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October 08, 2009

Margie's Story Time: Celibacy

Margie's Story Time: Celibacy

By Me, Margie

It's been awhile.  But great news - one of the Bosses is taking a month off and guess who is going to fill in her slot?  Are you sitting down?  It's ME, Margie and my Cousins.  That's right - call this Mancini Month.  Every Thursday this month you'll hear from one of us - Rocco, Rita, and another cousin who is getting ready to leave the convent.  Don't ask - hopefully she'll tell.

Had a real hard time deciding on my blog subject.  I mean - it's getting harder and harder to tell who is writing the news - the actual real news people or The Onion. (One way to tell - the people who write for The Onion are smarter).  For a country that has so many hang-ups about how other people have sex, we sure do spend a lot of time treating it as 'news'.

I think it's time we had a nice chat about Celibacy, and here is a story to get us started.

In the beginning, there was light, and darkness and then water and land and then trees and animals and people. They were all Naked, and it was good.  All that nakedness meant that people and animals had sex whenever and wherever they wanted, because no one had invented a stick big enough to shove far enough up someone's ass that they copped an attitude about sex.  This is called propagation - or is it proposition - of species, and it was good. Okay, maybe it wasn't always good, but what the hell did they know about tantric sex and multiple orgasms? That's like saying: "Sure, they thought berries were good, but what about cheesecake?".  Which is dumb and if someone tries to ask an illogical question like that, you should totally assume they have something to hide, and it probably involves dessert.

They all had sex and offspring and at some point, they started to pair off.  They probably all chose mates in pretty much the same way - who gets the good food and - for humans, anyway - who completes the transaction, if you know what I mean.  Don't tell me males and females didn't have the locker room kinda talk back then.  You know they did, even though there were no lockers.  Or rooms.  I mean, I had Psych in college.  Those cave dreams and the whole thing about flying were around when Freud's ancestors really thought a banana was really a banana.

Humans evolved and invented all kinds of stuff, and choosing a mate got a helluva lot more complicated.  You couldn't just base it on the best schlongmeister, because that guy might have been dumb as dirt.  Or just dirty. Same with women.  Men figured out they shouldn't choose a mate just based on who had the best tits.  Wait. Never mind.

Then, of course, some knob had to start with the sexual taboos.  Far as I can tell, the people setting up the taboos were the same ones doing that shit in their secret basements.  Otherwise, people were still having sex.  Even priests.  I'm serious.  Until some Council of Greed made the rule, men of the cloth could get married. Even Popes had kids.

Sure, some people were paying for it, but that had been going on forever.  The currency may have switched from bugs to beads to bucks, but don't lie to yourself.  Supply and Demand, baby.  Look it up.

And then, the really dreadful stuff started.  Celibacy and virginity became hot topics.  Which is totally counter to every natural drive in humans and animals.  Because - duh - if you don't fuck, you don't conceive, and if you don't conceive, there are no additions to your species, genus, family, order, class, phylum or kingdom.  Then the whole system goes down the shitter.  Simple science people, and it even says it in the bible right there in Genesis - go forth and multiply - so don't start with the religious arguments.  

Next thing you know, people are fighting their own natures and actually NOT having sex.  Look, I don't think anybody needs to be banging whatever moves - or doesn't move, if you're a real creeper.  I get that some people are uncomfortable talking about sex, or maybe even having it.  (That second group needs to come to a Mancini Family Reunion, just saying, it's like a rehab.)  So here's an idea - don't talk about it!  Whoa!  Or even - ready for this revelation?  Don't have it if you don't want to.  Double Whoa.

But don't - and I mean this - DO NOT - project your sexual hangups or whatever on the rest of the population. It's all bullshit anyway - these people who try to tell you that sex is bad are really trying to control you.  Duh. You know that saying: "She who rocks the cradle rules the world?"  True, but also true is "She who rocks his world rules the cradle and every other damn thing in the house."

And let's not forget the other thing about 'Celibacy'.  All due respect to people who take those vows and actually live them.  But come on, people who claim to be celibate but are in fact doing everything but putting male tab into female slot aren't fooling anyone.  And where does flying solo fit into this weirdness?  Puzzling, isn't it?  That's because it MAKES NO DAMN SENSE.

To sum up:  sex is good as long as it's consensual; sex is necessary to create life (and if you don't want that part, there are 517 forms of birth control); sex is nobody else's business - having it or not having it. You wanna choose to keep your pants zipped for whatever reason?  Yoohoo for you.  But keep your mouth zipped about it too.

The End.


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You are the bomb!

Once again, you've hit that proverbial nail on its proverbial head!

Are we allowed to complain if we don't want to be celibate, but everyone else wants us to be--the result being that we are? Like I used to say, I didn't have sex in high school by choice; everyone else's choice.

