No Means No: Rape Is No Joke

No Means No: Rape is No Joke

By Kathy Reschini Sweeney

I like a good joke at least as much as the next guy.  Snark and wisecracks?  Can't get enough.  But I think we need to re-draw some basic lines.

Rape is a vile criminal act.  I'm not talking fantasy/role playing or two teenagers who can't keep their hands off each other - both are attributable to hormones and (hopefully) good sex.

Rape has nothing to do with sex; it is the manifestation of force, violence, and control over another human without their consent. Rape is an ugly, nasty business. It ruins lives.  It shatters dreams.  Even the toughest survivors never really get over it.  They claim victory because they lived, but life is never the same.

So the next time you think about cracking wise about a "slut who was asking for it" or dismiss an assault as a "boys will be boys" activity, stop it.  Just stop it.

Then imagine that you are helpless - impotent, in fact.  Maybe you submit because you are bound and unable to move. Maybe you submit because you have been told that is your best shot at survival. Either way, it's agonizing.  The panic that makes breathing impossible wars with the prehistoric survival instinct, so that the battering takes place inside in more ways than any bruise or laceration will ever show.

Imagine praying to live, then wondering if that was the right thing to plead for.  Imagine wondering if there is permanent damage that will forever change the body you are just getting to know. Imagine the guilt - the what ifs and the should have/could haves that torment you for decades even after the mere thought of a man touching you stops making you vomit.

Then, you have to repress every fiber of your being that wants to scrub it all away, so you can go to the hospital and share your recent nightmare with a bunch of strangers in lab coats.  Then you are sedated and you close your eyes and pretend you don't hear things like; "She's how old?  But she's so little" or "There is so much blood- did we miss something?" or "This one is going to leave a scar - should we get someone from plastics down here?"  And you bite your tongue to keep from asking the most important question - "Can I still have children?" because some part of your brain tells you it would be too much to take at one time.

We don't talk openly about these things.  We don't like to be uncomfortable.  We don't like the pictures that form in our heads. Believe me, I understand.

So you hide.  Sometimes behind a bottle, or sloppy clothes, or fifty pounds.  You move on and try not to think about it.  You certainly don't talk about it - because then people will look at you with either pity or suspicion or revulsion - because no one wants to think about things that are repulsive.

Too bad. Because you need to know that this is a particularly cruel experience.  Whether it is at the hands of a stranger or someone you thought you could trust, it's stunning in its devastation.

And because we still treat victims as contributors, many rapes go unreported.  Many are reported and then not pursued because re-living the terror in front of an audience is just too much to ask of a survivor, especially when at least half of the observers are looking for a way to make it someone else's fault.  Many are not reported because the victim doesn't want to be responsible for her father, or sisters or cousins or friends going to prison for murder.

This lack of closure and justice can lead to more suffering - psychological trauma, repressed rage, the inability to truly bond. Long after the rapist has taken a shower and gone about his day, the victim can't do anything to become clean.

Rapists aren't just bad boys.  Rapists are not simply guys looking to score with girls who had too much to drink.  Rapists are criminals. They are dangerous. They are depraved.  They need to be held accountable.  They don't need to be slapped on the wrist, then the back, with a wink and a smirk.

Think about it before you speak of it.  And think - hard - before you joke about it again.

And if you are a survivor, get help.  Even if you don't think you need it, talk to someone any way.

If you live in Pittsburgh, contact the Center for Victims of Violence and Crime - founded by our own friend Mary Alice Gorman of Mystery Lovers Bookshop. There is a national link there or --

To find help near you, call this number: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). 

You are not alone. You have a legacy of warriors to lean on. There is no cure, but there is triumph in living.

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[No Longer Innocent]

Thank you Kathy. That was truly empowering! It's really hard to be a 15-year-old girl dating an older guy and admit that you said no but he didn't stop. I didn't tell anyone for a long time and when I finally opened up, there was nothing anyone could do. He stole so much from me and it was awful but I did survive and I did manage to marry the man of my dreams. The wounds have healed but I doubt the scars will ever go away. Thank you.

[William]

Our scars tell us where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we go....

[Sarah]

This hits too close to home for comfort - and that's the idea. We never should become comfortable with the idea that "no means yes."

Thanks, Kathy, for your honesty and bright insight. I know this will resonate far and wide with many ages and types of women.

Need to work on that idea of blaming the victim.

[Ramona]

Good words, Kathy.

The "she's a slut who was asking for it" concept is infuriating. If a woman acts or dresses in a way that seems provocative, this means a man loses all self-control? Please. That's as insulting to men as it is to women.

