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March 09, 2009

It's not your hair, pal.

It's not your hair, pal.
By Lisa Daily

It's obvious that I watch entirely too much TV. 

I have thyroid disease (hypo) and the last 17 edge-of-my-airplane-seat-thrilling months of touring and traveling and eating crap in the rental car as I cruise around listening to the sweet sounds of my GPS has apparently thrown it WAAAYYYYY out of whack.

For me, hypothyroidism comes with a myriad of frustrating symptoms including weight gain, to my eyebrows falling out, to oddly kinky hair, to the inability to get to sleep (or stay asleep) at night.

This sleeplessness not only makes my brain generally mushy and fairly useless throughout the day, but it also has me watching whatever the heck I can find on cable at the rich programming hours of 2 - 4 am.

For those of you snuggled in your jammies, snoring away at three am, please allow me to fill you in on what you've been missing:

*****

I recently saw a TV commercial that caused such a reaction in me that I nearly snorted lemonade right out of my nose.   Let me remind you, I spent eight years as an advertising copywriter, so this feat is nearly impossible.  And yet, it happened.

The commercial opens with a man in his pajamas alone in his double bed, and he is WAY over on one side of the bed.

Then, we cut to the bathroom, where a lonely "HIS" towel hangs forlornly on the rack, the matching "HERS" towel apparently packed up by the former Mrs. when she took the kids and moved in with her mother.  Then, we hear the voice of Mr. Lonely Towel Guy saying, "after the divorce, I didn't know how I was going to get back out there..."

Cut (immediately!) to a scene after the man formerly known as Mr. Lonely Towel Guy has apparently discovered the miracle that is JUST FOR MEN hair color:  he is cruising along in a jeep alongside a giggling Bikini Babe, his newly refurbished hair whipping in the wind. 

After some time bouncing around on the beach, and a bit of frolicking with Bikini Babe where Mrs. Lonely Towel Guy used to sleep, it's clear all of Mr. Lonely Towel Guy's troubles are over:

The hair dye has actually healed the pain from his divorce, in just FIVE MINUTES!

Don't you fret, towel boy, I'm sure it wasn't your impending midlife crisis, or your incessant whining, or the fact that you left your toenail clippings under the recliner every Sunday night that caused the rapid decline of your marriage --  IT WAS YOUR HAIR!  The former Mrs. Lonely Towel Guy just couldn't take it any more!

Good GAWD, when you marry a man, for better or for worse, till death do us part, the LAST thing you expect is for his hair to turn gray!  Am I right ladies?

If only you'd discovered that little box of magic a bit sooner.

And the tagline?  Stay In The Game!  That's right, brothers of Mr. Lonely Towel Guy, the only thing standing between you and a hot Bikini Babe is a $7.99 box of hair dye.  I recommend "Macho Man Mocha."  It's just your style.

I dunno, maybe I should give Mr. Lonely Towel Guy a break:  He's sad, his wife left him, he still can't sleep in the middle of the bed, he has to use that damned "HIS" towel every day because his wife took all the good linens, and he feels like crap.  Maybe he just needs a little pick-me-up-in-a-box and the freaky love of a stranger to get himself through the night.

Lisa

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Comments

I hate those ads. The one that makes me roll my eyes is the one where Mr. Lonely Guy has two teen (or pre-teen)daughters who think it's time Dad start dating again. Really? The DAUGHTERS want Dad to date? I'm sure.

And then there's the one where there is two sportscasters who are doing play-by-play on some guy trying to pick up chicks in a bar. He strikes out UNTIL he dyes his hair (or maybe it's it beard and mustache). Now, once his gray is gone, the woman can't keep their hands off him.

And Lisa, I've been await for hours! I couldn't sleep last night. I bet Sarah would blame DST!

Lisa, you just nailed the reason why the TV stays locked on to Turner Classic movies or Fox Movie Channel. These commercials are funny, but the ones that really make me laugh are the "Feeling less confident because you're going bald? Try our new Brass Magnets along with the Super-Duper Conditioner, and you'll have a full head of hair in NO TIME! Feel more confident with the opposite sex, enter a conference room and dominate it," etc etc etc.

My hair started falling when I was 29. If you need a full head of hair, or no gray hair after the age of 50, to feel confident and secure, well, Bubba, your problems are lots bigger than I can help you with....

