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December 28, 2008

The Dead Fish Rule

The Dead Fish Rule


By Anonymous

Images There are good sides and not-so-good sides to Christmas falling on the middle of the week. More time to prepare, more time to clean up, more time off from work. 

And therein lies the not-so-good side.

An extra weekend means extra houseguests. Not that we don't love to see them....we do! We love the greeting and eating, reliving the memories and catching up on each others lives. As for catching the viruses they've brought into the house? That, not so much.

For some reason, this winter has been deadly for the stomach flu. (Yes, yes, we know it's not really a flu.) Personally, I blame it, as I do everything these days, on global warming. A vicious cold snap trapped everyone indoors and then a bizarre thaw provided a fertile, humid ground on which to grow the nasty buggers. All we know is that as soon as our much anticipated houseguests arrived, they announced they were ill. Or, worse, they got ill. In our bathrooms.

Of course, being naturally gracious, one does not pinch one's nose and direct the treasured houseguest to the nearest hotel. Though, in the case of one Tart, the stricken visitor had the good sense to check in a nearby Best Western beforehand. (Said Tart, oddly, created a festive "barf bucket" for the guest complete with tea, ginger ale, Coke syrup, Lysol and Star Magazine.)

And we do feel sorry for them, honestly. Bad enough to be ill; far worse to be so ill so far from home.

Yet... One cannot help feeling a twinge of trepidation, or in the instance of the stomach bug, dreaded anticipation of one's own destiny with nausea thanks to its violent contagiousness.

Therefore, the question of the day is how does one handle such matters delicately and with tact?

Or does one just wait for the fish to be thrown out after three days?

And tell us how you've survived your worst houseguest moments. Did they refuse to leave? Did they bring twelve snotty children? A smelly dog? Cantankerous Uncle Albert?

After all, misery does love company. And, in our case, vice versa.

Signed,

Us

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What a sad tale; I hope you, Anonymous Tart, do not end up with the dread mahawkous, just from being such a generous host.

We stayed with my daughter for two nights, and her son had the crud while we were there. A three-year old with iffy personal habits, vis a vis nasal secretions, who all of us naturally adore, and who we naturally had to snuggle with at every opportunity. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far so good.

As for houseguests who wouldn't leave I've only had one such in all my years of being a hostess. My nephew came to stay with us "for a couple of weeks" after he got out of the Army. The weeks stretched to months, and by the end of five months we sat down for a little talk, at the end of which he was calling the bus station for a schedule back to Minneapolis. It took several more months for the smell of his cologne to leave the premises, though, since he'd broken a bottle in one of the bathrooms.

I love this young man dearly, but we only have two bathrooms upstairs (and a powder room downstairs). At the time we also had two daughters living at home and one visiting frequently, but my nephew was ensconced in the second-largest bedroom, with the en suite bath. You can imagine how that was resented, after awhile. He treated it as his own (rent-free) apartment, and I finally had had it. We're still close today, 12 years later, amazingly. But it was sure touch and go there for a while.

An elderly relative came to stay with us over Christmas. Her personal hygiene habits have slipped and by the morning of the fourth day she literally smelled like a dead fish. She went home yesterday. Luckily it was warm out and we could open the windows, but it took four hours for the guest room to lose its "funk." Not the same as puking, but the stench had me considering it.

Here's a suggestion. I move we create a list of posted rules for all guests in all houses. Then no one has to take the rap for being bitchy.

HEY! HOUSEGUESTS! Get a freaking clue already! Even if you are the perfect companion, and even if you actually HELP - rather than offering to help and then sitting on your ass calling out 'helpful suggestions' - you do not belong in someone else's house for more than two days. Period.

And I know that both pets and small children are part of your family, but unless you plan on replacing the carpets, you MUST find a pet-sitter and you MUST watch your own kids.

Your hostess has a lovely house - an invitation does not include the liberty of trashing it - either directly or indirectly. If your little ones don't know how to behave, then stay in a hotel and only take them to someone's house for short periods of time during which you provide constant supervision.

And another thing: one does not get hammered at someone else's gathering. We're not in college any more, and there is no garbage can full of grain punch.

Leave your psychoses at the door and behave yourself. There is nothing worse than a drunk/stoned guest who doesn't have the good sense to shut up or pass out.

If you break something - and accidents do happen - at least offer to replace the damn thing, and show some remorse.

And how about a nice healthy dose of "If you don't have anything nice to say, shut the hell up." Your host and hostess have tried to make things nice for everyone. If you don't like chick peas, then don't eat them, but don't go off on a rant about how disgusting they are, complete with pukey noises.

Same for the decor, or the music, or the color paint in the new bathroom (or the new paint in the old bathroom). Suck it up and zip it. If you don't like the ambiance, here's an idea: LEAVE.

Finally - and this is important. Families feel responsible for each other even if they don't like each other. If you are invited to spend the holidays with family, do NOT assume it's because you are so amazingly wonderful that no one can live without you. Be on good behavior. Because - frankly - the day will come when the parents/grandparents keeping you all together will be gone. And then people will get to decide whether to include you on merit alone. Capisce?


