Mel's Year of Living Dangerously

*HEY! ANGELA POPOWSKI CHERRY WON THE PENNY PINCHERS GIVEAWAY for her tips on what to do with cereal crumbs!

By Sarah

Okay, look, we gotta talk about Mel and Oksana. Yes, yes, I know you're sick of him, sick of his slurred rantings and ravings as propagated by the online arm of the National Enquirer. Though that hasn't stopped the New York Times TWICE from finding gravitas, nay societal upheaval, in this car wreck of a twisted Hollywood disaster.

 But I'm not here to talk about Mel. I'm here to talk about Oksana and how she may have single handedly set back progress in the rights for battered women.

First, the disclaimer: Mel's a skunk. Maybe he's mentally ill. Maybe he's mentally ill from too much drink. Whatever, he's a washed up angry racist, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, delusional has-been and I say that with much regret. I used to love Mel longggg ago. I loved his intelligence and blue eyes. But, mostly, I loved his grin. Now, all I see is a rheumy eyed drunk who lashes out at dim bulbs.

Which brings me to Oksana.

Until this blow up, I passed off Oksana as, well, a cheap bar date, exactly the kind of idiot middle-aged drunks like Mel would scrape up and take back to his place. I remember one time I had the TV on and Mel was there talking about his new baby, saying he doesn't wake up in the middle of the night to help the "baby's mother." (Either can't or not home yet, I thought).  The weirdest thing was how he kept referring to Oksana as "the baby's mother." Not once did he call her by name. Think of it. Think if your husband went on national TV shortly after you gave birth and he kept referring to you as "the baby's mother." Ewwww.

That interview was last winter, right around the time Mel supposedly socked Oksana in the jaw and broke her tooth. This is a crime. That's it. A crime. Go to jail. Serve time. End of discussion. And it might have been prosecuted as such if Oksana had gone to the police with photographs and a good lawyer. She didn't.

Now, as anyone who works with abused women knows, all too often women in Oksana's position keep mum out of embarrassment, fear, or lack of funds. Oksana did something else.

She got hold of professional recording equipment and illegally taped - possibly edited - Mel's drunken rants. Then she held them over his head for money. Millions, from what I understand. When Mel offered her $20 million plus child support, she went to the National Enquirer. Yes, yes, I know she claims that she was fighting for 100% custody, but it would have been a far more effective war if she'd put her word on a sworn affidavit - not on the endorsement line of a National Enquirer check.

In so doing, she unraveled the good work of battered women's groups over decades. It wasn't that long ago when abused women were thought of as "off." SHE must have done something wrong to provoke   HIM. Or, the more common myth, SHE is alleging these crazy allegations about a good man because she's having a hissy fit.

It's taken time, effort and brave victims to come forward to raise awareness about how scary it is to admit publicly that you're an abused woman. Courts have agreed to extreme measures to protect their identities, including blacking out portions of public records. Newspaper reporters often withhold their names and these exceptions have produced worthwhile benefits. Now, a beaten woman can call the police, go to a shelter, maybe even watch her abuser being prosecuted while keeping some semblance of her privacy.

Oksana took advantage of that foundation to grandstand for herself, for more money, for spite.

Consider what might have happened if, after getting hit, Oksana called the cops who you can bet would have been all too happy to arrest Gibson on the spot. Perhaps, she could have come forward and said, "Look at me. I'm beautiful. I'm rich. And the former Sexiest Man Alive beats me. Yet, I survived and you can too by summoning your courage, trusting the system and availing yourself of the resources available. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. I look forward to creating a new life on my own."

Wow.

Instead, even good ole feminists like me are squinting at her dentist photos, trying to figure out if they're doctored. We're wincing when she says, "You give me nothing. I waited for you in Jacuzzi and you didn't come." And questioning when Gibson's admission to striking her sounds as if the tape has been spliced.

 If there's anyone who has me worried, it's Mel's wife, Robyn, who submitted a statement claiming Mel never hit her or their children. What income does she have? And Mel, supposedly, is broke. Not to mention the seven kids.

