Fantasy Job

Fantasy Job

by Michele

If you scratch your average working author, underneath you'll find somebody who spends as much time thinking about what makes a book grab readers as she does about plot, character or, god forbid, grammar.  There's a simple reason for this:

    Yes, some of us would write just the same even if we never got paid.  But some of us wouldn't.  And more than a few of us dream of the bestseller lists, not only for the glory but for the Benjamins. It's our version of fantasizing about winning the lottery.  When I go to a bookstore, I love to browse and read snippets of jacket copy and learn things.  But there are always those few minutes when I first walk in where I'm just going, hmmm, who has the best co-op these days?  What's selling?

It says good things about America that the answer to these questions at my local bookstore right now is: Barack Obama, Barack Obama and Barack Obama.  Books he wrote.  (Have you read them?  Share your opinions below!)  Books about him, books about his ideas.  Anything about him, the more personal the better.  Can you imagine the advance on a book called "Barack's Guide to Kicking the Habit?"

                                                         

It's not just Obama who's selling, but anyone connected to him.  Books about his wife are big.  Given the popularity of the Sasha and Malia dolls, books about his children are sure to follow and be huge hits.  I personally would be happy to read any book about his mother-in-law (or to watch a sit-com about her life in the White House -- isn't that tailor-made?)  Books by his ex-girlfriends?  A certain goldmine!  Agents, are you out there beating the bushes for these women? In Dreams from My Father, he talks about a woman he was in love with, about a weekend spent at her parents' place by a lake.  (And she was white!)  Where is this woman and why hasn't she gotten a huge advance?  Can you imagine the movie deal?  The interviews on the morning shows?

The point is, there's serious money these days in memoirs by the fabulously politically famous.  President Obama's book royalties last year alone were $4.2 million.  Sarah Palin is reportedly looking for eleven mill.  Hillary got an $8 million advance for hers. Condi is out making the rounds of publishers as we speak, and even Laura Bush  -- the wife of the most hated president in history -- got $1.6 million, in troubled times no less.  Of course, some of these books may be a bit salacious and lacking in depth. (Speaking of, can you imagine how much Eliot Spitzer would get if he stopped faking remorse and penned a sexually explicit memoir?  The Guv's Guide to Hookers?)  But some are plain educational and positive and worth buying and reading and touting.

All of this led me to the perfect daydream -- maybe not to everyone but to me.  Honestly, jealous as I sometimes feel of more famous authors' royalty checks, I never fantasize about being them.  It wouldn't be any different from being me. (Though it would pay better. Which means my husband probably does fantasize about me being Stephenie Meyer.)  But boy, do I daydream about having some huge job in the new administration.  It's my absolute fantasy.  I would love the job to death.  Work 80 or 100 hours a week for four or eight years.  Solve the Arab-Israeli conflict or global warming.  Get on the front page of the Times and photographed for Vogue (in black & white -- a "serious" profile) wearing Oscar de la Renta.  And the icing on the cake -- the multi-million dollar advance on the memoir at the end of my tenure.  Sigh!

I ask myself -- assuming any of these Obama-ites' memoirs would pull in seven figures -- which one would I be?  Which one would you?  Pick somebody and tell us why.

      

                    

OR -- let's not forget, the biggest advance of all:

Comments

[nancy martin]

Michele, you have the healthiest daydreams of anyone I know. You want to do good--and get paid later!

I want to read about Mrs. Robinson. She sounds like such a nice lady with such a full life! And her time inthe White House can only make her more interesting.

My book club, by the way, chose both of the President's books for our April reads. Should be an interesting discussion.

(Just think of the money publishers would have given Mrs. Bush if she'd agreed to write anything but a hearts and flowers memoir.)

Nancy, whose MURDER MELTS paperback is currently co-oped in B&N. Check out the spinners at the front of your store. Sorry, Michele--not intended as a hijack!

[J.D. Rhoades]

"Work 80 or 100 hours a week for four or eight years. Solve the Arab-Israeli conflict or global warming. Get on the front page of the Times and photographed for Vogue (in black & white -- a "serious" profile) wearing Oscar de la Renta. And the icing on the cake -- the multi-million dollar advance on the memoir at the end of my tenure."

