Tortoise Sex and other birthday, uh, gifts

by Harley

To all the soldiers who’ve gone on to the great barracks in the sky, we will not forget you . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ka3Miv9tMQ&feature=related

Yes, it’s Memorial Day. It’s also . . .

Bob’s birthday.

 Bob, if you’re new to the blog, is my family’s mannequin. Last year, when my twins were turning 7, my daughter wanted a white desk for her bedroom as a birthday gift. My son wanted a mannequin.

It seems like only yesterday that we unpacked Bob from his UPS box and set him up in the dining room, but here it is another Memorial Day, time to trade Bob’s winter tuxedo for swimming trunks and a tank top.

And time to introduce this year's birthday presents, because those 7-year-olds just turned 8.

First, there’s Spike. Spike is a bearded dragon. Spike doesn’t live with me   because Spike eats live crickets, and I am a vegetarian. (Yes, I grill steaks for my children, but I don’t serve them mooing cows.) Spike lives with my kids’ dad. But I visit.  

 With Spike settled in 12 blocks away, my son’s thoughts turned to Pets For Mommy To Enjoy. One afternoon I found him calling websites. “Hello, is this www.PetsR4U? Do you have a real store I can visit, and is it in California?” Then came daily calls to Nancie-The-Gun-Tart in Arizona, because Nancie once worked at PetSmart. Nancie talked him out of aquatic turtles, carriers of salmonella (thank you, Nancie) and six pet store visits later, we found a pair of Herman Tortoises. Splitting them up was just too Parent Trap, so we bought both. Also, they were on sale.  Their names are Frank and Forest, but I can’t tell them apart, and refer to them collectively as The Hermans. The Hermans are vegans.

No sooner had The Hermans moved into my son’s bedroom than his twin sister realized she had no pets. The 5 new fish we acquired with The Hermans didn’t count. “You can’t cuddle a fish!” she cried. More calls to Nancie, resulting in Sundae, a guinea pig.

“It could be worse,” I told the clerk ringing up guinea pig food at Love’s Pets. “It could’ve been a pet rat. I hate rodents.”

 “Honey?” the clerk said. “Guinea pigs are rodents.”

 Great.

 Now, the plan was that Sundae would room with Dixie, my older daughter’s rabbit. Dixie was once smaller than Sundae, but is now the size of a toaster oven. And while Dixie has always been an introvert, the minute we brought in Sundae for the meet & greet, Dixie turned vicious. It was either anti-psychotic drugs or separate hutches.  So now my backyard is a double-hutch housing complex for creatures with a high output of . . . let’s just say it. Poop. Which is good fertilizer, and I do have a compost bin, but I haven’t set it up yet.  I find it intimidating. (Any composters out there?)

The Hermans pose a different housing problem. Their gender is still unknown (they’re too small to tell) so they could end up being romantically involved, as the incest taboo isn’t big among tortoises. Should they really be in my son’s bedroom? Nancie? Must he learn about sex from The Hermans? Because check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkKYNwYBYrs This guy does everything but play Barry White and light up a cigarette afterward.

Once, life was simple. I lived alone. Now I’m some kind of Wild Kingdom Michelle Duggar, minus the Jim Bob husband and the homeschooling. I mother three human offspring, plus:

Jinn, dog

Fez, dog

Spike, bearded dragon

Dixie, rabbit

Sundae, guinea pig

Frank, Herman tortoise

Forest, Herman tortoise

Mr. Fluffers, beta fish

Sit, bottom feeder

Fish, misc: Molly, Polly, Stripe, Polka Dot, and Photosynthesis.

  

And, of course, Bob.

 

Happy Memorial Day!

Harley

 

Comments

[Laraine]

Harley, there's only one word for moms like you:

Resilient.

Bob's cute in his tux.
Keep on keeping on . . . only ten more years until all the pets are [still] all yours all the time for feeding, maintenance, etc.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Whoa. That is some operation you're running out there.

