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August 22, 2010

The Back to School Sex Blog

by the 3Hs

PomPomsClipArt  It’s the third Monday, and you know what that means: the H-tarts chat about life, liberty, and the pursuit. Of whatever. Because it’s back to school time, our thoughts turn from summer trivia (hats! cheerleading!) to education and some serious sociological research. 

The-Loss-of-Virginity-1890-91Namely, Virginity, and where it went.

HANK: Are you kidding me? I thought this was a literary blog. Whoa. Gulp. Checking the clauses in my employment contract. (Kathy! Help!)

Harley: So much for my Loose Lips Sink Ships resolution.

Heather: [typing maniacally; on deadline] Yes, fine. Anything for Science.

First -- and all of these questions are strictly voluntary -- How old were you when you lost (or misplaced) it?

Heather: Seventeen. There's a song about that, you know.

Harley: I was 18. A late bloomer, but I did try to make up for lost time. Until the dawn of AIDS.

Hank:  Waaait a minute.18 is a late bloomer? Eeesh.

2. Do you care to name names? First names will suffice.

Heather: Dennis.

Andy  Harley: I’m far too discreet to tell. But if he were a Shakespeare play, he'd be Richard the Second. Or--Richard the Third? Yes, the Third. The seductive one. With the limp.

Hank: No, Harley, he’d be Richard THE FIRST, right?

3. Give us a sense of setting.

Harley: Kentucky, summer theatre, no air conditioning

Hank:  It was all five senses, if I remember correctly.

Heather: Somewhere in Miami. (I don't remember.)

4. Chemical assistance?

Hank:  I can’t remember. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

Heather: I can't remember. [types furiously.]

Harley: Tequila. It was a dry county, but we had a car.

5. Your first thought, post-virginity. Extra points if you can express it as a song title.

Heather: Dear God--I don't remember!  Images-2  Sadly, but probably, hmm . . . so that's what they're talking about?

Harley: “Is That All There Is?”

Images-1  Hank:  Dvorak’s Symphony #9 (“The New World”)

6. How long did Richard III/ Name Withheld/Dennis last?

Harley: Weeks! After a slow start, it got astonishingly better. The song segued into “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.”

Hank:  Wait, someone is gonna put this in the local newspaper, I just know it. ALL I need. I should never have agreed to this.

Heather: Hm. I guess we got it right. We're still married. Wait--we did get divorced, but we got remarried.

Images  Harley: Heather! I never knew that. How cosmopolitan of you.

7. How did it end?

Harley: Badly. I ate, drank and smoked my way into a stupor to recover.

Hank:  Everything always turns out for the best. You know that.

Heather:  Hm. I don't remember. Oh, wait, yes, I guess all right. I got married at eighteen . . . and then at twenty-eight, I think. Oh, Lord, at this point . . . And yes, that's all there is, cause I'm staying right where I am. I can't even imagining wanting anything else. 

8. And finally: your college major?


Hank: My stated major, much to my mother and stepfather's despair, was English Literature. That's what Western College for Women thought I was studying. And, indeed, I was, with much delight. (Though not exactly on their schedule.) But what my professors didn't realize--I was also studying rock and roll music, political activism, Judy Colllins worship, and seeing how many classes I could skip without getting yelled at.  

Harley: Acting, NYU School of the Arts.Virginity  

Heather: Musical Theatre, U. of South Florida [remembers deadline; resumes typing.]

And now friends, commenters, countrymen, over to you. Participate if you dare. It’s all in the name of research.

Happy Monday!


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OMG... do girls count, or does it have to be the first boy?

Very young (but still a teen, barely)...in a barn...no booze or drugs involved...older girl (17)...at that point, the greatest 10 seconds of my life:)

Marie-Reine, this is TLC. We are an equal opportunity blog.

Ah, Doc . . . a barn! Lovely.

18 1/2 first time voluntarily, my best friends older brother. Only once because I decided he wasn't that interesting . . . Like Harley, I went forward and made up for lost time, just don't expect me to name names, no one told me I was supposed to bother remembering them all.

