Stuff You Can Only Say At the Holidays

Stuff You Can Only Say At the Holidays

By Me, Margie with help from her cousins

We love the holidays.  It's not just the extra eating and drinking and kissing.  It's not just the fact that every one has a good excuse to party. It's not just the extra chance to see Vince Vaughn on the big screen.  No - it's also the fact that you can say some damn outrageous things and totally get away with it.

I'm serious here.  In fact, I sat down with a few select cousins and some homemade Grappa that one of them brought back from our Calabrese relatives, and we came up with a list.  (One thing about Grappa - you just have to shoot the first one - a big one - straight back - no tasting, as little contact with the tongue as possible - straight down the throat.  We all know how to do that, right?  After that, you won't be able to taste anything any way.)

Let me caution you that our cousin Rita wrote these down, and then Rocco had to try to translate in the morning because Rita was keeping her place very dark and quiet.  So don't blame me.

Just in case you're not really on the train yet, here are some examples from sports.  When you are watching a football game, it's perfectly fine to yell: "Yeah, Baby!  Split those uprights!".  When you are watching golf (who watches golf?) no one blinks when a guy says: "After 18 holes with these three, I can barely walk."  See?  You can't say that stuff in the Narthex. Seriously.

But at the holidays - which for my family runs from Thanksgiving until the Epiphany - you can spout off all kinds of stuff and not get in trouble. Even from your old, cranky Aunts who still wear black even though their husbands were cheating hounds and they hated them before they died.

Here are some we came up with, and then we want to hear yours:

"She used it so much, the batteries died."

"Stop fighting over the breasts.  They're huge and there's plenty for everyone."

"Wanna see my north pole?"

"Who gets dark meat?"

"If you tie the legs together, it keeps the inside moister."

"Check out Santa's bulging sack."

"You hung out some big balls this year."

"Did you get a piece of that fruitcake?  Yum." (that's Rocco's favorite)

"I like to bite off the curved part and then lick the straight part into a point."

"She needs to lift up the skirt and clean under there."

"Just get on your knees and bob your head."  Oops - that one's for Halloween.  Sorry.

"Sit on my lap and guess what present I have for you."

"Did you get any under the tree?" (that's Rita's favorite)

And my favorite, which I yell at every opportunity:

"Ho!"

Now it's your turn.  Don't be shy.  People do all kinds of crazy stuff this time of year.

And Happy Holidays from Me, Margie, my cousins Rocco and Rita, and all the rest of the mixed nuts who make up our family.

Comments

[Gayle Carline]

I don't have any more fun holiday phrases, but I do live for February to watch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, just to hear the announcers say, "What a magnificent bitch!"

Why, thank you. Thank you very much.

[Peg H]

Can't think of thing after that list! Thanks for the giggles.

Gayle, it's even more fun to attend dog shows and listen to what is said ringside.
; )

[Buzz]

A 2008 Holiday To- Do List for you Margie:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-redmond-satran/have-yourself-a-tacky-lit_b_151840.html

[William Simon]

"Yeah, sure.... THAT will happen when it SNOWS IN VEGAS!"

[Kathy Sweeney]

Way to put the Ho in the Ho, Ho, Ho there, Margie. My compliments to your cousins as well. The one and only time I tried Grappa, I decided it would be a good substitute for ipecac.

Here's one for the list:

"That is a weird looking package you got under there."

[Mary Eman]

You are so right on how to drink Grappa, Margie. Knock back the first one. You can sip the next one because everything has gone pleasantly numb. Speaking personally, more than two Grappa is a big, big mistake.

[Libby in Annapolis]

I know there's nuts in there!

Libby in Annapolis

[Cousin Rita]

Where's the one about the sack of nuts?

[Me, Margie and her Cousins]

Merry, Merry!

Good answers, and thanks to all my elves for visiting today's blog.

Ripped from today's headlines:

"Deep Throat is Dead"

If this is actually true, alot more people than my widowed Aunts are going to be in mourning. Just saying.

Ho!
Me, Margie

[ArkansasCyndi]

More of a sports cry than Christmas, but there is an Australian team called The Nads.

The cheer - Go Nads!

How about...Lick this for me, will ya?

[Rocco]

Ciao Bellas!

Rita - that was one I edited out, and you're welcome for that.

How's the headache, dearie?

Here is one from the shop: "Stop poking the packages."

[William Simon]

(said while staring at the Christmas Tree) Good GOD! Look at the size of those balls....

