Smorgasblog

Smorgasblog
By Harley

You know how there are some things that show up unexpectedly on your doorstep that make you forget about everything you were planning on doing that day, like putting away the groceries or cleaning out the fishtank?

Things like . . . a check for one million dollars. Or the baby you gave up for adoption sixteen years ago. A basket of newborn poodles. Your Aunt Mirabelle, who’s dead.

For me, on Friday, it was a box from Mystery Lovers Bookshop, containing . . . SWEET LOVE. I immediately did the most decadent thing imaginable. I started reading it while eating a piece of pound cake. In bed. In the middle of the day. I can’t believe I’m admitting this.

But I recommend it.

Okay, on another note, I was in a doctor’s waiting room yesterday (I’m healthy, thank you) reading a magazine from last fall which did a feature article on sex in Los Angeles, and guess what? 46% of men surveyed report having faked an orgasm.

Come again?

And get this: half the men surveyed say that pornography has changed the way they have sex.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to move out of Los Angeles. Because I simply can’t believe that men in Pittsburgh (for instance) are faking orgasms. Or Vermont.

Okay, that’s it. If this were my regular blog day, I would develop this theme further, dig deep into its implications, and reach some insightful, sociologically compelling conclusions. However, as it’s a Sunday, I’m going back to bed with SWEET LOVE. In which, I'm quite sure, there will be neither faux male orgasms nor safeties on Glocks.

Happy Sunday!
Harley

Comments

[kris]

"I simply can't believe that men in Pittsburgh (for instance) are faking orgasms. Or Vermont."

Okay - a man faking an orgasm is difficult enough to comprehend. But how in the world does a guy fake Vermont?

[William Simon]

Faking orgasms is nothing new, but a manual safety on a Glock?!?! Well, that's just wrong....

[Nancie aka Gun Tart]

A fabulous book, pound cake and relaxing. Sounds like the perfect way to spend the day.

[michele]

Maybe men in other places aren't faking orgasms, but I bet porn has changed the way they have sex -- from Toronto to Topeka to the guy next door. Porn is the biggest single product of the internet age.

This blog is like a Rorschach test, Harley! Everybody's taking something different freom it.

[michele]

From. I meant "from."

[Harley]

Kris, you make an excellent point. Vermont cannot be faked. California, though, can occasionally be a fake Florida.

[hollygee]

California likes to fake everything: Tudor half-timbered houses, Norman chateaus, tiki huts, tans, boobs, whatever. Rather than 'I have found it.' ['Eureka'], the state motto should be 'I have invented me, again.'

[Tom Barclay]

Your fortune is made - the next reality television smash hit will be 'So You Think You Can Fake Vermont Orgasms?'

[Rita Scott]

oh puleeze! No more 'reality' shows!!!!!
All you needed for a perfect day Harley was the 'staff' cleaning the house and waiting on you hand & foot! Oh yeah, and a winning lotto ticket!

[Harley]

Ah, yes, Rita. I like how your mind works.

As the staff consists of the dogs, fish, rabbit and children, the phrase that comes to mind when i think of a clean house is "cold day in hell."

[storyteller Mary]

Since my closing Friday (postponed from Thursday) was a non-closing, I can still quite honestly say, "My other house is immaculate."

[ramona]

What a coincidence, Harley. I was reading Sweet Love in bed last night. Today I am tired and cranky. I blame Sarah.

[Harley]

There are no coincidences, Ramona. It's the Sweet Love Synchronicity Syndrome.

[Harley]

And, if you've noticed, Sarah is missing in action. And I think we know why.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Okay - here is the thing. Men may be able to fake the vocals and whatnot, but unless they are magicians with engineering backgrounds, there either IS certain output, or there is NOT. I don't care if you're in Vermont or California.

And in Pittsburgh? No fucking way. A man who fakes an orgasm breaks the moral code here - I mean, you might as well wear a Cleveland Browns shirt to a Steeler tailgate party. Either way, you just become dead man walking.

Just saying.

[Harley]

Go Steelers.

[Karen in Ohio]

This blog reminds me of that classic crossword clue: an assortment or miscellaneous mixture.

Answer: Olio

[storyteller Mary]

At the National Storytelling Festival (Oct. Jonesborough, TN) the evening olios feature several storytellers telling a variety of tales. I love those olios!

[Avis in NH]

"Men may be able to fake the vocals and whatnot, but ... there either IS certain output, or there is NOT."

Ah, but not necessarily. I give you two words: "retrograde ejaculation"

Google it. :-)

Makes it a little harder to determine faking.

[Harley]

Ah, Avis. I've said it before but what the heck. i'll say it again. The things I learn here.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Avis!

This could be the first step in the quest for male birth control!

Too bad it can probably kill you. Bladder infections are no day at the beach.

[Avis in NH]

Hmm, none of the sites I've looked at have mentioned bladder infections as a side effect of retrograde ejaculation - all have said it's harmless. The person I know who occasionally experiences this (due to taking Flomax for benign prostate enlargement) hasn't had any problems.

[Doc in CA]

To back up Avis' comment, I can attest to the reality (and freak out potential) of a retrograde ejaculation.

As to faking a male orgasm...well, it's easier than you might think, physical evidence aside.

And on that, I shall say no more, so as to preserve my reputation:)

[Harley]

I can't take it anymore. I have to go visit Google right now.