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May 07, 2009

You Can't Make This Shit Up: Candies and Bristol Palin

You Can't Make This Shit Up: Candies and Bristol Palin

A New TLC Series by Me, Margie

Blog candies 1980 Okay, really?  You are not going to believe this latest crap.  Candies, the makers of the original FMPs, has teamed up with Briston Palin to promote - brace yourself:  ABSTINENCE.

I thought it was a joke.  First off, if ever there was a shoe that said: "Not only is sex great, but I'm looking to get me some" it is the Candies slide.  Do you have any idea how many thousands of pairs of those things were sold on that concept alone?  It's not like the damn things are comfortable.  I suppose this means they're going switch from come get me baby slides to old creepy don't touch me oxfords. No toe cleavage.  No breathing room.  No heel to elongate the female gams.  I'm thinking they are going to look something like these, which have the added message of 'back off, bub -  I could bite and not in a fun way either':Blog ugly furry Shoes96

And then, of course, we have Ms. Palin.  You remember her, right?  Got knocked up in high school and trapped into admitting it on a national stage when her mom decided to run for President.  I mean Vice President.  She and her beloved, a guy named Levi who is one of those 'shoot from the hip but tell the truth' kinda guys (you get that a lot with people who hunt) went along with the pretty picture for the press and said they were getting married, then (having spent too much time with the Palin family, I'll bet) went on Tyra after the break up and admitted, among other things, that they really hadn't had safe sex every time.  Ya think?  Now this guy is right out there with the C word (easy - C is for condom in this case) and admits that not only was it their only stab at birth control, but that they weren't exactly rigid about using them either.  

Bristol  Palin doesn't like to talk about birth control.  She is now promoting abstinence as the only safe way to prevent pregnancy.  There is just nothing worse than a reformed sinner, is there?  She got hers - pretty often it sounds like - and from a solid hockey player with a great ass - but now she doesn't want anyone else to get any.  Nice.  Kind of like rich people and tax cuts.  Oops.

As my Aunts would say: una vera cazzata - what a load of crap.  

And while I'm on the subject - WTF is with these abstinence only nuts?  Get a clue, people.  You cannot get kids to stop having sex with some kind of lamo 'just say no' bullshit.  They're called hormones - been around since the beginning of time and can't be stopped.  You might as well try to get my cousin Rita to skip the candy aisle when she stops in for the Midol.  It's called reality, folks - look into it. 

Here's a fun fact - according to surveys, the kids in the "No Fly Zone" or whateverthehell they call those chastity clubs are having more sex than the kids who actually want to have sex. They may not think you need to call it 'sex' but I've covered this ground before.  I don't care if you come in the back door, the front door, the bathroom window or down the freaking chimney - if you are in the house you are in the house.  My cousins and I refer to it as 'breaching the perimeter".  Actually, Rocco thought that one up.

What's next  - an Attorney General who calls himself a bulldozer when it comes to nailing criminals getting caught using his own credit cards to pay for - y'know - nailing women who are paid big bucks to say no to condoms and yes to dress socks?  I mean, seriously?  You can't make this shit up and there will be generations of Spitzer jokes to prove it.  "Spitzer?!  I just met her!"

Maybe they can hire Elliott Spitzer to be counsel to the Candies "We're taking the F out of FMPs" abstinence program.

Bitch, puh-leeze.  

I just know TLC can come up with more stuff that just makes you shake your head and say WTF?

P.S.  It's nice to share.  TLC is now on Twitter as LipstickBlog.  I just twatted about today's blog.  If you are tweeting, you can share it with your twits too.


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Candies were SO sexy in high school. There was a girl who was "having an affair" with a teacher, and she wore them. Even my gay friends melted when she entered the room.

I don't think Candies having a foundation against teen sex (I read that in Gail Collins' NYT column just now) will change the fact that their shoes do not say "abstain." They say, "you'll like seeing the bottom of these pointing at the ceiling."

I feel like an old fuddy-duddy, but I have to admit: I have never heard of these shoes. Wouldn't know one if I saw them. Have never understood the whole shoe thing, and have yet to see what makes a shoe sexy.