Right after you spend three weeks being grilled by a Congressional committee and threatened with criminal prosecution for something you either don't remember or thought was a pretty darn good idea at the time. I don't want to seem cynical, but since that seems to be a part of the job, whichever side of the aisle you're on, I'll pass.

[Elaine Viets]

Before the election, I was in a doctor's waiting room (where I seem to live these days)and an old man was reading Obama's biography. The man said, "I'm voting for him after reading this book. There's no hatred for white people in him. I didn't take the other elections seriously, but this one is important. I have my grandchildren to think about."
I'd always looked at politicians' memoirs as beautifully crafted lies, but talking to that man changed my mind.
PS: I hope there is a place for you in the new administration, Michele. You have the enthusiasm the job needs.

[michele]

Yay, Nancy! We're so proud of you.

Dusty, you're absolutely right that getting investigated is part of the game. It happened to the Clintons, I'm sure it'll happen to Bush and his boys. In real life, you keep your lawyers close to you at all times. But remember -- this is a daydream. No need to worry about the nasty parts.

[nancy martin]

Sidebar, Michele: I am saddened that the previous administration decided not to use convenient tech gadgets primarily because emails can be subpoened.

To me, that's an indication that some people seem to seek office because it feeds their egos. It was a relief to hear our new president's words to his incoming staff--on the subject of the selflessness of public service. (Surely that doesn't extend to accepting book advances when the job is done!)

[michele]

Oh, yes, Nancy, you'd have to want and love a job like that to do it! Personally, my choice would be to trade places either with Hillary or Rahm Emanuel. To be at the center of such momentous events -- I can't imagine anything more thrilling or rewarding. I'd rather be them than Michelle or Malia or Sasha. But the advance at the end of the road, well, that's just fun to think about, isn't it? After all, imagine working 100 hours a week on a government salary. You'd need that fantasy sometimes.

Elaine, anybody who read Obama's memoir would vote for him. It also finally explained to me what community organizers do and how that work prepared him for what's ahead of him now.

[William Simon]

What a terrific idea, Michele!

If you need a new Cyber-Czar....well, you know how to reach me...:)

[Maryann Mercer]

Something to definitely consider, Michele. I believe I'd want to be Hillary Clinton in her current incarnation. The idea of repairing America's world image and re-tying diplomatic ties with the nations we've managed to alienate over the past eight years is a heady one. Doing all of this with a firm hand and a charming smile is an even headier thought. I don't envy the new Secretary of State; her job will be a tough one over the next two terms. I do however think she'll play a crucial role in getting this country back together. That is something in which I'd truly love to participate.
As for the book deals...well "My Life with Bill" might make her a mil or three :o) I just want someone at my next conference to take my pitch seriously.

[ramona]

Michele, I'd sleep well knowing you had a job in the current administration. Even as a daydream, that's admirable.

But, I sincerely hope you are kidding about the woman writing a memoir simply because she's a former Obama girlfriend.

I must be in the minority, but I am all memoired out. I'll happily read about someone who has done something extraordinary, but I see a glut of books by people with famous connections--and that's it. It waters down the whole genre.

Just my dissenting opinion, of course.

[michele]

Ramona, of course I'm kidding, if what you mean by that is that I think it's salacious and awful. Am I kidding that a memoir like that would draw huge bucks? Uh, no. That's the way of things, we might as well laugh at it. You know who could get a fabulous book deal this morning? Blago!! Would I buy it? Only if he reveals the secrets of his hair.

I'm going to step aside in the public interest and let Maryann be Hillary. I guess that leaves me Rahm. How fun to be him! Did anyone read the piece about him in the Times this weekend? I love the part where's he's in the back of the limo with Obama, some important member of Congress calls him on the phone, he says he's too busy to talk and hands the phone to Obama. You gotta admire the chutzpah.

William, not only would you be eminently qualified to be cyber czar, but you make me realize that we absolutely need one. That is just a brilliant insight. Hopefully somebody with pull is reading this and will suggest it to the Prez.

[ramona]

Michele, sorry, my sense of humor is impaired this morning.

Blago's hair? My mother has had a similar hair-do since 1952. It's a secret combination of my cousin Linda's beautician skills, and a helluva lot of AquaNet.

[Alan P.]

