Senator Me, Margie
Senator Me, Margie
I could never be a Senator. And it's not just because of that thing we did that time at that place we went, either. I don't have the patience for any of the bullshit - the campaigning, the fund-raising, the making nice with idiots, and most of all, the bus. If you are going to run for Senate, you have to travel all over the damn place. Since direct flights are rarer than a Dodo Bird, most of these pols get a bus.
Have you been on a bus lately? They're like rolling dorm rooms. Too small, too cluttered, and not well ventilated. I mean, no wonder Willie Nelson waltzes with the wildwood weed. If your bus has to smell like something, at least make it something that can give you a decent contact high.
But, for the helluvit, let's say I wanted to run for the Senate. Here are some things I could do that wouldn't stand in my way:
- Have a secret kid with someone other than my partner. Tougher for women, but still.
- Get indicted for, like, major felony shit
- Pay professionals for services not normally listed in the yellow pages. Other than the sexual ones. Here's a hint - if you get a lowball offer to take someone out, it's probably from an undercover cop. Doesn't everyone know that?
- Get CONVICTED of a REAL CRIME. No lie. Convicted and still ran for Senate. Those are some bigass ice cubes up there.
- Try to get a quickie in an airport bathroom. Yuck. That right there is messed up. First of all, quickies should be the exception, not something you plan out. Second of all - hello? Ambiance? I mean, I don't need the rose petals, candlelight and the scented oils every time, but gawd. And speaking of which - Major Germ Haven? Bacteria? Gross.
- Hire hookers. And I don't mean Divine Brown. I'm talking serious coin. I don't think I need to tell you that the higher the fee, the weirder the perv. We're not talking about pretty soap opera sex here, people. And here's another tip for public servant types - it's called cash. Small, unmarked bills. Seriously - wire transfers from bank accounts? Why not just put the whole thing on YouTube.
- Die - that's right - why let a little thing like death stop ya from running? DEAD people not only run, but have been ELECTED. WTF?!
So, now we know some of the crap you can pull and still run for Senate. That's old news. The fun part for today is telling what you CAN'T do. As in, what have you all done that would keep you from running for office? And don't tell Me, Margie that there are no skeletons in your closets. Honey, I know better.
I'll even start. First off, there was that summer I helped crew on the Monkey Business II. At least the Cap was smart enough to ban cameras of all kinds. Because when people are at sea, all bets are off.
And speaking of bets, I've taken a few that were probably a bad idea. Like 'borrowing' my friend's Dad's car when I was 15. Might have been better if it had not been the middle of a major snowstorm, or the car had not been a cherry restored Thunderbird convertible that was only taken out for parades. Or that whole thing with the livestock that somehow wandered into the high school over a long weekend. Or, y'know the dancing with all those people at the same time with that whole blacklight body painting thing. Or distracting those cops so a friend could, like, break out of jail. I mean, it was technically a jail, but it didn't have great security, so that one's not really my fault. Plus, I never got charged with any crime or anything. Or caught. Never really got caught, which is a total farging shocker in and of itself. But you know, with the YouTube and the camera phones and the cameras hidden in the ceiling all over the GD place, I gotta assume that someone has enough of this stuff to bite me in the ass. And not in a good way either.
Let's hear it - even if you wanted to, why can't you run for Senate?
P.S. Sarah is working on her next book, which is why I'm here on her day. I do a lot more than answer the phones around here, y'know.
I couldn't run because I would be too honest and tell those GDMFers that they were stupid & their plan to cut taxes to raise money for a war that has left us with a TRILLION dollar deficit was even stupider.
$1,000,000,000,000 That is freakin' 12 zeros. GDMFers.
Posted by: Pam aka SisterZip | January 13, 2009 at 12:24 AM
I don't imagine that my old days as an anti-nukes protestor (name and picture in the paper once upon a speechifying time) would be held against me if I ran; BUT I could never be an effective senator because I trust people too much (and sometimes when they really don't deserve it). I mean, if Senator Smith from SmithState told me that s/he would vote for my bill, and then didn't, I'd feel betrayed and never trust them again, instead of automatically knowing that this is what happens in politics.
Posted by: Laraine | January 13, 2009 at 01:30 AM
I was in the Navy, where the Male to Female ratio was 10:1. I'm not saying that I was a total slut, simply that I had a lot to choose from. I would be afraid that some of those "selectees" would come out of the woodwork with stories to tell. Seems that sex and politics are incompatible - FOR WOMEN!!!!
