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July 14, 2009

Help! My Husband is a Sex God.

Help! My Husband is a Sex God

So I was doing an interview yesterday with MSNBC.COM and the very nice reporter (a mother at home Penny pinchers with two young kids) asked me if there'd been any reader reaction to my frugality tips in THE PENNY PINCHERS CLUB, which as you may know (because I've told you a thousand times) is my latest book out that I need everyone to buy by the case.

I thought back to the comments I'd received via email and from other reporters and I realized that few had been impressed by the book's coupons vs. generic groceries debate. Aside from a Publishers Weekly note that the tips at the end were "spot on," most people were more interested in how the book's financially strapped married couple in other ways managed to, if you will, make ends meet.

This included a local journalist who got right to the heart of the matter by asking me if the "love scenes"Chaz  were inspired by my own sex life.

"Is that what Charlie's REALLY like?" she asked. 

OMG! I mean, okay, I do live in a small town (though it is the state capital) and this journalist, the editor of a local paper, is also the mother of a boy my daughter has been in school with since Kindergarten. And, certainly, when I was writing Bubbles and her main squeeze Stiletto, I heard comments about Charlie since, like Stiletto, Charlie, too, has dark wavy hair. Or should it be Stiletto is like Charlie? Anyway, the point is it didn't really matter back then because back then my husband, aka, Charlie Merriman, wasn't running for Vermont Secretary of State. As he is now.

"I think the voters of Vermont need to know this as we consider who to vote for for Secretary of State," a person very active in the Vermont school library system noted on my Facebook page after I tweeted about the above interview.

Musclecape Suddenly, I have a new problem. For years I've been thoughtlessly mining my own personal life for professional fodder without a worry. Remember the "100 day pledge" to have sex every day for, well, 100 days? Charlie and I made it pretty far despite all sorts of obstacles including the Romance Writers of America conference. The biggest concern I had then was that my teenage daughter would read the posts.

Then there was the blog wayyy back in the beginning when I wrote about how I "tricked" my husband into marriage through the old fashioned promise of certain sexual favors in perpetuity. I'd say men are "such suckers" for falling for that old shtick, but that'd be the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't it? 

All of this is out there floating in cyberspace. None of it is the fault of my husband except that he had the audacity to be a good sport. And I can't take back one single word.

Fortunately, this IS Vermont, a small state of 600,000. There have been more people at a Rod Stewart concert. And we're pretty tolerant in our politics and acceptances of lifestyles. Won't find many politicians beating the drum for Conservative family values around here, at least not in the race for Secretary of State where I think the "hot button issue" - not to pun, again - is increasing voter registration.

What I have to do, I've decided, is think like a marketeer. How can I turn my red face into a "blue" win for him? (He's running as a Democrat, you see, hence the blue. God, why can't I be this clever in my real life.) After all, the current Secretary of State, a perfectly nice woman who's probably going to run for governor, has not, to my knowledge, ever blogged about her sex life nor, ipso facto, had her sex life blogged about by others. Her thing is making sure kids understand how bills become law and access to government and all that kind of boring wholesome stuff.

So I'm thinking of a radical new "adult" approach.  How about these bumper stickers?

"Put Sex back in Public Office Where it Belongs: Elect Charlie Merriman Secretary of State"

Or, how about.....

"Merriman for Se(x)retary of State."

"Charlie Merriman: He Hikes the Appalachian Trail Every Night So You Don't Have to."


"He Can't File. 
He Can't Type. 
But With That Ass, Who Cares?
Vote Merriman for Secretary of State."

I dunno. Help me out here.....I think my marriage might depend on it.


Then again....maybe it won't be the sex that'll get him in trouble. It'll be scenes like this:


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How about...

Vote Merriman...HOBTFTS!

How about something like:

Go Scandal Free with Merriman: No Hookers. No Brazilian Babes. No Interns. He gets his great sex at home in Vermont.

P.S. FYI: when one's husband is a sex god, one usually does not ask for help.

Also, when he's elected, be sure to put a sign on his office that says something like: "Knock first."

I hope he's using those pictures in the campaign.

