Football Basics for the Uninformed

FOOTBALL BASICS for the Uninformed

By Kathy Sweeney, born a Steeler Fan

I was going to call this Football for Dummies, but I didn't want to insult people.  Still, it took a giant leap for me to even fathom that not everyone will be glued to the TV this weekend watching the NFL Playoffs.  I'm only half kidding, and if you've ever been anywhere near Pittsburgh (or the entire midwest, really) you know what I mean.  To have meaningful football in January is a great honor.  To have it in February is a mitzvah beyond description.

We will be at our friends' house watching the game.  As it turns out, a fellow guest is new to Pittsburgh from South Africa, and she asked for a basic description - since to her, football means soccer.  Poor thing.  

This is what I told her, and I'd be grateful for any additions or corrections from the fellow faithful.  In order to make it easier for everyone, my presupposition is that you are a Steeler fan.  I mean, really, the Packers are out of it, so it's a reasonable conclusion.  If it makes you feel better, feel free to substitute different teams.

Here is all you really need to know:

The Steelers (they will be in black) will be heading in one direction, and the Chargers (in White with some lame lightening bolt thing) will be heading in another.  We always want the Steelers to move forward, rather than backward.

More details :

The team with the ball plays offense - they are moving forward down the field to try to cross the goal line.  In that journey, they get a series of four tries (downs) to go ten yards.  This seems like it should be easy, but shit happens.  Passes are not always caught by a guy on the same team.  Men drop the ball and then everyone scrambles to get it.  In the resulting pile-up, there used to be biting and all kinds of cheap shots.  They say that stuff doesn't happen any more.  Personally, I don't believe it.  I think if Casey Hampton had a chance to rip someone's arm off with his teeth, he'd do it.

So - the team with the ball (they are on "Offense") gets four tries to move the ball ten yards by either passing it or running it. There is no intentional kicking the ball during this phase.  If the team with the ball/the Offense moves at least ten yards in four tries, they get another four.  If they do not, they have to give the ball to the other team.  This is usually done by kicking the ball up in the air and making the other team try to catch it before your team has a chance to maim them.  This kind of kick is called a punt.

The team without the ball (they are on "Defense") tries to keep the other team from moving the ball forward.  They do this by trying to tackle the quarterback (who is the guy standing up holding the ball) which is called a 'sack'; trying to tackle the guy who is running with the ball, or trying to keep anyone from catching the ball.

When the Defense takes the ball from the Offense during those four downs, it's called a Turnover. Turnovers include things like Interceptions, Fumble recoveries, blocked passes, and things like that.  We love Turnovers - and not just the pastry, but only if it is the Steelers who take the ball from the Chargers.  Otherwise, we assume someone is cheating and that the Officials (they wear black and white shirts - like old-timey Prison garb) made a bad call - because they always hate the Steelers.  Plus, many Officals are sight-, hearing-, or just mentally-impaired persons.  We know this because the Steelers are very good and should always win - when they do not, many times it's because these melonhead Officials make bad calls.  Okay, that was kind of off the subject.

There are several ways to score points:

A Touchdown - six points.  The Offense has to get the ball into the end zone (that's the part with the parallel upright poles on a big  stick).  They can do that by carrying the ball across the goal line or by throwing the ball over the goal line so that one of the Offense's guys catches it.  There are lots of rules about the ball crossing the plane of the goal line.  Who cares.  All you need to know is that if WE say it's a touchdown, it is.

Extra Points - can be one or two, and you can only get these AFTER you get a touchdown.  Usually the Offense will try to kick the ball through the goal post (that's the upright poles on a big stick) - which is one point.  If the Offense runs the ball over the goal line, it's two points.  "Going for Two" can be very risky, and not just in football, just saying.

Field Goal - three points.  This is when the Offense can't get the whole way into the end zone, but they get close enough to try to kick the ball through the uprights.  Our Kicker is pretty good, even though he has weirdass hair.

Safety - two points.  Very rare.  This is when the Defense catches someone on the Offense with the ball in the end zone BEHIND the offense, rather than in front of them.  Don't try to figure out the name.  It's dumb.

See how simple?

Not to worry - there are so many damn commercials and time-outs and Instant Re-play reviews that we'll have plenty of time to explain.

But really?  All you need to know is that if we are happy, that means the Steelers are winning.  If the crowd gets growly and angry, you will know right away that something bad happened.  Plus, after your second Bloody Mary, you'll just be yelling for the hell of it.

And that's all there is to it!  GO STEELERS!

Comments

[toni mcgee causey]

There are a few other rules:

1) Cheering (yelling at the TV) is REQUIRED. Because your favored team can hear you. Do not ask how, it is a law of physics slightly less important than gravity. Do not question this law.

2) There is only dispensation from cheering when the TV viewer is drinking a beer, shoving a po boy (hoagie) into his or her mouth, or scarfing up chips (or similar junk food item). If you are doing none of these things and also not cheering and are, within the sight of the TV, doing something else like, oh, say, discussing playdates with the mom next door, then the next bad play is ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT and will be remembered forever and ever, amen, if your team loses. It will be inscribed on your tombstone. Do not question the logic; it is thusly written and therefore true.

