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November 08, 2008

An open letter to Craig, Daniel Craig

An Open Letter to Craig, Daniel Craig

 Dear Daniel:

 I apologize for addressing you via this impersonal public format. There is some communication glitch, as my letters to you get marked returned, my emails bounce back as undeliverable, my texts don’t arrive, my flowers don’t get delivered, and you don’t respond to telepathic messaging. Even the wind blows away my smoke signals.

 But that is all by the by, and talking to you from TLC is better, anyway. You have many fans here! We are a community, bonded (Get it? BONDED) by the written word. There are some people here who have actually read the Ian Fleming novels and understand the title of the new movie. (Footnote: A guy named William.)

 Sometimes an author gets lucky and the written word gets adapted for film. That’s where you come in. Or, more specifically, where you came in with your blue eyes, and your impeccable tux and that shirt you removed and showed us your pecs…

 Where was I?  Casino Royale is history, and all those silly naysayers had to admit that Blond Bond ruled. In a few more days, the sequel opens. The people who’ve read the Bond books say the story is a good one. I’m going to let them chime in there, while I focus on what is really important: YOU!

 Now, Daniel. You may be feeling some “Can he do it again?” pressure. Writers get this way, too. They write a great first novel, and some smarty-pants starts in: How can they follow up? It’s ridiculous. I mean, some people think Franny & Zooey is quite readable. And if you wrote To Kill A Mockingbird, do you really need to write anything else?

 But I am here for you, Blondie. To make sure you ace it again, I have a few hints about what would make Quantum of Solace another blockbuster.

 1.  Running. You running. Lots and lots of shots of you running. The camera should be behind you. This is very important. Camera on your behind…I mean, camera behind you as you run. Run Bond Run.

 2.  The swimsuit. Matching that emerging from the sea in the blue suit moment will be a challenge, but I believe it can, and should, be repeated. In fact, as a precaution, let’s have TWO emerging from the sea in a swimsuit scenes. If you do this, I’m pretty sure everyone will forget about the awkward title problem.

 3. Angst. It pains me to say this, but you are not perfect, and I don’t just mean your ears. You fell for Vesper and look what happened. You Bonds always fall for the wrong Bond Girls, but folks seem to like it. In writing, the technical term for that is Why mess with what’s working? So get the girl, but she’s a goner when the credits roll. Sorry. If it’s any comfort, seeing your pain makes me want to hug you and hold you tight and, possibly, tie you naked to a chair.

 4. Naked in chair scene. Except for the torture aspect, that was lovely. It was classic show, not tell. It showed us that you were strong-willed and had lots of self-esteem. It also showed that Make-Up slipped up because I swear I could see your tattoo. Really. If you freeze frame the shot and get right up to the TV with a magnifier, you can see it. Other stuff, too. Let’s do that again, ‘k?

 5.  Direct address to the audience. In writing, it’s called author intrusion, but it worked for Ferris Bueller, despite the fact that Matthew Broderick was like, 35, playing a teenager. Anyway, during the movie, stop the action, look directly at the camera with those blue-blue eyes and say this line, which I wrote myself: “Michele, Clive Owen is a wanker.” If you do this, I promise, you will win an Oscar.

 That is my advice. Others here may have their own suggestions. However, if someone named Margie and her cousin Rita try to meet up with you, run. Don’t worry about the camera angle. Just run.

 Now, go forth and Be Blond.


Your biggest fan

Annie Wilkes

Ramona Long


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Yes, yes, oh, yes.

I have not been to a movie that wasn't "G" rated, with children in tow, since Casino Royale. But my long, yearning wait is nearly over.

I think I need to go breathe into a paper bag now.

The thought occurs to me, if they do indeed have another 'rising from the sea' scene with Daniel, how terrific it would be if they had Ursula Andress from DR. NO on his right and Hallie Berry from DIE ANOTHER DAY on his left.

That way, the entire Tart Community would be happy....:)

Ramona, this one's just for you:


Dear Dan (sorry Ramona, he and I are THAT close)

Watched CR again the other night. I have to agree with Ramona that: 1) walking out of the ocean in blue trunks is a must for every movie and 2) the naked chair scene was great, except for that whopping the balls thing. That seem to hurt a bit. I must remind you that when we practiced the naked chair scene, you had me doing something different to your, um, exposed parts that didn't involve slapping. Hmm. Must think about this.

Be sure to give Ramona some token wave as she is such a girly fan...maybe a pair of your undies (but be warned, if you do that, she'll want to remove them PERSONALLY).