It's probably much better that Charlie's sex life comes out now, rather than later, as that never works out well. At least they know he's busy at home, so therefore not likely to be "walking the Appalachian trail" on taxpayers' money. (Will anyone ever think of the Appalachian Trail the same way again?)

Good luck, Charlie! I wish I could vote for you.

A different approach, for the women's vote:

"Charlie Merriman: Vermont's Mr. Darcy"

HA HA HA....being raised a good Roman Catholic...it never crossed my mind that you were drawing on..um..er...never mind...no more visuals!! I like to keep those kinds of things separate in my mind..again...ew....but as far as a logo..."Vote for Charlie...he keeps it in the family"? "If the office is rockin', don't bother knocking"....? again...ew....

Oh...and "Vote for Charlie...a man who knows the difference between procreate and recreate"?...still blushing...can't.be.funny.anymore.....

Sarah, you've got the perfect angle already, staring us all in the face:


Consider the possibilities. Anyone can get caught with a mistress or boy friend or whatever. To be caught WITH YOUR WIFE?!?

Bet Charlie wins....:)

My thoughts are too crude to share. Good luck with the campaign and vivid blog posts – particularly post-win.

I'm thinking there's got to be something I can do with the words "dick in the office," but every time I think about it, I think about Dick Cheney and then I get angry, especially since he seems to be able to get away with stuff that would get him strung up in other countries.

It's so confusing.

umm, maybe better keep me, Margie away from the campaign. You never know how she might 'buy' votes!

I seem to recall that a politician was once accused of practicing heterosexual monogamy and abstinence before marriage. He lost the race. Therefore, stay away from big words near voters.

On the other hand, a whisper campaign that a candidate for Secretary of State could be a double on "Hung" may be a vote getter.

Sarah, I've got an idea. There's a small company down here that makes Texas cider. The Dickens family has owned it for generations. Charlie needs to arrange a corporate sponsorship with them on the platform of "Every Woman likes a Dickens Cider once in a while."

Think that would work???

How about: Elect Charlie Secretary of State -- hands on politics -- hands off other women?
Hilarious blog, Sarah.
Elaine Viets

Ciao Bellas!

Rocco here with the first thing that came to my head:

"Tired of getting fucked by the government? Vote for Charlie - he does all his fucking at home."

Fabulous, no?

You know, William, I had to say that out loud really slowly in order to get it. But when I did? Tea all over the screen of my computer!

All I can say is with 13 kids, my suspicion is the wife of the author of the Tale of Two Cities had a Dickens Cider on numerous occasions as well.

But doesn't Dickens Cider need a modifier? "Healthy" "Big" "Tasty."

You've created a monster!

Wow! Campaign slogans in July...who'da thunk it? "Vote for Merriman...in the office every day, at home every night!"

Hi, It's Me Margie.

Rocco, you are an idiot. You can't use fuck in political ads. Duh.

Here's one for the older voters:

"The only V this guy needs is your Vote."

If he decides to run for, like Attorney General or something, I have a whole bunch about who's getting off. Just saying.

Soooo....there has to be something about Charlie being a Merri Man because he's in love with his wife. Or Sarah makes him a Merri Man. Married Man?
The photo ah lah MJ dangling Blanket...Trust Merriman - his family does.
Others are just to obviously graphic to mention.
I'm having a hot flash!
Just thinking.

He'd never win in South Carolina, would he? But Vermont is open-minded!

Merriman: He's No Spitzer.

No, wait, there's something wrong with that, too . . . .

"Spitzer?! He never even met 'er!"

That is the latest form of response in my house. It's a nice variation on "Your Mom" or "That's what she/he said."

Another slogan:

They say that behind every successful man lies a strong woman. Vote Merriman. Because his strong woman will also go under the desk.

William, Dickens Cider has horny goat weed in it! (& yes it works, don't ask)

You guys are killing me! And I can't explain to the kids why I'm laughing out loud.

I love the final photo where Charlie's holding his beloved son in that "michael jackson dangling Blanket over the balcony" way. I'm too sleepy to come up with an appropriate caption.

