Margie on the The Penis News Network

The Penis News Network

By Me, Margie, who is doing an audition tape for a new satellite radio channel, and this is the transcript

Welcome to the Penis News Network. It's Me, Margie, filling in for your regular host, Dick Hancock, who is still recovering from that bit of nastiness he picked up on the Virgin Islands. Just keep taking the antibiotics Dick, and you'll be back to fighting trim in no time. Hang in there, buddy - we're all pulling for you.

Now, the news. Here are the Penis News stories making head lines today: Halliburton is still screwing stuff up over in Iraq, but their billing system is top notch. In politics, efforts to shut down all the jagoff talking heads by wholesale decapitation was met with some fairly firm resistance, and in weather, it's too damn hot for April. Stock up on talc, boys. Seriously.

What? A Jagoff? What do you mean I can't say that? Are you fuh-- I mean, are you freaking kidding me? Whateve. I'll put the F back in FCC around here, bub.

Back to the news. Last week, Dikipedia inducted Eddie Murphy. I can't compete with the writers over there at Dickipedia, so I'll just read you the entry and you can check out the rest on their website.

Edward Regan “Eddie” Murphy (born April 3, 1961) is a former foul-mouthed comedian, current “family” actor, and can be considered a fallen star in both categories. He is also: a famous frequenter of transsexual prostitutes, apparently a non-fan of condoms, and a dick.
Somehow ranked as the number one grossing actor in history, Eddie Murphy has appeared as a James Brown wannabe, a discontented prince, and a talking jackass. He has also played those roles in film.

Hey, I don't write the news, I just report it. So if you think Pluto Nash is the greatest movie ever made, don't come whining to me, okay?

Now, a word from our sponsor - "Remember, friends, it's better to be safe than sorry. Use Troganz. Troganz: Where There Is No Size Small."

Next up, our Top Story. Which reminds me - for those of you who always wondered why we never talk about the Bottom Story, I have found the answer. It's on a different channel - I think it's called the BFN, but I'm not positive.

Our Top Story is a very troubling tale out of Africa - thanks to Reuters News Service for grabbing this story and not letting go until it's over.

Panic hit the Congo capital city of Kinshasa this week, when rumors of Penis Snatching hit the sheets. Streets. Police arrested 13 suspected snatchers and 14 purported victims. "We had to bring them all in" said a police official, who asked to remain anonymous because he didn't want anyone checking out his privates, "the only way to get to the root of this is to put everything out on the table and evaluate the evidence." A wise man, no doubt.

I mean, no one wants a repeat of what happened in Ghana ten years ago, and I think you all know what I'm talking about there. And that mess up in Chad in the '80s? Please. Those poor people are still in therapy.

Now - no one is telling you this, but like all good reporters, I have a source. This latest round of Penis Panic all started when a group of innocent people signed up to attend a Lorena Bobbit Motivational Seminar. Hey - I have nothing against Ms. Bobbit, although I will say that one difference between her and Me, Margie is that with her, at least they found the remnant. Just saying.

So - a group of men showed up to protest the Bobbit Seminar, and the promoters of the seminar, who already had a fortune tied up in T-Shirts, came out to respond, and some harsh words were exchanged. Next thing you know, the promoters (who are also the inventors of that Whack-A-Mole game, which makes total sense) are bringing in witches, and the rest just snowballed. When asked about their role in the chaos that followed, the promoters referred us to their official spokesman, Craven Moorehead, who had no official comment.

Police were at a loss to comfort the men who claimed to be victims. "I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," the Police Chief said, "but I've seen these guys, and you just can't use the word huge. Just saying."

Indeed. Just listen to what one observer had to say: "It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

Here in the U.S., the story was met with both panic and empathy. "I knew it!" said one man, who consented to be identified only by his nickname, Peanut, "when I was in high school, this bitch invited me to a dance, and I said no, and she cursed me. Now at least I have some hard evidence to back me up. I'm going to start calling lawyers."

When contacted, a local class action lawyer was already setting up a hotline. "This is an epidemic - it's the dirty secret no one wants to talk about - but now, those witches are going to pay, or my name isn't Jack Meoff".

And that's it for this edition of Penis Update. Stay tuned for our live radio drama, Penis Puppet Theater, up next.

***

So - whatd'ya think? It's pretty good, but it needs work - I need hard news for this tape, so let me know about other Penises in the News, okay?

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

Margie, just Google "penis news" for some more grist for that mill.

One year when there was a lot of snow, a group of college guys built a massive, 15' high snow penis in front of their apartment, right across the street from the mother house of the Little Sister of the Poor.

Good luck. If anyone is qualified for this show, it's you, Margie!

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Welcome back Me Margie. Hope the Penis thing is soon over. Who can forget the local hospital case where the penis was accidentally cut off during surgery..........the doc retired soon after.
There are still folks who would rather die than go to Passavant Hospital!

[Josh]

Joe Francis.

[Kathryn Lilley]

Okay, I have lots of penile breaking news:

A recent blog of mine over at Killer Hobbies, about bigger being better in Australia:
http://killerhobbies.blogspot.com/2008/04/in-land-down-under-bigger-is-better.html

Another blog entry, Sex and the Single (male) Octopus:
http://killerhobbies.blogspot.com/2008/04/sex-and-single-octopus.html

And last but not least, Ghost Marriages, which is how the families of dead single guys make sure they get some nooky in the netherworld:
http://killerhobbies.blogspot.com/2008/05/corpse-brides.html

Ciao,

Kathryn
Kathryn Lilley

[beachfla]

Margie, you constantly amaze.

