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November 02, 2010

Too Many Steves: A Modern Fairy Tale by Me, Margie

Too Many Steves: A Modern Fairy Tale by Me, Margie*

*This tale has been rated "A" - Appropriate for All Ages and generally Awesome.

Once upon a time, there was a princess.  She was brilliant, beautiful, nice, kind, and built like a brick house.  Want to guess her name?

The Princess had many friends - both boys and girls.  The Princess also had many cousins, because she came from a big royal family who owned lots of castles with plenty of room for privacy.  The Princess knew, mainly from watching ads for politicians, that it was not a good idea to marry one of your cousins.  In fact, the Princess, who didn't miss much, figured the whole concept of the intra-famiglia amore was to blame for many stupid decisions across the globe, mostly having to do with who had the biggest weapons.  But that is a tale for another day, isn't it?

As soon as the Princess started dating - which means going out at night with someone you want to kiss and not having parents or little brothers or sisters tagging along - she realized that she needed a way to be sure she never went on a date with any of her cousins.  So she sat down with her cousin, Prince Rocco, and they hacked into the family ancestry data, and sorted out all the names of all the cousins. As luck would have it, they only needed to find the boys' names, because they were the interesting ones.  Once they had the list, they sorted it by name.It took a long, long time to print, and Prince Rocco had to pop out to the royal print shop to get more ink.  There were many, many names. Matthews, Marks, Lukes, Johns, Josephs, Anthonys, Francis', and on and on.

But there was one name missing from all the cuginos: Steve.  Badda-Bing!  We have a winner!  So both the Princess and the Prince agreed that they would choose among all the Steves, each unto his preference.

And so the Princess was very happy dating only Steves (or Stefans, or Estebans, or Etiennes, or Stevies) and the bonus was that she was never worried about calling anyone the wrong name at one of the very special times, because here is an important lesson for life:  When you are having a special kind of hug with a special friend, you might as well have someone dump an ice bucket right at the flashpoint area if you happen - totally by accident- to yell the wrong name.  Because the result is the same: game over.  Do Not Pass Go.  Do not collect 200 anything.  Or even one.

So you would think this would have a happy ending, right?  Not so much.  Because the Princess and the Prince got a little too cocky.  Which means prideful, which is a deadly sin for real.  They started dating more than one Steve at a time.  In fact, the people who worked at the Princess' office started assigning numbers to the Steves, and then some smartass put pictures up on the place where the Princess blogged, and the Steves eventually saw all the pictures of the other Steves, and it was a big messy cluster fracas and not the good kind either because boys can be totally dumb if they think they can just hit whatever's passing by but the girls are supposed to be truly one and only for them which makes no sense especially if they weren't even having special hug time or anything and what - I'm supposed to be a monk-ess or something I don't think so.

By the time the word got out around the kingdom, that the Prince and Princess were only dating the Steves, two things happened right away:

1.  The Steves who already went on a date with either of them threw a total snit; and

2.  About a hundred thousand guys showed up at the royal court house to change their names to Steve.

Sigh.  There was unrest in the kingdom (which Prince Rocco says should be called a queendom, and he is perfectly correct, as usual) and the Princess and the Prince got called into the royal chamber, where the king and queen gave them a big lecture and told them to cut the crap and maybe not go out every night any way because no one was getting any sleep with all the ruckus when they came home at a time which was also a prime number.

And so the Prince and the Princess had to go old school and just get DNA and bloodwork from their potential dates, which is a good idea because you shouldn't really believe someone if they tell you they've never had any kind of special disease because people lie especially if they want you to hug them in that special way.

And they lived happily ever after.  The end.





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Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! A HUGE TON! No one makes me laugh out loud very often- and never at midnight o'thirty! THANK YOU!!!!

I laughed so hard at this I accidentally woke my husband up. Incidentally, his middle name is Steven.

I just wonder what The Princess does in her spare time. With all THIS going on.....

Memo to Princes and Princesses everywhere: VOTE today!

Celebrate our rights - and the fact that we will, once again, have a peaceful transition of power. Yay USA!

My Dearest Cugina Margie,

I've always wondered why all your special friends were named Steve.

But, does this Steve ban apply to just you and Rocco, or all of us Mancinis? 'Cause I'm going on a retreat this weekend with Father Steve from Our Lady of the Sorrowful Virgin and I really don't want to miss it. All the sisters back at the convent were really un-sorrowful after they got back from their retreats with him. Sister Mary Angela even said she had a holy experience with Father Steve. I don't want to be missing any holy experiences with Father Steve, even though I'm not a nun anymore.

