Humiliation, Heartache and Corsages

HANK: May I introduce Jessica Park? I would say something hilarious and witty and wonderful about her, but I couldn't come up with anything as hilarious and witty and wonderful  as she already is.

 

 

JESSICA PARK:

 

So, dating in high school. Teen romance. Um… it’s all rather sucky, isn’t it? Yes, yes, some of us may have the occasional remarkably romantic memory, but mostly there are flashbacks involving humiliation, heartache, disastrous dates, unrequited crushes, and plain old pain. Sometimes bodily injury.

 

 

The good news is that by the time we have left high school far behind, lots of these stories have lost their total hideousness and are now funny. Hopefully.

 

 

 

 

 

My high school dating history consists mainly of stories like this one: During the spring of my sophomore year, I start dating a senior from a neighboring high school. Let’s call him S, so that we don’t have to keep hearing “Shithead” okay? Everything I know about dating at this point, I have learned from John Hughes. I know, helpful, right? The first time S takes me out, my father comes out of the house to inspect S’s Jeep Wrangler under the guise of being curious about my date’s vehicle. My father knows nothing about cars. Nothing. Yet he actually bends down and looks under the car for telltale signs that S is a serial killer.

 

 

S puts up with this inspection nicely and does not even roll his eyes. My father does not locate a machete, a shotgun, or other nefarious items in the engine. S and I go for a lavish, fancy meal at…. The Ground Round.

 

 

 

 I eat nothing except a few of his fries and a Diet Coke, indicating that I maintain my fantastic (cough, cough) fifteen-year-old body by routinely following this simple meal plan. He is not fooled and looks annoyed that I am not responding to the gourmet atmosphere of such a fine eatery.

 

 

 

 

Conversation is stilted and stupid because I am not Molly Ringwald and am not able to make witty banter due to loss of all brain capabilities.

 

 

The main problems were as follows: 1. S was super cute. Curly blond hair, tall, adorable. I am shell-shocked I am out with him and rendered mute. 2. Not eating and feeling faint does nothing to stimulate smart, funny thinking on my part. 3. Being afraid of looking like an idiot makes me clam up and look like an idiot. Cycle repeats itself all evening. However, the date was not an utter failure, since S, a horny high school senior, wants to make out with me in his Jeep. Done! So all in all, that first date was not horrible.  

But it went drastically downhill from there. Nothing to talk about, me being tense and not myself, him angling for all the things H.S. seniors angle for…

 

Toward the end of our lengthy (meaning two-month) relationship, S picks me up wearing (I’m not making this up) vile green hospital scrubs for pants. I have no idea why. He was not a surgeon. At least, I don’t believe he was. He wasn’t that bright.

 

 We drive around that night and somehow end up “parked” in some unintelligent location. Conversation remains torturously unnatural, and I realize that our most successful moments do not involve talking. In a moment of panic, (or a courageous attempt to save this failing relationship?) I fling myself forward for an enthusiastic and passionate kiss. I somehow manage to draw blood, and S is—not surprisingly—displeased. I want to die. (Important side note: I suspect that I had a premonition that this whole vampire/blood infatuation thing would take off twenty years later. Should have cashed in early.)

 

Later, stupid S takes me home and, for some reason, still wants to kiss me goodnight, despite the obvious danger of doing so.S stands up, and his bizarre scrubs-for-pants fall to the ground. We are standing in the middle of the street, and he has on tremendously un-cute boxer shorts.

 

 I find this to be delightful karmic retaliation for his unkind response to my earlier blood-producing kiss. Overall, the night is extremely weird, and things fade out from there… I cry for weeks and listen to Cutting Crew’s “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” 9000 times. (In retrospect, that nauseating song was quite possibly the cause of my tears…)

On the flip side, the guy I dated during my senior year, J, was completely sweet. And I never made him bleed. (At least, not that I know of.) Also, I had learned to behave like an actual human being and not a closed-mouthed dummy. J was very smart (later went to Brown) and funny (had fantastically good jokes about “imitation crab”), and even took me to the prom despite the fact that I wore a strapless bubble dress and had on orange (you read that correctly) eye shadow.