What fun! TLC's first political campaign that's all in the family! I'm thinking we simply use the banner at the top of our blog, with little caption balloons coming out of our mouths, some variation on "Hell, yes, he's got my vote" and "Yeah, I'd f*** him" and "Make Vermont the only state where the Secretary is a Rock Star"

Of course, the "I'd f*** him" would be coming out of Sarah's mouth, which would make it very Family Values.

Kathy, Elaine, Rocco, you've got it! -- how refreshing to have a politician interested in his own wife! It's positively inspiring! Happy election (and happy ever after . . . . ;-)

Almost too dull to share space with this topic, but I have become addicted . . . . to an electronic game . . . I thought I had an addiction to Sudoku and Free Cell Solitaire, but those were mild. I got Stone Loops of Jurassica on my iPod for 99cents from the App Store. Now I keep playing and playing until my hands hurt and I see multi-colored marbles when I close my eyes. I'm going to try setting a timer to limit my play time, but I may need an intervention . . . ;-)

For the record, Blanket was dangled out of a hotel window and Sam here is much older and only a foot or so from the ground. Then again, not sure the camera catches that Charlie was swinging him...a little extra thrill.

Charlie likes to hold people he loves not close to his heart, but by the ankles. Then again...that brings us around full circle and I'm not sure we want to go there, do we?

Hey, Sweet Love got mentioned in the NYT this weekend....at the very, very bottom of the Paperbacks section. http://tiny.cc/XFZHt. I'm pretty sure they just hit the paste button instead of cut.

Is there a word, flabarrassed? Because there really should be.

Take it from me, Sarah's wife. For the last twenty years, I've been in a state of constant flabarrassment. (And I don't mean flabby bare ass, Margie.)

oops, I mean Sarah's husband. (See? Sarah's got me all flustered.)

Aha! I want to have that FRAMED! "Sarah's WIfe." Yes! Yes! I win!

HA HA HA...Love this blog..laughing outloud at work!!! How about...never mind..was going to us DIck...can't print it!! "Loves his wife...loves his state...just in different ways?"
Great blog!!

OMG....thank goodness my coworker over the cubicle wall is used to my daily forays into the TLC world. And that I wasn't drinking my tea while reading. :)

I have absolutely nothing to add. Other than, I will campaign or lobby or whatever. For Sarah's Wife? I am so there. LOL!!!!

Sarah, Kathy, Harley, did you see Andrew Gross' post on FB about Thrillerfest photos?
LMAO, I totally lost it!

This gives a whole new meaning to 'stay at home husband'.

OMG-LMAO and then some. I am at work and I can not explain my laughter to anyone. I think Charlie is very hot, not just because of his looks (and oh baby he has them!) but truly because of his mind, his heart, his family values and his wonderful wife.

But then I go back to thinking that it's probably a very good thing that this Charles was dubbed Charlie and not Chuck. Otherwise there would be an entire R rated campaign quotes. Just sayin'

Better to have romance than nomance. I also love flabarrassed! Charlie, you made a new word---are you going to send it in to Websters for next year's list?

OMG-now I am thinking bad stuff, like election vs. erection. I'm gonna stop now. I'm flabarressed.

Hate to use the cliche, but "Sorry, Charlie". The "Sarah's Wife" comment means Game, Set, and Match to Her Highness, Our Lady of the Sleeping Beauty Proposal....

Hmm, when Prudential recruited me to be the first woman insurance agent in the Minneapolis Agency (so much more fun -- and work -- than being a secretary), they had to revise their terminology: "men" for Agent, "girl" for clerical staff, "agent's wife" -- yeah, my then-husband didn't go for that one. One of the managers coined the term, "sales partner" and looked to me for approval. Of course, spouse would work, but he was trying to make a point about working together for common goals . . .
A sense of humor is so important -- Sarah and Charlie, you rock!

Ok, so if Hillary Clinton gets sent to negotiate with foreign countries like Iraq and Saudi Arabia, will Charlie have to form treaties with New Hampshire and Maine? What about those radicals up in Massachusetts?

Charlie Merriman -- Because truth is even better than fiction.

"Charlie Merriman Has Nothing To Hide."

Just let *that* work its magic.

Husband is looking at me strangely as I sit here laughing. Loving these slogans.

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