Posted by: Cathleen in NL | January 13, 2009 at 06:16 AM
I'd tell you, but I don;t think the statute of limitations has run out yet, and I don't want to lose my green card.
Posted by: kris | January 13, 2009 at 07:25 AM
Cathleen in NL, I like those statistics. 10 to 1. My kind of numbers.
These Navy guys, are they hot? They're the ones in the white uniforms, right? Like Tom Cruise in the "You can't handle the truth!" movie?
Margie, I think we might have to scratch the Valentines' Day outing. I will be serving my country.
Posted by: Cousin Rita | January 13, 2009 at 07:31 AM
The very idea of Margie on the loose in the United States Senate makes me want to send Jack Bauer a sympathy card....
Posted by: William Simon | January 13, 2009 at 07:36 AM
Someone once asked me if I would like to run for my state legislature. I thought about it for about 3 seconds and realized I'd written romance novels (which many people considered porn back then) and the idea of somebody printing out passages of my purple prose or reading aloud from a podium---let's just say I got the all over shakes, and not in a good way.
Posted by: nancy martin | January 13, 2009 at 07:52 AM
I once had a roommate who was a member of the Communist Worker's Party. political naif that I was, I had not previously known that smoking large quantities of weed and dealing Ecstasy were revolutionary acts. You have nothing to lose but your chains, dude.
Posted by: J.D. Rhoades | January 13, 2009 at 08:10 AM
Well, I did inhale. I don't know if that counts any more. The ink might be a problem, especially since some of it is distinctly pagan. Then there's the fact that I tell my students I'm a liberal feminist tree-hugging environmentalist. I'm guessing that at least some might count that against me . . .
Posted by: Kerry | January 13, 2009 at 08:26 AM
Yeah, I've never been good at keeping my thoughts to myself or being very diplomatic . . . especially when someone pisses me off. And I had 15 years of being a teacher so I have some clear ideas of how to "fix schools" --which, by the way, does not involve standardized tests.
Oh, and then there was the inhaling and the paying my cleaning lady in cash.
Posted by: Judy Larsen | January 13, 2009 at 08:42 AM
Okay, I did inhale a few times. But since it caused my eyes to get as dry as chipped beef and my contacts to stick like glue to my eyeballs, I decided it really wasn't that good for me. And once I might have taken a prescription drug that wasn't prescribed for me (waaayyyy back when I was a tad bit younger than I am now). A few other things come to mind, but I'd have to post under an alias to come totally clean.
Posted by: Becky Hutchison | January 13, 2009 at 08:56 AM
You wrecked a cherry T-Bird? Sorry, Margie, but that deserves the death penalty.
I nearly didn't survive to voting age when I was on the phone with my friend Sue in the days before call waiting. My father tried to call home for an hour and a half and finally DROVE home. He found me still on the phone, shaving my legs in the kitchen sink -- with his razor.
Posted by: Elaine Viets | January 13, 2009 at 09:14 AM
Wow. Let me count the ways.
I can barely watch the debates on TV without yelling "LIAR!". Face to face with most of these idiots, and I'd end up in jail. Has anyone ever run for Senate from jail?
I think I'll take Kris and Becky's sage advice about anonymity/the Statute of Limitations and leave it at that.
Posted by: Kathy Sweeney | January 13, 2009 at 09:24 AM
I was once called to jury duty. As the two lawyers started asking questions of the potential jurors, I realized I had led way too exciting a life. I mean, knowing the real names for some of Elaine's stories is probably enough to lose the election.
I did just google myself. The blog posting on computer security is still around. The one on the impact of porn on technology is not. So I might have a chance.
I can count on all of you for the $500 a plate dinner, just in case, right?
Posted by: Alan P. | January 13, 2009 at 09:38 AM
I couldn't run because I have no patience, and I'm sure no one would recognize the fact that I'm the Queen (that's what they call me at home) and what I say goes.
Also, my son, who works in the Capitol building, wouldn't appreciate his mother working in the same place.
Posted by: Joyce Tremel | January 13, 2009 at 09:39 AM
I used to think I could never run for public office because I was pregnant before I got married in 1970. But in retrospect, almost everyone else we knew was, too (or they had abortions). It's a different world nowadays. I also inhaled a couple of times, and once lived with someone who inhaled many times a day (which I hated--who wants to try to relate to someone who's high all the time?). But all that seems pretty mundane, compared to some of the more egregious scandals we've heard of in the last few years.
