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April 23, 2010

Manners, Mancini Style

Manners, Mancini Style

By Me, Margie aka Mistress Manners

Blog manners chart If you've been awake, like me, you've already figured out that people are dumbshits. Okay, most people.  Not you on TLC, of course.  I'm talking most people who wander around out there with their heads up their asses. Forget doing anything about these stunads.  Like SNL's James Carville says: "you don't engage these crazies." SNL is funny and Hader kills. Plus, my friend Bobbie Faye knows Carville and he is totally cajun loco, which is some crazy-ass crazy.

Blog el camino It's not like we can't do anything to help the rest of us deal with Joe the Dumber and his El Camino collecting pals.  Some people tell me the old antique cars like the Gremlin and the Pacer are the ugliest ever (WTF kinds of names are those for cars?  Was this before people could read words?) but I think the El Camino is the dog of them all.  It's supposed to be half car, half truck, and they are so old they don't even have satellite radio.  Half of anything is no good for anybody and I think you know what I mean.  No offense to our cousin Tino, who had one of his boys removed.  His wife Tina says he still delivers the goods and she would know. Plus they've got like 13 kids.

Yeah, okay, Manners.  Here is my simple advice on Manners:  Get. You. Some. 

Like, if you are in a nice restaurant with kids and Aunts around, don't go screaming dirty jokes or bad words. And take off your hat.  Everybody already knows your hair is for shit, and trucker hats are so far over that they should be worn only at Halloween.  Not even truckers wear them, and I know this because my cousin Vi is a, uh, hostess at a Truck Stop.  You know, one of those big ones with the showers.

Blog manners swift kick Or - if there are two lines of traffic that are supposed to, y'know, merge, then don't be an asshole and try to keep the other guy from merging.  I don't care if you're driving a Hummer - and don't think we all don't know about the whole over-compensating thing, hamster boy - you are going to get dinged by me in my new Lincoln and then my cousins who own the body shop are going to come and collect from you to fix it.  It has a custom paint job, plus special "M"s where those other dumb letters used to be, so it ain't cheap and they don't take insurance neither.  So, see, wouldn't it be easier just to take your turn instead of having to get a bunch of cash to pay my cousins, who will then totally know where you live? Good manners help everyone.

Next - listen up people who carry signs and have rallies or demonstrations.  Feel free to take a position. Although, seriously, have you seen some of these nads?  That much ugly anger tells me one thing: they wouldn't know a good position if it took 'em hard against a wall.  Or wherever.  I think most of these people would be much cooler and less likely to say rude shit if they were having sex.  Or at least a decent orgasm.  If you are over 21 and don't know how to fly solo, get a damn toy already.  Don't make your horniness a problem for the rest of us.  Totally selfish.  

Blog manners whip Anyway, so if you are going to take a political or social position on something, use words that have some fucking connection to your cause or whatever.  News flash: Hitler was evil on earth.  You don't go comparing anyone to Hitler.  And these death threats? Hello?  Want to get your pansy ass arrested?  I don't think so - unless you are a closet BDSM freakozoid who doesn't care if there is no safe word.  Prison is no place for most of these wipes. 

While I'm on the subject of vocal locals, here's another thing - stop treating people like scum just because they are different from you. That shiv cuts both ways, baby. Because guess what?  You are different from somebody else too, y'know.  And you might accidentally drive through the wrong neighborhood or whatnot especially if someone is chasing you and then blocking off the alley.  Capisce?

Last one for now:  don't go experimenting with something and then act all shocked because you get offended. Just in via freakin' Pony Express:  not all places or websites are for all people.  If you see a joint with flashing neon tits named "All Naked All the Time", don't book the place for your niece's First Communion.  Idiotas.  Or, don't do like our cousin Lucia and open up Chatroulette on the Church Rec Room PC "just to see if it's real." That girl is beyond dumb and I think some of those poor ladies there to set up the Fish Fry might be totally scarred for life. What does this have to do with manners?  Madonna Mia!  It means there are other people on the planet besides you.  Scemo. 