I'd like to recommend a survivor's tale, written by a woman from my town who was abducted and assaulted over a period of days. I've met her a few times at writers' conferences. The book is Shattered, by Debra Puglisi Sharp.

[smr33]

I think that's why the whole Ben R. thing bothers me so much. Even among enlightened, supposedly empathetic people, there's been a strong strain of "well, she was wearing/doing/saying/drinking something that made her vulnerable." While I have always taught my daughter that it is never a good idea to place oneself in a dangerous situation, I would also strangle with my bare hands any man who forced himself upon her, in any circumstance. Because he would be inflicting violence upon her as certainly as he would if he pulled a gun or punched her with fists.

No man who is truly a man would ever, ever take advantage of a woman who says no, or is otherwise incapable of giving consent. As Jimmy Stewart says in "The Philadelphia Story," there are rules about such things, and we all need to teach our children, particularly our sons, well.

There is a strong strain of hatred for women that resonates in our culture, our media, our political discussions, and even our relationships. As women, we must stand up for one another and stop making excuses for cowardly, criminal men, and stop blaming women for violence committed against them.

I have never been raped, but I have been in situations where, but for the grace of God, I could have been victimized. I pray for all those trying to live with the pain of the crime committed against them. May they find peace and strength and the courage to live well and fully, with the all the support and comfort they need.

[judy merrill larsen]

Wow, Kathy, thank you so much for this. It's hard to read, but should be mandatory. I remember when I was in high school and first read Susan Brownmiller's book AGAINST OUR WILL for a research paper. It was incredibly powerful . . . . just like this post.

[storyteller Mary]

When I was in college in the '70's some friend did a skit of a mugging victim being asked the type of provocative questions thrown at rape victims, "Isn't it true you sometimes give $$ to charity?" "Weren't you dressed in expensive clothes?" There is never an excuse for physical attack.

During a faculty-room discussion of a particularly brutal killing of a 15-year-old woman, partying with college students way past any reasonable curfew, a friend made the point that no matter what, she did not deserve the attack, and someone else added that even the most outrageous slut could grow and change. The coach sitting close enough to hear almost choked on his lunch when I muttered, "I know I did."

[storyteller Mary]

Off now for some birthday pie . . .

[Harley]

Amen to all that.

[Karen in Ohio]

Kathy, that's one powerful piece of writing, my dear. Thank you for saying what needs to be said.

I've seen statistics that one in every three women is raped at some time in her life. That means that one third of us reading this blog has had a man forced on her body. I was one of the lucky ones. A date rape experience where the guy did not get violent (although extremely forceful), and where I managed to get home alive and without any further physical trauma. It was a hard lesson to learn, but one I tried to share with my three daughters: Never, ever trust a situation where the balance of power is not in your favor.

Rape is a uniquely male crime, for the most part. Also for the most part, women are generally of lesser stature and strength, and in a position of higher vulnerability. Cowardly is a good word for any man who takes that advantage.

[Karen in Ohio]

Happy Birthday, Mary!

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

AH, Kathy, you are amazing. Thank you.

[Alan P.]

Sadly, I have known a few rape survivors. Sadder still one girl was from when I worked at a Middle School. Her parents transferred her to religious school for high school. She was raped on that campus. As I start to write this I realize, that I am about to type a cliche that none of the writers here would get a way with in fiction. The staff members denied the girl with the torn clothes in the office was attacked at all. The boys father made a donation. The sports team's captain did it.

I hope she has been able to lead a normal life. He was on his way to law school and should be a graduate by now.

[Marcia in OK]

Thank you Kathy for saying what many of us cannot voice.

[Elaine Viets]

Brr, Alan. From rapist to lawyer -- something else I don't want to think about.
Thank you, Kathy, for an insightful blog. It's important to speak about this painful subject. In my lifetime, we've advanced from blaming the victim, at least in most cases. But we're still making too many excuses for the rapist.

[Margaret Maron]

I'm never going to say that a male "just can't help himself" past a certain point because I refuse to believe that men are unwilling slaves to their gonads, but I've never forgotten the judge who, when trying a rape case, commented to the effect that the amount of testosterone raging through a man's body is way more than was ever needed to perpetuate the race.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

I am waiting for updates on my Dad's surgery in the hospital waiting room today so I am pretty much offline and cannot reply to everyone. Nonetheless, I thank you for reading this and want my survivor sisters to know they are not alone. xo

[Cornelia Read]

Kathy, thank you so much for writing this, and I hope your dad's surgery goes wonderfully.