My biggest concern for the future is that all these goofy girls who have webcams in their bedrooms and post nude (and really out there) photos of themselves (or get photographed on spring break) will one day want to be federal judges or even president. All that may end up biting them in the butt, and not in a good way. Men don't tend to do that sort of stuff, the kind of action that leaves evidence scattered around. Unless you count canceled checks, Jerry Springer.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | January 13, 2009 at 09:45 AM
Margie--- your UPS man could never run for office. LOL!!
Posted by: Rita Scott | January 13, 2009 at 09:51 AM
Wow.Let me count the ways
1. As a prank as a teen, 13 girls "borrowed" the plastic flag streamers (like you used to see gas stations) from a For Sale House, then borrowed some political signs from a few yards and held a parade...at 3 am. A couple of days later, there was an ad in the paper for the arrest of anyone know stealing "Mr. John Smith for Mayor" signs. We burned them.
2. We drove my boyfriend's car into the ditch while racing. We recruited a bunch of people to sit on the trunk until the rear tires touched the pavement (for traction) and backed it out. Then, we drove it into a ditch by his house and told his mother that he missed the drive.
3. While I was being interviewed by the police after someone broke into my house, I realized that my, um, "weed" can was sitting by my foot, and had to discretely push it under the coffeetable and hide it with my foot.
4. I can't tell this one because only two people know but trust me, I'd be all over Fox News if they knew
So you see, I'll never run for elected office, unless I can run unopposed!
Posted by: ArkansasCyndi | January 13, 2009 at 10:32 AM
I'm not a good liar...that's not to say I could'nt if I really had to (like my life depended on it or something), but just to run for the Senate? Nope. The words "LIAR LIAR" would scroll across my forehead like the moving billboards in Times Square. Oh well. Who wants all that pressure anyway? My PC just crashed (I'm on my trusty laptop) and I'm not done editing OR working on my pitch. So if I'm not around much for the next few (will you miss me? Don't lie now...), just say a prayer or two that I finish the editing AND find out that repairing my PC won't cost more than buying another one. And Margie...I'd vote for you in a Chicago minute (not as fast as a New York minute, but much more sincere :o)--we Midwesterners are honest to a fault)
Posted by: Maryann Mercer | January 13, 2009 at 10:42 AM
I did not WRECK the T-Bird. I just took it out and got it dirty. Luckily, my friend's parents were so drunk when they got home that they didn't notice. Geez- I've never wrecked a car. Okay, well, one of my boyfriends wrecked the car and blamed me for, y'know, distracting him, but that wasn't really my fault, and he said it was totally worth it anyway.
Cousin Rita - honey, NYC Fleet Week isn't until May. And remember - we were going to do Fleet Week San Diego this year. Pace yourself. And remember - you need serious glove for these guys - they're all kickass swimmers. Just sayin'.
Everyone else - as Sarah would say - good on ya - I knew I wasn't the only one with a colorful history.
Except you, William - way to wimp out. Do I have to call someone in Miami to do some digging? Hmmmmm?
Posted by: Me, Margie | January 13, 2009 at 10:53 AM
Soooo....skeletons? In a closet?
Well there was that one lost weekend in Brazil where a friend took the entire cast to their summer mansion in Bajia. The leather children closed the door and we didn't see them for the entire time. (sniff-sniff?) The gay children, although they did come downstaires to eat, were in their own world and the rest of us played in the rain forest. They don't wear a lot of clothes in Brazil.
But that was out of the country so it doesn't count, right?
And besides I'm still unemployed. You can't run for something if you're unemployed, right? Wait a minute...let me think that through again.
I still have those fishnet stockings Me Margie. It would be a great campaign platform. I once was Miss Game and Fish.
Just saying.
Posted by: xena | January 13, 2009 at 11:00 AM
I did inhale a few times, but that hurt.
There was the magic sloppy joes (before standing in line for the original first release of Star Wars -- not a smart thing to do but a good way to feel 'in' the movie). And I dropped acid once, OMG.
Since then I've led an [almost] blameless life. And I'd like to keep it so, thank you very much. That doesn't include hangin' with politicians.
Posted by: hollygee | January 13, 2009 at 11:12 AM
Great blog, Margie!
I'm going to take this question seriously and say you can run for office -- and win -- no matter what you've done if the voters will forgive you. Crashed a car when you were a teenager? Inhaled? Certainly okay. Sex offender? Probably not.
