The "Chap" Stick Chronicle

TLC welcomes Rod Pennington, our final Monday Man of 2009. Rod has a 3 book deal for the "Penelope Drayton Spence" series, is writing the screenplay adaptation of the  first book in the series, The Fourth Awakening, and still finds time to do laundry. Is that a Manly Man or what? Check him out at www.rodpennington.net

The "Chap" Stick Chronicle

of Rod Pennington

With a physique better suited for a nose tackle in the NFL than a model for metrosexual skin care products, I would appear an unlikely candidate to write a novel with a strong female lead and viewpoint.   After five novels and two screenplays – all with strong male protagonists – I recently made the leap and got in touch with my feminine side.The transition wasn’t as tough as I had imagined. Years ago, my wife and I decided we did not want our daughters raised by strangers.  Since there was considerable less demand for free-lance writers than for free-lance microbiologists, I ended up playing “Mr. Mom.”  Not only was I there every day when the girls came home from school, I never missed a recital or sporting event.  However, in an environment where the only other male in the house was a cat--and the girls neutered him--I quickly learned my place.

Since I have done nearly all the cleaning and cooking for the past 35 years, my blushing bride has fallen into some bad habits. She is baffled by those two large white porcelain contraptions in the laundry room. For years she has had the “magic” clothes basket.  Drop your soiled laundry in it, and a few days later your clothes miraculously reappear clean and pressed, and hanging in your side of the closet.  I’m not saying she never cooks, but a few weeks ago I asked her to pick something up on her way home and she called me from the grocery store. She couldn’t find the deli. 

Even after having spent several decades being closer to Harriet than Ozzie, I learned many things while writing “The Fourth Awakening.”    

First I wanted to use two famous Charleston family names for my primary cast of characters – Middleton and Drayton.  Middleton Place is where they filmed the Mel Gibson movie, “The Patriot”, and Drayton Hall is one of the few surviving plantations from the Civil War. The lead character was initially Penelope Middleton Spence. When it was pointed out this made the initials of the leading lady in my continuing series “PMS”, she quickly became Penelope Drayton Spence.

As I plowed ahead with the early drafts, where I would often revert back to my masculine instincts, I started getting hammered from a variety of women.  I began getting comments like, “women do not open things with their teeth.” “A fourteenth generation southern belle would NEVER use that kind of language.”  “Women do not routinely lean on their car horns and flip people off.”  “She would never be seen in public in that.”

As the testosterone began to seep from my mental processes and be replaced with estrogen I had a revelation.  It was so obvious; it was stunning in its simplicity.  Women are not the “weaker” sex; they are the “sneakier” sex.

With the average male being substantially larger than the average female, guys throw their weight around.  Using brute force, men are generally more confrontational and will often bully their way through life.  Men swing broadswords while women use well placed stilettos. Men settle matters with their fists while women eviscerate their rivals with words. Tough guys pride themselves on their self-reliance; women know there is strength in numbers.  Where men use their brawn, women have to use their brains.

Then it hit me.  Was it possible that my wife didn’t actually think my running the vacuum cleaner and doing the laundry and dishes was sexy?  Could she have been leading me on about her inability to figure out the complexity of our washer and dryer? Women aren’t that smart; are they?  Naw!

Comments

[Kathy Sweeney]

A great Manly Monday blog! Thanks for visiting TLC.

And if I were you, I'd watch my back, jack....;)

[ArkansasCyndi]

Funny. Good to have Manly Monday Blog again.

[William]

Real Men do laundry, know their way around the kitchen, and are actively involved with raising their children!

Thanks, Rod, and welcome to the circus that never ends...:)

[Rod Pennington]

I don't know about "the circus that never ends", usually I feel more like the louunge act that will never end!

[nancy martin]

Porn for women: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Cambridge-Womens-Pornography-Cooperative/dp/tags-on-product/0811855511

Thanks for being our guest, Rod!

[Karen in Ohio]

Well done, Rod. We've always thought Jan was a saint to put up with you for the last 40 years; now I'm rethinking that idea! LOL

TLC-ers: Rod's book is incredible. I describe it as The Celestine Prophecy, but with an actual plot, some laughs, lots of action, and genuinely engaging characters. It's a must-read. The fact that my husband, my daughter Holly, and I helped edit has nothing to do with it. vbg

[Rod Pennington]

Dear Karen of Ohio:

What the heck did you do to Steve? You read the manuscript like a dozen times and Holly went through it at least twice on my nickel. If I remember correctly it took Steve 3 months to read it and the totality of his comments were "not bad."

I was going to use his remarkably insightful review on the rear cover since it would pretty much assure me a year on the New York Times Bestsellers list but we were short on space. To include Steve in the list of credits is magnanimous to the point of raising suspicions.

