Do Adults Commit Adultery?

Do Adults Commit Adultery?

By Elaine Viets

AshleyMadison.com is a Website for cheaters. At least they are honest cheaters – everyone who uses the services of the Ashley Madison Agency knows it’s there to promote hookups for horndogs. I mean, the site helps consenting married adults get in touch. And they’re not sneaking around. The self-proclaimed "wildly popular infidelity dating site" has run ads on national television and erected a billboard in Times Square.

(Go ahead and snigger. Nearly every sentence will sound like a double entendre.)

Ashley Madison president Noel Biderman even offered a money-back guarantee package. "With over 2.5 million members spread over all 50 states and a new member joining every 20 seconds," his press release said, "I feel 100% confident offering our members an Affair to Remember or their money back."

Ashley Madison is supposed to help people "when divorce isn’t an option."

I’ve been married more than 38 years. I am too high-minded to have an affair. Plus the guys who hit on me weren’t that interesting. Also, Daniel Craig didn’t ask me.

Most of the attempted hits ranged from sleazy to pathetic.

In the 1970s, when I was a twenty-something reporter, a minor rock star and one-half of Cheech & Chong hit on me. Unfortunately, I can’t remember whether it was Cheech or Chong, because I had a contact high from sitting in the pot-smoked audience. I was also covered with sticky sweet wine. Potheads aren’t too careful when they pass a wineskin over your head.

After the Cheech & Chong concert, I interviewed the two comics backstage. Then we watched a wrestling match in an adjoining auditorium. (A professional wresting match, not the backseat kind.) Around midnight, I had to go home. Either Cheech or Chong said, "Don’t leave me," and grabbed my blouse. Several buttons popped off.

I loved explaining that when I got home.

The Cheech & Chong encounter was at the pathetic end of the attempted-adultery scale. The sleaziest involved a St. Louis limo driver who pimped for Jerry Reed. The late country singer was then at the height of his fame for "When You’re Hot, You’re Hot."

The limo driver told me, "It would be an honor and a privilege to spend the night with Mr. Reed." I said no.

Mr. Reed asked me personally, then added insult to injury by telling me I was going home to my "fat redneck husband." The only fat redneck in this non-affair was Mr. Reed. He was more than a few pounds past his album cover photo.

I also got hit on by men in the newsroom. If I had a thing for overweight whiners, I could have had a field day. But that field stayed unplowed.

Recently, I looked at the available Fort Lauderdale adulterers on AshleyMadison.com. Sadly, the "attached males" left me cold. Many photos looked like they’d been swiped from romance novel covers.

Some photos had to be of real men, because they showed genuine figure flaws. One "muscular" man’s photo featured a well-developed beer belly. As for the gentleman "looking for conjugel visitation," sorry, dude. If you can’t spell it, I don’t want to do it.

I do wonder if the Ashley Madison Agency wants to rethink their motto: "Life is short. Have an affair."

Ever read the newspapers? See the television news? Notice those stories about jealous spouses shooting, stabbing and otherwise stomping out their loved one?

Life was a whole lot shorter for their victims. Some spouses take that "till death do us part" clause seriously.

Comments

[Josh]

I've never been to the site, but I don't doubt that it has led to "successful" trysts. You weren't good cheating material when hit upon, but then, you weren't advertising for co-cheaters on a website. If you had been, then the biggest hurdle (that of wanting to do it) would already have been leapt, and it just would have been a matter of deciding with whom to cavort that particular time.

Are there testimonials?

[Harley]

Oh, my God, Elaine, if Jerry Reed's album cover is any indication, you did the right thing. It's as if the photographer had said, "c'mon, Jerry, give us a leer."

I think that website is a sort of warm-up for people looking to get on the Jerry Springer show.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Let me get this straight - there is a network to facilitate affairs for married people? And they use their real names?

Wonder how many PIs are making a nice living from this thing? Think of the lawyer fees that Halderman guy could have saved if he knew about this.

My favorite bit: "When divorce is not an option"?! Really? Because I'll bet some people who get caught in this mess learn that there are far worse options than divorce.

On a completely unrelated note, is anyone interested in investing in a start-up called "Bobbits 'r' Us"?