The tougher gig to get is a job in the executive branch. I inhaled, told the truth about it and got a security clearance in the Clinton Administration. Obama Administration that's probably okay too. But blogging? Fuggedaboutit. That falls under the category of list every email you've ever written that might cause embarrassment if reported in the press. No kiddning, that's a question on their job application form!
Posted by: michele | January 13, 2009 at 11:14 AM
I haven't had skeletons in my closet since 1974. That was the year I had to rent a warehouse the size of the ones in the Indiana Jones Movies, just to hold the skeletons.
Let's see now, what would keep me from running for office?
Sex: Despite the fact that my sex life has been a wonderful and caring thing for myself and the other person/other people/other groups of people involved, I'm pretty sure I would not pass muster by the Righties. Oh, there were also those 3 trips to the Mustang Rance when I was in the Navy.
Drugs: Altho my drug using days only lasted about 3 years (most of the time that I was in the Navy), I did try every drug that was available at least once. Some, like marijuana, hasish and mescaline, I tried considerably more than once. The hypocrits in Washington would look down on this.
Children Out Of Wedlock: I am 90% sure that I have no illegitemate children.
Violations Of The Law: I don't call it My Wild And Misspent Youth for nothing.
Family: Considering that I'm one of the "Nice guys" in my extended family, I think my relatives alone would keep me out of office.
Political Views: Depending on the subject and who you ask, I'm either way to the Left of Air America Radio or way to the Right of Fox News. So I'd pretty much piss off everyone.
Of course, since I rate politics as a profession as being slightly lower than selling people into slavery, most of the above is a moot point.
Posted by: Doc in CA | January 13, 2009 at 12:11 PM
All I'll say is that the guy had it coming. He came within two inches of committing vehicular manslaughter on the person of my sweetie.
Oh. And I like garlic. Probably more than is politic.
Posted by: Tom | January 13, 2009 at 12:29 PM
I could never make a promise that I knew I had no chance of keeping. A newly elected Senator (or Congressman, or Assemblyman, or Alderman, or Anything) starts out at the back of the line, only advancing at all through making friends and making deals; any grand plans soon fall by the wayside. Anyway, nobody can ever get past the Great Dirty Little Secret of American Politics: It's not about us getting what we want; it's about them not getting what they want. Or putting it simply, our side winning is less important than their side losing. This is a universal rule, applicable to all parties and ideologies; as evidence, I cite American History. I learned this lesson early (growing up in Chicago helped) and it has saved me untold angst over the years.
Posted by: Mike Doran | January 13, 2009 at 12:38 PM
Just this weekend I made Nancie the Gun Tart drive me, in the dead of night, to a recycling bin that had NO DUMPING clearly posted. We stealthfully deposited the remains of some 23 cardboard boxes. Tell no one.
Posted by: Harley | January 13, 2009 at 01:03 PM
If the inventors of Vista are murdered in their beds this weekend, I need an alibi or I'll never stay out of jail, let alone get elected dog catcher. I HATE VISTA. And virus protection software with automatic updates THAT SCREW WITH MY EMAIL PROGRAM.
Signed,
Email-less in PA.
ps to William, The Saint: My internet provider only made things worse. Good thing we got rid of the guns around here.
Posted by: nancy martin | January 13, 2009 at 01:19 PM
Dear Margie-
Under advise of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer that question on the grounds it might tend to incriminate me....
Posted by: William Simon | January 13, 2009 at 01:21 PM
Ouch, Nancy! Maybe one of the readers knows Vista better than I do.
Vista Sux. Pass it on....
Posted by: William Simon | January 13, 2009 at 01:23 PM
I, of course, was all for the midnight run for the pursue of fun in the way of illegal activities. Harley, the one-armed bandit, did inform me this was the only illegal act on her resume. I really hated to throw her moral compass out of whack, but it had to be done, and I mentioned her past drug usage and reminded her this was also illegal. “Oh yeah, right.” She replied as we made our getaway without getting caught, although the surveillance footage from the back of the store will catch up to her soon enough but don't tell her.
Posted by: Nancie aka Gun Tart | January 13, 2009 at 01:49 PM
Mike Doran? From St. Alphonsus?
"Maybe one of the readers knows Vista better than I do."
Speaking of acts that make one unelectable, so much for the notion of Senator Ballmer. M$ has given up on Vista. That's all we need to know.