Now there's an abused woman.

Sarah

Comments

[Laraine]

All you mama's out there, teach your sons how not to go all red-Ferrari, sick-and-twisted, drugs and booze when they hit middle-aged.
I was over Mel some years back when I first heard whispers of his more, um, fascist views . . . doesn't mean I don't mourn the loss of the guy who gave us the gorgeous YOLD or heroic Braveheart (soundtrack makes me cry--watched it when my stepdad was dying and the two are forever linked in my brain) . . . but Mel has to straighten up and fly right and make amends and I still won't see his movies.

[Josh]

I disagree with the theme of the post, that Oksana has set back battered women, but maybe that's because I haven't been concentrating on the minutiae of the case, like the things she said on the tapes, or whether they sound spliced. (I haven't listened to any of them.)

I don't blame her for doing what she's doing, getting as much as she can for what he's done to her. And I wouldn't blame any battered woman for doing it outside the criminal justice system. You have to do what is most beneficial for yourself and your children, and the opinions of the world be damned.

Of course, I have never been on either side of a battering relationship, nor have I worked with battered women in any professional therapeutic capacity, so I may just be talking out of my ass, as I so often am.

[Paulina]

I don't want to justify Mel (I never defend men who beat women) but Oksana is a cynical gold digger.

[Margaret]

This is totally off-topic, but thanks, Margie, for brightening up that picture of the man with the foot fetish. Before it was so murky, that I thought the woman was a contortionist....and I'm not going to say what I thought that thumb was.

[Karen in Ohio]

Ugh, the whole idea of any man treating a woman this way is so repugnant, no not-sexy. And this, from the star of "What Women Want"? Uh, hunh?

My daughter and I were discussing this very topic, and she mentioned Robyn's assertion that he'd never hit her or the kids as some kind of proof that he didn't do this to Oksana. However, wasn't that a different Mel Gibson than this seedy, angry drunk-looking person?

Then she said something about him being an alcoholic, but he didn't seem to look that way 20 years ago. Well, perhaps the lack of roles has affected him. If you check IMDB.com (International Movie Database, my favorite go-to site for all things movie or TV or actor), you'll see that he has not had a movie role since 2005. That's a long dry spell for someone of his caliber, I think.

Also, it seems to me that the demarcation line between user-friendly Mel and screaming meemie Mel was that awful Passion of the Christ movie. He poured a lot of vitriol in the press after that, and that's when we saw the wild-haired arrest photos of him. There's a fascinating connection there, I'm sure, but I just don't care enough to explore it.

Margaret, ditto!

[Alan P.]

Don't really care about either of them. Maybe the tape is well edited. Certainly saying "the thing" that will make a drunk go off the end is possible.

I don't think she has done anything to the cause of battered women. There are men who will beat women "they love" and then cry for forgiveness. There are women who will take it until they literally die. This case will not cause more or less reporting of abuse and won't change the court outcomes (well maybe in LA it will) of any thing.

On the other hand, taking a check from the National Enquirer has never proved to be a indicator of your honesty. I guess Penthouse wasn't offering as much.

[William Simon]

No real need for me to chime in here, as everyone pretty much knows my feelings on abusing women or children.

But, I've got to say, I'm stunned speechless by this coming from Mel. I really am....

[Nancy Pickard]

Poor child of "the baby's mother"!

[Holly Gault]

And then we learn (I think from the Daily Beast, not the National Enquirer) that Mel had a 3 month liaison with a prostitute from September to December last year -- the baby was born in October. Another proof that Mel is exactly what too many of you thought that thumb was.

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Horrible. Horrible. At every level, it's pitiful.

[marie]

Sarah, I think the phrase "living dangerously" is very apt.
Mel seems to have been exposed as a troubled psychotic by a seemingly conniving woman.
However, this lady should have left the relationship early on but of course someone told her to go for the money.
Mel says he is broke. Well he may be about this fiasco.
In early Hollywood this would never have reached such proportions. Tabloids were not giving out money or the mainstream press would not even cover this.