[marie]

Growing up as a truly naive person with no awareness skills but for the grace of God I was saved a few times from preying people.
I believe that education at a young age is key.
To anyone suffering the emotional pain of being taken advantage of my prayers are with you.
Kathy, thanks for your powerful piece. Your writing skills are spectacular.

Mary, a very Happy Birthday to you!

[marie]

Kathy, praying for a good outcome with your father's surgery.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Surgery went well. Now the real fun begins when he finds out they want to keep him.

[Marie-Reine]

Rape is not uniquely male crime.

[lil Gluckstern]

Powerful and posts, and comments. Glad your father's surgery went well. You guys never cease to amaze.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Good words Kathy and thanks to all who wrote to empower the survivors today. Be aware and be safe.

[Nancy Pickard]

So glad the surgery went well, Kathy. Great post.

Happy bday, Mary. Seems as if we've had a clump of TLC birthdays since late August.

[nancy martin]

Tough reading today---very powerful and upsetting. I find myself unable to say anything worthy of what Kathy's already written.

Hope Dad doesn't make too much of a scene in the recovery room.

[Karen in Ohio]

Marie-Reine, it's not a uniquely male crime, but a predominantly male one. And it's still almost always a matter of a stronger person dominating a weaker one.

Kathy, good luck with your dad and his recovery. Sending prayers, my dear.

[Holly Gault]

Thank you, Kathy. Powerful words.

Happy birthday, too, to Karen in OH!

[Marie]

Happy Birthday, Karen!

[mary lynn]

You're right, Kathy, the trauma never completely goes away. That's the nature of PTSD. It's been over 27 years and the oddest things still can set off an episode, like this incredibly well-written, insightful blog entry.

I was raped in the middle of the night, in my own bed by a stranger who broke in to my 2nd floor apartment. As a consequence, the most dangerous thing I can do isn't getting on the LA freeways, but going to bed and to sleep. Sleep, sleep, Macbeth doth murder sleep

I was lucky (????????) in so far as I had an incredible support system who knew how to respond. And the St. Louis Police were magnificent, from the patrol cops who turned up 90 seconds after I dialed 911 to the detectives who drove me home from the hospital and checked the building top to bottom to reassure me. This was 1983 and across the country the police response to rape victims was pretty grim, but not in STL. The patrolmen insisted that I didn't have to talk to them, they were just there to ensure my safety--a female detective was on her way.

I was living in Albuquerque 16 years later when the guy was caught--in Albuquerque. That made me seriously nuts for a while. A&E did a show on the guy and it still runs periodically. At least I KNOW that I didn’t provoke it.

[mary lynn]

Glad you Dad's surgery went well. Good luck.

[Marie-Reine]

Kathy, this is an amazing post. Thank you.

Karen in Ohio, I feel like I've been shut up.

[Ramona]

Mary Lynn, that was a very brave post. I'm glad the person was caught and that the police treated you as they did. Someday, I hope sleep is kind to you again.

[Karen in Ohio]

Marie-Reine, I hope you don't think I meant to make you feel that way, and I apologize if it sounded as if I did, because that's totally not what I meant. This is such a loaded topic; I still get wrought up when I think about the incident, and it was almost 35 years ago. Forgive me?

Mary Lynn, peace, my dear.

[Nancy Pickard]

mary lynn, he was caught in the same city where you were then living?? That gives me the chills just typing it, so I can't even imagine how shocking that was for you.

I'm so glad that everyone on here who has been raped, or anywhere near it, survived. Bless kind cops. Bless rape counselors who know what they're doing. Bless gentle medics. Bless you.

[Marie-Reine]

No, Karen, I know you didn't mean to do that. I've had my attack dismissed - for gender issues - by ANYONE I dared to tell. Woman on woman rape is rarely reported. And, I may be weak now, but I was not a quad, then.

[Karen in Ohio]

Oh, Marie-Reine. That really bites.

I wasn't thinking of two women; it was a woman imposing herself on a man that is super rare. Gack, we humans have more ways of hurting each other.

[Marie-Reine]

OK, I think I'll just go cry now.

Great post, Kathy. God bless all victims.

[mary lynn]

Marie-Reine, I won't dismiss your rape and I don't think anyone here would. Sexual violation is sexual violation regardless of the genders of the perpetrator and victim.

As a society, we've made strides in the past 40 years in recognizing rape as an act of violence and subjugation, not ardor, but we ain't done yet.

I'm sincerely sorry you had this happen and were victimized many times over by unbelievers.