Uh oh.  Just got a text from Rocco that if I don't get there in five, my highlights mix is going to turn my hair green.  That is bad news for everyone involved.  I can't do everything around here - plus being late is totally rude.

Gimme some suggestions here for my new book-in-progress:  Mistress Margie's Manners. Uh, please.

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Comments

Yeah, Bobbie Faye met Carville and is here to certify: batshit.

As for manners, mine is: Look, if you're following me and your bumper is making mad passionate love with my car, I am going to have to stomp on the brakes. Because I want a new car and I'd very much like you to pay for it. Deal? You don't wanna? Back the freak off to a reasonable distance.

Oh, manners #2 (can you tell I've been driving a lot lately?)... driving time is for driving. You are operating a device that weighs a couple of thousand pounds and can kill people. Including you. So quit doing your nails or your taxes or talking on the phone while doing your nails and your taxes, because if you go sailing through the intersection again when I have the green light, I am not promising that I'll be able to stop within a hair's breadth of plowing into your kids' door. Seriously. Drive. Stay alive.

Guido: We are in agreeance that it is extremely bad manners to trick people.

Lucca: Unless, of course, yinz is inna rackets.

Guido: Lay down wit' dogs, wake up wit' dogs and fleas. Not news.

Lucca: Go to a strip club, go to a fancy health club with trained Eurasian masseuses, ya ain't gonna find true love, am I right?

Guido: Although ya might rent it for a while.

Lucca: Back onna topic . . .

Guido: It is extremesome rude to offer people a nice free social network facetime site, and then make free wit' dere informationance.

Lucca: Like we find out last night, allasudden, how there is a new FaceBook privacy setting called "Instant Personalization" that shares data with non-Facebook websites.

Guido: And it is automatically set to "Allow." You don't like it, you gotta go to Account > Privacy Settings > Applications and Websites, and then uncheck "Allow".

Lucca: A trick to embarass a rat, you know? How's Nonna supposed to know dis? Or howta turn it off?

Guido: You wanna make more money, open up a webcam subscription subsidiary wit' a nice Plain Brown Wrapper Novelty Store onna back end.

Lucca: Word that. Idioti!

A lack of manners is irritating enough, but criticizing someone who does is even worse. That's one I'll never understand....

Does anybody else think the new Honda Crosstour looks suspiciously like the Gremlin? Just asking in a desperate attempt to....oh, nevermind.

http://automobiles.honda.com/accord-crosstour/

Exception to good manners merge rule: if you hit road construction and everyone is very nicely waiting in line to go through the construction in single file, when some jerk in a whatever vehicle speeds past everyone while talking on his cell phone then tries to break in line without even putting on a signal, you don't have to let him in.

Well, there are still good manners in the world:

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-20003131-71.html

A young girl who was shot in an argument received a Text Message from the shooter's sister apologizing....

Wow....

bein' as I is a fancy-mancy society gal, iffin you fart or burp, don't be looking around for who did it. Walk away quickly and don't say nothin'

Now, William, that's just impolite. Iffin you shoot someone, a text is the least you can do. I'm sure Hallmark has a card for that. Get your butt in your car and go buy a card.

Hey Toni - I've been looking at cars for a couple of weeks. I've been tempted more than once to slam on my brakes and let someone buy me that new car.

I think it is particularly bad manners for some cugina to gossip about other cugina, especially to the nonna.

For example, HYPOTHETICALLY, if a certian cugina were to have told a certain nonna about seeing another certain cugina having lunch with Rabbi Morton, causing certain nonna to become very upset and have a fake heart attack/panic attack requiring a trip to the ER, that would be bad manners.

Of course, if one of you cugina could go to medical school or at least procure me a prescription for some prozac, that might make things better. All those ER copays are getting expensive.

Plus, like they used to say in the convent, what goes around, comes around. I'm sure that certain cugina wouldn't want me blabbing about certain activities to a certain uncle with a prominent facial apendage.