 

 

Girls always have plenty of juicy stories of nightmare high school romances, but what about the guys? My friend JT told me, “Let’s just say that one of my worst moments involved a formal banquet, a corsage, a bloody boob, and a ruined $300 dress.” A kindred spirit! I just knew I couldn’t be the only person to draw blood! Yes, I am dying for more details, too, but this teasing tidbit was all I got from him. I am trying to be respectful of his pain.Another friend, JM, revealed: “I was sixteen or seventeen, and I had just broken up with my first girlfriend. She started dating the drummer in my band. They lost their virginity to each other. Then when my drummer wanted to sleep with someone else, the ex started dating the bassist in the band. The story continues, but into college…” Oh, my. Well, that blows. See? Guys have it rough, too!

 

 

Even when teen romance goes awry, there is no denying that high school dating is intense. All those stupid hormones flying around, overpowering emotions making the smallest incident take on monumental meaning… It’s not always fun to live through, but from a writer’s perspective, it’s a dream. So that is one of the reasons that I wrote RELATIVELY FAMOUS. If you’re going to deal with the trauma of dating, you might as well be surrounded by the Hollywood hills… Helps to often the blow and whatnot.

 

 

Thank you to the ladies of The Lipstick Chronicles for having me! I’d love to hear your high school dating stories… Bring ‘em on!

 

Jessica Park

 

**************************************

About RELATIVELY FAMOUS: High school freshman Dani McKinley's world is rocked when she finds out that she is the daughter of B-list actor and notorious womanizer Mark Ocean. Mark is all too eager to get his acting career back on track, so he follows his agent's advice about cleaning up his image and invites his "new" daughter to spend the summer with him. Armed with credit cards, club memberships, and a new wardrobe, Dani spends the summer navigating the foreign culture of Hollywood. Her new friends school Dani in everything from attaching hair extensions to managing the paparazzi. She meets Jason, a gorgeous young personal trainer who is easy on the eyes and wildly flirtatious . . . But is this smug hottie the one for Dani? Or will she ignore her friends' eye rolling and go for Nate, the goofy but sweet surfer? Even tougher than all the new social pressures, is the challenge of trying to deal with her father. What Mark Ocean has in wealth, he sorely lacks in parenting skills. The fatherly interest Mark feigns has everything to do with charming the public and virtually nothing to do with connecting with his daughter. Dani desperately tries to teach her father that being a dad is not just about supplying her with Prada bags and trips to movie premieres, and the result of the clueless actor's attempts at fatherhood is both funny and heart-wrenching. Follow Dani and Mark while they struggle to figure out what it means to be father and daughter, and as they navigate their own complicated love lives. Humor, tears, heartache, and teen angst will leave you aching to see how their dilemmas are resolved.

 

About Jessica Park: Jessica is the author of five Gourmet Girl mysteries (as Jessica Conant-Park) and RELATIVELY FAMOUS is her first young adult novel. When not writing, Jessica is searching cable for reruns of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," pining over aging 80s rock stars, and drinking Coolattas from Dunkin'. Stop by her website ( http://yaauthorjessicapark.blogspot.com ) or find her on Facebook ( http://www.facebook.com/Jumby24 )

RELATIVELY FAMOUS is available for paperback and Kindle purchase through Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Relatively-Famous-Jessica-Park/dp/1453645640/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1280493585&sr=1-8 ) and also for other e-reader downloads through Smashwords, Barnes and Noble, and other online sites.

Comments

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Wow! Your timing is spooky!

I've spent the last couple of weeks getting caught up with my high school sweetheart and re-living some of the roller coaster times. When one is 17, every moment is the most important thing in the world. I remember feeling as if I would stop breathing if we couldn't see each other. Exhausting in many ways, but I would be lying if I didn't admit I'd love to feel that way again.

Jessica is hilarious - we are FB friends and she always has something witty so say, so go 'friend' her and she will keep you amused - thanks for visiting TLC!

[Karen in Ohio]

Omigod, high school. You couldn't make me go back there for billions of dollars. But Jessica, you make it sound like way more fun than it was!