[storyteller Mary]

This project was developed to encouraged bullied young gays, but perhaps the idea of it applies to all who are traumatized or hurting

http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

May we all help each other heal . . .

[Marie-Reine]

Thank you, Mary Lynn. I felt kind of safe posting that here-- not sure why. It's not really anonymous. I moved to Arizona for several reasons, but the Boston-PTSD factor was a major consideration. Now that I've read your story... ah, well I don't really think that's a problem for me. More traumatic was my friend and neighbor's rape and murder a couple of years ago.

[mary lynn]

Oh, Marie, having a friend/neighbor raped and murdered is by far worse than anything I've gone through. And you are safe here. This is a group of folks who understand crimes and victims.

I'm really OK, most all of the time. I really was lucky...people believed me, people picked me up and protected me, I never spent another night in that apartment, and the guy was eventually caught. I didn't have to testify, either and he went to prison for life.

These days I sleep pretty well next to a large and heavily armed guard who loves me very much. Lunesta also helps and only barely fries my brain.

I was in a therapy group with a young woman who suffered a date rape. Her father, a fundamentalist minister, dis-owned her because she was no longer pure. That broke my heart. My mother's reaction wasn't ideal, but she was never known for being supportive and I didn't look to her for help.

[storyteller Mary]

I'm thinking of that fundamentalist minister, if/when he faces the God he thinks he speaks for, as God asked, "I asked you to love one another. How could you turn your back on our daughter when she needed you." Just a thought, because what comes after is a mystery. I hope there were many other loving people to take up the slack.

[Marie-Reine]

Mary Lynn, it is really good to know you are okay most of the time. I tried to find a group here near where I live in Arizona, but none of the therapists in my area who specialized in trauma had a wheelchair-accessible office. The MD I'd seen at the hospital in Boston was a colleague, and was gay, and that was a problem after... but she was great. Not to expose my self too much or more important to me, my family, the one who supported me most was my ex-husband, who moved with me and shares a house with me, and we are a kind of couple again... maybe not the usual kind. He's a brilliant friend, and I love him.

[nancy martin]

I am so impressed by the strength of will here today. Ye gods, you deserve our respect and kindness.

[storyteller Mary]

Watching NCIS and remembered Ziva's remarks on women in the military not reporting rape because of career implications. Asked what she would do, she responded, "I am not like most women" and described very satisfying action, reminiscent of the "disarm rapists" slogan of the Feminist '70's. . . not that it would be a practical solution, but yay, Ziva!

[storyteller Mary]

Kathy, hope all is well with your dad. Hugs!

[Kerry]

Wow. Just, wow. Thank you Kathy, for the blog. Thank you to everyone who shared his or her thoughts and stories. Bless you all.

I am currently teaching a class on empowerment and assault prevention. Today, the assistant director of the women's center came and led a discussion of non-stranger rape. Now, I work at an urban campus with a relatively low incidence of crime around the perimeter of the university. But every one of those thefts, break-ins, muggings, etc., is reported immediately to the rest of the campus community. Much ado is made, and for good reason.

But here's the thing. Assuming that our campus meets the national average for rates of sexual assault, 2500 young women are being assaulted on campus every year. 90% of the assaults are by non-strangers. Only 10% of the assaults will be reported, and perpetrators are nearly never penalized.

We talked a lot about the critical importance of teaching children at a young age about setting and expressing boundaries, and teaching teens how to communicate openly and honestly about sexual intimacy.

Such a big topic. I love you all.

[Marianne Plumridge]

Empowering post. God bless or blessed be all who have been victims and those that care about them. You are all empowered in my view.

Bests...

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Thanks for all the good thoughts about my Dad - he has officially spent the night in the hospital (yeah, it's not really dawn, but I am calling it close enough). Everything went well. Onward to the next step!

I am so warmed by the responses to the blog. 25 years, and I am finally dealing with it in the right way. It is far to easy to deal with the trauma by letting yourself believe it happened to someone else - I mean, I don't look or act anything like that girl anymore, so maybe it wasn't really me..

As we all know, that's folly - a good, defensive folly, but still not good. Turns out you cannot really cauterize the old wounds unless you open them up again.

One thing I really love about our TLC community is that it truly has become a 'safe place' - for people who are hurting for all kinds of reasons, that is a precious gift.

xo

[Karen in Ohio]

So true, Kathy. TLC really is a gift.

Good news about your dad. I'm sending him healing vibes for a speedy and complete recovery.

[Wholesale Handbags]

So interesting it is, I like it !