[hollygee]

And today on Boing Boing we see the results of the Bobbitt lecture series: http://www.boingboing.net/2008/05/01/trader-joes-cashew-4.html

[William Simon]

Holy Mary, Mother of God....

[Kathy Sweeney]

Amen, William.

At the risk of losing an important body part of my own - sorry Margie - and I'm leaving town for several days in case this upsets you -

*temporary highjack*

Guess who was quoted in an article about the Festival of Mystery? Our very own Peach and her daughter! Some smart person pointed them out to the local reporter, and there they are. Yea PEACH!

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08123/878400-44.stm

Oh - and here is my addition to your list of jagoffs in the news, Margie:

Dick Cheney.

That's all you have to say.

[Maryann Mercer]

OK, Margie...hard news? Catherine and Kip went to see these guys in Portland last week and laughed until they cried. Not sure I've got the link set right, but here's the url. Interesting what guys will do in the name of art :o)

www.puppetryofthepenis.net

[Maryann Mercer]

OK Margie-hard news? Cath and Kip went to see this show last week and laughed so hard they cried...amazing what some guys will do in the name of art :o)

http://www.puppetryofthepenis.net/

[hollygee]

And then there is Colin Firth's appearance on Jon Stewart that is making the blog rounds:
http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/colin-firth-on-the-daily-show/

[peach]

Kathy were you the little bird who pointed us out? My daughter seems to have a knack for being interviewed by reporters. This is the third interview in three years. Second in the past month.

Who knew a fifteen minute interview could be reduced to seven sentences. At least we sound lucid.

[Rita Scott]

That penis, G.W. was suppose to be in St. Louis this morning, but hopefully the storms will keep him away!

[Rita Scott]

BTW William, I know me, Margies blogs usually make you beat your head on the desk, but 'beating' & 'head' have ummm different meanings today!
Have fun! LOL
now.... where's Dusty?

[Joyce Tremel]

What a timely post! Here at Shaler PD we had two vandalism reports last weekend where someone spray painted a penis on their garage doors.

[Kerry]

It's not really news, but sorta related. Ever heard of the Titan Arum, more colloquially known as the "Penis Plant"? The flower includes a, um, piece that can be up to 6' tall. Seriously. I saw one once. Check it out: http://www.cambridge2000.com/gallery/html/P90216084.html

[Karen in Ohio]

Holy horse member, Kerry!

[ArkansasCyndi]

I don't know if it's good or bad, but at the time I wrote this, no TARTS had checked in. I'm concerned that Me, Margie has them locked in their offices to keep them off the internet and reading this!

[Me, Margie]

Hi all - it's Me, Margie.

Thanks for the great suggestions, gang - although, I have to say, those penis puppeteers -- ouch! I wonder if they use some kind of topical anesthetic or something?

I'll be back with more responses later - the phones are ringing off the hook and none of the Tarts are answering their cells either. Sometimes they do that when I post. Not sure why...

[Me, Margie]

P.S. For those of you having trouble posting comments, I'm clueless.

So sorry for the frustration and inconvenience.

Mr. Typepad is very moody this week. I'm putting his name up for Dickipedia. Just saying.

[Rita Scott]

It's too quiet on here for a me, Margie day!

[Pam aka SisterZip]

No kidding! I expected all hell to break loose.

[Rita Scott]

The guys are being chickenshits!
Either that or they're too busy 'entertaining'
themselves LMAO!!

[Becky Hutchison]

Go to boingboing.net to get the lowdown on a lady having sex with an incubus:

http://www.boingboing.net/

Then scroll down to Trader Joe's #4...a cashew shaped like, well, go see for yourself...being sold on eBay!!

Good times!

[Becky Hutchison]

Sorry, hollygee. Missed your first post about the infamous cashew. Good info, though!

[Becky Hutchison]

Here's an exciting story. Dwarf's penis caught in hoover...

http://www.cracked.com/blog/2007/08/23/penises-in-the-news-and-the-headlines-dont-involve-paris-hilton/

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Wow! I wonder if the Trader Joe's #4 makes them life size?

[Harley]

okay, I'm here. Sorry, crazy morning, and I couldn't seem to find --
Oh. She's here.

Being the sole (more or less) unmarried Tart, I must say that it's been so long for me, I can't quite recall - is the penis that thing that looks like a--no, sorry. Wrong body part. Wait--it's the thing that goes up and down and--no, that's not it either.

Okay, I'll go check out that flower link.

[Harley]

okay, I'm here. Sorry, crazy morning, and I couldn't seem to find --
Oh. She's here.

Being the sole (more or less) unmarried Tart, I must say that it's been so long for me, I can't quite recall - is the penis that thing that looks like a--no, sorry. Wrong body part. Wait--it's the thing that goes up and down and--no, that's not it either.

I'm going to check out that flower link.

[JDRhoades]

Penises (sort of) in the news?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASyDCmxKLpk

Hat tip to Jim Born over at Naked Authors for finding that one.

[Karen in Ohio]

Omigosh, JD, that is hi-larious.

[Hallie]

THAT is classic

[Lisa Scottoline]

You crack me up. I am trying to get over "jagoff" in print. Love yOu!

[Katie]

I have no words, Margie...

[Pam aka SisterZip]

JD that is terrific. I sent it to everyone I know...at home!

[J.D. Rhoades]

Thought ya'll might like it.