[Karen in Ohio]

Thanks for the laugh this morning, You, Margie. You got all my good ones already.

Yeah, that's the ticket. ;-)

[Karen in Ohio]

Oh, The Go, Nads cheer made me recall one I heard a long, long time ago. Norfolk, VA is pronounced "norh'-fuhk", and their high school cheer was "We don't dance, we don't drink. Norfolk, Norfolk!"

Not holiday-related, but the best I can do.

Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, etc.

[storyteller Mary]

I get a bit nervous when they begin talking about "making Mary" and my niece and I both leave the room when someone adds "jump for Joy" . . .
Happy Holidays (all of them -- there can never be too much fun) to all!

Match the Dogs
Santa's Jigsaw Puzzle http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552
My beautiful condo in Sugarwood for sale http://www.stlbesthomes.com/

[storyteller Mary]

The match the dogs link from Jackie Lawson seems to have disappeared. If I find it, I'll send it. Meanwhile, this is even better, from storyteller Marilyn Kinsella
http://flintknapper.com/images/Christmascard08.JPG

[Rita Scott]

Oh Margie! After the talk of baccala, how could you forget;
'smells like fish in here'
and helping my mom wrap packages, I remember;
'put your finger there & hold it'
Don't forget 'Santa's coming!'
ewwww, grappa! You have my sympathy for that hangover!

[Laura (in PA)]

Sounds like our family dinners.

How about, "Where the hell did that box go? I was just getting ready to put this in there..."

[Pam aka SisterZip]

A young lady sitting at a bar with a mixed drink. "Do you want my cherry?"

[hollygee]

"My, you've gotten SO BIG!"

[Mothrababe]

"YOU try tying a bow around this!!!"

Pass the Grappa.... :-D

Cheers,
Marianne

[nancy martin]

I bought myself a Southern Living magazine last night, and I discovered those genteel folk south of the Mason-Dixon now refer to Christmas balls as "orbs." Kinda takes all the fun out of it, huh?

[nancy martin]

I love Buzz's list, by the way. Although I think we've already done a few of those around here....

[Becky Hutchison]

Thanks for another educational blog, Me, Margie! How about:

"I never knew they came in so many sizes!"
"Wait! Something's caught up in the balls."

And Cyndi, your "Go Nads!" is so funny. ;-0

[Cousin Rita]

I thought Orbs were those creatures in the Lord of the Rings stories. (See, Rocco, I have to read a book!)

I don't want those ugly things hanging on my tree.

[Rocco]

Rita, honey, don't try, okay? It just makes it worse.

Those are Orcs.

Did you have some grappa in your Virgin Mary this morning?

Here is another one from the shop:

"Did you see the rack on that Vixen?"

Someone also came up with one about Mary, and riding an ass - which had to have been uncomfortable as hell, but if you think I'm going to risk getting struck by lightening by repeating it, you can think again, sweetie.

[Harley]

"My, what a well-hung tree."

But really, nothing matches balls at this time of year, north of the Mason Dixon line. In our house it went like this:

"Mommy, you have lots more ornaments than Pop. All he's got is balls."

[Book Tarts]

Or not.

[Tom]

Borka, my friend's young Bosnian bride was enjoying her first stateside Christmas with her husband's big family in Binghampton, NY.

Granny loved the fruit pie. "It's wonderful, it's sweet and it's tart, but these aren't blackberries, are they?"

No one knew what was in the pie.

In her best BBC-tinged English, Borka asked, "Might they be the dingleberries?"

[Karen in Ohio]

Eeeeww. That would be a buzz-kill, wouldn't it? LOL

[Carlaree]

"How many inches did you get last night?" (snow, of course)

and a favorite from family: The holidays are the only time of year that elderly great Aunt Jessie is allowed to have her box chocolates, and she's very particular. As the years have worn on, she also lost a bit of eyesight. So, whichever grandniece or nephew volunteers to hunt down these treasures inevitably hears at least once, "She only likes the dark ones with big nuts!"

[storyteller Mary]

Sounds good to me . . .

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

This is a freakin’ hysterical blog and the comments are awesome!

Nancy, that was a great retort!

This is not a Christmas related one, but it happened yesterday at work. One employee was asking for a barn broom because the other ones had bristles that were too soft, so our Office Manager replied. “Oh, you need a stiffer thingy.”

[storyteller Mary]

http://www.humorhaus.com/hh1189.htm
Maxine's Night Before Christmas