The first time non-voluntarily I was 8, but that is a whole other blog.

Right, Harley... of course... OK. I was 16. Her name was Lori, another French girl from the Polish part of Salem. No drugs... OK, a little grass and something we licked off a stamp, or something. Out behind the House of Seven Gables. First-thought song... Magical Mystery Tour! We lasted about 2 years. We had a great time, but it ended badly with jealous overtones. She saw me looking at a really cute guy. He still visits. :) Religion concentrator- Harvard/Radcliffe.

Age..legal at twenty four
Location..motel on the way to Niagara Falls.
Chemical assistance..water, lots of glasses of water
Setting..room with TV
Wardrobe..lots of beautiful lingerie which I insisted on modeling
Nervous condition..yes
Still married..yes
Good years..yes
Niagara Falls..spectacular

I was 18 and his name was Jeremy. It was in his basement and I just remember being heart broken when he got back together with his ex but we got back together the next summer...

Age: 23 (really late bloomer).
Name: rather not tell.
Setting: apartment in recently renovated Victorian house, two blocks from here. Living room floor.
Chemical assistance: yes, lots and lots of beer.
First post-coital thought: "Well, that was a first." I actually said that out loud, although she knew that "going in."
How long did it last: 24 years.
How did it end: Badly, and it still isn't over yet.
College Major: Quantitative Business Analysis.

Well, since Josh jumped in, I can't leave him out there alone.

Age: 20.5 (talk about Late Blooming)

Name: Shirley

Setting: her house

Chemical Assistance: Copious amounts of brown
Scottish liquid

First thought: "WOW!"

How long did it last: Another couple of months

How did it end?: Devastatingly. My first (but hardly last) lesson that sex and love are not connected unless you want them to be.

College Major: Criminology (finally earned a Masters in 2000, thank you!)

Oh boy, I can't believe I'm putting this on the Internet! The things TLC talks me into.

Age: 22, almost 23

Name: I'll withhold since he's very private.

Setting: His apartment. Futon. New Orleans.

Chemical assistance: None that I recall. We did eat quesadillas and watch The Emperor's New Groove earlier that day.

First thought: Whew, glad that's over. I feel weird, but it will get better.

How long did it last: Well, we dated 2 years, were engaged for 2 years, and just had our 3rd anniversary.

How did it end: Hopefully it will end with death do us part.

College Major: English. Although I had graduated and had a degree at that point. So had he. His was English too. This then led to several years of being poor together. . .

This may be the day we finally learn how many writers were theater majors once! (Me included.)

Age: after the high school(both were late bloomers).
Name: One saint's name. "The guy is not saint any more" - as a friend of mine used to say.
Setting: My appartment
Chemical assistance: None
First post-coital thought: No good at all.
How long did it last: Several rendez-vous more
How did it end: Badly. Besides he kept some of my belongings I still regret about today.
College Major: Law (we can study law right away after the high school)

You are kidding me, right? My kids sometimes read this thing.

Age: no way (see above - both kids are teenagers)
Name: he knows, I know, and that's enough
Setting: his Dad's car
Chemical assistance: none needed
First thought: God, I love you/when can we do that again?
How long did it last: until the last possible minute before we had to be home that night
How did it end: heartbreak all around, but I think we are friends now
College majors: Business Administration, Economics and Philosophy; then law school

Age: 18, and the middle of my first year of college (isn't anyone going to admit to being fast on this blog?)
Name: Starts with "J"
Setting: My childhood bed
Chemical assistance: None. I could only wish there had been such an excuse.
First post-coital thought: WTF?
How long did it last: Way too long.
How did it end: Badly. In divorce, after he cheated on me.
College Major: Police Science, then Accounting. Should have been Home Ec. I know, total contradiction.

Hmm - Hank is very good at evading questions. ;)

Age: 20
Name: Also starts with "J"
Setting: his bed in his mother's house
Chemical Assistance: No
First post-coital thought: "Really?"
How long did it last: We got married a year later, and were married for six years
How did it end: Divorce - he was still 20 after 6 years of marriage
College Major: Associate's Degree - Legal Secretarial Studies; Bachelor's Degree - Psychology (but I didn't get it until I was 40)

So does the low percentage of virgin anthropologists mean they consider it to be research?