I am currently a houseguest at my sister's house, and try hard to be a good one. I return the favor for her a couple of times a year. In both cases, and I'm sure she feels the same way, I always enjoy the arrival, and am thrilled at the departure.

My part of trying to be a good guest is slapping her down from trying to do too much. She has a lot of pain in her hands from bad carpal tunnel surgery, and the more she does, the worse it is. She had my whole family over for Christmas, and it took a toll. So I've been spending my time telling her not to fuss over me.

My sick relative story is when same sister and her grown son came to my house for a few days for my daughter's high school graduation. He is a favorite of my daughter's cousins, and she was so glad he was coming. He didn't want to tell anyone that he wasn't feeling well, and got progressively more sick with a stomach bug, so at the graduation ceremony, which was outside on a 90 degree day, he spent the whole time in the car lying down, and when we got home to our little party, he lay on the floor in the upstairs hall, close to the bathroom, and refused our entreaties to take one of the beds, because he didn't want to infect us. So we had the party and food going downstairs, and him upstairs, draped in the corner of the hallway like a homeless person.

I will be leaving for home today, after a 2-night stay and family visits. God is with me, apparently, because I'm visiting Syracuse, New York, one of the snow capitals of the Northeast, in late December, and it's 60 degrees and sunny.

My sympathies, Anonymous. We had many houseguests when we lived in DC. About ninety-nine percent were people we loved to have stay with us. One horror got drunk, used the N-word while sitting on our back deck, and then went inside, grabbed our cat and said, "Let him go free." He started crying and wanted to release our housecat in the city.
Don rescued the cat and escorted Vince upstairs to bed. The next morning, Don said, "Vince, I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but you'll recover better at home. I'll drive you to the airport."
That was the last time he stayed with us.

My daughter and son-in-law have stayed with us so many times over the 16 years they've been together that SIL knows where everything is. My kids all clean up after I cook our big family dinners, and that's great. However, when I stay at my daughter's they will not allow me to do anything to help in the kitchen, no matter how hard I try. I usually end up keeping the little one occupied and out of their hair. But when one is staying with people who keep refusing help, what does one do?

I usually ask whether the hostess prefers that I make the bed when we leave or strip it, and always make the bed in the intervening days.

Gads, Elaine, what a horror.

My friends in TN once told a story of an awful house guest, after which I quipped, "I thought being invited here was an honor. Now it's clear you let just anyone stay over." My friend smiled and said, "ah, but you've been invited BACK." His last words to me were, "You'll always be welcome in my home."
My only non-family house guest was such a downer (and perhaps will be, one day far in the future, a good story) that I now have to get permission from my niece and my closest friends before allowing anyone to stay. The frog has been approved, as was Flat Stanley's cousin Flat Sheila.
Sharing the load is part of the deal, bringing a positive outlook is even more. I once apologized to a friend for not helping more to clear the Thanksgiving table because her daughter was impatient to play board games. She told me that entertaining the children was equally important.

I have lived a blessed life when it comes to houseguests. No one needed to be kicked out, or stayed too long, etc. Either they were ideal guests, or I was a crappy host and they couldn't wait to leave!

But I am going to have a talk with my sister's grown kids before the next holiday. We were all at my parents' house. After Thanksgiving dinner, they all got up and went down to the den to play WII, leaving all their dirty dishes on the table. Not even an offer to help. My mom is too old to do all the cooking and cleaning. I ended up doing all the dishes with mom, while these adult children played. That will not be happening again.

However, try having a sick husband while you're on the road. Hubs and I have made it to Florida for our annual "hide in sunny Florida from the nasty Arkansas weather." When we got to Jacksonville, FL, hubs announced he "wasn't feeling good." I took over driving the RV and he took to the couch. So, get the picture... I'm driving a 40ft motorhome towing a jeep in 5 pm traffic in Jacksonville, on the day after Christmas and my hubs is on his knees behind me retching into a trash can. Oh joy! Today is Sunday and it's first day out of bed. Not back to normal, but getting there.

The best way to avoid having houseguests is to have too small of a house to put them in! And the best way to avoid being a house guest is to reserve the hotel ahead of time & not ask to stay.

So ends Dear Hubby's treastice on house guests.

ex#1 always thought we should stay with his relatives. During one of those visits his step mother stole my wedding rings & a saphire ring. They brought their luggage full of roaches to infest our house (it took a farmer w/ chlordane to treat our property to get rid of them!) That divorce was a very 'good thing'!
Now I live in a small 1 bdrm house in the boonies where nobody can find me LOL!

A friend of my sister's once stayed with us for what was supposed to be two weeks in the summer. Two weeks stretched to five and included him accusing my husband of being demon possessed. Needless to say, I sat him down and told him it was time to go. He left and we later discovered he'd stolen several items from us. I was never so glad to see someone go and I will NEVER house my sister's friends again!