[Nora]

High School! Yuck! I never really dated. I was way too busy flirting with track & field boys from other towns (translated...other outcasts)...went to their HS dances and was know to even ride my bike MILES on the chance to see them. How cool, NOT! As you can imagine my fascination with out of town boys did not fare well with the homies...I was screwed to begin with as I threw the discus and working in a libray. Such a feminine creature! So, I solved my dating dilema by becoming a radio groupie at a nearby college radion station and met and dated my future husband. Hey, he ALWAYS played Chaka Khan when I asked! It truly was the last crazy thing I did. Mom was sure he was an axe murder...but so far, no axe! Just 4 kids, which could be easily be compared to an axe in the head...somedays...So, that's why I read other's accounts of high school...much more interesting. Jessica is also a FB friend...listen to Kathy & me (?) She is tremendously witty and insightful..so follow her, or else!

[Alan P.]

I graduated early from high school so at 17 I was a college freshman. There were two disastrous dates in HS. I asked the nice girl down the block to the movies. We saw that wonderful, funny, romantic movie, "Alien". She even went out with me once more, to a youth group meeting. Her boyfriend at the time was less than thrilled.

One day, about eight years later, I called her and asked if she would want to go out again. That was to the Muny to see "Fiddler on the Roof, July 17, 1987. We have been married now for 20 years. Maybe this is not such a disaster story after all.

There was another girl who I went out with for a while when I was in college. She was in high school. Her father thought I was great. I thought his daughter was wild and hot. The only problem was she lived in Missouri where the age of consent was 17 and I lived in Illinois where it is 18. Going back to my dorm room may have involved a Federal felony somewhere on the bridge. It was worth it at the time.

[Nancy Pickard]

My first love was a year younger than I, and I caught him right at the moment he turned gorgeous and didn't yet know he was. I was NOT gorgeous, so we were an odd pairing. My mom calls him the most handsome boy she ever saw, and I'm pretty sure she's right. He was shy and humble, and did sweet sentimental things like make me a music box that played a love song. Ack, I can't believe I can't remember the love song! We lasted two years, until I got bored and moved on to less nice boys, ha. I saw him a few years ago and he was still movie star handsome, and happily married, and all I felt was happy for him. I didn't wish I'd kept him, although I'll bet he's a great husband.

Welcome, Jessica!

[Margaret Maron]

Oh come on, Nancy. When were you not gorgeous? I bet your high school picture rivals Rachel Maddow's. Delightful post, Jessica.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Alan - the well-played Mann Act zinger is a rare thing of beauty.

[Nancy Pickard]

Margaret, I had a nose to rival Pinochio's and spotty skin and no boobs and. . .believe me, he was blinded by my Older Woman aura, lol.

[Jessica Park]

I think the only way to look back on high school dating without curling into a ball and crying, is to be able to laugh at the disasters. I mean, we all have them, right? Misery loves company... Misery loves laughing at company!

Oh, I just love all of these stories you are sharing! Some end well, some do not, but they all pull at the heart...

[Dru]

high school romance? what's that? Don't ever want to relive it again.

[xena]

My first official date was in that peacock empire dress! I swear I even had the matching dyed pumps!
Peter Anton invited me to the ROTC banquet. His mother drove us down to Homestead Air Force Base in her beat up old station wagon and slept in the car waiting for us while we ate and the awards were given out.
Yes I got a corsage but a wrist one and no blood was drawn on either side.
No kiss at the door either as his mom was watching. I'd see him at school but there were no fireworks.
I think I was just arm candy.
He did look mighty handsome in that uniform. I know some of us prefer a man out of uniform but for me there was no awkwardness about it. Well except for the part about him not calling EVER again. Were we all chained to our pink princess telephones back then?

[Becky Hutchison]

Welcome, Jessica. I remember very little of high school...thank God! But I love reading your stories and the TLC backbloggers tales of teen angst.

Your new book definitely sounds fun. Why didn't people write cool stuff for teenagers when I was one? I really got tired of the student nurse, graduate nurse, navy nurse, etc., series and famous people biographies, so I started sneaking my older sisters' books. I thought I was so cool reading VALLEY OF THE DOLLS and PEYTON PLACE.

[Jessica Park]

Xena, a ROTC banquet sounds rather glamorous! An arm candy story is not the worst, although the no-calling deal afterwards sort of stinks.