[Dawn]

Thirty-five years and you're just now figuring it out? LOL! Thanks for the morning chuckle Rod!

[Rod Pennington]

Porn for women: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Cambridge-Womens-Pornography-Cooperative/dp/tags-on-product/0811855511
Thanks for being our guest, Rod!

Dear Nancy:

Great! Now do I not only have take total responsibility for the household I have to start hitting the gym? Geez.

[Alan P.]

Speaking as the almost exclusive cook and bottle washer and bearing a passing resemblance of a nose tackle, this was like reading a mirror. I may even pick up a copy of your book at lunch.

But, I would not trade school drop off and pick up for most things. And, having a little some one curled up in your lap saying "My Daddy!" Worth every hour of sock sorting.

[Rod Pennington]

Alan P:

It only gets better with age. We had an overnight with two of the grandkids last night and believe me “Pa Pa” sounds just as nice as “Daddy.”

[Karen in Ohio]

Ah, even though Steve didn't edit anything, per se, he was one of your first readers, Rod, even before me (because of my inability to read anything without copyediting), and he had a LOT of suggestions. Some of which you even took.

He gives me that kind of "compliment" all the time, too. Welcome to the club. lol

Rod's daughters are two of my favorite people, after his wonderful wife, of course. They're both a lot like her: fun, smart, and good straight men for Rod. Alan, I see a lot similarity between you guys, having met you in person. The big difference is that, instead of being princesses, Rod's girls were kick-butt athletes.

[Harley]

I learned "sneakier" growing up with four big brothers. One does what one must to survive and carry on the gene pool.

And for the cover art alone, I'll read that book, Rod! It's gorgeous.

[Rod Pennington]

Harley:

Thanks. A lot of thought and effort when into the cover design and is highly representative of the underlying science behind the book.

Each of the three symbols within the DNA stand represents a previous awakening.

[Alan P.]

"You say throws like a girl like it is a bad thing"

http://www.cafepress.com/+beat_by_a_girl_jr_raglan,49965573

[Mary Eman]

Any chance you could give my house a good cleaning? (The years of a "quick dust, run the vacuum cleaner, and knock 'em dead with great food" are starting to show.)

[Hank Phillippi Ryan]

Oh, dear, oh, dear...you may be letting the secret out. Hush, now, hush.
You know that "positive reinforcement" way of training pets and dolphins?
You think it might work for husbands?

Naw...

[Rod Pennington]

Any chance you could give my house a good cleaning? (The years of a "quick dust, run the vacuum cleaner, and knock 'em dead with great food" are starting to show.)

Dear Mary:

All you have to do is get a work order from “She who must be obeyed” and I’ll be on my way. I knew I had crossed the point of no return when I found myself recommending cleaning products to strangers in the local Target store. “When cleaning your granite top counters always use a PH neutral cleaner because…”

[Lil Gluckstern]

I am so glad I found this blog. Loved this Manly Monday blog, I am now off to find "The Fourth Awakening." All I can say is I would rather read than vacuum, etc. Alas, I don't have someone else to do it. So many books, so little time! Way too much dust. Thanks for a good read.

[Marie]

Bravo, Rod. I must seek out these titles since there are elements of spiriatuality, science and wisdom interwined.
I had a deep reverence for my Dad when he cooked and managed the household. It's strange that when my mom was alive she was the maternal goddess. When me dad took over he was the God of all things domestic and I worshipped his talents because to me they were unusual in society at the time.
I was wondering if a future cookbook written by you could be in the offing? I would like to see your recipes alongside Martha Stewart, if you know what I mean!

[SusanCo]

The one thing I can remember my father saying about my mother was, " She could make me do anything and think it was my idea all along". Now he said this with admiration in his voice. He didnt mind this happening? He knew it was going on? Was she the strong one and he was the weak one? Did he know and let it happen anyway? Or was he the smart one and let it go on because it made her happy? I would like to think that was the case. Neither one winning but both getting their way. SusanCo

[Laura (in PA)]

I knew we'd see you here! Awesome blog. Your daughters (and wife) are very lucky.

However, I have been known to open things with my teeth.

[Karen in Ohio]

Marie, a cookbook written by Rod would be AWESOME. (Rod, take note!) He has a restaurant background, and is a gourmet cook.

Fourth Awakening Cookbook. I can see it now, a companion to the popular series, by Rod Pennington.

[Rod Pennington]

I was wondering if a future cookbook written by you could be in the offing? I would like to see your recipes alongside Martha Stewart, if you know what I mean!

Dear Marie:

I would have to say a cookbook would be at the very bottom of my list. These are now personality driven from that skinny Italian lady who looks like she hasn’t eaten more than half a mouthful of pasta her entire life to Paula Deen who has never found anything which couldn’t be improved with a stick or two of butter.