[Elaine Viets]

Yes, Kathy, the website exists. There are names and photos, but I'm guessing about 98% are not real. And there's no guarantee you won't hook up with a stalker, murderer or some other weirdo.

[Alan P.]

A friend told me that a great many of the hook ups on AshleyMadison are the paid for hourly kind.

I would suggest you read the chapter on online dating from Freakonomics. Many people do not use their real picture. about 90% of people who say race doesn't matter only look at profiles of their own race. Men exaggerate about income. Women add bust, subtract pounds and years. What a surprise.

"It would be an honor and a privilege to spend the night with Mr. Reed." I'm sure that is what Mr. Reed thought about bangin' the newspaper hottie.

[storyteller Mary]

After due consideration, I think I'll just keep my library card up to date . . .

[William Simon]

Elaine, I empathize with your frustration that Daniel Craig hasn't asked you.... once more, Jane seems to have lost my phone number, and sadly, I've concluded Diana Rigg has misplaced my email....:)

Now then.

I've been in retirement so long I wouldn't know how to act anymore, but from what I've heard from my single friends, there's an entire generation of people out there, female and male, who consider PLAY MISTY FOR ME or FATAL ATTRACTION to be training films, and they are usually met on-line. That right there should tell one something about patrons of such sites....

[Elaine Viets]

It's okay, William. Diana won't take Don's calls either. Cyberspace is like the Wild West, and it's way too scary to pick up strangers there.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

When Dear Hubby & I got married all of 32+ years ago, I told him that if he wanted to fool around, he damn well better make sure I didn't find out about it or ask me for a divorce. The one thing he would not do is make a fool out of me. And he has lived up to his promise. At least that I know of, lol.

I'll be the 'recording' secretary for Bobbit's R US. I keep a log of all of the..umm..extra parts needed to keep the site going.

[Elaine Viets]

Funny, Pam, we have a similar agreement -- if you want out, say so, but don't sneak around.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Could be that German, midwestern influence, lol. I found out a few years ago that my mom told my dad the same thing.

[Harley]

Alan, I might have to read Freakonomics.

Any application that asks for my weight is one I don't need. Having it on my drivers license is gruesome enough.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Harley, I had to get my drivers license renewed on my 50th birthday. Missouri now uses your birth date as your renewal date every 7 years. When I went in to renew, I told them I thought it was incredibly cruel that it was on my 50th. The lady behind the counter gave me the best birthday present ever. She left my weight at my previous level. (and yes, it had changed...a lot.)

[gaylin in vancouver]

Yuck, that is one website I won't be checking out. I never had to worry about my ex-husband cheating on me, he was more interested in Gin or Cocaine to spend the time and effort finding someone to cheat with.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Gaylin - HAH! I had one of those.

[Rita Scott]

Pam, You record those 'extra parts' & I'll throw them in the blender so they can't be reattached! LOL

[Kerry]

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

'Nuff said.

[Peg H]

Please remind me to never have a blender drink at Rita's house...

[Mary Eman]

Paul Newman said "Why go out for a hamburger when I've got steak at home?"

Did the limo driver receive an extra gratuity for his procurement efforts?

[Elaine Viets]

No and when I told the paper what he did, the editors thought it was funny -- and wrote a highly flattering piece about the old pimp. Without mentioning his hobby.

[Karen in Ohio]

Egads. Taking lying to new levels, it seems.

Because my first husband was such a lying rat cheater when I remarried I told 'Is Nibs that if he ever cheated on me he'd wake up some morning singing soprano. I think he got how serious I was about not going through that shit again, but he is also not the kind to cheat.

As far as I know.

[Elaine Viets]

Here's my question: Do the spouses know that their husband or wife is advertising on that Website? Do they have an "understanding" to live separate lives? Do they ask the wandering spouse to come home with a test first?
This could really complicate a marriage.

[Karen in Ohio]

Based on my own experience, Elaine, I'm guessing a lot of these people say their spouse "understands", but they're lying jerks, and said spouse does not have a clue.

[Cinema Dave]

It is amazing that a word like "commitment" has no meaning.

[Littlemention]

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