As for Bristol ... sigh. I feel bad for the kid. Hard enough dealing with hormones, an unplanned pregnancy, and adjusting to life as a parent without having to do it all in front of an entire frickin' country. After the year she's had, can we expect her to make a sensible decision? I know I couldn't.

I cannot believe this....

"Did you and the Last Honest Man get loaded on Jaegermeister and forget the 317 methods of birth control available today?" - Danny Tripp

Oh, and I'd like to add that I feel sorry for Bristol. It must be tough enough to be a drop out single mother living literally at the end of the earth (fact: three miles past Wasilla is where you fall off the edge), but with the publicity, the slut-shaming, the pressure of her family's motivations, it's amazing she seems as rational as she does.

Strange bedfellows and so forth.

I had two pair of Candies slides- white and denim blue suede. Lucky I didn't break something wearing those things.

I do feel sorry for Bristol to a point. Lest we not forget, however, how she took the national stage - her mother put her there, square and center.
I remember wanting Candies when I was in high school but my mother thought they were too "trashy". Instead, I had Dr. Scholl's sandals - pretty sad contrast, eh?

I saw Bristol yesterday on the Today show, and she did okay with the tough questions. But sitting beside her? Dear old dad. I couldn't helping thinking he was pimping out his daughter for media attention. Am I wrong? Maybe. But why would you put your kid through that kind of scrutiny?

Obviously, Candies and the Palins feel that all publicity is good publicity?!

Look. My daughter has a boyfriend, a CUTE boyfriend who plays basketball and used to be part of the popular crowd until the popular crowd - as so often happens - wised up the last six weeks of school.
And prom's coming up...
And she's 18.....
And....I need valium. But not Candies. Or Bristol Palin.
And while we're at it, can we get Bristol a new hairdo? Might do wonders.

Sarah, you should not worry about your daughter. You raised her, and she should have a good head on her shoulders. Just make sure she is prepared so that she doesn't catch something that she'll have her whole life.

And didn't she first say that abstinence doesn't work (duh) and now is apparently changing her story. I think everyone agrees it's not good for teens to be birthing babies, but I just can't understand the abstinence folks who seem to adopt the "stick your head in the sand" approach.

Ok, as a guy, shoes never did much for me. I did enjoy "High Heels are Murder" but I'm just not into shoes.

Bristol is not a reformed sinner. She is the normal daughter of a preaching hypocrite. America loves catching a hypocrite, be it the slut for abstinence, the law and order guy and his whores and the drunk for shutting down bars.

The saddest thing is that abstinence only education has been proven over and over again to not work. Candies would do better backing a real world teen sex program.

Sarah, I don;t know you, but I do know high schoolers. Make sure she brings her own protection if you think she is having sex. It is way better than a grandchild. And even "good boys" have been known to have STDs.


It's Me, Margie.

First off, Sarah - I'm calling your daughter. Don't thank me. I'm just here to help.

As for feeling bad for Bristol Palin. Huh? She may have been, uh, thrust into an uncomfortable position during the campaign (and she wasn't the only one - HAH) but this is all her. Ya can't have it both ways. Either she wants a private life to raise her child or she wants to be on TV.

And Judy is right - Bristol did admit that abstinence just wasn't realistic - I think it was that interview with Gretel Von Facelift.

We called em CFMP's. And WTF, who knew they still sold Candies. I need to get out more! As for Bristol, does anyone really care what she does? About as much as I care where Obama's getting his burgers. Her best option is to just stay under the radar. Unless Mommy Dearest is thinking of running for office - I don't need to hear from either of them.

William -- trust you to find the Sorkin quote that works for the occasion.

I was past the age of wanting Candies when they were hot, I just still wanted the advertised results of wearing Candies.

Ciao Bellas!

I just love it when I get a shout-out from my darling cousin.

Nancy, angel, you are so right about the hair. But then, look at the mother. And don't tell me there are no good stylists. If a woman is in a city large enough to house a television studio, there are good stylists within shouting distance.