Just saying.

Cousin Rosie

PS. UPS Steve got me some special flavoring before you dumped him, so I'm making pizzelles today. Want some?

PPS. Mama asked me to ask you to ask your Mama is she coming over tonight for il Giorno di Morti? She's making gnocchi.

PPPS. If you see Rocco, ask him does he think I need one of those Amazonians or Saharians or Brazillians or whatever before the retreat???

Rosie, how many is a Brazillian?

The Secrets of the Steves now revealed, to our great enjoyment. Thanks a heap, Margie; you've been missed, hon.

Hunh, I never thought of going through the family records, but if I had I also would not have found any Steves. Good thing, since my Steve, who I've been with now for 32 years, is a keeper. And he doesn't even have a middle name, so he is "just Steve". Good stuff to know, so thanks again!

This is beautiful.

I have just a few questions.
A. what have you done with all the former Steves?
B. If they're really back on the market, is there a way for me to know which ones were your special Steves and which ones were, uh, Prince Rocco's? Because usually you can tell, but once in awhile . . . and then it ends badly.

I found another one of Those Pictures in the copier this morning.

Just saying.

Ciao Bellas!

Prince Rocco here in the flesh - waiting for the spray tan to dry -you know, of course, that you need to get the spray several days before you plan any special hugs because it can smear otherwise. No need to thank me - just call and make your appointment.

Cugina Rosie - please. We have had this discussion. I am NOT giving you any kind of wax before a church retreat. I may be a fallen away Catholic, but I do have a moral code!

To my dearest Harley - it happens to the best of us. I happen to have superb gaydar and even I am fooled every once in a blue moon. It's the really, really pretty boys you need to watch - sometimes they jump the fence. More than once. It must be very confusing. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Must dash - need to check the foils - I don't want to be too blonde!

P.S. Rosie - really, sweetie, is there any other kind of virgin?

Also - I heard the Church was going to start selling Indulgences again. That would be very convenient for me. Can you find out how much for the venial and how much for the mortal? I can't keep track of which one they think I'm doing these days.


this is WONDERFUL! Thank you!

"you shouldn't really believe someone if they tell you they've never had any kind of special disease because people lie especially if they want you to hug them in that special way." - Truer words have never been spoken.

This must be a private joke between all the tarts. Makes no sense to me at all! LOL but that doesnt mean anything, I dont understand a lot!I do know one thing and that is I am married to a Steven and my son's name is Steve, should I be worried where they are in the line of Steves?? Sorry Margie, I dont want you getting special hugs from either of them.So I shall now start calling them by their middle names to keep them safe. They are going to think I have lost my mind, but a wife and mom must do what she can for her family.I mean men arent the only ones that lie about not having special diseases now are they???

Ciao Rocco!!

I hadn't heard about the buying indulgences thing, but I do know you can earn one by going on a retreat... so this is why I need to go to this retreat with Father Steve - I need some indulgences to make up for last weekend with Father Angelo.


PS. The sin thing is complicated, but the quick reference is that a mortal sin is anything you wouldn't want your Nonna to see you doing and a venial sin is everything else.

Just saying.

This is why Cousin Rita only dates sailors named Mike.

Cousin Rita

SusanCo---You are a wise mother & wife. Keep your Steves safe!

Hi. It's Me, Margie.

Glad you liked my story, and SusanCo, these people think everything I do is a joke. Until someone has to fix the printer or the copier, or make more coffee or answer the damn phones constantly.

I wrote this story because so many people were asking about the pictures of the Steves. I mean, sure, there was UPS Steve and FBI Steve, and the other Steve, but not at the same time. Ever. Because I do not share well with others. In fact, that comment was on most of my report cards.

Rosie - I have no clue what is going on tonight. Apparently, last night someone broke into the office and made some adult kind of copies of adult kinds of things, so I called the precinct and Patrolman Steve is going to stop by later this afternoon. so I can file a report. These things can take time. Lots and lots of time. So I basically cleared my schedule for the rest of the day. Just saying.

OH, you made my day!! NOw if would could only be sure this election thing turns out to be LESS funny...xxo

The Steves are lucky guys, lol!
Have either of you ever dated a stevedore?

"Have either of you ever dated a stevedore?"

Uh oh. Someone brought up Steve Socio.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Margie!

Why didn't you tell me that Patrolman Steve is going to be searching the office? I - um - left some stuff there last weekend.

Do you think you could possibly look around the supply closet for a Roman collar and a nun's habit? No reason. Just asking.



You, Margie, have made my day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you get some special hugs for sharing your story with us!