3) Prayer candles are fine during the last four minutes of the final quarter, but any earlier implies a lack of faith in your team and will subsequently make them play like crap. It is a rule, just deal with it.

[Josh]

The photo accompanying this article, which isn't about the Stihlers (who suck, btw), about says it all:

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/61709-sports-fan-psychology-its-more-than-just-a-game

[smr33]

Toni speaks the truth, methinks.

I would feel better about the Steelers today if we had actually ended up having the ginormous snowstorm we were promised yesterday in Pittsburgh. Instead, we who live in the city got just enough icy junk to make pedestrians fall down boom. So I'm worried. Steekers play better when there are ginormous snowstorms.

[Peg H]

We'll be one of those families not watching football this weekend. Don't blame me, DH doesn't like to watch it.

I've gotta feeling Kathy is gonna kill me for this one... so I'll whisper it ~~Go Eagles~~

[William Simon]

What a terrific blog about football! I'll watch today's game, but I'm curious about what we are supposed to do when the Steelers get a Home Run....

[Laura (in PA)]

This explanation is almost as good as the one hubby gave me when we were first dating - but his explanations usually occurred when we were in bed and my understanding got rewarded with...

Ahem. Wow - I didn't know husbands existed who didn't like football. I was misinformed when in the husband market.

However, sorry Kathy, all the yelling in this house will be for the Eagles, who we are supposed to believe will beat the Giants today. Thanks for the lighting candles tip, Toni. Hopefully we won't need to burn the house down.

Where's the part about having to wear the lucky shirt that won the last game, and making sure you don't wear the socks that lost the game before that, and sitting in the right place on the couch? Not to mention the facial hair growing that's going on with the Eagles, and now most of Philadelphia and surrounding areas. I'm even letting my chin hairs grow.

[hollygee]

I won't be watching the game. I'm not sure I have ever watched a whole game. I just bless the universe that I have found myself with a man who has just as much interest in sports as I do.

Zip.

There has to be some kind of a parallel with this loldog:
http://ihasahotdog.com/2009/01/09/funny-dog-pictures-irony/

[nancy martin]

Have I mentioned before that my husband is a football official?

Just saying.

[kris]

Some other things for your friend to know:
- in soccer, the time runs continuously (more or less). In football, 2 minutes = 20 real life minutes.
- soccer players have fabulous bodies, as we can all tell by their short shorts and the jerseys plastered to them by sweat. Football players probably have great bodies, but who can tell under all that padding?
- soccer means running. Running, running, running, with lots of kicks and jumps and those gravity-defying leaps that the goalies pull out. Football means run-stop, run-stop, run-stop.
- soccer is easy to understand (well, except for offsides, which I can never figure out, but I think that's just me.) Football - well, Kathy's explanation made it clearer than any other I've ever heard (thank you, Kathy!), but still, it lacks the clarity that soccer contains.

And no, I won't be watching the football game. I didn't even know there was one taking place. I'm one of those who watches the Super Bowl commercials, then leaves during the game. But have a great time, all of you who are watching and cheering and jumping and lighting candles!!!!

[Elaine Viets]

Hope the Steelers win one for you, Kathy. I'm married to the other man in the country who never watches football. I rarely miss the chance to eat junk food and I like yelling. You think I'd be made for football.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Great blog, Kathy,

To tell you the truth, we don't always tune in until the end of the game, because so many times, the outcome depends on free throws.

[Karen in Ohio]

Thank you, Kathy, for the definitive rules of the game. And for the laughs. Not to worry, Elaine and Holly, my husband does not like football all that much, either, thank heavens. Unlike my first, practice husband, who, when I sashayed betwixt him and the TV in my scanties (over a formerly cute little bod), would get annoyed at the interruption to his concentration. Oboy. That marriage was doomed from the start.

Took eight years to find someone who had the exact opposite reaction, but it was worth it. I think he's immune to the hype because he actually played in high school and in college, so no fantasies of being the big hero for him. We did enjoy watching the high school team (the one he played for) when our girls were still there, and we watch the Super Bowl once in awhile, but it's really hard to muster up the same level of emotion that my insane Bengals fan oldest daughter has, for instance.

Years ago I heard a comic say this, which is so true: If real minutes were like football minutes, Shakespeare would still be alive and writing sonnets.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Hilarious!

And I mean that in a sincere way for those fellow faithful, and a 'ha, ha, very funny' way to yinz others.

Nancy - Jeff does not work for the NFL as an official. Why? Because he's too smart and too honest. Sorry to let that cat out of the bag, but it's totally true.

As for the Eagles - they are a PA team, so we can cheer for them. For now.

Toni - we should write a Fan Guide. Most people are clueless about the really important stuff - Laura - want in on this?

Going to read Josh's link. Poor Josh.