You think I don't know from The Golden Rule? I used to be a nun.

Just saying.

Love,
Cousin Rosie

Buongiorno, Bellas!

I will share a real life example of bad manners: people who make appointments and don't show up. This is not only rude, but makes it hard for some of us to make a living. These bitches could at least call! Yes, I am looking at you, Miss Janet Sarbinsky. I came in early because your roots look so bad that someone is going to plant tomatoes in there. Do not even think about calling me to squeeze you in either.

I feel much better now, my lovies - thank you. And truly, hand to heart, even the most minimal manners say you must keep or cancel your appointments. And be ON TIME! You can wreck my whole book if you come in late and expect the full service.

Spring has sprung - time for pretty colors on nails and toes, and a warm up to dark hair tones - let the sun dazzle some new highlights!

Back to the chairs.

Caio!

Back inna day, if a guy was, uh, competin' with youse, well, yanno, ya do what you gotta do, but always show some class about it. If, uh, Extreme Measures were called for, well, it's part of Business, but you sent flowers and took care of the guy's family. These kids today got no sense of class or style or nothin' like that.

P.S. Dearest Rosie - welcome to the real world. Fear not - all is checks and balances and you and I will do a bitch-check tonight and balance things out. P.P.S. Tell Rabbi Morton to get in to see me before his hair takes over the hat.

It is bad manners to not stand up and sing the National Anthem at the ballpark! The words are hard but nobody really minds if you mumble. My seamen are defending that song for your lazy dumbass.

It is, like, so bad manners to air your personal family griefances in public. Nobody is fooled by cugina. Anybody can put two and two twogether and get five, Rosie.

Also, it is super bad manners to hog the oregano, and not to change the coverlet on the sofa in the supply closet.

I think it is probably bad manners to say, "Yes, Steve, yes!" to one Steve when you are really thinking of another Steve, but me personally, I don't have that problem.

Love,
Cousin Rita

Well Rita, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about - well, I won't say. Unless YOU TOO said something about me that you shouldn't have been saying??? Do you have a guilty conscience or something? Should you go to confession? (Does Rabbi Morton even hear confessions?)

Oh hell.

I think its bad manners to go AWOL during Fleet Week and leave all the nonna errands to your other cugina. For a bunch of old ladies, those women really get around.

Just saying.

Love,
Cousin Rosie

It's Me, Margie.

Nothing like the Mancini Family taking over the whole f'n blog. Which is good because we know what we mean and we mean what we say or whatever.

I TOTALLY salute my Patriotess Cousin Rita - have some respect! Stand up, take off your hat, put your hand on your heart. People are up all night in nasty places with guns so you can even go to a gawddamn ball game, punks.

Rocco- thanks so much for the faboo highlights. I already handed out like ten of your biz cards. Love the new magenta color on them too.

Rosie - take a pill. Who told you to get a script? Just call Aunt Loretta. Sheesh. It's like your brain shut down that whole time you were in that place.

Have to answer the phone. I'll be back. It's not like anyone ELSE around here can be bothered to do anything. I'm getting a shirt that says:

My Bosses Went on Deadline and All I Got Was This Lousy Headache.

(That is not rude because it is totally true!)

Ok, I'll lay off the cugina.

I think its bad manners to take like 37 items into the 12 Items or Less (hello, FEWER!) lane at the grocery store. I mean, 13 or 14 is ok, maybe I'll even go as far as 15, but not, like, so many you need two carts.

Also, I think its bad manners to clog up the grocery store aisle chatting it up with your fellow stay-at-home-moms on the day before a holiday when hard-working folk are just trying to get out alive with the last Butterball. Save the play date scheduling for the playground.

AND I think its the worst kind of bad manners to disrespect The Godfather. I mean, if you're going to spout off quotes so you can pretend you're made just to get girls, at least get the quotes right. It's "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli," NOT "Leave the gun. Feel my cannoli."