Happy Birthday, and for those of you lucky enough to meet Nancie the Gun Tart, ask her to tell you Pet Smart stories, and be prepared to laugh yourself into a stupor.

Also - you live out there with all those high tech companies - surely one of them can robotize Bob so he can clean all these cages!

[gaylin in vancouver]

A quick trip to Wikipedia to find out that these tortoises can live to be over 100 - they might end up being pets for your great-grandchildren.

Bob looks very sporty in his tank top and shorts!

[Peg H]

If you can't reach Nancie-The-Gun-Tart you can contact me. I managed a pet store for five years. I also owned a menagerie which is fortunately now down to only the two dogs. ;)

Have fun with the new additions!

[William]

Comments on this one, Miss H, would be wayyyyyy too easy, and I do consider myself to be a sporting man. It just wouldn't be fair, it just wouldn't...:)

But I do have to ask.... is there something WRONG about playing Barry White and lighting a cigarette afterward?!?!?!?!

[Phyllis]

You need a cat.

[Cornelia Read]

Wow, Harley! We have one beta: Pancake. I like things simple. Grace is pissed. She's sixteen but still wants a snake, a sloth, a rabbit, many cats, and a dog. And probably a pony. I keep telling her I can barely feed *us*.

My mother had a mannequin for years that she also dressed seasonally. Then she gave it to my Aunt Julie, so now it lives in Vermont. During the winter AJ dresses it in this pale apricot evening gown my grandmother wore to have her portrait painted in, during the Forties. I think they call it Myrtle, but it might be Gertrude--I'm terrible with names, even for inanimate objects.

[nancy martin]

Is anybody else thinking we should introduce Bob and Myrtle? Because an apricot evening gown only lacks the accessory of a man in a tuxedo.

Nancy, the petless. (Don't tell Harley's kids!)

[Rod Pennington]

Harley, obviously with your executive and administrative skill set you have missed your calling. Anyone who can creatively keep the rodents of the world separated and teaches tolerance to both the carnivores and vegans would find the Middle East’s problems a short afternoon’s work. I think you should run for president. Plus, with Bob you would have the perfect running mate. Nice hair, Mona Lisa smile, no brain and is highly unlikely to say anything stupid. Bob is a clear upgrade from the last half dozen VPs we have had.

Who’s with me?

Harley & Bob 2012

Before you beg off please keep this in mind…

Your country needs you!

[Doc In CA]

*Putting on Zoology/Pets hat* Harley, unless you have a VERY roomy cage and exactly the right conditions, it's not very likely that your tortoises will mate and lay eggs. If you want to determine sex, see if one has a concave underside (plastron). That would be the male. However, don't strictly go by that, as there can be some variation among individuals.

And be glad you don't live in the country and have a kid like I was at 8 years old. Over the years, I (or my pet enabling dad) brought home: jackrabbit bunnies, grey fox kits, turtles & tortoises, a baby crow, an injured raccoon, about a million lizards/snakes/amphibians, a horse, a pig, a couple of dogs, a baby possum, at least 3 chipmunks, hamsters, guinea pigs, lots of rabbits, mice, rats and a burro named Henrietta.

[peach]

Now all you need are some goats, a pony, an alpaca or two and you can open a petting zoo. Your house could be the go to destination for preschool field trips from the surrounding area and a new source of income for you. I'm very glad I only have one dog.

[Nancy Pickard]

I know *two* people with mannequins?

I'm still laughing over the bottom-feeding fish named Sit.

[Amy]

Whoa, that's a lot of pets.

I have to say, rats are actually wonderful pets. I wasn't too taken by the idea at first, but I'm too lazy for a dog, daughter #1's allergies disallow a cat, and husband's fear of salmonella and disallow anything potentially named Spike or Herman. We had fish, including a shark, for a while, but, as your daughter says, they are definitely not cuddly.