We are living in a voyeuristic place.
We can't excape the rantings..they just won't let us.
It is all terribly sad. We liked Mel but now his fate or image does not look good.

[Nancy Pickard]

I think the rich ones always say they're broke. We shall see.

This is totally hindsight, and I don't expect you to believe a word of it, but I've always thought his smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

[Becky Hutchison]

Word in the Hollywood gossip sites (yes,I admit I read them, but only to keep my mind off politics) is that Mel has plenty of money...and more than enough to pay for a promontional firm to counter any of his bad press with a positive spin.

I hope Oksana's evidence isn't doctored, and I hope Mel's little head is!

[Pam aka SisterZip]

What is it with these guys & having all of these kids with these women? Especially when you have 7 other kids. Why don't you just get a snip job & it would stop all of this. Snip, snip...you don't have to worry about fighting over child support,etc. And he's not broke. He has just put a lot of stuff in his soon to be exwife's name (from what the tabs say, lol).

This does not excuse what she says he did to her. He should go to jail. Just because we see a picture of her without her veneers doesn't mean he hit her. Just because she says he hit her doesn't mean he did. If he truly hit her, he should do some time. But there is no way to tell who is telling the truth in this one.

Every women who lies about being abused or goes after him in this manner instead of going straight to the police is setting the cause of battered women back to the '50s.

[Karen in Ohio]

Ah, but Pam, don't you know? He's Catholic, so can't use birth control.

Eye roll.

Clearly, one of those "cafeteria" Catholics: Pick the stuff you want out of the religion, and ignore the inconvenient bits. Yet another hypocrite.

[gaylin in vancouver]

Still at home on sick leave and have been watching tv as little as possible - he's everywhere! I doubt we will ever get a clear picture of either side of the story. I don't think Mel would ever get a vasectomy - isn't that an anti-catholic thing to do. Because, obviously, he is such a good catholic guy.

I don't envy the police investigators in this mess - CSI help them!!!

Usually most abusive men A) cut their wives off from friends, B) cut them out of having any money. Could be that Oksana thought this was her only way of financial survival. Having seen in recent years the pathetic jail time celebrity criminals get, she could have thought going to the police/legal system would be in his favour because of his celebrity.

[Sarah Strohmeyer]

Nancy - that's a really interesting observation. As well as a great phrase!

[Kathy Sweeney]

I think I am ready to post a cogent comment.

Abuse and cruelty of any kind, especially with a baby in the arms/room/house is unconscionable.

Despite major strides forward - especially in the last 25 years, the police and the criminal justice system cannot always be trusted to arrest, protect, or prosecute the right people. Things continue to get better, but - truth time - because politicians and legislators like tough-sounding laws but many times have no freaking clue how the law will be administered or implemented, there is a bungee effect. The PFA and initial arrest rules were so strict and so biased against the alleged aggressor that cops, DAs and judges started to impose their own counter balance. Good reason - better to let a guilty man go than convict an innocent one and so forth - but there are monsters out there who are getting away with murder even when the victim uses all the tools of the justice system.

Sarah- you make excellent points, as always, but after several hours of reflection, I think/hope to God this is just a tabloid frenzy that will not have any real impact on Victims' Rights.

Plus, Mel Gibson is a total asshole, and is dead to me. Yet another example of how the most 'devout' religious fanatics turn out to be walking cauldrons of nastiness and hate.

As for Oksana, she needs to nut up, shut up in the press, and protect herself and her child from this toxicity.

They both need to set up a trust fund for that poor baby's therapy bills.

[Sarah]

Amen, Kathy!

And the point I'm trying to make - a tricky one - is not that the system is full proof. (Or fool proof.) And let's hope Oksana had the right intent.

BUT, I ask you. If you'd been struck with a baby in your arms and you had the means and resources, the support, to get out of the house. (Let's not forget that her 12 year old son was there, too.) Would you have waited months? Would you have recorded messages and then asked for money and threatened blackmail?

Or would you have gone to the police? Again, with high powered lawyer in tow.