Just saying.

Love,
Rosie

Call me old fashioned, but when you take the time to shop for and wrap up a nice wedding present, it's bad manners not to write a thank you note. Especially when I had to drive for 6 hours and get a hotel room for two nights.

Ugh, manners. You're gonna be sorry you got me started.

I'm totally on board with BeachFla's caveat about letting people in. I hate those amadons who feel they're entitled to get in front of everyone else, like their life is oh, so much more important. On the other side, my husband was just grousing last night as we're driving in to Philly to see Vince Gill (who was awesome), about the asshats who speed up to cut you off when you put on your signal to merge into a lane that's crawling anyway.

Also, cell phone calls in restaurants? Knock it off. Same goes with bathroom stalls. I mean, really?

For both shoppers and the clerks who check them out, a little eye contact and a "have a nice day" never killed anybody.

For people in stores or other busy locations, I agree with the conversations in the middle of the aisle, and would like to add you and/or your group stopping dead right inside or outside the door. And if you're walking in that door right in front of me, not letting it slam in my face would be appreciated.

And don't forget that just because someone is family or lives in your house, it doesn't mean they don't deserve common courtesy.

I think maybe I've gone off the subject of manners and just listed things that tick me off.

1. Road rage should not be your first response to a bumper sticker you disagree with. Just because you drive a Hummer or a Lexus does NOT mean you own the goddamned road, too. And if you're driving, HANG UP THE FREEKIN' PHONE.

2. Speaking of phones, pay some semblance of attention to your volume and your topic choice in relation to what is going on around you. My husband gets an education about the Allegheny County Penal System every other day on the bus, coming home from work.

3. Do not park in handicapped spaces. It isn't legal, and it isn't nice. And if you are not truly handicapped, lazy ass, do NOT try to con your doctor into giving you a placard so you can park closer to the store.

4. If there is an elderly person, a pregnant lady, or a parent with an agitated baby in the checkout line behind you, it wouldn't kill you to give them cutsies. In fact, it brighten's someone's day and makes the line easier for everyone, including the cashier, to tolerate.

5. Pull up your damn pants. I don't want to see your boxers, or your thong.

(Can you tell I just came home from the grocery store? lol)

I recently received three handwritten thank you notes -- wonderful! I will keep and cherish them.

"Yo, Betty! Larry here"

It says here in da etiquette book under "Latrine Manners" that if a woman puts up a toilet seat in deference to the anticipation of her mate's encounter with such seat that he would be so inclined to put down the toilet seat as a courtesy to her."
"Whaddya think, Betty?'
"I think that I would have better luck with da reinfoicmant of teaching Digger the Dog. That's what I think, Larry!"

Just a little thing, but I think it's polite. When a clerk or someone asks how are you, it is polite for you to answer fine thank you. Even more polite to then add and how are you today and wait for them to answer. Amazing how much difference this makes to your shopping experience with that person. Try it.

Amen, Jodi. I have often gotten the impression that a clerk is surprised when I ask how they are - which is sad.

I so agree with everything that's been said so far that I can't think of a single thing to say (and I'm preaching to the choir here): Do NOT assume that your choice of music is the choice of every other person within hearing distance...and remember that all those decibels will make some hearing aid company very happy in ten to twenty years time.
And, remember that retail clerks are people too. If they speak to you, please respond. It doesn't cost a lot to say good morning (or whatever),even if you're not having one.

Oh yeah...one last thing. Don't leave your kids in a play area and go off browsing...the clerks have other things to do besides babysit(or pay attention to which parent looks like a kidnapper or not, and more importantly, there are BAD people out there who love unattended kids. That's not manners, but it IS common sense.
Off to pay the Sears bill and get some lunch. Happy weekend!