Rats are smart, affectionate, active and cuddly. They do poop everywhere, although it's easy to clean up. They don't live very long, which is sad if you're attached and not so bad if you haven't really bonded. After five backyard funerals, we opted to go with rabbits, which live longer, or are supposed to. One of ours died about six weeks ago after a good long life for a rat, but not so long for a bunny. Now we have two who enjoy each other's company outside the cage, but want to keep their own apartments. We'll see if they decide to move in together someday.

As a vegetarian, I'm having a hard time picturing you tossing steaks around a grill. That's love, baby. I've cooked meat for my parents, but only at their house, and that was weird enough. Before she died, my mother was saving leftover take-out food so she'd have some meat at my house without me having to cook it. I told her I'd cook meat for her, but it was a nice gesture on her part to spare me the preparation.

[Harley]

Myrtle must stay away. I wish to remain the only apricot evening gowned woman in Bob's life.

Okay, I'm feeling reassured that I am not alone in this zoological nightmare. Yes, literal nightmare -- last night I dreamed there was an alligator loose in the house. My 10-year old chased him out.

[Harley]

Wait -- so who among you is coming over to set up the compost bin? Today's good.

[Holly Gault]

Hi guys, it's the blog renovator here. Until we figure out how Mr Typepad will allow us to link the names in the banner to their websites, you can easily access those websites by mousing over the books on the slide show.

Harley. You did it again. Too funny.

[Harley]

Holly, using "mouse" as a verb is so perfect for today's blog. Thank you. I'm now going to mouse over to the kitchen and have some breakfast.

[Laraine]

I'm very concerned that if Myrtle and Bob meet, well, do we really know anything of their true character? All very well to have duped their host families into believing they are quiet and respectful, but who knows what they'll get up to if they get together?

Harley, sorry I've no vehicle at the moment or I'd pop over and set up the compost bin. The cool thing about it is that you truly only have to dump the produce and leaves in and it turns itself into dirt. You can get fancy about it, positioning it just right for sun and shade, turning it, amending it, etc. or just let it be. Either way, you get dirt. Great dirt.
BUT: no fruit, no fish/meat or dairy in ye compost bin or pile, or you will be attracting fleas, and then all of your pets and any local rats (drawn to ivy, shrubby underbrush and palm trees) will become flea taxi's, destination: your home.

[Laraine]

Might be amusing if Pancake were to visit Harley's home occasionally. Then, visitors would be greeted by the image of Harley, first up in the morning, walking into the kitchen to turn on the coffee maker, and greeting the critters, nodding: "Sit, Pancake."

[marie]

Harley, this blog is hilarious!
We had a kitten who would leap tall buildings and come to a skidding stop just as my husband was getting ready to eat his crackers and cheese. That kitten loved his cheese.
Am I the only one who after watching the tortoise video admits that the slogan IOCHFTS is the real reason to love TLC?

[Nancy Pickard]

"Sit, Pancake," lol!

Mousing out to buy some plants this morning. Easy pets.

[judy merrill larsen]

You definitely are in the running for Mom of the Year!

Our all-time high was 1 dog, 1 cat, 1 guinea pig, 3 fish. We're now down to just the dog and cat. And of course, none of the kids.

[Harley]

Ah, Nancy, spoken like someone with a naturally green thumb. I speak to my plants, but it would be better for us all if they would speak back. And let me know when they're unhappy and why.

Marie, I'm relieved. I was worried that tortoise video was way too racy. As usual, I underestimated us.

[marie]

Harley, I always knew that the ultimate reason for the tortoise winning the race against the hare was because he could envision his antics someday being used on an instructional video.
Thanks for the wonderful blog and a happy Monday to all!!

[Nancy Pickard]

I do have two cats (down from 2 cats and 2 dogs), and they're easy, but I have yet to meet a plant that throws up a hair ball on my bed.

[Shelley]

Hey, Harley,

What a beautiful mess of critters you have! Just thinking about it takes me back in time, to when I lived with my ex-husband, 3 cats, 1 tiny dog, several fierce and warlike fish, a nest of chipmunks in the carport, robins in the hanging basket, mice in the outbuilding – and at least 10 box turtles at any given time, loose inside the house.

