All Sex Toy Engineers to the Gulf: STAT!

All Sex Toy Engineers to the Gulf: STAT

Who else would write this but Me, Margie

Let's get f'n real here, people.  This 'oil leak' with the 'plumes' sounds like something fixable.  Turns out, this mess is a bona fide MoFo catastrophe.  The wankers who are supposed to be in charge all say they have their 'best people working on it" - which always reminds me of that scene at the end of the first (and best) Indiana Jones where the Ark of the Covenant ends up in a damn warehouse with Jimmy Hoffa, the cure for cramps, condoms that really work and the real James Bond.  Don't ask me how I know things. People share.

I mean - who didn't feel better when they heard Kevin Costner was on the case?  Give me a damn break. I thought the guy was finally going to issue a public mea culpa for 'Waterworld' and that clueless accent in 'Robin Hood'.  But no - he was just selling stuff.

Check it, citizens - this major trauma - brought to you by your dear friends at Halliburton, Transocean and British Petroleum (yeah, I said it - what are you going to do ya slimy bastards?) is beyond out of control, with no real solutions on the Horizon. 

I don't know why I have to be the one to fix everything, but here's what you need to do:  Get the sex toy people on this problem.  I mean, not only are these people creative as hell, but they've been dealing with holes that need to be filled and stuff that flies out since the cave drawing days.  Those weren't goddesses they were drawing, you dopes - they were early inflatable prototypes.  Don't act all shocked.  Anyone with half a brain and more than two hormones has already been expecting those words since the title of this blog.

Sure - I gotta give it up to Disney for the Anamatronics - some of those Presidents look like they could walk off the stage (or fall off. heh.) Plus, do not tell me they haven't been propping up a Dick Cheney robot for years.  That guy is half a breath from Weekend at Bernies but he still looks the same.  Puh-leeze.  Not all of us are dumb.  But the real pioneers are refining robots that not only look and sound real, but can actually do something to help.

Then there is that bigass Halogen Collider or whatever.  I'm sure it figures out a lot of science stuff, but what has it done for me lately?  Nuthin.  On the other hand, the new batch of sex toys is something to be proud about.  These inventors not only have the pulse of the pop culture, but the rhythm of life too - and the results can be, y'know, powerful.

Got someone who is too hot to handle?  Pick up this ice vibe.  I mean, we've all used ice, but this thing just takes it to a another techy step without the messy meltage.

The new sexbots are scary real - and you can even get costumes for them.  Not that I need them, but hell, anything could happen and it's good to know you have several lines of defense.

I don't happen to be into the electricity thing (hey, I'm young, I can only do so much on any given weekend) but if you are, there is now a home system that looks like it'll start more than one kind of spark, baby.  So put away the car batteries and power tools (unless you are using them with attachments, which is a whole nother show of brilliance) and take advantage of modern technology.

Here is my favorite new one for the man flying solo - and it is right at the tip of the hottest thing this summer.  Wanna add some Vamp to your fantasies?  Here ya go.  

All we need to do is apply this kind of brainpower and drive to the Gulf and we'll either get that thing to stop putting out, or at least figure out a way to harness all that liquid safely in no time.

Now that we have that solved, I am off on vacation.  Everybody needs to re-charge their batteries, right?

Comments

[Doc In CA]

Holy crap! That vampire thingy would never be allowed anywhere near my johnson! No way, no how!

Still, I think Margie is on to something here. I'm wondering if the right sized butt plug wouldn't stop up that leaking well in a heartbeat. It wouldn't even need to be pre-lubed, what with all that crude oil about. First though, they should test it on the execs at Halluburton, Transocean & BP. And maybe old Dick Cheney, too.

[Josh]

Is that vampire thingee dishwasher safe? Because the teeth stuff is just one part of my problem with it. (Off to wash my mind out.)

[William]

Holy Mary, Mother of God....

[nancy martin]

Thing is, she writes these things and then goes on vacation! What are we supposed to do around here? And who's taking care of the copy machine?!

[Alexandra Sokoloff]

That vamp addition to the Fleshlight... hmm. I'm assuming this comes from Good Vibrations in SF.

I think Doc is on to something about Cheney.

[Nancy Pickard]

I hope she has gone on vacation to the Gulf. They need her!

[Karen in Ohio]

The funniest thing about this is that three Men of the Blog (MOTB, for you newbies) were the first ones to comment. That Margie sure knows how to get a rise out of the men, doesn't she?

[Harley]

There really is only one Margie. Which is both the good news and the (very) bad news. Going on vacation falls into the latter category. This place is going to hell in a handbasket, and while the supply closet will actually be quieter, it's not a good trade-off.

[Harley]

And P.S. I heard someone say last night that BP has hired Blackwater (or whatever their new and sanitized name is) to guard the coast. You know, like having the major suspect in a crime hire some mercenaries to control the crime scene. Yes, that certainly makes sense.

[Nancy Pickard]

Really, Harley? Ack. We live in a Godfather movie.

[Margaret]

Karen, I do hope that was an intentional pun!

[Amy]

Hmm, I'd been thinking more along the lines of Tampax than Trojan, but Margie may be onto something. Flexible, stretchable tubing to collect or channel the earthly surges. Maybe Trojan and Hefty could put their heads together.

[DebbraSue]

Is it Hefty or Glad that has the ones with the flex fabric to hold all the contents no matter what the matter is?