Judas Priest, Rita! I thought we all agreed never to mention the family who shall not be named because of that thing that happened that time with Cousin Rosie which is how she ended up at that place when her mother thought that other thing.

And Rosie - NO. I am plugging my ears and singing Fa La La La LA! Me and Rocco already told you we don't want to know nothing about any of that stuff, and Rita secondeded the motion by ship-to-shore phone already so it's too late to change it.

Because I am telling you if Aunt Carmine (long story) gets wind of any of this we will never get poor cousin Regina out of that other place because of that thing with the other family we don't talk about and I think you know what I mean.

Do I have to keep track of EVERYTHING with this family? I mean, it's exhausting and I am BUSY taking care of all my Bosses who have some bug up their, uh, copier toner because of those pictures that keep showing up in the copier which I have nothing to do with because who uses copiers any more when digital is so much faster and clearer? Just saying.

1. There is only so much stuff you can stuff in the family closet, Margie, before some of it busts out. Kind of like your bra when you were eleven, ha ha ha.

2. I 'splained this a million times, he said his name was Mike and he worked on the water. He even had an ID with his name, Mike Sailor. How was I supposed to know it was a fake? I'm not a genus, and those Socios, they are not dumb.

3. Speaking of closets, if Patrolman Steve is nosing around, maybe somebody oughta move the oregano plants.

Cousin Rita

Dear Me, Margie..

I have searched my iPhone for category..Too Many Steves..is there an App for that?
Just wondering..I don't know many Steves.

You, Margie,

You really should collect all of your fairy tales and get them published.

I always wondered why you only, uh, dated Steves. Now I know to keep Dear Hubby on a short leash. His middle name is Steve.

This is just what I needed to take the bad taste out of my mouth from the campaign ads. Especially after my husband explained they do the negative ads to get people NOT to vote.

I voted this morning (take THAT, negative ad people!), and now I'm educated on the Steves, so my day is going well so far.

Thank you, thank you, You, Margie, for the fun you give us.

marie. . ."is there an App for that?"

hahaha!!! I want one.

The comment Cousin Rosie posted about venial vs mortal sins had me laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair and since I'm at work, that wouldn't do at all (paperwork, explanations, etc, etc, etc.)

Laura, if that's the case, it didn't seem to work in my precinct. Our polling place was packed, and my number, at 10:30, was already 214 in a precinct with about 600 registered voters. And they were saying there had been a record number of early voting this time around, so that's a really big turnout.

That's awesome, Karen.

This made me laugh, which helps with this truly unbelievable grim election day. I live near San Francisco so I'm still feeling the World Series glow, and this is keeping me going. The Steves I've known have been very special. Is it the name? I know the pictures would make a great calendar-oops that means more work, but I bet it would sell.

Why thank you, Miss DebbraSue. I'm glad you thought it was funny. None of the other nuns at the convent were amused, though. I can't imagine why.

Rocco, Rita - have you heard from Margie or do I have to go bail her out again?


On this especial family posting day, let us just make mentionance that our firm can handle . . . uhhh, manage, yeah, manage . . . excess, unwanted and leaking Steves (kinda like we do leaking statues). Spelling duzn't matter, any kinda Steve you don't want no more we'll Take Care Of.

Signed, respectufl-like,

I Due Cugini

I saw a Fedex truck pull up in my driveway this morning & got all excited! (was me,Margie sending me a special delivery???) Alas, he was delivering his package next door...............

Laughing my ass off. :-D

So this explains why there is always a surfeit of delivery vans and otherwise community service patrol vehicles parked outside the tart offices at any given time. :-D Dunno where all the Steves disappear to all the time...but I did find two playing poker and scoffing pizza behind the Reception area sofa in various states of dishabille. I walked away quietly. But I did swipe Patrolman Steve's parking ticket book and tore out all the Tarts parking tickets for the last month or so. :-D Me, Margie surprisingly didn't have any - in spite of her constantly parking in the no parking zone. There must be something to dating Steves after all. :-)

Thanks, Margie. I needed the laughs. Wish you could share your wisdom and humor with our poor mistreated nation . . .

Margie, I think your and Rocco's discerning discernment about the datability of cousins has been very wise. However, now that many of the Steve's have found out about the, um, population of Steve's that frequent the Tarts office, I wonder if you might want to consider doing a search for other names. For example, have you any cousins named Fabio? That might be a promising avenue for, um, socialnesses.

I've learned a lot from you today. I'd like for you to consider running for office in a future election. You would get in there and tell some of those lunkheads how to keep their feet on the ground and their heads, um, where they belong.

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