These were turtles rescued from the roadway by my ex. He would bring them home, drop them on the kitchen floor and watch them go. Usually they went under the sofa, so they were pretty easy to track. Part of my daily routine was to squat under the furniture with diced cantaloupe, offering sustenance to the refugees.

Once every five or six months I’d load up my car with turtles and drive to a heavily wooded area to set them free. Once I set free a rare water turtle my ex intended to keep – when he found out what I’d done, I thought he was going to divorce me. As it turned out, though, we had another five years before that happened.

Happy Memorial Day!

[Harley]

Yes, but wouldn't it be nice if the bougainvillea meowed when it's out of water?

[Rita Scott]

Nancy P., there are more than 2 people on here with mannequins. Well, if you count the guys blow-up dolls! LMAO! (where IS Dusty?)

[Nancy Pickard]

lol! It so would be nice, Harley. But the Impatiens would drive me crazy if they could meow. They're aptly named when it comes to watering. In fact, what I think they'd do is yip. yipyipyipyip!! Dozens of little bitty Impatiens all demanding for me to fill their wee water bowls. Roses would burp. "Too much water! Buurrpp!Too much water!" It might ruin their elegant reputations.

[storyteller Mary]

I think you have enough work to do caring for children, pets, and Bob. . .
When my frog Prince was in residence, I did feel a little sorry for the crickets (though it was a quick end; I doubt they felt much). A vegetarian friend said to give up the guilt, as there was no way to convince a frog to be a vegetarian.
I eat less meat, but don't want to give it up completely -- though I admire my disciplined friends ;-)

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Hey, all, just mousing over to add my two cents.

And I'd love to tell you about my (late and so missed) cats Lola and Leon, but that's another blog.

My husband and I really wanted a dog, but there's no way, with our lives and schedules so we decided on an INVISIBLE dog (Cornelia? a sequel?) who we named Wheatie. So, sometimes we open the car door for Wheatie (who loves to take trips), and when we take walks, Wheatie comes with. It's very easy, and if we forget, she doesn't seem to care.

When I was a kid, our family once had two gerbils, Chet and David. But the cat (Mrs. Purdy) (I have NO idea) ate them. And so it goes.

[Harley]

Hank, I have a good friend whose name is Wheatie. Once again it becomes clear that you and I are twins separated at birth (unlike the Hermans, who remain together).

[Nancy Pickard]

Hank: "When I was a kid, our family once had two gerbils, Chet and David."

lol! You really *were* destined to be a newscaster! But wait! No Walter?

I love the idea of an invisible dog. ::Makes lemon-juice note to go to invisible animal shelter.::

Original Flavor Tarts?! You didn't tell us there are SEVERAL people on here with mannequins. ::Rethinks this whole business. Decides I'll fit right in::

[mary lynn]

Wow. Harley, I will take all the bunny/g-pig poop you are willing to give away. And, you don't have to compost bunny poop for it to be usable, it's not a 'hot' poop like chicken or horse. It's also, by it's nature and shape, the original time-release fertilizer.

I/we can come set up your compost bin, but I would prefer not to get on the freeway today. Would another day be convenient?

[Kellee]

Off the topic, which of course is always funny when it is Harleyesque, but I'm still lost with the new site. Do you still have the spot where I can go for book suggestions like the old site? I found so many new authors that way and my TBR pile is dwindling.

[Harley]

Mary Lynn, are you SERIOUS?! And do you live in California?

Kellee, I think the site is still a work in progress, but I'll ask Holly. She's the brains of this operation.

For an official count, and possible news release -- exactly how many people reading this have mannequins? Show of hands, please.

[Amy]

Um, I finally looked at that video. I didn't know turtles moaned. Sex may never be the same again.

[mary lynn]

Harley, I'm always serious when it comes to bunny chit.

And I live in Long Beach with three cats, a dog and Tom. I also have two dress forms--do they count as mannequins? We used to have a 'Bob', but I got tired of him scaring me at night when I would get up to potty.