Once upon a time, we bought this HUGE, antique house in St. Louis. Like many big, old houses it had been chopped up into small apartments and sleeping rooms. This one was chopped worse than most because it’s immediately previous incarnation had been a whorehouse.

We had a young friend who was occasionally a grad student and occasionally a wandering minstrel and always needed money. We had work, tools and money. He had skills, a girlfriend and (obviously) his own tool. We also provided room and board when he came to STL to help out.

One morning during a work visit, as the cats came thru the kitchen for their hourly feed, we noticed one of the kitties had something caught in the long fur on his hind leg and butt. We picked him up for a better look and discovered half a condom hanging from his anus. He did not enjoy felicitous relations with the other boy cats in the neighborhood, so we did not think it was a remnant of gay sex with another kitty. We were bumfuzzled.

The other consideration was that he had eaten it. (Don’t ask me why; it could have been smells, body fluids, who knows. We didn’t ask and he didn’t tell.) We only thanked Bast that it had easily passed through his body and had not killed him. We were able to gently pull it out prophylactically.

DH and I decided that the likely source of the condom was improperly disposed of lust leavings from the Wandering Minstrel and the Girlfriend. So, I had a frank discussion with him. I have sons about the same age as Minstrel so I was able to explain a number of concepts ranging from sexology to guest-olgy to him, all the while commending him on wearing a jacket when his little friend came out to play.

Mary Lynn, you are so diplomatic. Perhaps there is a career for you, as an ambassador or something. Perhaps you should fax a resume to Obama?

Storyteller Mary, you should have been there.

Mary Lynn does indeed have diplomatic skills. She would serve best as Ambassador To The Klingon Empire, where both The Art of Love Poetry and The Sweet Science of the left hook/right cross have reached their apex.

The young man looked appropriately dope-slapped. He felt like an ass. We saw neither hide nor hair of the young woman, if I recall, for a day and a night.

It was an moment not to be repeated, except here in print.

My dear mother-in-law, after packing up the car post-Christmas one year with all their luggage (including my father-in-law), AND doing all the laundry in my laundry room, came back inside "to use the bathroom" and emerged 4 days later. After half an hour, we went to retrieve my father-in-law from the car.

Even at death's door, m-i-l was a perfect houseguest. Sadly, I lost her in the divorce.

Speaking for myself, anyone staying at my house who can entertain the kids while I clean the kitchen is welcome back anytime. I love cleaning my kitchen. But i sure appreciate anyone else cooking, ordering out for pizza, and helping figure out Nintendo.

I think my great-nephew could help with the Nintendo. At age three he came to visit, looked at the TV and said, "You have DVD, so you must have hook-up cables." The gamers in our circle of friends rejoiced!
I managed to keep MIL rights when I divorced, even when the second wife made the ex promise to sever all ties with me. We stayed buddies the rest of her life (and wife #3 likes me, too).
Tom, you make me wish to have been the proverbial "fly on the wall" for that scene . . .

Ah, Harley, you don't have to lose your mother-in-law. I had two in my first marriage (and everyone wondered why it didn't last), and they both remained my friends for many years, as did my oh-so-dear dads-in-law. They couldn't help it their son/stepson was such an ass. And they mostly all agreed that I was the best of the three of his wives (!). At least to my face, and that's all that counts, really. Sadly, all my in-laws have now gone to the Great Beyond.

A friend of mine cringed when she went into d-i-l kitchen, but kept her mouth shut & didn't interfere.But this year she finally figured out how to clean it the sneaky way. She taught her 2 yr old granddaughter how to make & decorate sugar cookies! Of course the kid turned it into a disaster area so grandma 'had' to clean it top to bottom LOL!
(I told her she could practice on mine anytime!)

Ugh. Didn't you want to kick them out, Anonymous? Or put them up at a hotel? Would that be terribly rude? I hope if I am ever stricken while staying at someone else's home that I have the presence of mind to check into a hotel so I can puke in peace and not have to worry about making everyone else sick.

My sister doesn't think anything of visiting when she's sick. She just walks in and announces her viral variety and parks ass on the couch. Charming guest, she is.

I usually travel for holidays, but never stay over. What never fails to amaze me is my sister who has a fit if someone comes to her house sick, is always sick as are her two children at Christmas time, and yet she troops them over to my parents house to infect everyone else!! She even manages to leave said ill children for the rest of the family to endure about 50% of the time. She is also the sister who calls out directions on how best to clean up, but is too ill or injured to help. This is why I don't stay over!

A vicious cold snap trapped everyone indoors and then a bizarre thaw provided a fertile, humid ground on which to grow the nasty buggers.

Fish is a perishable product, and certainly one of the most exposed to the action of bacteria. Fortunately, times have changed and we are much more confident about taking it. However, we should not forget that canned fish is a healthy, safe and comfortable to enjoy this food, because we can taste it whenever we want, anytime, anywhere...

Yea, I also do agree with you that we like to have guests at our home and share the happiness with them, gather the new memories but sometimes we need some time to relax ourselves alone. There are pros and cons of everything in this world. The choice is entirely yours - how you take them.

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