Girls' Guide to the Superbowl

Girls' Guide to the Superbowl

Notes from the Tarts: This blog is a classic that we felt merited repeating considering the showdown today between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals. Cindy, we realize where your loyalty might fall, but pardon us while we pause to shout, "GO STEELERS!"

Anyway, for those of you who still think a down is for stuffing pillows, may we present the following:

The Tarts don't know any more about football than the average woman, but we are skilled at appreciating big men in tight pants.  When it's halftime at Puppy Bowl, we'll be flipping over to the Super Bowl to check out the wildlife there.  Naturally we want to look smooth while we do it; we like to look smooth at everything we do.  So to better prepare ourselves and as a public service to those of our readers who might be in similar straits, we've put together this handy Girls' Guide to the Super Bowl.

Before we begin, we need to test your football IQ.  Please take the following quiz:

A. Which of these is proper football terminology?

1. Forty-Ninth Parallel.
2. First and Goal.
3. "Those Bums."
4. Third Base.

B.  The sport with the hottest guys is:

1. Football.
2. Baseball.
3. Tennis.
4. Diving.
5. Other [write in].

C.  I would prefer my love child to be fathered and abandoned by:

1. Tom Brady.
2. Eli Manning.
3. Lance Armstrong.
4. Kenneth from 30 Rock.
5. Other [write in].

D.  If I were on a "ticket" with Barack Obama, I would want him to be:

1. On top.
2. On the bottom.
3. There is no wrong answer to this question.
4. Other [write in].

E.  The proper thing to serve at a Super Bowl party is:

1. Buffalo wings.
2. Nachos.
3. Ribs.
4. Beer.
5. Other [write in].
6. All of the above, and plenty of it.

We haven't written a score key, but we're pretty confident you passed that test.  Now you're ready to move on to the "Helpful Hints" section of the guide.

Step 1 -- Rooting  The Super Bowl involves two professional football teams playing a football game against each other.  This year, the teams are called the Giants (from New York) and the Patriots (from New England, a/k/a "the Pats.") People who watch the Super Bowl are expected to care which team wins.  They're expected to care so much that they may engage in any of the following behaviors: yelping, whooping, saying "Yessss!" while pumping fists in air, shouting obscenities at the screen, punching or throwing things.  Any of these are acceptable behaviors at a Super Bowl party, and in fact should be done if you want to fit in.

Step 2 -- Picking a team.  There are several ways to decide which team to root for.  We list them in order of popularity. 

A.  Root for the team your parents rooted for.  This method has a big advantage.  If your team turns out to be bums, losers or cheaters, or to have a dick for a quarterback (see Step 3 below), you just say, "Hey, this is how I was raised."  (Michele was raised to root for the Pats.)

B.  Root for the team that represents your geographical area.  This method has the advantage of not pissing off your neighbors or getting your kids beat up at school.  However, it can lead to rooting for teams you might not want to be associated with. (By the geographical method, Michele roots for the Pats.)

C.  (Applies if your team was previously eliminated in the playoffs).  Root against the team that delivered a humiliating loss to the team you previously selected using methods A or B above.  NOTE -- make sure to prepare snappy rejoinders in advance in case somebody shouts "sour grapes" at you during rooting.

Step 3 -- The players   Viewing the Super Bowl requires some passing familiarity with the players, at least, the ones who throw the passes (known as "quarterbacks.")  The following links will help you prepare for the game and appreciate the pulchritude of two men who, while not perfect, are very pleasant to look at.  .

You are now fully prepared to watch the Super Bowl or even to attend a Super Bowl party.  One final word of advice -- remember, it's all about the guys.  And if that doesn't do it for you, there's always Puppy Bowl.

   

Comments

[nancy martin]

No need to read about the Pats and the Giants this year (sorry Eli) when we've got that hubba hubba picture of our beloved Steeler Troy Polamalu to admire this morning. Is the man gorgeous, or what?

Off to make the chili. GO STEELERS!

[Pam aka SisterZip]

GO CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I don't find this guy particularly attractive...just not my type, but you can't help but love the guy.

KURTIS THE STOCK BOY AND BRENDA THE CHECKOUT GIRL

In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice
came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was
almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and he fell in love.

Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again, outside of work. She simply said it wasn't possible. He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter Reluctantly she accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, "Well, let's take the kids with us."

She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not
taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet
her children. She had an older daughter who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis thought, then Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a paraplegic with Down Syndrome.

Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the kids can't come with us?" Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman with two kids, especially if one had disabilities - just like her first husband and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary - - - he had a
different mindset.

That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children. Since then they have added two more kids.

So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl? Well, Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is currently employed as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his Cardinals in the hunt for a possible appearance in the Super Bowl. Is this a surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was not an ordinary person.

It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI.
He has also been the NFL's Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl's Most Valuable Player.
AND THE REST OF THE STORY:
Kurt, his wife and 7 children go out to eat he has one of his children pick out a family eating at the restaurant. Kurt then tells the wait staff he is picking up the tab for that family's dinner anonymously. He remembers the days he was working nights
in the grocery store and feeding his family on food stamps.

Now that is a beautiful man!

(But Troy P is goregious, YES!!!!)

[Sheila Connolly]

Gee, I guess I'm not average, because I have a passing understanding of football. This happened mainly because my husband took off for Mexico for a year, leaving me with empty Sundays. Since I was in the Bay Area, I ended up watching a lot of 49ers games. Those were their glory years, and I got hooked on Bill Walsh's beautifully crafted game. Yes, I saw "The Catch." I even have a Joe Montana Christmas tree ornament.

Since the Patriots fell short and Philly shot themselves in the foot (as usual), I'll take the Steelers.

