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July 03, 2009

Big F, Little f, What begins with F?

Big F, Little f, What begins with F?

By Me, Margie and Rocco too

Blog capitol-fireworks02 Truth time.  Rocco and I wanted to write a blog about how, 40 years after Stonewall, they are still firing soldiers for being gay.  As if.  We've got some breaking news on that:  ya think nobody in the armed forces is gay?  How about the Beauty Salon business?  Or the fashion business?  Doctors? Lawyers?  Teachers? Checkity-check-check.  Wake up, dipshits.  As if we don't have real fucking problems in this country. But no, we decided that we'd prob'ly just be preaching to the converted, so here is the bottom line:  This Don't Ask Don't Tell bullshit needs to stop. Now.  We don't care if Obama does some Exec Order or the Joint Chiefs (not those kinds of joints - they have random tests for that) just get together and say "Who Cares?!"

And since we know most of you already know that, we're going to give you some info you can really use. We all know what the Big F stands for, specially those of you who OCHFTS.

What people forget is that the little f - foreplay - is just as important.  That's right.  If you are under the age of 20 and still have raging hormones, you can skip this because all you really need is to breathe, right?  If you're awake, you're probably ready to roll.

But for those of you who need more than 30 seconds to prime the engine, let's get back to basics.  Rocco said we should use jokes as examples.  We're not putting in the ethnic parts because we don't want to offend any body and besides, everyone can be guilty of these.

1.  "Brace Yourself, Brigit" is not foreplay.  Some people - men and women - need time to get in the mood.  Rocco says it's like checking the humidity on the weather channel.  I think you know what I mean.  If one of you is a walking Sahara, the other has a 0% chance of y'know, thunder and lightening.

2.  "Yea, I love ya.  Now roll over" is not foreplay.  Some people like to talk.  Some people don't.  But if you are trying to seduce someone, at least pretend to care.  Unless, of course, you're paying, then you can call the, y'know, shots.

3. "Hey, y'awake?  The game's over" is not foreplay.  Do not expect your partner to sit through some sporting event, or musical or documentary about bugs and guns and then somehow be panting for you when it's over.  Newsflash, bubba - rolling credits are not an aphrodisiac.

4.  Begging is not foreplay.  It's bad form.  Unless, of course, you don't care if your partner fakes just to get you to shut up.  Then, shame on both of you and we can't help.

And finally -- 

5.  The sound of a zipper is not foreplay.  Want to set a mood?  Try music, or candles or a nice glass of wine.  Standing up, adjusting the underhangings and then doing the slow zip doesn't do anyone any good, unless you have a perv neighbor with a long camera lens.  Same thing for you women.  Wait.  The other cousins and some various crew members of the USS Rita say it's completely different for hetero men.  In fact, they consider seeing a woman's lacy bra to be sufficient foreplay to fuck like rabbits.

So there you have it.  Wishing all of you a Happy 4th of July and best of luck in setting off your own personal fireworks!  


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It's so good to have expert instruction in these matters.

Ain't it the truth, Tom.

Hey Margie, it was fun meeting you at PW!

Margie attends Presbyterian Women meetings? Who'd have thunk it?

Washington needs to catch up with the rest of the country on Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Actually, Washington needs to catch up on many things.

Hmmm... And here I was expecting something about the Revolutionary War. Then again, I guess it is in a way.

Wonderful advice, Margie and Rocco. Truer words have never been spoken. Now how do I get my husband to read it, without pointing any fingers?

God help us all....

Hi. It's Me, Margie.

WTF am I doing at work so early? Glad you asked. I found out yesterday at 5 that "We might as well close early today because so many people are off for the holiday weekend."

Did this give me time to reschedule certain maintenance activities necessary to keep all parts of this office in good working order? It did not. The best I could do was to move them all to the morning. So Do Not Call This Office. I will be busy and probably won't hear the phone anyway.

Oops. Forgot to respond to your comments.

smr - doesn't matter where women gather, honey. What do you think the RC women talk about during breaks from teaching abstinence to grade school kids?

Laura - simply send him the link and say - "You've got to see what that nutty Margie has to say today". BTW - why doesn't everyone's partner read my blogs? They are always very educational, you know.

Peg - shhhh. I wasn't there in any, um, official capacity. You didn't take any pictures at that thing we did at that place, did you?

Jumping into bed at 3am, drunk, smelling like catfish bait, hollering "GIT 'ER DONE!!!!" is Not foreplay!