[Holly Gault]

Oh Kellee, we were hoping that the old book page would fade out of mind.
BUT WAIT! THERE WILL BE MORE! Mystery Lover's Bookshop has a weekly special -- we are trying to get that as a live feed on the sidebar AND!!!! some sort of book list that the Tarts (Original and New flavors, both) can post the books that they are reading -- all genres, all the time.

[Peg H]

I forgot to mention the nine Koi in our pond who will eat out of my hand and like to be petted. They are Speedy Jr., Ying, Yang, Lippy, Teaky, Spot, Callie, Sissie, and Old Man.

I'd set up your compost bin but I'm all the way out here on the East Coast.

[Guido and Luca]

Mannequins; yeah, we had Hendrick and Schmendrick. Schmendrick was Hendrick's half-brother. Same parents, but Schmendrick was made from the waist up.

[Rita Scott]

yes MaryLynn, dress forms count! Just smear some red paint on their necks for the realistic look that they've had their heads cut off! bwahahaha!

[JD Rhoades]

Man, that turtle vid is really disturbing. Equally disturbing is the number of other YouTube vids listed of turtles having sex.

[Paulina]

Harley, your zoo is just too amazing.
I have only a cat and nobody wants to take him for summer...

[Laraine]

OMG, Hank, Chet and David, seriously?! As Nancy P. says, you were totally destined to be a newscaster!

I was at the local nursery this morning, where they've added a mesmerizing cage of zebra finches to the jungle under the old quanset hut: one of the finches has perfected a cricket noise--I nearly forgot I was there to buy plants for my garden.

No mannequins here. No blowup dolls. No room, and the place is haunted, so the ghosts might object. No, haven't named the ghosts.

[Harley]

Paulina, send me that cat.

JD, I am so with you on the turtle sex phenomenon.

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Kellee, happy to send you any of my books you want...just say the word!

And we saw a Baltimore Oriole in our back yard today. We are SO excited. (Sigh. Are we pitiful?)

[Harley]

Hank, if those Orioles excite you, I can send you our ducks. I know you have your own, but maybe you'd like to start team sports with them? Ours are very, very messy.

[Karen in Ohio]

Hank, we saw a Baltimore oriole and an orchard oriole at our farm today! What a coincidence. It was my first time seeing either of them at the farm, although I've heard them before.

Harley, your life is never-endingly interesting. Your kids will have the best memories of growing up. Just don't tell them that Peruvians raise guinea pigs as a food source. (True, and they buy alfalfa in sheaves at the market to feed the guinea pigs.)

Composting is easy. When we moved into this house, 25 years ago (prompting Rod and Mrs. Rod to move, as well), we set up a pile in the backyard, just surrounded by chicken wire, no cover. Over the years we have thrown what probably amounts to close to a ton of vegetable parings, coffee grounds (and paper filters, which also compost), eggshells, and banana peels, plus used tissues and paper towels, wet newspapers, leaves, weeds from the garden, and ashes from the fireplace. Remarkably, the pile keeps sinking and is still not full, all these years later. And I feel incredibly virtuous that we kept all that stuff out of the landfill.

Two years ago I bought two large black plastic composting bins with lids. At first I kept the lids on, but the piles weren't getting enough water, and I kept forgetting to turn the hose on them. Finally I just decided to remove the lids, and now the compost forms more readily. These bins are nice; they have a door at the bottom that slides up so we can shovel out the finished compost.

I also have a dressform, and have been known to dress her up for Halloween, complete with a skull. To hold the pirate hat on, of course.

Happy birthday to the twins.