Back to my lovelies in the chairs!

Ouch, my feet hurt just from remembering my Candie's. I think I wore them once. But not for long.

The case of Palins v. Johnston as played out in the media is just so, so sad. Parading family dysfunction to build up self-esteem or the bank balance or to get revenge or to build a political platform? Give it a rest. Please. And quickly.

There is that whole thing about providing for the child without, you know, actually going to work.

Exactly the same for me, beachfla. I had the Dr. Scholl's sandals, and couldn't have the Candies. Not that I could have walked in them anyway. They came back to popularity just in time for my daughter to get them - she has a couple pair.

And no, Candies have portrayed "abstinence" in my book.

Awesome quote, William. :)

Here's another question: What's Tripp going to think when he grows up and finds his mother held him up on national TV as the poster boy for why you shouldn't have teen sex?

Maybe we should start a therapists' fund for him right now...

And Nancy, I saw her yesterday on GMA, but no Dad. I wonder why that is?

I meant my first post to say, "Candies have NEVER portrayed...". Sorry.

Amen to all of the above.

Thanks to Bristol, I was given the opportunity to answer the question posed by one of my first-graders, "but how can she have a baby if she doesn't have a husband?" Thus opening up a big can of worms I wasn't prepared to open just yet, but oh, well.

Next, they'll all be reading the blog.

OK, is it just me, or did y'all get the giggles when you read "they weren't exactly rigid about using them either." 'Cause I'm pretty sure Margie, uh, slipped that in on purpose.

New bumper sticker: "Condoms. You gotta be rigid about using them."


(OK, sue me. I spent 4 hours in front of my spread sheets calculating final grades for 300+ students yesterday and I have no brains left.)

Oh, God. Spreadsheets. One word. Not that other thing. I don't have Candies. I do have a daughter who told me yesterday that she and her new hubby are trying to get pregnant. Did I mention that I have no brain left?


Nothing wrong with spread sheets, honey. Especially silk.

And thanks - I knew at least one person would catch that one.

Me, Margie

The whole 'Head In The Sand' thing? Something very like it is a sex position in the Kama Sutra. Must mean something.

As anyone who has fought desire will know, too loud a war gets you the opposite of what you want.

Anybody else think Bristol and Miss California will be on the same circuit at some point? The whole "I'm a Christian" line sorta takes a hit when her nudie pictures start popping up.

Whaddya bet she's all for abstinence too?

And, Sarah, I hadn't thought about how Tripp would feel being, as you said, the poster baby for why teens shouldn't have sex.

Soooo....there's that "Jaegermeister" stuff again. Remember I have a visor? Does that mean I'm looking for sex in all the wrong places? >WOOF<
(Have any of you tasted that stuff?)
All I have to say is what were you doing or who you were doing or not doing when you were 15? High heels had nothing to do with that I'm sure.
Abstinence? At my age they call it no men over 60 and still breathing available.
Children? Love them. When I was a teenager though, having one would have ruined my life. Just say no? Hey Ho NO!
Shoes are an accessory (and should always match the purse/hat and jewelry Rocco.) They are not the classic Betty Davis or Joan Crawford come F me pumps.
Candies were and in my book still are for nice girls with balance. I've never heard a guy say "She's got those shoes on so she's gonna be easy to seduce or push over for some horizontal folk dancing". And a tad of that pine tree snake juice probably helps too.
AND having sex with CFM pumps on is dangerous. Not that I know that (lately) but I bet Me, Margie has the hazard sheet for positions NOT to be used when you are wearing high heels. Or the ER statistics. I would speculate head in the sand is one of the ones on that list. Maybe that's why Candies are slides.
Isn't there a book called Candyland out now?
Juat saying.

I fell off a pair of Candies once & cracked 3 ribs. They went directly into the trash can!
Xena, you're right about guys over 60, but there are 2 in this town that must be taking viagra. I just told the old farts that they couldn't afford me! LOL

Someone may have said this already, but you know what bugs the living hell out of me? There is a baby who is going to grow up and learn that his mom went around nationally, helping to create an ad campaign wherein she has said, "Don't make the same mistake I made." So he's going to hear, repeatedly, that he was a mistake. Nationally. Growing up in the limelight was going to be hard enough for that kid. Growing up with your mom and grandmother explaining how you were a mistake? That's hell. And cruel and self-serving.