Can't wait to see you again.

Much love

Nice try, Cyndi, but my boy hates being called Dan. (insert tongue-sticking-out emoticon here)

Did you see the tattoo, too?

William, to be fair in making the Men of the Blog happy, don't you think Josh should get to choose who gets to be on one side?

Ramona, that link William put up. Uhm....was that your back he's kissing?

Nancy! Ssssh!

That's a good point, Ramona. Josh can decide which will be on which side.

I'll be over here at the Beach Bar talking with Diana Rigg as Tracy from ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE....

Ramona, I feel your . . .uh, pain. Did you notice Blond Bond is shilling for Omega watches in New York magazine? I don't know what I'm going to do with 12 watches, but damn he looks good. If you want me to send you the ad, email me offlist.

I want the ad, Elaine.

Can someone pull Michele away from grading papers and get her over here to defend Clive?

Rolling in my chair, laughing.

Maybe I'm an old fuddy-duddy, but my dream Bond would be an older, grayer Sean Connery. He's much more sexy now than he was when he played Bond.

Oh, and Harley, my movie going experiences are the opposite. Today I'm going to my first G-rated movie in years, taking my three-year old grandson to see Madagascar II. Can't wait.

Dear Sean,

I never thought I'd be writing this letter. After you first won my heart in Dr. No, and after decades of being faithful to You, Only You, after being tempted by (but never succumbing to) Those Several Pretenders, I now find I must end our relationship.

I would like to keep the old video tapes, but now that Daniel and I are An Item, I must ask that you return to me the "My Mistress Wrote This Novel" tshirt, the blue "What Would 007 Do?" wristband, and the autographed copy of "Matzo Ball" by Oy Oy Seven that I sent to you as a joke back in 1970. You can keep the photo mug commemorating the weekend we spent in Nassau watching reruns of Thunderball on Bahamian television.

Fair winds and following seas, and no hard feelings, you hear?

Harley, email me your address off list, and I'll send the ad. Sorry, Ramona.
Karen, I fell out of love with Sean when he confessed to a Playboy interviewer that a little slap now and then doesn't hurt a woman. Marcia, you were right to leave the wife-beating bum (I mean Sean, not Barry).

My ideal swimsuit scene would be ME emerging from the surf with Daniel Craig on one side and Clive on the other :o)

Harley, how did you know I'm grading papers? Did William put one of those camera thingies in my computer?

The best thing in the last movie was the parkour sequence in the opener. If they don't have one of those in this movie, I may not be willing to pay the price of the ticket. Daniel Craig is short, squat, blunt and mannerless.

CliveCliveCliveCliveCliveCliveCliveClive. Can you doubt it:


Yes, William DID put one of those camera thingies in the computer, Michele. The question is, did he put one in Sarah's? Sarah, has it been 100 days yet?

Sorry, all this Bond talk has me thinking about sex. I can't imagine why.

And what's a parkour?

Somebody's been busy with Photoshop. Otherwise how do you explain ...




Five met sit at a table enjoying cafe pousse and the afternoon. Their faces partially shadowed, they cannot be clearly seen. A BAD GUY runs past. The FIVE MEN watch as he runs past. Because, hot on his heels is:

JAMES BOND. Sprinting full out, the fate of the world hanging on his every move. As he speeds past the table, the camera whips back to reveal the FIVE MEN:


BOND looks at them; THEY look at BOND, everyone with a brief 'Do I Know You?' expressions. The FIVE MEN shake their heads in an 'I Don't Think We've Met' manner, and return to their coffee and conversation.

With a shrug, BOND sprints on after the Bad Guy....

Oh, Ramona, you are so silly.

Just last night, we (my cousin Rita and I) were saying to Daniel Bond (Rita gets confused) how cute it was that there was an argument on the blog about who was better - he or Clive.

Rita wants to give details on how she arrived at the answer, but I reminded her that ladies don't, uh, kiss and tell, even if it's the kind of kissing that was supposed to send us straight to hell. (Rita is right, it did not).

We showed Daniel today's blog and he laughed and asked why he would run from us? (Rita says he'll be lucky to stagger after last night).

We were totally going to have him call you but now forget it.

Did you know they sell French condoms in the U.K.? Just saying.

I'm giggling at the image of Ramona examining her television screen with a magnifying glass.

I had to close my eyes during the naked-tied-to-a-chair scene in Casino Royale. My husband had to close his eyes, cross his legs, stick his fingers in his ears, writhe in his seat, and groan audibly.