I have never had an interest in reading a current or even recent politician's book. It's just me. Somehow I think "The Lakehouse: My Romance With the Future President of the United States" might not make it to the book shelves, but does sound interesting.

[Mary Eman]

Will Dick Cheney's memoir be titled "My Pet Goat"?

[Kathy Sweeney]

I'd like to be the White House Chef. She gets to meet all the fascinating people, hear all the back-stairs scoop, and live a normal life in the regular world. Plus - can you imagine the great kitchen gadgets they get?

Then, instead of writing a book, I'd get a show on Food Network, go on Iron Chef - and win.

Side note - the Obamas pay for their own groceries/meals. Unless it's an official state dinner or something. They pay for their own dry-cleaning too. I always assumed they had some kind of mega-laundry set up right there. Wonder if someone checks the pockets before the stuff goes out to the cleaners. To close this thought, I'll bet whomever did the Clintons dry cleaning could write a book. Just saying.

[Harley]

I'm sorry to say that the only thing I'd be qualified to do in the White House is answer phones, vacuum or dust. I'd love to do the jobs you're talking about, Michele, but I'd have to go back to school for atr least 8 years.

Speaking of total ignorance, who's Blago?

[ramona]

To make up for my stick-in-the-mudness:

Has anyone read My Thirty Years in the White House by Lillian Rogers Parks? She was a WH seamstress, from Coolidge to Eisenhower. Her book became a mini-series, Backstairs at the White House.

It's very different from what I imagine a current memoir would be, but a great read.

[michele]

Harley -- Blago is soon-to-be-former (if he isn't already; I haven't turned on my tv this morning) Governor Rod Blagojevich of Illinois. It's a one-word name like Cher or Madonna, totally recognizable. It takes a special governor to merit a nickname. Arnold, of course, is the Governator. The New York Post has taken to calling David Paterson the Cuddle Guv. I'll leave to the imagination possible nicknames for former guv Spitzer.

Thinking up possible titles for Cheney's memoir. Mary, that's a whole blog unto itself. Alan, love the title of the Obama girlfriend memoir!

Kathy, you've just reminded me of another Obama Administration job that is totally to-die-for. Social director! Did you check out the current Vogue? Desiree Rogers
already has her photo shoot. Just imagine, anybody you want to invite will say yes.

[Harley]

Oh, of course. PMI (pardon my ignorance). I've followed the story, but CNN doesn't keep me updated on nicknames.

I just remembered that a former relative-in-law of mine (until she ran off with an FBI agent that she hooked up with at the Republican Convention) was in charge of Lynne Cheney's calendar. My, THERE was a stress-free job.

[nancy martin]

Okay, if I were to pick the job I most covet at the White House, it would be the flower arranger. In all the coverage of the inauguration, I kept ooh-ing over the great bowls of flowers in the background!

But I totally see you as chief of staff, Michele.

[storyteller Mary]

I'd love to work on education -- there is so much wasted potential and stifled creativity in our schools now. NCLB has worked by keeping most of the students from moving forward. The time wasted on testing and test-prep . . . well, let's not get me started. I am so looking forward to some fresh air for the schools, and I haven't heard good things about the current choice for the job.
I don't know if I can do 60-hour weeks any longer, though. I've been a bit spoiled by retirement. Of course, anything for the children, our future, our greatest investment . . .and how I'd love for that not to be just lip service.

[michele]

Mary,you would be perfect for that job, and man, do we need it. Hopefully with this president, we'll get more than lip service. I was pleased to see him sign the executive order about auto emissions!

[Karen in Ohio]

What a fun topic, Michele, and I could so totally see you as Attorney General! You would make the memory of Janet Reno's perceived failures fade into obscurity, at last.

I'd also enjoy working for education; my second choice would be to work on health care coverage for all Americans, which is almost equally important. If we had healthy and well-educated citizens, well-fed with clean, nutritionally sound food, the sky's the limit as to what we could achieve as a nation, well beyond what we've already done.

[michele]

Hmm, I thought I already posted this but maybe I forgot to hit "post," Mary, you would be the perfect sec'y of education, and with a willing president, maybe some progress can actually be made.

Blago update -- Joy Behar tousled his hair and it didn't come off!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/26/blago-gets-noogie-refuses_n_160914.html

[michele]

How weird -- there's my prior comment now! Mr. Typepad is being difficult today.