[I say this as a mom who was pregnant at 19. My oldest son wasn't planned, but he has always been one of the very best damned things to ever happen to me, and I am exceptionally lucky to have gotten to be his mom.]


Nancy said the same thing, and I heartily agree.

My son was a surprise too - I was older and married, but he's still the greatest joy of my life.

B Palin is willing to be a publicity tramp courtesy of her status as a teenage mom. She needs to spend some real energy on behaving like a mom - or should I say a good mom. When you look at it from the perspective Toni takes, it's not funny any more.

I gotta agree with Nancy and Toni...that baby is going to have serious issues as he grows up and discovers that he was declared a mistake on national tv. There will be no way that B will be able to turn that into a positive.

As for Candies, I never had them as a kid, but did pick up a pair for a Sarah 'Bubbles' signing. OMG...my poor knees (not supposed to wear heels of any kind due to massive knee surgeries). As for sex with them? Nope...not for me. :)

I couldn't agree more with Kathy, Toni and Nancy. My sis had an unplanned pregnancy, and that baby is a wonderful, beautiful 40 something mother of beautiful kids. What a blessing!

I can't help suspecting that Bristol was railroaded into this abstinence campaign just like she was almost forced into a marriage she really didn't want. I think it was pretty brave of Bristol and Levi to resist a contrived loveless marriage designed to help her mom's political aspirations. Hopefully the new parents will be happier around Tripp and show that they really do love him.

All that being said, I think this whole abstinence promotion is a bunch of bull. IMO, teach kids about the variety of birth control available, as well as the plethora of yucky diseases transmittable through sex, and maybe they'll make an informed decision about sex. I think this country would be a happier, healthier place to reside if there weren't so many prudes trying to tell us what to do (or not do) all the time.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I told my son that he ruined my life and I hope he felt good about it. He's 18, but it would have been more fun if he had been, say, six.

ROFLMAO...The best thing I have read in a while. This is too true and too FUNNY!!

Got to agree with Nancy and Sarah and Toni and everyone else. This poor little dude is going to need some major therapy. Whether he was planned or a surprise is, frankly, immaterial at this point.

He's here, and should not be paraded around as either a trophy or an anchor. The poor guy is likely to grow up with some serious issues, and Mom and Grandma are going to be standing around, wringing their hands, and screaming, "It's not OUR fault! WHERE did we go so wrong?"

Snap to, ladies. The baby's here, it's a little late to take the High Road. Raise him right, and stop making him an object for the media.

I made me so mad as a teenager that I could get Cosmo magazine in Canada but couldn't get the Candies advertised in them!!!

Rita - now I am glad I couldn't get them - 3 broken ribs, not so sexy.

In my 20's I did get a pair of 4 inch CFMP's, black leather stilettos that I managed to never fall off of. I loved those shoes.

I feel sad for the baby, since they already live in the end of nowhere, where can he go to not be 'that kid' when he grows up.

Abstinence worked for awhile when I was a teen, but it wasn't fear of pregnancy or STD's - it was fear of the wrath of mom!!!

That's what this generation needs more Wrath of MOM.

On the Today Show, Daddy Palin went to far as to call Tripp "a mistake". What a loving grandpa.

And Ms California is in trouble - not for her "Christian" stance, but because of the topless pictures that are beginning to show up on line. (I have a link if anyone wants it). There is talk of taking the title away because of the pics.

Candies - Never wore them.

True story - I had a 15y/o postpartum patient. Her mother REFUSED to allow birth control to be discussed with her daughter (the NEW 15 y/0 mother) because...are you ready???
>>>>She'd learned her lesson and wouldn't be doing that again!