[Maryann Mercer]

Kathy, I love those rules! Of course, I'm rooting for the Giants...but my heart went into hibernation when the Colts blew their chances away. Steelers-Chargers? Hmmm. I think there are former Illini on each team, which makes it hard for me to choose. Still, the cheese, crackers, and other assorted nibbles will be with me as I watch the game. Alone. Chuck is a basketball nut (and the Illini won big yesterday so he's happy). Me? I just want a good game (and a snowstorm for the Steelers if you think that really helps).

[Judy Larsen]

I'll be watching and cheering for the Steelers, since, alas, the Packers (as you mentioned) are not playing this January which is just wrong. There are some teams who should just get an automatic slot in the playoffs. But, I digress. So, I'll be yelling for the Steelers to win and proudly flying my Packers flag out front.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Thanks a million, Josh - now I have another thing to be phobic about - the Euphoria/Stress syndrome. Since my people have thrived on this for centuries, I can only hope that I've got some kind of genetic tolerance.

If you didn't read the article, all you have to do is go to any populated area around Pittsburgh tomorrow. You will be able to tell in an instant how the game turned out. 'Round these parts, it's sure as shit not just a game!

A note to non-football fans. We still love you. And we love that you tried to make sports jokes and everything. Just don't call us after noon today. xo

[ramona]

Since other people are posting related links (and I have nothing to say about today's games), I will post mine. Remember this tough guy?

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/When-officials-attack-Umpire-lowers-the-boom-on?urn=nfl,130799

DeFelice is my maiden name. Don't mess with us.

[Rita Scott]

Since I'm in Rams country, I only scanned the blog. Anything having to do with scoring just doesn't apply!
It does piss me off when the games run over their alotted time. Screws up tv for the whole night.

[Joyce Tremel]

This is probably the wrong thing to say since I live in Pittsburgh, but I hate football.

Hockey is the only real sport.

[Laura (in PA)]

Kathy/Toni - I'd be glad to help out with the Fan Guide. I am continually amazed at the number and complexity of the "rules" for games. At least the ones practiced in your family room.

I just got back from the grocery store, where I went to gather the items I need for the diet I'm starting tomorrow, and was appalled at myself for misjudging the timing. The Eagles game starts at 1:00, and we were there just before noon, and you would have thought Donovan McNabb himself was giving away free bags of chips. The man behind us was talking with the man in the next line, and he said he had reservations today to fly with his daughter to take her back to college, and he paid $150 to change them to later tonight so he could be home to watch the game.

[Harley]

I was married to a Pittsburgh native, and I think "Go Steelers" (or "Stillers") is now imprinted deeply in my psyche. No marital dissolution document will ever erase the chant.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Hollygee, Elaine...Dear Hubby HATES sports. He doesn't mind going to see them in person at big enormous stadiums and pay $100 for a beer because there are other things to look at. But he just won't watch it on tv. He thinks it is stupid and anyone who enjoys watching it is stupid.

I will be at my brother's for the Super Bowl to watch it on his new HD tv.

Go Cards!!!!!

(I only say that because Kurt Warner got St. Louis their only Super Bowl appearances & a WIN!!!! I really am torn. I don't want Bidwell to get anything, but it would be great for Kurt to prove that the Rams previous coach is full of crap.)

[Pam aka SisterZip]

But then that Rams coach got fired, didn't he?

[Buzz]

And then, there's the wagering...

[Luce]

Go CHARGERS!
Sorry, I'm from SD and I figured I'd better put in a cheer for the home team. I'll be watching part of the game, the rest I'll be listening on the car radio. Who knew 6 weeks ago that the Chargers would be in the playoffs? So I scheduled something else. At least the traffic will be light with everyone watching the game!

[Peg H]

I used to watch football with my father. With a house full of women he needed someone to learn what the game was about.

His sisters, now well into their eighties, are rabid football and baseball fans and it's fun to watch them yell at the TV.

[Karen in Ohio]

Kathy, by the way, did you see Slumdog Millionaire? Just curious; it just won a Golden Globe for Best Screenplay.

[Kathy Sweeney]

I did see Slumdog, and while I appreciate the artistry and the message, it was too grim for me. Many people find it uplifting - and certainly the ending is - but there is so much cruelty and despair, especially involving children, that it was profoundly disturbing to me.

[Sharon]

Um, i'm the Seffrican.
Watched the game with a bunch of Stillers nuts and only found out halfway through game that it only finishes after three-and-a-half hours! Horrors.
This ain't a game, tis torture of the psyche/belly/butt/patience and untold other affectations. The strategising is probably the result of all the war-mongering of forefathers, and overseas TODs.
I don't even watch the rugby back home (my neighbours' noise levels usually share the good or bad news) BUT if I find a rugby or even a soccer (which is way easier to fathom) game here - I'll watch it as it'll be over in less than two hours with some fab ACTION and real bods on show.

[Sharon]

Sent my mates the blog explanation and their reactions varied from die-hard rugby fans saying: "Agh, shame. You poor thing", to peals of laughter at the similarities of American football (which is in turn different to Australian footie, and of course soccer aka football in Britain) to rugby, especially ito the fan reactions of yelling, eating, drinking, all the rest. And maybe I don't know fans other than Steelers that wear their fan-wear while watching on the box...