Nancy, you'll love Ubuntu. Maybe. Kind of. It's very configurable. Well . . . at least I'm sure it'll keep you off the streets . . .
Posted by: Tom | January 13, 2009 at 02:23 PM
Okay, I can't run for Senate - duh I live in Canada.
Other than being rather generous with my affections in the '80's. I wasn't much on the inhaling but did hang out with many folks who inhaled more often than they ate . . .
Unfortunately I was more often the rescuer of other people engaging in misconduct than being a miscreant (darn).
Still aren't we all ever so thankful that cell phones, digital phones etc weren't around back in the day! Never mind the closet skeletons, how about some of the clothes from those days!
Posted by: gaylin in vancouver | January 13, 2009 at 02:39 PM
And I can't be the only one who went streaking circa 1974, can I?
Posted by: Judy Larsen | January 13, 2009 at 03:21 PM
As a local government office holder (by appointment because the elected officials resigned from their office)I can say sincerely, politicians of any persuasion give me the creeps. I really don't want to associate with any politicians. This might create a problem in my family as my mother was just appointed mayor of our little 'burg' last week. (The elected mayor moved out of town.)
Posted by: Peach | January 13, 2009 at 03:24 PM
I can't run for government because I can't resist being funny. In the midst of some delicate negotiation about the financial crisis, I'd be compelled to say something stupid to lighten the mood. Soon the public would nickname me "Gayle Antoinette" and call for my head.
Oh, also, I hit a hitchhiker once, but he was leaning too far out in the road.
Posted by: Gayle Carline | January 13, 2009 at 03:43 PM
I can't ask people for money. That's probably a liability.
If anyone DID give me any money, I wouldn't take that money into account when it came to casting my vote. So what kind of senator would that make me? Sheesh.
Oh, that would make me an honest senator. Right. Do we still have any of those?
Posted by: Kathryn Lilley | January 13, 2009 at 04:10 PM
I know I wouldn't be welcome in congress.
I was doing an undercover job & was in a hotel bar. I drunk congressman kept following me where ever I moved to, and he couldn't keep his hands to himself. I warned him 3 times to leave me alone, the bartender warned him too. I finally hooked my foot to his barstool & flipped it over. He picked his ass up off the floor & was escorted to a cab.
Posted by: Rita Scott | January 13, 2009 at 05:36 PM
Rita, you're my hero.
Posted by: Karen in Ohio | January 13, 2009 at 05:42 PM
Funny, J.D., 'cause we in the Socialist Workers Party and Young Socialist Alliance had a strong "just say no" policy on drugs. It was more a practical than a moral stand since we were pretty sure there were "powers that be" just looking for any excuse to arrest us. We decided that working to end the war in Vietnam was more important than partying.
Besides that political past, I'm with Joyce -- no patience for all the nonsense.
Cyndi, good save! A friend used to tell a wonderful story of convincing some young police officers that the smell in their apartment was an excess of oregano on the pizzas . . .
Posted by: storyteller Mary | January 13, 2009 at 06:44 PM
Rita, you are my hero also -- right up there with my friend who dropped a plate of Mexican food right in the lap of a man who thought harassing the waitress was part of the dinner special . . . He said he'd never be back -- the manager congratulated her.
Posted by: storyteller Mary | January 13, 2009 at 06:58 PM
Rita, I was going to say you're my hero, but Karen beat me to it!
Posted by: Joyce Tremel | January 13, 2009 at 08:13 PM
Awesome, Rita! Way to get that weirdo congressman. Many of those drunk apes still exhibit the same wild behavior in their natural habitat (DC) and are occasionally rewarded by getting the girl and/or guy.
Judy, I didn't streak, but for three nights in a row at U of TN's main beer drag (maybe 1974), I joined hundreds of other beer-drinking students lining the road and waiting for flashers. We clapped and cheered whenever someone was brave enough to run nekkid down the street. The cops just hung around to prevent any mobs, but they enjoyed the flashing show too...especially when the girls got involved. Good Times!
Posted by: Becky Hutchison | January 13, 2009 at 08:26 PM
Boy, Harley, you and Nancie are quite the outlaws! I sure am glad you didn't get caught. You coulda' been in jail for years for the great box caper!
And peach, I love the public service commitment of your local elected officials!
Posted by: Becky Hutchison | January 13, 2009 at 08:31 PM
I've been treated for depression (successfully). That's generally a political career killer.
Posted by: I usually post under my name but won't this time | January 14, 2009 at 03:08 PM