That's it then. Mary for Education Secretary and Karen as HHS and Health Czar.

[Kerry]

Ooh - Michele as Chief of Staff! Yesssss! Move over, Claudia Jean . . . I mean, Rahm. I can't pin down exactly what I'd want to be, except that I think I'd love to be on Michelle Obama's staff somehow, doing something related to science, health, and education. Like, "science translator in chief" who also gets to lobby about nutrition, locally grown foods, community gardens, and science education.

Oh! And I TOTALLY want to be the girls' martial arts coach. The First Lady could play, too. How awesome would that be?

[Karen in Ohio]

Kerry, that would be totally awesome, and they'd be lucky to have you as their coach.

[Maryann Mercer]

Michele and Harley--our not so beloved governor is still governor, although I'd love Elizabeth Hasselback to take a swing at him :o) Latest on the Blago front is that he considered offering Oprah the senate seat (something about a large nenough bully pulpit)but he decided she wouldn't accept. He's right...The Winfrey is too smart to fall into that mess. And thanks, Michele...I promise to do Hillary proud :o)

[Harley]

I'm thinking, once my hand gets better, I could do all their "hand-written" notes. I've got pretty good forgery skills. Or anything requiring calligraphy. Surely they need a full-time envelope-addresser.

[michele]

If Oprah wanted to be Senator, she wouldn't need Blago to appoint her.

Kerry, White House martial arts instructor is the perfect job for you. I love it! The girls could use the skills to fight off their many admirers, and as for Michelle, she could use a bit of edge in her image. She's gotten so typecast as the new Jackie O. I saw this headline on Politico today -- "FLOTUS Fashion Backlash"!

Which reminds me, being Michelle is still up for grabs. Nobody's picked her yet. Why not?? Not only do you get to be married to Barack but you get your own acronym. (FLOTUS -- that's a fun one!) Maybe people are scared off by the raft of former Obama girlfriend memoirs sure to come to light in the wake of this blog?

[Karen in Ohio]

If I didn't want to be the health czar (excellent title, by the way), my second choice would be FLOTUS. First, I'd get to be 15 years younger, which wouldn't be all bad, and think of all the great traveling and entertaining of heads of state you get to do, with very little stress involved. You get to be charming and gracious, and a symbol of the goodness of the USA, or what it ought to be, anyway. Plus, having been First Lady is one of the reasons that Hillary Clinton is now the most uniquely qualified person on the planet to be SOS. She not only has met every head of state in the world, but she shared the highest possible level of pillow talk with a president for eight years. Michelle actually has a shot at parlaying her own FLOTUS experience into another job later, too, since she is also an extremely intelligent person like Hillary.

But she does not strike me as easily intimidated by potential old girlfriends. Gotta love that about her!

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Why should Michelle be intimidated by old girlfriends? She hooked him & look where he is due in no small part to her help/support/hard work!

I'll take FLOTUS or MILOTUS (Mother-in-law of the United States).

[michele]

Yes, I agree with you all about Michelle not being easily intimidated! (Was just kidding.)

[storyteller Mary]

Checking in late and I just want to (choking up here) thank you all for your support. Karen, anytime you wish to take a break from health care to share your wisdom on education, it would be wonderful -- your success as a parent adds to your qualifications!

[Karen in Ohio]

Mary, between the two of us, since we both sold health insurance, we could whip those parts of the guvmint into shape in no time!

[Laraine]

What an inspiring bunch! I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with big dreams . . . visions of being AHCT (Alternative Health Care Tsar) dance through my unfamous head. SJ Rozan's blog has a day on how Pres. Obama's Inaugural address made SJ and others want to step up, get in shape, contribute. Me, too. Suddenly remembered how I participated in Pres. Kennedy's physical fitness program . . . it was a symbol of character. Yaaaaay!

[PJ Parrish]

Hi Michelle!

I just read a blog interview with Obama's first agent -- who sold his FIRST memoir "Dreams of My Father." This was right after he was named editor of the law review and he got just over $100,000 from Simon and Schuster. But he missed his deadline and when he finally turned it in they said it was "too long." It was resold to a division of Random House and Obama worked diligently with the editor to whip it into shape. It has since made him $4 million -- in royalties!