Besides, you can now get every recipe in the world online for free. I would guess there would have to be less money in writing cookbooks than even fiction!

[Rod Pennington]

SUSANCO wrote:

Was she the strong one and he was the weak one? Did he know and let it happen anyway? Or was he the smart one and let it go on because it made her happy?

Dear SUSANCO:

In my mind a successful marriage is not a question of posturing and one-upmanship. It is a Yin and Yang thing where two lopsided people come together to make a perfect circle. My wife is a scientist and I’m the humanities guy. I love a good political argument while that topic will make her eyes glaze over. I’m high strung and loud; she is low-keyed and calm. Opposites really do attract. Plus, self-effacing humor and mutual respect goes a long way in a relationship. It sounds like your parents understood that.

[Phyllis]

I'm curious about your choice of Charleston references. Do you live near there, or did you visit once and have the place get into your blood (because that's what the Holy City does, you know)?

[Harley]

And I want to know how come a PH-neutral cleaner for the granite counter. Feel free to name brands.

[Mary Eman]

Dear Rod,
I still buy cookbooks - would that influence "She Who Must Be Obeyed" into letting you do a spot of freelance cleaning? You'd feel a real sense of accomplishment when you finished!

[Marie]

Rod, I agree with you that the heart and soul may have been sucked out of current cookbooks due to fanmedia madness. A family member requested THE JOY OF COOKING for Christmas. Of course this is an anniversary edition but the original author Irma Rombauer set out to lift the spirits of depression era housewives with comfort and wit. It's a testament to over 18 million copies sold that people want to be informed and educated. In my estimation the tv shows never show the humanity of cooking...no smeared countertops, no frustration at failed recipes and no smoke when things invariably go wrong. Thanks for your thought provoking blog today. It was great!

[Rod Pennington]

PHYLLIS Wrote:

I'm curious about your choice of Charleston references.

Dear Phyllis:

My wife and I moved to Charleston 7 ½ years ago when our youngest announced she was expecting. We told our daughters the first one to start producing grandkids got the grandparents. It wasn’t exactly a sacrifice; it meant we were either coming to Charleston or Jackson Hole, WY (Where my eldest lives and the second half of The Fourth Awakening is set. What an odd coincidence). There are worse places to live and either beats the snot out of Cincinnati.

We arrived in Charleston on May 1st and Alan arrived on June 18th. Friends and family thought we were friggin’ nuts, but it was the best decision we ever made.

[Rod Pennington]

HARLEY wrote:

And I want to know how come a PH-neutral cleaner for the granite counter. Feel free to name brands.

Dear Harley:
Granite is actually porous and may need to be resealed every few years. Strong detergents will not only take off the dirt it will remove the sealant. I clean my countertops with a washrag and mild dish soap with a near neutral PH. Most “Green” products fit the bill. Then I give it a final clean with Zep Marble, Granite and Quartz Cleaner.

Here is a link to a test to see if your countertops need sealing:
http://www.wikihow.com/Seal-Granite-Countertops

Lord, the depths to which I’ve sunk. Can an apron and a French Maid’s outfit be far behind?

[Rod Pennington]

MARY EMAN wrote:

Dear Rod,
I still buy cookbooks - would that influence "She Who Must Be Obeyed" into letting you do a spot of freelance cleaning? You'd feel a real sense of accomplishment when you finished!

Dear Mary:

I have consulted with “She who must be obeyed” and you’re request has been officially denied. In addition she has informed me that since I seem to have so much free time, she will compile a “Honey Do” list for me.

Thanks a bunch, Mary.

[storyteller Mary]

Rod, this was fun! Welcome to the sneaky side!
I'll get right on reading your book, right after I do a bit of cleaning . . . ;-)

When you finish the honey-do list, perhaps you can get a photo of yourself in the maid's uniform and post it online?? I truly think it could help sell books.

Let me know how the grandchildren like the Frog & Friends CD . . . smart of you to move close to them!

[Gayle Carline]

Rod, Rod, Rod...
I could have told you about the sneakier way that women fight. We don't have the physical bulk to take an argument outside and settle it with some punches. Instead, we just smile and "accidentally" forget to invite you to our party.

Nice post.

[Mary Eman]

Oops! Sorry to cause any, uh, problems on the homefront......now, I'm feeling like I really need to thoroughly clean my house as a penance of sorts.

[Rod Pennington]

Thanks to everyone who commented on my blog. It was hoot!

Rod Pennington

[storyteller Mary]

Hah! Already lost my "extra" copy of the book. I carried it with me to P.T., mentioned it to Mara, asked if she'd like to borrow it -- then said that if she has time to read now, she should keep that copy "because I have another at home." Such a deal! If I read fast enough, I can give the other to my book club leader when we meet next . . . How's that for the sneakier sex?