I just read something about how women don't care if men have gray in their sideburns. Or maybe it was men don't think women care. Who does these studies anyway? Are there studies? (Actually I'm pretty sure there was something in Freakonomics about hair color. Or thickness. Or something.)

And what ever happened to "distinguished"?

I'm with Arkansas Cyndi--that ad where the daughters are begging their dad to 'get back in the game" makes me snort. And yeah, Lisa, you're so right . . . I'm betting anything it wasn't the gray hair that made the missus pack up the towels and hit the road.

Mr. Lonely Towel guy really needs the "excitement" pills and the Girls Gone Wild Videos from the next commercials.

My daughters keep asking why my gray hair is black in the pictures of just me and Mommy. "You made daddy's hair gray, princess." Of course Miss Lisa keeps mommy's hair it's natural color.

The daughters getting dad dating again ads. Who's bright idea was it for one of the girls to try to hook dad up with their friends GRANDMOTHER???? Yes I know some fine 50-60 somethings, but if the need ever arises I plan on fishing at the younger end of the pond.

My favorite late night insomnia commercial is the one where someone, the announcer guy?, is whistling in the background, while all the neighborhood wives admire Bob's new found popularity in the his pants. 'The big and better theory' is 'hard' at work here. All the neighborhood husbands stare enviously as Bob bounces one neighborhood wife on his knee after another. Puke!! What is wrong with those woman, Bob probably has some as some nasty disease. I'm sure Bob's wife just can't wait to share! And do I want to know about it--NO! Ewww! If Bob comes to my house, and tries the bouncy knee thing with me, I'll kick his skinny butt right back to Timbuktu. Maybe 'Bob' and 'Mr. Lonely Towel Guy' should get together and share products, because neither one gets my vote.

I don't know how I missed that one. I keep seeing the one wherein the pending high school grad gets accepted into Tech, and the youthful-looking Dad with the premature gray decides he needs to go for that job interview. Of course, his careful pre-interview prep includes Just For Men.

Uh huh. Like he couldn't see college looming, or that businesses discriminate against youthful grey-haired men. Sure.

I believe that like I believe that sitting naked, by myself, in a white porcelain bathtub looking out over the ocean is romantic. Cold butt and all.

Wow, I'm definitely missing out by taking my Simply Sleep every night!

Let's not forget the all time champ of men's hair products:

Ron Popeil's Spray Paint.

I don't know whether it has a name, but that's what it is. Spray paint for the bald spot(s). Classy.

You know, about the Just For Men hair color, I saw some guy who had used some kind of hair color--don't know what kind, but anyway, it got all hot, sweaty, really humid. He's smiling away, thinking hot and cute..right? I glance over and he has a streak of black, (I did say his hair was black, didn't I), black color running down the side of his neck. Almost peed my pants, tried not laugh, but it came out in a loud HAHAHAHA. He had no clue.

Thanks for all the marvelous comments. And yes, DST sucks.

Ack --
I forgot about the SPRAY-ON HAIR!!

William, it is a known fact that balding men have more testosterone. You can't get any more manly than that.

There are plenty of hot bald guys.

Aside from the devastatingly handsome Tom Daily, I nominate BRUCE WILLIS and ED HARRIS.

Lisa


Arkansas Cyndi-
That one always kills me too -- just what every child wants -- a replacement for MOM.

Puh-leese.

William,
Amen.

:-)

Lisa

Oh, my God, I'm cackling like an idiot. You guys crack me up, starting with You, Lisa.

I can't believe Me, Margie hasn't weighed in yet.

And people wonder why I'm not ready to date again.

Late night commercials will clean out your colon, color your hair, enlarge your manliness, and then you can use your Sham Wow to clean up any messes.

Hey Lisa
I have a hypothyroid disease as well, Hashimoto's. I don't have a big problem with insomnia, I do have a problem with the need for excessive sleep. The two or so insomnia nights (thanks to peri-menopause) I have a month - I make myself go to bed anyways. So I am missing all these great commercials!

My hair has thinned out considerably with the thyroid thing - do you think if I spray painted my head, I could start attracting men??? I don't need to enlarge anything . . .

I don't watch TV so I don't see these soooo wonderful commercials. The one with the bouncy women on the man's lap sounds really gross though.

My hypothyroidism is caused by an atrophied pituitary, so many of my hormones are low. I have a hard time losing weight and my skin is dry, but on the bright side I can sleep just fine and don't have to see the oh-so-fabulous commercials discussed above.