I do not understand the title of the new one, but we went to the movies last night and saw previews for it. Looks like a winner. And the promoters are using the web. So now, Ramona, you can use that magnifying glass on your monitor, too.

Have you seen Roger Moore shilling his book on TV shows this week? He looks like he had a mortician for a make-up man!!!!!

I don't know, Michelle, I think I have to go with Danny Boy on this one. Clive is super but I like that 'dangerous' sexy for my Bond. Clive just isn't there for me & I prefer dark hair, etc.

I have to agree, Elaine, that Sean lost some of his, uh, luster, when he said that to Playboy (and then tried to say he was misquoted. A former wife clarified it for him..YEAH, YOU SAID IT..YOU DID IT). But no one, not ever the Remington Steel Brosnon, looked as good as Sean did in Hunt for Red October. MmmmmMmmmm Good!

Terrific blog, Ramona!

We are planning to see QoS next Friday with Richard and Mary Alice - I'll print this out to share, and just in case Mr. Craig happens to be in Pittsburgh for the premier.

If anyone in Pittsburgh wants to join us - let me know. Bea?

Hey - it could happen.

Fun post, Ramona!

For all the Blond Bond lovers, Daniel will be on the following TV shows next week:
- The Today Show (NBC, Wednesday, Nov. 12)
- Live with Regis and Kelly (Syndicated, Wednesday, Nov. 12)
- Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC, Thursday, Nov. 13)

Hi, all! Sorry to post and disappear, but I'm in a hotel, watching the ocean. So far, no Bond emerging from the water, but the day's not over yet.

Maryann, I'm keeping my eyes peeled for you, too. I like the way you think. It's just like the way I think.

Bea, by the time Quantum is out on DVD, maybe I'll have one of those big plasma TVs for my magnification pleasure. I wonder if the Hubble Telescope is ever available for rental?

William, that's a great scenario. Just make sure the camera is BEHIND Daniel as he sprints away from his predecessors.

Marcia, when your personal items are returned, I strongly suggest you investigate Ebay. Those have got to be collectible.

Michele....Oh, Michele. What can I say? Blunt? Mannerless? Did the Wanker tell you to say those things?

Margie and Rita, if wishes were condoms, you two would be exhausted.

Lynn, thanks for the show alerts! Yippee! I am panting in anticipation. Really, I am.

Thanks for the commentary!

And Daniel, if you are reading, call me. Call me now.

Soooo....now the challenge. How would you top the swimsuit coming out of the water scene? Leopard? Neon orange? These are the things that intrigue me. The girls are the side dish.
Yes William...get them all together for one big "Vanity Fair" photo issue.
Blond, James Blond. Mr. Pecs if you please. Shaken not stirred. A man in a tuxedo...just put an "eat me" sign on his forehead. >WHEW<
But now really ladies...after the ball is over he's going home with some other tart. (Who is probably a size zero.) Drool all you want.
We need our comphy couch men folk who have their own sterling qualities to run naked down the street. Okay...camera angle from the front...or maybe side...or maybe a LONG shot. But the attainable is much more snuggly than a big screen hunkasaurus any day.
So let's lasso what we've got and put a tattoo on them. (If you like tattoos,)
Me? I like mine balding, bearded, with that sexy Harrison Ford glint in his eye and past the point of looking to see how much my glass of wine cost at dinner.
Just saying.

And I don't see anything about the 100 DAYS OF SEX! Did you kill each other?

Did I mention that I was at my kids' school's homecoming game 2 weeks ago and I passed another parent in the parking lot, calling to his wife, "honey, do you have any money? I didn't bring any" and i was about to ask him "how much do you need?" like one parent to another, and I realized it was Pierce Brosnan. Who probably doesn't need any money at all.

If only Daniel's offspring went to school with my kids, I could die happy.

Harley, you are so funny -- and such a good person! In the middle of all you are dealing with, you'd reach out a hand (with $$ in it) to help another parent in need!

Bea - the new Bond title is the title of a short story Ian Fleming wrote.

Talked to DC today. Said he loved today's column. Sorry he couldn't respond in person but his internet was down. :)

This cracked me up!

Have there been any Daniel sightings yet Ramona?

The first time I heard the phrase 'Blond Bond' was here at TLC . . . and now, the abundance of BB joy here is hilarious and inspiring. Thanks! I'll think of y'all when I see Q of S.

Pardon the hijack, but if you haven't seen the new site launched by our President Elect, go explore: www.change.gov



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