And Nancy, I love your Original Flavor Tarts comment! Of course you fit right in. ;-)

[Al_S]

Truly a brilliant post Harley, filled with your patented and compelling humor. It brought back so many memories. We started out with fish but my oldest daughter, then 3ish managed to set the thermostat to a slow boil before we noticed, turning pets into bouillabaisse. We tried another approach then, rats. Alex, Iris, Lisa, and Maggie were sweet wonderful creatures who captured the hearts of my three children. Alas they were short-lived so we then acquired a canary. The canary was not huggable and we soon had Snowflake the rabbit. Twinkle the rabbit came into our house for my youngest daughter. My son not wanting to be left out got a guinea pig named Angel. Twinkle was a devil-beast, Snowflake was sweet, Angel was just sort of there. To make up for the horrible rabbit, we adopted a guinea pig for my youngest daughter. It died eating a plastic bag that was left too near the cage. Finally we adopted two little dogs, Bubbles and Sparky. This is what we should have done from the beginning. They turned out to be the perfect pets for our children.

Anyway thanks for triggering the trip down memory lane.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Brava Hank the gorgeous......I was beginning to wonder where all the imaginary pets went......they were my life. Well......it may have had something to living close to the zoo and hearing the midnight to 3 bird to lion feeding schedule to lull me to sleep!

[Harley]

Thank you, Al . . .

And the fact is, deep down I am a simple dog person. Give me dogs any day. Truly a girl's best friend.

[Susan S]

Here's some good news. You do not need to compost all that poop. Bunnies and guinea pigs are veggies and their poop does not smell nor does it need to be composted. You can put it in the garden right away.

Do not read if you are squeamish -
Just so you know, bunnies have 2 poops. The first one you probably will never see unless your buns gets sick. This first one is very very smelly but the bun eats it as it comes out and then digests it all over again producing those dried raisins. Think cows and their 2 stomachs but with bunnies there is a second swallowing instead of a second stomach.

And as for Dixie's behavior, that is so typical. Rabbits are not prone to wanting a room mate unless they are bonded as babies. Bunnies only look docile. VBG
Thanks for the good laugh.

[Debby]

Ah, memories. I remember growing up with a menagerie of pets, and it was all my mom's fault! LOL!!! She absolutely loves animals, and passed that gene along to me.

Growing up, we always had dogs (two dachshunds when I was little), and a couple of cats (max was five until the one had kittens). Guinea pigs, always two adults, and then babies galore. A horse that was the sweetest thing and even got to be on tv (local news about the retirement home for horses). Fish (Sandy, Sandy II, Sandy III, etc.). A tarantula. A praying mantis. No snakes or other reptiles....ugh. And then two rabbits, that I thought were both females (Strawberry & Grape), until I saw Strawberry chasing Grape around....and was presented with six babies. :)

I am now under some control and just have my aged little dog, Bonnie. And the stray mama cat that moved in during the winter, and is content to live in the lap of luxury inside instead of fighting for her food outside.

[Cinema Dave]

Of course, when I saw the picture of Bob and the bookshelf, I blew up the picture to see what books were on the shelf.

Happy Birthday Bob!

[Cinema Dave]

Oh Yea,
Happy Birthday Lorenzo and Giana!

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

I will miss the phone calls and the great conversations with my favorite kids about the latest contestants in the running for a place at the new Animal Kingdom in the LA area. The funniest phone calls I have received in a long time.
Harley, the topic of tortoise sex never came up until now and I don't even want to know how you found that video. I will ease your mind though, as Hermann's won't start breeding until at least 6 years of age and it could be up to ten years of age before they consummate their relationship; plus the conditions must be right. If you withhold Barry White tunes, wine, mood lighting and veggies served by candlelight I think they can reside in your son's room without creating an educational event for you to explain.
Kathy, did I ever tell you about meeting the Grim Reaper when I lived in Canada? If not, you'll appreciate it.

[John Ray]

Because of reading your blog, I decided to start my own. I had never been interested in keeping a blog until I saw how interesting yours is, now I am inspired! Thanks a lot.

[Bob Monk]

Birthday gift baskets for children send happiness from far away, and remind your favorite child that you care. Choose a beautiful birthday gift basket today from Giftswish.com! Visit here: http://www.giftswish.com/gift-baskets-birthday-gift-baskets.html