Soooo....I prefer the music candles and wine route myself. Dancing with or without clothes is also good. Think Thomas Crown Affair.
For one of my friends it is food. Feed her with loving eye contact and conversation and she's yours at the front door. She did have this accident one evening in California where she excused herself to the powder room and upon returning misjudged the arm on the chair (fancy place with big wooden brocade covered chairs) and sat squarely on it injuring herself. So much for romance.
And then my other girlfriend...in the hot tub, candles like in A Star is Born and music softly playing. Next thing you know, sniff sniff, her hair is on fire. Her date grabbed her head and dunked it underwater. Another waste of make-up evening.
Again I prefer dancing. A bunch of the girls in my company went to see the Bejart Ballet in a sports arena in Madrid. They performed Bolero and let me tell you there wasn't a dry seat in the house when it was over.
Just saying.
I also think the after part is as important as the before part. Falling asleep on top of you is not my idea of a good time. And yes this has happened to me and I was trapped for hours.

Hmm. I guess this is further evidence that I am weird. Foreplay, meh. Hurry the fuck up. I didn't marry the guy for his checkbook, you know.

Xena - hair on fire? Dry seats? You're a hoot.

Rita, you made me get a stitch in my side.

As for my own two cents' worth, "Didja wanna get a little?" is not foreplay.

It's been so long since I've had sex I'd forgotten about the little "f" part. Which is strange, I know, since Me, Margie works here in the office with me. Well, I mean, I'm working. I never know exactly what Margie is doing. Although there's always fresh toner in the laser printer, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

BTW guys, giving you a BJ does NOT count as foreplay for us!

And NO, I'm not taking my teeth out for it! LOL

"Maybe you can take care of this..." (it's not that I can't, so much as I won't) is not foreplay, either.

*Hijack- for ArkansasCyndi re: Nancy's blog yesterday, thanks for the website to Cake Wrecks. There's the most wretched, life-size cake of the bride with rick rack running down the side of the cake wedding dress. I laughed so hard my side hurt.

Thanks Laurie Moore. Isn't that just awful. I followed links to the bride's story. Needless to say, she sued the cake baker. For anyone who didn't click on yesterday's link, SPEW WARNING!

From the Mouths of Babes, I guess.

Rita - you kill me!

Xena - I am going to use that dry seat in the house thing - priceless!

Happy 4th everyone! Don't forget to honor our vets and our warriors as we celebrate another year of independence.

Margie, I know better than to bring a camera along to something like that--too many people would use pictures for blackmail purposes. ;)

Soooo...okay I'm back.
I forgot one of my priceless stories when we were in San Juan. Oh there are many from other countries but this one was over the top.
So we get there and the frogs are so loud you can't sleep. We're performing in a room the Tropicana? Tropicgala? that looks like you are lying on your back looking up in the rain forest. Roots of trees in the ceiling, twinklie lights and kind of creepy. Beautiful wood old timey Old San Juan Hotel. I expected to see the shroud of Liza on the wall in our room the humidity was so intense. Did I mention the frogs? (Coqui)
My roommate, our stagehand, was boffing the spot light man. That is not allowed when the company is paying for your room. No men unless they are gay allowed in your room.
Cabaret Girl rule number one. (more to follow at a later blog)
So I go to the see the Fort. You know tourist stuff to see the island with the producers. MEANWHILE my roomie is doing the horizontal folk dance with the spotlight guy in OUR room.
The maid knocks at the door. He leaps up and steps on the bed frame and slices his foot open. Blood is squirting out all over the rug and the bed and my roomie and she's trying to mop it up with the white hotel towels and figure out how to get out of this "embarrass-ing" if not life threatening situation and get him out of the room before I get back.
We spent the evening buying club soda at the bar and sneaking it upstairs.
Like I said...the after part is as important as the before part.
The fort was nice. Especially the turrets.
Just saying.

And Rita I'd think the motion of the ocean would do it for you!
The boys in my company would look at the sailors in port and say "SEAFOOD"!!!!
Just saying

Sorry, all but I have to ask:

You keep using it but I can never find it!
Please put me out of my misery!

Took me a while to sort it out when I first started reading TLC last year, Jill, but IOCHFTS or OCHFTS is an acronym . . . 'I Only Come Here For The Sex' . . . if I have understood correctly. Might be reference to a movie or book line?? Not sure.

You must be imaginative,   strong hearted. You must try things that may not work. And you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from.

Ask not, tell not.
The military is losing its grip.

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