Cyndi - I had a co-worker whose daughter had 3 children by the time she was 19. When the first pregnancy occurred, they "didn't know what happened." The daughter couldn't take b/c pills, because they "didn't agree with her". Apparently she never figured out what happened, since she had two more in two years.

Oh, and the mother (my co-worker) said, getting pregnant young "runs in their family". Ah.

As I told both my girls:

Yes, it is true. Abstinnce is the only 100% effective birth control and disease prevention mechanism.

But they had hormones & that negates any thought of abstinence.

Like the Boy Scouts say, "Be Prepared".

My neighbor's kids came to me for information. Mom & Dad would just spew the "party" line about abstinence but wouldn't let the school (and this was a Lutheran school) tell them anything. They gave them no information other than "Don't do it". Not even what could happen if they "accidentally" did. I was not comfortable being known as the neighborhood sex info gal, but better than one of them end up with a baby or a disease. I gave them the basics, reminded them of what their parents believed (and thought the kids believed...how naive), and they should talk to their parents. If their parents still didn't want to address it, I gave them the phone number of Planned Parenthood. In only one case (out of 5 kids) did she go to PP.

I was so angry at all of them for being so narrow minded about the basics of biology & kids. And how hypocritical they all were. None of them got pregnant before they married...none of them were virgins when they got married either.

Hurrah for comfortable un-sexy shoes (coincidentally, I just had a conversation about those with a good friend, who has decided that perhaps it is more important to walk well than look good) and open communication between parents and children . . .and in another coincidence, I just found this link on Lessons From Our Children http://www.speakeasystorycast.com/
thanks to my storytelling friend Ellouise

I spent the morning telling stories to 1st and 2nd graders -- the first graders stuck with me through an hour and a half of stories! Then they had to go to lunch, but they still didn't really want to leave. Gotta love 'em! Their teacher was one of my students, way back when, and they think that's just amazing. Some of the 2nd graders were her students last year, and when they showed up for the Festival event last week, for which I was MC, they made me promise to visit with stories since I wouldn't be telling that day . . .and I couldn't resist them! It was a delight!
I filled them in on the frog's return to the wild. The last few nights there has been a wonderful frog chorus all around my house. I think he's found his friends!


The UPS man is asking for you again, what should we tell him?


I will never understand why there are some people who truly believe that all the world's sins could be solved by the philosophy of "Just Say No?" Just think of all the bad things that have happened to millions of people in the world if we had just adhered to that simple thought.

Gosh, if Abraham and Jesus had just taught us to say "Just Say No" thousands of years ago, what a difference the world would be today!

Okay now Mr. Hitler, when you have the overwhelming desire to go out an annihilate millions of Jews, "JUST SAY NO!"

It scares me to think there are millions of people out there that believe this is a true "fix."

My mother use my Candies as an incentive for me to attend Church (Catholic) on Sundays in the 1970-1980's. Seriously! Clearly, my father understood the FMP message they were sending, but decided the message was worth the cost to get to church without a big hormone meltdown! My mother and I clearly missed the FMP message, because we had to ask my father the definition of "mooning" at the Coal Miner's Daughter movie. (He explained it to her and she reluctantly explained it to me later that week...) Sheltered didn't even begin to describe my teenage life!

Arghhh! Nonsensical Bristol.

I really liked the idea of "breaching the perimeter"! From an outsider point of view (I am Swiss), let me just say that this puritan concept of abstinence is particular to the USA... in Europe, going through the window is considered a much more intimate sexual practice than "sex", and apart from the small enclave of the Vatican - remember the pope very intelligently saying to all those Africans that only abstinence worked against AIDS, and condoms actually made things worse (HOW???) - abstinence is not something that is seen as feasible. Then again, we inform and educate our children in schools, and as sex is not such a taboo, young people know how to protect themselves. Am I wrong, or is the fact of having children so very young so publicized in the US that it actually has become "cool"? I'm thinking of Bristol and other popular culture figures, but also it being a recurrent theme in talk shows, or even in tv shows (sth like the secret life of the american girl?). Do any of you think that perhaps by making a big deal out of it, teenagers tend to emulate these (though negative) models?

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