Thank you, Becky! RELATIVELY FAMOUS is a really fun read. I tried to balance Dani's teen stuff with the more serious storyline with her father. While there is plenty of humor, parts of the new father/daughter relationship is pretty painful. The ready gets plenty of insight into Mark's life, so I think it's a good read for adults as well as teens. Something for everyone in this book!

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Yes, Becky, those little blue biographies!

Dating in high school. Horrible. Horrible. I never had dates, I was geeky and an outcast. Voted "Most Individual," to my undying mortificaton.

Once I did have a double date, with my hearthrob lab-partner, Mark S. At one point, the other couple (let's call them A and B) went to do something, can't remember what, leaving Mark and me in the car! Here it comes, I thought. He's going to kiss me!

He didn't.

Later person B told me that had been the plan, to leave us together for a bit of smooching, but when it came time, Mark "couldn't bring himself to kiss you."

[Amy]

Hmmph. High school. Gah. Thank god for the sex or I would have lost my mind.

[Harley]

Jessica, we are soul sisters. I too search cable every day for the BUFFY reruns. When possible, I plan my day around them. This despite the fact that I have all seven seasons on DVD. You can borrow them if you like. E-mail me.

Also, I like the plot of your book and just want to go on record as saying that if any man wants to adopt me (no, I don't think I'm too old) I'm fine with your parenting skills being confined to supplying me with Prada bags.

[Jessica Park]

@Amy, HA! @Harley, I'm still traumatized by the end of Buffy. Sniff, sniff. Poor SMG will never be anyone else to me. Unfortunately, I have nice parents (damn them!) so cannot seek out wealthy adoptive father to send me beach clubs and movie premieres. Next life...

[marie]

Hi, Jessica!
High School for me was school uniforms, study, study, study and trying to maneuver the social world on Sunday night.
Sunday night dances in the basement of the church hall were a challenge to overcome the dreaded no boyfriend syndrome.
The big busted girls all had boyfriends.
The small breasted, socially inept girls such as myself stared across the room at potential people to be paired off with.
Boys wore white shirts an ties and they were mostly sick and tired of meeting up and staring at girls across the room.
Mercifully, the last song of the evening was played.
"Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go" by the Macguire Sisters and that was the cue to go with your proverbial tail between your legs and trudge home alone.
Next week the scene would be repeated..sit, stare and then the angst of analyzing why you couldn't measure up without the aid of a padded bra.

[Ramona]

I loved Cutting Crew! Big crush on that blond lead singer.

I had fun in high school, and a boyfriend for two years of it. But I was such a goody two-shoes, I didn't get why some people thought our school mascot--the Trojans--was funny. (Yeah, I've come a long way.) But I wouldn't go back. I don't even go to reunions.

RELATIVELY FAMOUS sounds like a fun read, Jessica. Mark Ocean is a great name, too.

[marie]

After, my pathetic dating life in high school I finally met the man of my dreams who favored small busted women.
Flash forward to today, when after 46 years of marriage the bust has been busted and now we talk of how many books I have accumulated in such a short period of time.
We use words like "harangue" and nit-wit or half wit which sends us to the dictionary to analyze which category we fit into.
However, when you sum up your life experiences it's all good except for the occasional "harangue".

[Laraine]

Ramona, you weren't the only goody two-shoes. I had so little experience of 'the world' that I would just go really, really silent and try to be invisible when the other girls would speak knowingly of various subjects . . . and hope that no one would expect me to say anything.
My dating was seriously limited by the control and opinions of my formerly-Amish-farmwoman grandmother, who thought that parties and dating were frivolous and a waste of time. But one memory (groan) is of going to my senior prom with a junior who was an inch or two shorter and probably a dozen pounds lighter (I was quite slender, so, go figure that I'd have the one date that could make me feel fat by comparison). He was a nice guy, but my mind was hopelessly focused on the gorgeous hunks who hadn't even noticed I was alive when they decided who to ask to the prom . . . .