Geeze---all this time I've been suffering from insomnia I could have been entertained by these late night commercials. Instead I've been reading into the wee hours and/or tossing and turning. Tonight I might get up and turn on the tube. If it doesn't put me to sleep at least I'll get a laugh.

Well said Peg H. I spewed Coke all over my keyboard. How about a warning next time!

Great post!

I can't stand the viagra-whatever-it-is type medication that 'Santa' takes and grins idiotically while the news circulate around the 'lady elves' who grin secretively and line up to sit on 'Santa's' lap. Pardon me while I barf...

I bloody sure most of these ads are written by men - because they don't have a clue!

Marianne

Passing a Sham Wow to ArkansasCyndi...sorry about that.

I happen to think men look great with some grey, but the issue these days is the job market. From what you hear, men and women both are feeling terrible pressure to look yournger through hair color or any other means in order to compete in the cutthroat environment out there!

DH and I have been together for 10 years, he was sort of gray when we started dating/living together and is now pretty much full on grey. I feel so bad for the menfolk who blame their hair on their lack of dating skills or even how to act in public (or private, even)
I am a shift worker, so we get to see all of these 'great' infomercials each night. We play 'virtual drinking games'. We choose from a few topics we know is going to come on, "order our free DVD", "hair loss", "girls gone wild", "male enhancement".....etc....We choose our virtual booze and take virtual drinks with each commercial.

Soooo....as I have said many times...over 60 still breathing with health insurance. Hair and teeth optional.
Real men do age gracefully and any bimbo in a bikini will NOT find your older menfolk attractive unless they are millionaires and then who needs hair? (like Anna Nichole!)
I don't watch TV so I am blessed without the tacky commercials.
Snorting lemonade at 3AM in the morning sounds really awful. I can't sleep either but that's because I have 40 people to dress next week. Can't I get a a show with 4 people that stay in the same outfits all the play all night long?
Greek names drive me nuts also.
Youridahsee? Check out how that's spelled!
Pehtrockalis? Ack!
I'm lost. Or...it's all Greek to me.
Just saying.
Nighty night Lisa.

It was a full moon last night (and tonight), and that always causes insomnia in my entire family, even on cloudy nights. Better than growing hair and fangs and howling at said moon, but not by much.

My husband was somewhat grey when we met, and now he's nearly white-haired. I like it. To look young all I have to do is stand next to him.

You guys are hilarious. 'Nuff said. Thanks for the guffaws.

I slept soundly last night, so I must not share that "full moon" trait with you, Karen.
The scary thing about these commercials is that someone, somewhere is falling for them. . . time to check _Idiocracy_ out of the library again. . .

My hypothyroidism manifested itself as weight gain, being achingly freezing cold in the slightest draft, not sleeping well, and having what is so perfectly described as "brain fog". It was like I couldn't think for months! When I finally went to the doc and said I just didn't feel right, they said, "Oh, we noticed your thyroid levels were a bit low your last checkup." Never mentioned it to me! When the new blood tests came back, it had fallen very low. I've never been so thankful for a pill, so I could feel like myself again.

Hey Lisa:

Hysterical post about the Hair Dye for Manly Men. I can suggest some supplements (natural) for the hair loss problem that are fabulous. And no, I don't carry them, so I'm not looking to line my own pocketbook. Feel free to e-mail me off list.

I have a hard time understanding balding middle aged guys, mostly because I'm one of those middle aged guys who still has a full head of (long) hair. True, the gray is taking over, but at least the hair is staying on my head.

All of these hair dye, get six pack abs, load up on viagra, drive a sports car, drink a manly beer, act like you're 25 again commercials crack me up.

Dudes...you are NOT 25 anymore!

Those young hotties that will supposedly swarm all over you? Not gonna happen unless you pay them.

That hard, muscular young body you want? Forget it! You had one once and you stretched it all out of shape.

Those 4 hour erections? You'll end up hurting yourself trying to boink like a teenager. Besides, with that swollen prostate of yours, you can't wait 4 hours to pee!

And that dyed hair? Women can spot that sort of fakery a mile away, which is the real reason they are smiling at you...it's suppressed laughter.

It's middle age...live it and stop whining.

Meanwhile, I'll be brushing my long hair that my wife has forbidden me from ever cutting because she thinks it is TEH SEXY:)

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