Let's not forget this: If Mel had acquiesced to her demands, Oksana might never have made this public and it is highly conceivable that he would have gone on to abuse someone else.

Clearly, Mel has stepped off an edge. Frankly, at this point, I think he's capable of anything.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Sarah, if I had been struck while holding my daughter, I would have left the house as soon as safely possible. I would then have my brother (who is quite a bit bigger than Dear Hubby) and my 4 male cousins and my 2 cousins-in-law beat the crap out of him. Money means nothing at this point. Arrest him and get a good lawyer. She would have gotten quite a bit if she took that route. But she is trying to destroy him. He's doing a good enough job on his own, but this goes beyond that. Its like she's trying to destroy his career.

One audio clip had him calling her an extortionist. Maybe he should have gone the Letterman route.

[judy merrill larsen]

This is all so sad and horrible for the innocents--the children, most of all. And, yes, Sarah, i agree with you--going to the police immediately is the best first thing to do. But having never been in that kind of situation, I can only hope I'd have the wherewithal/wits/courage to do so.

Nancy, "his smile didn't quite reach his eyes"--what a great line. So true, too.

[Sarah Strohmeyer]

It's kind of cathartic to imagine what you'd do in that situation. I like the idea of a bunch of big male cousins beating the crap out of him.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Hypothetically, if that happened to me, I would call the police.

Then, if the police and the justice system failed, I would - in the abstract, mind you - enlist certain cousins who would introduce the hypothetical abuser to the imaginary basement staircase. Repeatedly. Because falling down the stairs does not result in criminal charges - it's just a series of accidents.

Not that it ever happened.

Just saying.

[Kathy Sweeney]

By the way, what did Anna (best name ever) suggest for cereal crumbs?

[Sarah]

Kathy....I can tell you one thing Angela didn't use them for. She didn't sprinkle them on the slippery wooden basement stairs (that should have been fixed long ago, sigh) to cause said "hypothetical accidents."

Just sayin'.

[JodiL]

Until you have actually been physically abused by your spouse, you can only speculate how you would react and what you would do. Usually by the time the physical abuse happens the emotional abuse has been long on-going. I'd like to remind us all that this is all being reported in the media and of course the media is never wrong, never exaggerates and never picks sides. Just saying.

[Nancy Pickard]

I wish I could take credit for that great phrase, but I'm pretty sure I stole it.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Jodi - yes, and that bears repeating.

[Laura (in PA)]

Mel is an ass and should go to jail, and Oksana needs to shut up and take care of her kids.

What I would like to know: What happened to Mel's Australian accent?

Also, I, too, am curious as to what to do with cereal crumbs.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Jodil, you are absolutely right. No one knows exactly what they will do unless faced with it.

[Sarah]

I have to agree Jodil and am rethinking the position of this post.

I just worry that people will go back to viewing women as male manipulators if they accuse someone of abuse w/o going to the cops.

But, like you said, there's no knowing what's going on.

Except the cash....

See? It's got me all confused.

[Karen in Ohio]

Sarah, I think you give "people" too much credit. There are still an awful lot of them who think of women as male manipulators, and not much more than that.

[nancy martin]

Boy, there are no heroes in this story. Everybody's sordid. I feel terrible for the child. Ye gods, what a start in life.

I'm back from vacation this evening. Ahhhhhh......

[Fran]

Without going into how I know it, when an abused woman reaches the point of needing the police, frequently they look to her to be Big Huge Men Who Might Hurt Her. As Jodi pointed out, the emotional abuse and isolation starts first, so immediately running to the police for help is often way down on the list. Speaking Swahili might be easier.

That being said, this whole thing is a mess, Mel's turned into quite a loser, Oksana's actions are puzzling at best, greedy at worst, and my heart breaks for the kids. All the kids.

[Laraine]

After reading everyone's comments, it occurs to me that, although I agree that Mel's days of basking in the positive spotlight are over (forever) and rightly so, there's the likelihood that there's a mutually abusive situation going on.

Not all abusive relationships are one-sided in that way.