[Maryann Mercer]

Since the Bears, Colts, Giants, and Saints are not in the picture, I'm rooting for the underdog :o) I always do...and I want it to be a tight game (take that however you like) because otherwise it's just downright booooorrrrrrring. Halftime for me means checking out what's on the other channels, although with The Boss on tap, I might just stick around for a while. May the best team win, but pardon me if I wear red, because I look really bad in black and gold.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Pardon me while I tear up at Pam's story. Sniff Sniff

Now, the "game". I have no dog in that fight. Mostly, I'll watch for the commercials and occasionally flip over to the puppy bowl for some real action (is it on this year.)

I probably have as good an understanding and love of football as any red-blooded male in the US! :) I'll watch football even if I don't have a team to cheer for.

[storyteller Mary]

Yes, Pam! Kurt is still helping various good causes in St. Louis -- the man has loyalty! One Christmas my aunt reported that he and his children had visited her nursing home with Christmas stockings filled with toiletries and socks and such. He said he wanted them to learn that the spirit of Christmas is giving.
. . so Troy P is the subject of the photo at the top? Verrry interesting . . .

[Pam aka SisterZip]

They still have a home here. I think he has said in the past they would like to retire here. But I imagine if he wins today...Arizona might want him to stay. lol!

One of the better looking players in a uniform (full helmet, etc.) was Mean Joe Green. The backside of that man would bring on vapors.

[Karen in Ohio]

Seven kids! Eep. It's not 14, but it still gives me the shivers.

What a great background story on Warner, Pam, thanks for sharing it.

I'm not a football person at all, and thankfully, neither is hubby, although we do enjoy SB parties when invited. I happen to know that many SW Ohioans detest the Steelers because of their bitter rivalry with the Bengals (AKA the Bungles in our household). I suspect that's why there are no SB parties going on among our immediate friends.

On a different note, perhaps some of you who were hoping more for the Me, Margie type of day today would enjoy my friend's site. She makes artwork of fantastic (as in fantasy) shoes, but the best part is the commentary that goes with the art, similar to the old hardboiled detective/vampy female suggestive kind of backstory. Well, judge for yourself, she calls them Shoe Stories:

http://www.claudialynch.com/shoestories.html

[storyteller Mary]

I'm sending that link to my shoe mavin, Margie!
Karen, again we are twins. I've only been to two Super Bowl parties, and it was for the people, not the game.

[Karen in Ohio]

I've been shoe shopping with Claudia, and she does have amazing taste in shoes. And she has a wild imagination, well reflected in her art. Hope your friend enjoys it, Mary.

[xena]

Soooo....excuse me but what is the Puppy Bowl?
I've got rehearsal so I'll be rooting for either the Greeks or the Trojans tonight. I do love the commercials as my friend is in advertising. They'll do highlights so I'm not missing much. And there was this incredible story in the Atlantic a while back describing how the live televised football game is put together. Fish is the true hero! "The hardest job in football" Check it out. January/February 2009 THEATLANTC.COM
And you know your first girl loves beer!!!!
Just saying.

[xena]

Soooo....sorry. THEATLANTIC.COM

[Karen in Ohio]

Xena, I have to ask, given the play you're working on: Do the Trojans have anything to do with, er, clothes for the 1,000 dancing penii?

[Harley]

I was a Steelers-fan-by-marriage and not even divorce can undo that.

GO STEELERS.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Puppy Bowl is on Animal Planet during the game. They scower shelters for cute active puppies & put them in a pen resembling a football stadium. They throw in some toys & watch the fun. They play, they fight, they sleep. An absolute hoot!

And for your entertainment they have the Kitty Half Time Show.

GO CARDS!!!!!

[William Simon]

There's a football game today?

[StephanieInCA]

I for one could not care less about either team in the Super Bowl, so I'm playing super bowl drinking bingo. Cheers!

[StephanieInCA]

Forgot the link! http://urbzen.com/2009/01/31/super-bowl-drinking-bingo/

[Becky Hutchison]

StephanieCA, sounds like a fun game.

Pam, thanks for the great story. I love hearing about people like Kurt. We need more up-beat stories like that in the news too.

My team, the University of Tennessee, didn't even get near the "Super Bowl" of NCAA this year. They tanked! But my loyalty remains with my alma mater.

Now if I were pressed to pick a pro team preference, it would have to be the Colts, since Peyton Manning was once UT's quarterback. Regional connection would be Redskins or Ravens. Family history...again UT.

When my husband and I are invited to SB parties, he enjoys the football with friends...I enjoy the friends and ads. His team is and always will be the Redskins, and since they slightly missed the playoffs this year, he isn't rooting for either team. But he will watch, since he likes football in general. I'll watch a movie or check out the Puppy Bowl.

[Josh]

I'm taping the Puppy Bowl. It's like the Teletubbies--video morphine. Can't handle the Super Bowl, with two teams playing whom my team dominated at one point this season (although not when it counted).

[storyteller Mary]

so is this Puppy Bowl ever available on the Net for us Luddites with no cable?

[Pam aka SisterZip]

You might be able to watch some of it online after it is over, but it is on cable only.

[storyteller Mary]

found a clip! http://weblogs.newsday.com/entertainment/celebrities_blog/2009/01/puppycam_animal_planets_puppy.html
Cute!
Today I saw sled dogs at the Big Read kickoff for _Call of the Wild_ I didn't even know we had sled dogs in Missouri -- the snow is mostly gone BTW.

[dibt orwubm]

gdpc hnbr iwvb nzpw xyeijn ncqjspa fnwg

[Melissa]

Go Redskins!

For Question B, I had to write in 'soccer'. Soccer players have the best legs.

[Jordan Shoes]

When you are thinking of being on your feet all day long in sneaker, you want to make sure you can get the most comfortable shoes you can get your hands on.