as a matter of fact.
Just because someone is not like you, does not make them less than you. Grasshopper.
Posted by: Ramona | January 21, 2011 at 09:29 AM
Ramona: I was referring to the people who abuse all those sane and honest New Age people with questionable products such as the item Diane mentioned above.
I have no problem with New Agers. It is conmen that feed on their good nature and use their desire for personal growth to turn a quick buck I don't like.
Posted by: Rod Pennington | January 21, 2011 at 09:44 AM
Rod, could you post yesterday's essay to your Fb account? I would love to share it with credit. I may end up on the wall anyway.
BTW Diane Lane in a black teddy would look a lot like this: http://media.photobucket.com/image/diane%20lane%20black%20teddy/novabrian/diane-lane-picture-6.jpg
Ah grasshopper, welcome to the wonderful world of spyware. This would also be time to mention not clicking on downloads from Facebook.
Now, how to remove Inner peace: Download the Revo Uninstaller, http://www.revouninstaller.com/revo_uninstaller_free_download.html the free version is perfect. Start Revo Uninstaller. Find inner peace and remove with the moderate setting. Reboot and restart the hurricane.
Big Al, Super Daddy, Pizza Dude, 'puter geek. I'm going to need bigger business cards.
Posted by: Alan P. | January 21, 2011 at 09:46 AM
Alan P. I'll put it up on my FB. If anyone wants a laugh, I've been posting cartoons about the writing life, Zen, Relationships, etc. Click my name below to get there.
Remember: A warped sense of humor is a terrible thing to waste.
After the Daine Lane photo; I'm going to need a cold shower.
Posted by: Rod Pennington | January 21, 2011 at 09:56 AM
Lol! Nothing like someone nagging you to find your inner peace to bring out the homicidal killer in all of us.
I want your dog. Is he/she your editor? It looks like he's reading over your pages.
Posted by: Laura (in PA) | January 21, 2011 at 10:06 AM
Alan, thanks for the Revo. My netbook still thinks I need MacAfee, when it's been replaced by Kaspersky, and it won't leave the premises. Maybe this will help.
No comment on obsessions about unattainable women.
Yikes, Diane! That sounds like a nightmare. But your floor looks exactly like mine does when I'm in the middle of a project.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | January 21, 2011 at 10:10 AM
Hilarious hilarious hilarious..I just read the whole thing out loud to my producer (with the full dramatic reading it calls for so perfectly), and she's laughing too..
Posted by: Hank Phillippi Ryan | January 21, 2011 at 10:21 AM
Oh, Diane, that's hilarious! But what I love most about your post is the photo of you in your office. So calming to see a writer as messy as I. Of course, I do the exact same thing with my hard copies, but I'm really admiring the pink.
Posted by: Nancy Pickard | January 21, 2011 at 10:25 AM
Actually, Diane, you should send this idea to Stephen King. Sounds perfect for him to do his magic, lol. Just insist on an acknowledgement at the very least.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | January 21, 2011 at 10:30 AM
Oops. Sorry to be redundant. Make that homicidal maniac.
Dang - the pressure of commenting on a blog full of writers. ;)
Posted by: Laura (in PA) | January 21, 2011 at 10:32 AM
Laura, the dog is Jet and he kindly keeps his comments to himself except for his whimpers, which begin about 90 minutes prior to dinnertime. There's actually a second dog in the picture. Can you find him in all that mess?
Posted by: Diane Chamberlain | January 21, 2011 at 10:41 AM
I was going to ask if that was another one under the desk!
Posted by: Laura (in PA) | January 21, 2011 at 10:46 AM
I'd be so at home in your work space (well, except for the whole inconvenient allergy to furry critters thing). I worked once for a proponent of empty desks, then found the answer in a little poster "If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk the sign of?"
I actually did just install a little Apimac timer on my computer and set it to tell me, every hour, "Step away from the computer. Step away from the computer. Movement is your friend." and flash on the screen "Walk, run, dance, work -- MOVE!!" We discussed in our HMOH group the importance of getting up an moving to prevent blood clots in the legs (harder to do on airplanes now, as they discourage passengers leaving their corrals . . uh, seats). This is unobtrusive and easy to turn off . . .
Posted by: storyteller Mary | January 21, 2011 at 10:59 AM
Storyteller Mary: At work I use the reminder feature on Outlook for regular reminders to get up and move. I'd be all pretzeled up without it! I recently changed the reminder from "get up and move around" to "PRETZEL ALERT! Get up and move!" It works for me, thank goodness. (Spine problems, particularly in the lower back, make it painfully difficult for me to sit for more than 15 or 20 minutes.)