So, the lady who talked LOUDLY and at length on her cell phone about how she couldn't get a job because if she did get a job she would have to report this to her attorney to report to her ex's attorney because the alimony payment would have to be adjusted to reflect her new income, WHILE standing at the cash register at FedEx Office yesterday while the clerk patiently waited for her to pay attention and pay her bill for about ten minutes until her dog nearly bit the poor man standing in the increasingly long line behind her, causing her to look around and notice a whole world beyond her own drama . . . GET A MAJOR CLUE.
And, is it rude of me to have posted so much information that this woman might recognize herself if she reads this blog? Probably, but it's nowhere as rude and thoughtless as she was.
BTW, if you're going to spend $50K on a car, and learn how to drive it, you may as well learn how to actually park between the lines in the parking lot.
Re: grocery clerks--I've asked several over the years about their experiences, and they say unanimously that customers in grocery stores are the meanest, rudest, most unkind people in the world. I was shocked. From that day forth, even if I'm having a bad day, I make sure to not transfer that to the grocery clerk. Back, knee, foot and ankle pain and carpal tunnel are enough punishment without having people be mean to you.

Agreed 120%, Jodi. It amazes me how speechless someone can get on the phone when they ask, "How are you today?" and I reply, "I'm good, thank you. And you?"

No one ever asks them how they're doing. A simple thing like that, it's amazing how customer service oriented they get....

Exceptional rudeness, but I love the headline:

WOMAN JAILED OVER CHEESEBALL MURDER
CANBERRA
Thu Apr 22, 2010 12:30pm EDTCANBERRA (Reuters) - An Australian woman who ran down and killed a man who threw cheese-flavored snacks at her car was jailed Thursday for 25 years.

"Sarah May Ward intended to injure Eli Westlake for throwing the snacks at her vehicle, judge Roderick Howie told the New South Wales Supreme Court, describing the 21-year-old's murder as "a senseless act of anger."

""She clearly wanted to teach the young men a lesson," the Australian Associated Press quoted judge Howie as saying."

Yes, yes, yes to everything posted so far! And a big Grazie to Guido and Lucca about the Facebook thing. Nefarious!

To all you college students out there -- let's talk.

First, e-mail is professional correspondence. It should include a salutation. "Hey" is not sufficient. It should also include grammar, spelling, and yes, even punctuation.

Second, your instructors are busy people. They do not sit at their desks 24/7 waiting for your anxious e-mail queries, nor should they be expected to do so. Wait at least 24 hours before sending your URGENT follow-up messages (especially when the urgency is due to your own procrastination).

On a corollary note - it's a good bet that your instructor will neither read nor answer the question you e-mailed at 10:00 p.m. concerning the exam that commences at 8:00 a.m. the following morning. Just saying.

Office hours are times set aside specifically for you, the student. The other hours of the work week are set aside specifically for, you know, the 30,000 OTHER things we need to get done. Therefore, please do not stop by my office outside of office hours, knock on my closed door (ignoring the sign prominently posted on said door -- at eye level -- explaining when my office hours are) because you "just have a quick question."

I'm OK with you eating in my classroom. I'm OK with you drinking coffee in my classroom. I'm even OK with you reading your e-mail while pretending to take notes on your laptop in my classroom. Sleeping, carrying on loud conversations, and sitting in the back with a newspaper in front of your face are, however, beyond rude.

Finally -- not READING THE DAMNED INSTRUCTIONS is exceptionally rude. I don't care that it ruins your grades. I do care that it wastes my time and that of your teaching assistants.

Whew. Good to get that off my chest :) Today was my last day of lecture as an overworked, underpaid faculty member! Whoo-hoo!!!


It must be something about spring, because Heather Armstrong was also writing about manners but with the twist of regional differences on Dooce:
http://dooce.com/2010/04/21/featured-community-question-accompanying-regional-differences

OT..For NCIS lovers!
There is a great TV Guide cover story article on The Six Men Of NCIS this week. Love these guys!

Great Blog Me, Margie.!!

I just finished reading that article, Marie. It was great.

Congrats, Kerry! Best of luck with the rest of your life!
Yikes!

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