Margie, did you just invite everybody here to the next Mancini Family Reunion?

If so, we gotta have a serious talk with people about what they can't say in front of our Nonny. 'Cause she's old school and stills thinks we're WFMs (Waiting For Marriage). Even Rocco.

God help us all.....

Cousin Rita - no lie. Maybe we should have some kind of a Mancini Reunion Boot Camp or something. I'm sure one of your Seamen could put one together.

BTW, my Mom says call your Mom about that thing she found when she went to clean out the nightstand in your old room.

Regarding the Mancini family reunion, I just want to come. No, wait, ahem, that came out wrong. Oops.

I guess reading all this so early, and without enough coffee, has me a bit flustered. But, I must say, YAY YOU, MARGIE!

Very funny, Margie. It was the remote control to my old CD player, but with my mom, it had to turn into a thing.

Me: Mom, you think everything with batteries is a sex toy!

Mom: Well, you can just blame your father for that.

Did I really need to know that? Like, ever? It's a miracle I'm not a prude or something.

By the way, you said seamen. Ha ha.

What a way to start the morning! Those "sex rules" are more about power than sexuality. That and "Do as I say, not as I do." prpbably started the same week.

Remember: If viewed correctly, anything longer than it is wide can be phallic.

Heaven help us, I just had a thought that Her, Margie should be American's Sex Czar.

Ciao Bellas!

Isn't this just the most fabulous thing? A whole month of Mancini madness. My blog is all about beauty tips for boys and girls. Because no one wants to have sex with someone who isn't fresh.

Cousin Rita - wake up, bubbles. You think Nonny Mancini- or Nana Toscana - or any of The Aunts for that matter - don't know about sex? Do you know how many cousins we have? Please. And those gals knew from before The Pill. Talk about tricks of the trade, sweetie! Clearly you missed the night of the Grappa after that double wedding of the Toscana Twins. We must talk.

Hear, hear!

Okay, but one question: at the Mancini family reunion, do they play . . . Henry Mancini hits? MOON RIVER and so forth? (I think that's Mancini. Oh, dear. I better google it.)

OMG... I got invited to a Mancini family reunion!! Should be a learning experience, in and of itself. :)

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Margie!

Did you have to go and tell EVERYONE I'm leaving the convent? All morning, I've been getting calls from Mancinis far and wide - even Uncle Paulie with the Nose called, and you know he never talks on the phone. Everyone kept telling me they saw I'm leaving on the blog. I kept saying "what is a blog, people? I'm in a convent, you know."

Cousin Rita finally had to explain it to me and told me how to get into the net. So now, I'm here in Mother Superior's office, sneaking onto her computer, when I'm supposed to be getting the wine ready for Sister Marilyn's funeral. Father Carmello's guarding the door, which is great, like the other sisters aren't talking about us enough already.

OOPS - I have to run. I hear Mother Superior coming...

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!!!

How do you get all these pictures to close? Every time I click on an X, another picture of a naked man comes up?

MARGIE, did you have something to do with this?

Hail Mary, full of grace.

I have to go to confession now.

Rosie--It's ONTO the net. Not INTO the net.

Sheesh. And she's the "smart cousin."

Oh, and I don't know nothing about no naked X Men, except that Hugh Jackman is hot.

Onto the net. I'll remember that.
Thanks, Rita.

Hey, can you ask your mom to tell my mom to get some cucidati for the party she says she's not having for me when I come home?

Who's Hugh Jackman?

Hey, You, Margie!

This has to be the best story ever told...well, with an exception or two.

I think that all of Margie's "Fractured" Fairy Tales should be put in a book.

Cousin Rosie - What did you think was going to happen when you told Rocco? Really - you might as well make a sign for the Columbus Day parade at this point.

Does Super Mama know yet? Oops - all due respect, Mother Superior in case you read this. Mea culpa. To the Maxima Culpa.

Margie - I THOUGHT Rocco would keep it to himself. And I didn't think you would go and put it all over the internets. Didn't Uncle Paulie with the Nose teach you anything about not using any form of electronic communication?

Thanks for the going-away present, by the way. Father Carm says thanks, too.

Gotta run, the funeral luncheon is wrapping up and I have to bring in the dessert. Those nuns can get pretty testy if they don't have their desserts on time.

(Oh, one more thing, before I forget. I didn't hear back from Rita yet - who is this Mr. Jackman? Is he her boyfriend? Will he be coming to my party?)

Oh, Rosie. You have so much to learn, Bella!

No worries, lovey, we are here to help you make the transition back to the real world. A world where miracles happen even outside the 'Vent - miracles like the breathtaking being that is Hugh Jackman. Sigh.

Looks like the Me, Margie & relatives posts this month should be quite informative...in a good way, of course!

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, who's Hugh Jackman? How long have you been stuck in that convent?


Don't say I didn't warn you.

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