College major: radio-tv journalism, where I learned, like Hank, to ask questions but not to answer them. :D

You "H" guys are really funny together. If you ever do an "H" panel, I want to be there to see it!

Wow, this group is something! I don't know which bunch is more impressive, the "my life is an open book, I'm here to serve" or "I'm so good at being discreet, you hardly care that I'm not saying anything of substance."

Kudos all around!

And were we all late bloomers? And isn't that reassuring somehow?

First time I was 10, with my best friend at the time. But then I was celibate for seven years. Kind of like now...

I think I should get to do my first boy, Scott. Our first time was on the grass on Ft. Sewall overlooking Marblehead Harbor. I was 18. It sort of ended when he was drafted out of senior year at Marblehead High. Yes, they really did do that. We never really ended, because like I said... he still comes around. Oh yeah, first thought after... that fucking hurt! He's a lobster fisherman... never finished highshool. I went on to get multiple degrees in psych, neuroscience, and theology. And yeah, my life is an open book. That's why I never got ordained-- thank god.

19 comments, 19 sparks for a short story.

Am I the only one who thinks this way? I know I'm not.

What a surprise! I was 15 and Christopher Nelson Stiff and I had been an item since we were 13 so it was just something that would eventually happen. It happened at Crandon Park on the beach under the romantic canopy sea grape trees. No chemical assistance but I will recommend that ones first time should NOT be in the sand. Beach Blanket Bingo? A total myth. I can't recall how long it lasted that first time but we went steady until I trotted off to college to dance and do Musical Theatre. If you are not a gay man that is the place to find female free spirits. Well boys too.
We all put our careers first (I mean how long can you can can?) and I danced all over the world with many...dance...partners.
He is still my friend and actually was our best man when I married his best friend 30 years later. His mother still considers me one of her daughters.
What good is sitting alone in your room anyways?

I'm sorry, but...your first time was with a guy named Stiff? LOL.

We should have known it would be Cornelia and Xena who were the adventurous ones!

And sand. Omigosh, that's a hoot. And so true, Xena, dear. In the water is another myth, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm still getting over 18 as late bloomer. Eesh.

Oh, and absolutely, Ramona, each one is a short story. (Some shorter than others....)

I know, Xena, come to the cabaret!

Laura, me evade? SO, how about those Red Sox?

Yes, water, sand and in the woods -- highly overrated. Pine needles and bugs crawling in places that bugs shouldn't be crawling in.

As fascinating as I find all these incipient short stories, that's how terrifying I find it that my children will one day experience any of this stuff.

age: 18 years, 1 week I waited until I graduated from high school.
name: Ed
Where: his VW bug...yes there is plenty of room in those things.
Setting: conservation area, tucked away on a back road behind a high school.
Chemical assistanc: None needed.
First 'after' thought: Could you move your elbow...that was really nice.
Length of relationship: 2 years.

Age: 18
Name: Hubby
Location: The closest hotel room available
Chemical assistance: Does wedding cake count?
First thought: Hmm.
How long did it last: 21 years.
How did it end: Divorce
College major: Nursing

Age: 19
Name: Starts with "N"
Setting: his bed in his mother's house
Chemical Assistance: No
First post-coital thought: "That's it?"
How long did it last: Not long
How did it end: Quietly...I was too boring for him. LOL!
College Major: Associate's Degree - Specialized Business / Travel & Tourism Operations (Travel Agent). Should have told my dad to go scratch and followed through on my first-round vocal audition acceptance into West Chester U's music program.

OOps - I thought the question about 'how long did he last' meant the first time we had sex, rather than the length of the relationship.

So I need change my answer from "until the last minute before we had to go home" to "hard to tell, but about a year the first time"

Age: 16, was that legal for either of us, I don't think so.
Name: starts with R
Setting: Hotel room near the ocean. That summer included several hotels, a basketball court, lounge chairs, and a hay bale. Put the hay bale next to the sandy beach. Whoever thought those places are romantic or fun is nuts.
Chemical assistance: None.
First post-coital thought: Better next time. And it was.
How long did it last: the summer
How did it end: She went her way, I went mine.
College Major: Aeronautics. Last time I was the pilot in command of an airplane: June, 1983.