[gaylin in vancouver]

My first date at 15 was with a nice boy named Robin, we went to the movies, his father drove . . . and sat a few rows behind us in the theatre. Robin didn't try to touch me and I snuck a few peeks back at his dad who was not watching the movie he was watching us - EW. The creepy dad drove us home and dropped me off. Robins parents informed him that weekend that the family was moving out of the province. What, I was going to taint him??

I was also geeky and unpopular in high school, in my school girls were not supposed to be skinny - boobs and curves were expected. I did date for about 3 weeks in grade 12, I had just turned 16 turns out he was 26 . . . destined for failure but he did teach me how to kiss.

[gaylin in vancouver]

Oh, and my high school didn't have Prom, we had a Grad Dance, same idea of course. I didn't have a date, had a risque dress and still didn't get asked to dance. I came home early and ate chocolate and joked it up with my parents.

[Jessica Park]

Now, why do some people say "prom," and some people say, "the prom"? I was horrified when Molly Ringwald screamed, "What about PROM, Blaine? What about prom?" I kept saying, "THE prom! THE prom!" Is this a regional difference?

[Reine... Beats M-R, Y'Know?]

High School Hell... pure hell. In the astute words of my totally brilliant and wonderful cousin Kurt, "Well, you're not a girly girl, are you? Let me take you to Northampton this weekend. You'll be a star there."

[Jessica Park]

@Reine, I love it!

I think the vast majority of us felt vile in HS. The consolation is that many of the gorgeous, popular, have-it-all kids grew up to be ugly assholes. At least, that's how I like to think of it.

[Laraine]

Oh, Jessica, you hit the consolation thing right, sadly. When I went home for my 10th year high school reunion, I was nervous--I was slender, single,reasonably successful, but many of my classmates had gone to BIG schools and had BIG degrees and BIG careers, and marriage and kids. Imagine my surprise on discovering that some of the 'most popular' girls whom I'd been envying for marrying our handsome classmates were, ten years on, quietly drinking themselves into oblivion as they raised 2-3 kids each and dealt with their lawyer/doctor/dentist husband's all-consuming schedules. So much for privilege.

[Paulina]

Nice post, reminded me Janis Ian and her "At seventeen".
Not much to say about dating in HS, except that some guys I never liked dated me and the guys I liked never dated me.
Ah no, there was one who liked me and I liked him (we were in the same "gang" of friends) but he wasn't courageous enough to try to go out with me alone. Several year later I met him and just thought: "Mama mia! How lucky I was that you never actually dared".

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Yes, Jessica, I so agree. I say THE PROM. But it sounds kind of cool the other way, too.

People also say: Do you need someone to babysit you? It's babysit FOR you. Right?

MAybe it is a regional thing..

[Doc In CA]

While my high school years as a rule sucked 75% of the time and were hella fun 25% of the time (the fun times being almost entirely not during actual school hours), my dating life was actually about 99% great. For me and the young ladies.

First off, my parents raised me to "dance with every girl at the dance, especially the ones the other boys ignore". In other words, be a gentleman to all the girls, not just the pretty ones. As a result, I dated about 3 times as many girls as my friends did, since I had no problem with fat girls, mousey girls, nerdy girls, tall girls, shy girls or any other marginilized girls who would go out with me.

Besides building me up good karmic points (which I really needed most of the time), it had educational aspects.

See, I sometimes had...experiences..with older girls and women that tought me a great deal. I would then, if allowed, pass what I had learned on to the girls I dated. Most of them really appreciated that.

Now, actual high school romance was a much rarer thing for me and I did indeed get my heart broken, which I deserved because I broke her heart first. I may have been a pretty nice guy (around women) most of the time, but I was not immune to being an asshole.

[Nora]

Sadly (okay maybe not so sadly) some of those high school jerks had their best years in high school. Imagine, peaking at 17. Now that's a happy ending....I mean, it's so unfortunate....."PROM" sounds way cooler that "the prom"...don't remember what my girls called it...Was too busy looking for dresses and matching handbags (or is that purses) to pay attention....clearly I never made it to mine! (shudder)

[Jessica Park]

I'm going to work very hard to make sure that my son does not peak in HS. I'm sure he'll love me for geeking him out.

[Doc In CA]

I'm aiming to peak around about my 500th birthday.