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

You know, when you get a run in your stocking you can use clear nail polish to stop it. That could work...

[Nancy Pickard]

lol, Hank. There are just too few women engineers. They'd have known that immediately. Alternatively, we could all empty our purses into the hole and nothing would ever come out of it again. And have we so soon forgotten duct tape?

[Laura (in PA)]

I'm just wondering if our MOTB have uncrossed their legs yet.

Yeah. Duct tape and nail polish. And some super glue. There. Done.

[nancy martin]

Hey! I just read about a contest seeking ideas to plug the leak. I'm thinking nail polish and duct tape is a worthy entry!

[marie]

I am hoping against hope that James Cameron of AVATOR fame could summon his experts to clean up the problem.
I miss the days when Superman would swoop down and with one finger magically command all of nature's forces to correct an overwhelming catastrophe.
I am also hoping that Moses from the Bible could come back and command the oil to disappear from the waters.
I have faith and doggone I am going to use it.

[SusanCo]

Try this one on for size.

http://www.wimp.com/solutionoil

[Rita Scott]

I think all the mistress' of BP, Transocean & Halliburton men should be given the condoms with teeth!
Maybe then they'll start thinking with the correct 'head'!
Let's face it, Dick Cheney is the poster boy for Halliburton. When I heard he was in the hosp again, I diabolically thought the gulf fishermen had sent him a gift basket of seafood! bwahahaha!

[Rod Pennington]

After seeing Margie’s “Little Chamber of Horror” I’ve decided the age of automation is not for me. The old tired and true manual method is just fine, thank very much.

[Elaine Viets]

The oil leak fallout gets worse. Now Red Lobster has stopped serving Gulf oysters -- all the fishing boats are out trying to clean up the leak. And here in Lauderdale, our windows are coated by a strange, oily rain.

[Laraine]

You, Margie, have a good vacation. I needed that laughter! Here's to all solutions that do not put a single additional penny in the pockets of the guilty parties.

Elaine, bet that rain comes from BP burning all that precious oil--seriously, are they totally idiots?

[Laraine]

Mr. Typepad apparently didn't agree with my opinion of the guilty parties, as he refuses to print my comment.
Anyway, thanks You, Margie, and People of the Blog, for the laughter--much needed.

[gaylin in vancouver]

It is obvious that fixing this oil 'leak' is being done by committee . . . When all it needs is one smart woman or dominatrix or economy sized sex toy.

Yep, the guys don't chime in on the blog about lipstick shape but sex toys - comment right away!

[Rita Scott]

Elaine, I was wondering how far inland the hurricanes will spread the oil.

[Nancy Pickard]

"here in Lauderdale, our windows are coated by a strange, oily rain."

Oh, no, Elaine, really? That's just. . .words fail. Add vinegar, swab windows with lettuce. Sigh.

[Karen in Ohio]

Margaret, of course it was intentional! ;-)

Nancy, if we all donate all our old, almost dried-out nail polish they could plug that leak in a New York minute. Shoot, I must have fifteen bottles myself I could send to the cause.

[Rita Scott]

NO,don't try washing your windows Elaine! You're on the 7th floor, aren't you?

[Becky Hutchison]

Rita, maybe Elaine can just have Don do the window washing. Seventh story issue solved!

You, Margie are forward thinking for sure. What is wrong with those irritating, whiny corporate execs? They must have had male engineers who thought nothing could go wrong with their equipment, so why plan for it?

They're like the dumbnuts who decided that my house needed the temperature control thingy one-third of the way in towards the corner of the only non-window wall in my living room. At sofa picture heighth. Leaving NO PLACE AT ALL for a picture over my sofa. It had to be a man. No woman would do that!

Whew! Sorry for the rant. But hopefully you get my point?

[Rita Scott]

LOL, she needs Don to scoop the litterbox!
Mr, Typepad didn't like my rant & sent it to cyberspace.
oh well......I'll shorten it! BITCHGRIPENAG! there! LOL
me, Margie, I was looking forward to a July 4th
fractured fairy tale from you! Vacation? Didn't you take off for fleet week???

[Guido and Luca (transcribed by Pauletta, who is going looking for that store catalog Ms. Alex mentioned)]

Yo, You, Dear Cousin Margie,

You have really done it this time, you, you . . . You, Margie! Nonna read the blog today, at the library. They hadda call the ParnumEdics for her chest pains, and Uncle Rico wants to blame us, on accounta we showed Nonna how to look up web infirmationance on tomato pests in her garden.

Tanks a bunch, you!

[Laraine]

Maybe your Nonna only got as far as looking at the lovely swimwear Holly hung out to dry on the office patio? My gran always got chest pains when she saw my friends ' swimsuits.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Hank, what a cute reminder.........how many of us wear pantihose or stockings?????
That freedom was my real retirement!!!
keep cool, all.

[Sex Toys]

These are some awesome looking sex toys! I need to get into these :)

[SF Sex Toy]

There's no question that we're experts at filling holes.

[SF Sex Toy]

Love the Vamp. One hot ass sex toy!

[SF Sex Toy]

Have to admit that sex toy engineers are among the most creative minds in the world...

[Sex Toys]

Think most sex toy engineers end up working for Apple. lol

[RickStar]

the Fleshlight toys are the best for Masturbation !!

[G-spot vibrators]

Creating sex toys must be a great job!