OK since this is for science.

Age: 24
Name: Starts with "P"
Setting: My apartment after a drive and a picnic in the New England countryside on a lovely fall day.
Chemical Assistance: No
First post-coital thought: Alternating madly between "I Had the Time of my Life" and "Is that all there is?"
How long did it last: We saw each other off and on for two years. The distance didn't help, she ended up in Poughkeepsie and I was in Boston.
How did it end: We weren't compatible enough to be lovers and we didn't know how to be friends.
College Major: Electrical Engineering.

Age: 16
Name: Starts with "S"
Setting: Car
Chemical Assistance: Not for me
First post-coital thought: Big deal
How long did it last: Married 13 years
How did it end: He wanted to be the life of the party. Still thinks he is.
College Major: Computer Information and English. Starting grad school this week, yay!

You know, after a while, everyone's sex life sounds the same, but everyone's college major sounds unique and intriguing . . . what is that about?

Age: 16
Name: He does have one
Setting: His apartment
Chemical Assistance: Maybe beer?
First post-coital thought: Is that all there is?
How long did it last: A couple of years total
How did it end: We went separate ways
College Major: Anthropology/Archaeology

So Laura, I'm helping you validate your "low percentages of virgin anthropologists" theory.

And since sometimes others in my family may read this, and since I'm chicken and only a half-open book, I'll sign out with just my first name...

Harley, maybe it's related to something Judy Tenuta (I think) said along the lines of when an adult asks a child what they want to be when they grow up, they're not just making conversation, they're looking for ideas.

I ought to point out that yes, hay is at least as bad as sand when it comes to doing the horizontal bop. Fortunately for myself, the part of the barn we did the deed in was in fact an upstairs sort of summer bedroom.

And my first thought after? "WOW! FUCKING WOW!" for like, about 3 days:)

Harley, College majors... hmmm. Must admit starting out in LA as film and theater major, then switching to psych, then going home to start all over again with religious studies. That's where I became interested in medicine so combined theology and neuroscience in grad school. Was interviewed on BBC TV about religious feelings and seizures and kind of liked that as a field of study. Got distracted somewhere there by developing leadership and interpersonal-skills program for med students. It was fun, but I wish I were a mystery novel writer. Next best thing, though, is to read them!

I've been raise not to kiss and tell,
however I can say that alcohol was involved, it was an older woman (I was a freshman, she was a junior) and at the time I was a Liberal Arts major. (Me, Liberal Arts, chuckle chuckle).

The morning after effect,
hung over with a craving for salt.

Age: 2 months shy of 18 and high school graduation, after 6 months of dating. He was 6 years older, Vietnam vet, college student.
Setting: Can't remember, actually. Might have been on the floor of my parent's kitchen... or in his car... or outdoors somewhere. (I've had mosquito bites where one should never have mosquito bites.)
Chemical Assistance: None
First post-coital thought: We did it!
How long did it last: 12 years, 10 years married.
How did it end: We loved each other but there was something missing.
College Major: Education (elementary ed/special ed). Many years later - masters degree in Computer Information Systems

What happens when you don't look at the pictures & graphs: I make a mistake on non-theory/truth about virgin anthropology majors. After looking closely at the chart, I realize it wasn't just a theory (but from experience, I could have told you that), LOL


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Age: 21, and the middle of my first year of college (isn't anyone going to admit to being fast on this blog?)
Name: kkansh "J"
Setting: My childhood average
Chemical assistance: None. I could only wish there had been such an excuse.
First post-coital thought: WTF?
How long did it last: Way too long.
How did it end: Badly. In divorce, after he cheated on me.
College Major: Police Science, then Accounting. Should have been Home Ec. I know, total contradiction.

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All that stuff sounds great, I haven't exacted anything of this kind.

So interesting it is, I like it !

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