By the way, Diane, I forgot to mention earlier that your workspace looks SO much like my home! Well, except for the papers on the floor - I'd be likely to slip and go flying!I have way too many projects going all at once!
Posted by: Deb | January 21, 2011 at 11:11 AM
You guys can keep your Diane Lane in a teddy. I'll take Diane Chamberlain in a blog any day. Thanks! I need some inner peace today as I fight my way to LAX.
Posted by: Harley | January 21, 2011 at 11:17 AM
Great post today. I'm still laughing. We have the same floor! I have one less dog, but he regularly reminds me to calm down. He barks (just once) for a treat every hour or so, which makes me go up and down a flight of stairs to see him (he's sixteen and can't climb anymore). He doesn't always get the treat, we need to keep his weight down because he has hip dysplasia, but we have an hourly meditation of sorts.
Posted by: Brunonia Barry | January 21, 2011 at 11:47 AM
My version of Inner Peace is the phone call I just got from DH. He was offered a job after being un- and under-employed for the past two years.
I felt the inner peace just flood my body and didn't need any computer reminder either.
Posted by: DebbraSue | January 21, 2011 at 11:47 AM
When I saw the title of your blog I thought how appropriate. Diane is such a peaceful calm lady. I expected you would be sharing your personal path to inner peace. This was so funny. Did you ever get that screen dimming nightmare off your computer? Thank you for the most wonderful laugh of the day.
Posted by: Karen in Cary | January 21, 2011 at 11:48 AM
Ah Diane, that was wonderful. Thanks for the laugh. I'm feeling much more peaceful now.
Posted by: KD Easley | January 21, 2011 at 11:48 AM
DebbraSue, what great news for you and your DH! Inner peace of the best kind. Karen, yes I got the damn thing off my computer. Otherwise, I wouldn't be sitting here in Starbucks writing. I'd be in the asylum talking to myself.
Posted by: Diane Chamberlain | January 21, 2011 at 12:05 PM
Huzzah, DebbraSue's DH!!! What good news!
The papers on the floor reminded me of the last time I tried to live with cats. They would run, jump on a pile of papers, and sllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiideeeeee across the floor.
Posted by: storyteller Mary | January 21, 2011 at 12:30 PM
DebbraSue:
Your news is fantastic and the best, most calming news that a family can receive! I wish that all of us here could take you and your hubby out to celebrate. "Feel" those good wishes that we are all sending your way!
Posted by: Deb | January 21, 2011 at 12:41 PM
Wonderful news, DebraSue!!!
Posted by: marie | January 21, 2011 at 12:42 PM
What I love is the office shot. Thank you.
Posted by: Barbara O'Neal | January 21, 2011 at 01:08 PM
DebbraSue! WOnderful!!! We're all cheering...
Posted by: Hank Phillippi Ryan | January 21, 2011 at 02:09 PM
DebbraSue, that is terrific. Been there, had the ulcer to prove it. May he stay employed for a very long time.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | January 21, 2011 at 02:25 PM
If you swapped out those two cute dogs for two equally cute basset hounds and swapped the computer hotness for an ancient steam powered computer, that would look very much like my wife's home office, except with far fewer stacks of books.
Regarding the Diane Lane photograph: As my animated friends at Warner Bros. would say "AAAHHHOOOOOGGGAAAAAHHH!!!!
Posted by: Doc In CA | January 21, 2011 at 02:26 PM
Debbra Sue, that is such good news!
Diane, this blog was so funny... thanks for a good laugh. Back when I knew Diane Ladd she was called Diane Lane, so when I heard about the Diane Lane photo, I thought, "uh? Wha?"
Posted by: Reine | January 21, 2011 at 03:19 PM
LOVE IT! Still laughing...
Posted by: Julie Kibler | January 21, 2011 at 06:01 PM
So funny, Diane. You've just reminded me of the time I checked out a porn site to see what one of my teenage characters would find. When I finished, I clicked off. An hour later, it popped up on my screen again. Indeed, it followed me home like a needy hound dog and hung around for days before it finally got the message that I wasn't going to feed it.
Posted by: Margaret Maron | January 21, 2011 at 07:34 PM
Funny and creepy, Margaret. Hope you enjoyed it!
Posted by: Diane Chamberlain | January 21, 2011 at 09:17 PM