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March 28, 2008

WTF Did You Say?

WTF Did You Say?

By Me, Margie

Blog_iseedumbpeopleig0Okay, we all say stuff we shouldn't. Even someone with the communication skills of Me, Margie, can blurt out something idiotic once in a while.

But seriously? Some things are just beyond belief. So let's play a game. I am going to list some of the stupidest-ass things I have ever heard, and you can guess who said it. Then you can do the same. I mean, there are plenty of moronic statements to go around. To be fair to all you people who are, you know, not really old, but are older than me, I am going to include boners from before I was born. Ready?

1. "The Internet is not a dump truck. It's a series of tubes."

2. "Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours."

3. "The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

4. "If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life."

5. "I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police."

6. "I always listen to ‘NSYNC’s Tearin’ Up My Heart. It reminds me to wear a bra."

7. "Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."

8. "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

9. "You mean they've scheduled Yom Kippur opposite Charlie's Angels?"

10. "Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

11. "It could take six days..six weeks-- I doubt six months."

12. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

13. "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

14. "I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it's run by blacks, primarily black patronship...There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.' "

15. “I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober.”

Blogidiocy
Okay, your turn. Once somebody guesses correctly, I'll confirm it. And I left out a LOT of good ones, so you guys have no excuse for not adding to the list.

MID-DAY UPDATE from Me, Margie

We did so well, that it's time for more fun - as you know, some of you (okay, us) only come here for the sex. So here are some classic funny quotes about - what else? Here's a hint - for a change, none of these are from politicians. Those kind are more nauseating than funny.

A. “I know nothing about sex because I was always married.”

B. “Bisexuality doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.”

C. "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

D. "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."

E. "Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."

F. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."

G. "When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."

H. “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

I. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”

J. “I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.”

K. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

L. “Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have had no time to go fishing.”

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Comments

I believe #8 was uttered by Dan "Potatoe" Quayle and #14 by Bill O'Reilly

LOL!!! Thanks for the laugh. These ones all should win Darwin awards. Especially the football one. Did Paris Hilton say #10, the starving kids one?

Number one is senator Ted Stevens attempting to describe network neutrality. He was trying to keep the bozos from inplementing fees for priority.

Number four was Brooke Shields. What did we ever do to deserve these spokespeoples????

Fred Silverman was only a TV programmer when he uttered #9.

And then there is the paragon of religious tolerance who even scares the other wing-nuts, Pat Roberston, who believes I should abandon Tom, kill my children and become a witch. I'm pretty sure that both my kids and Tom at times have thought I was a witch--just like there were times I felt like killing them or leaving them.
But I am too capatilistic--there's no profit in killing your kids. They won't be around to support you in your dotage.

Some are guesses, some aren't:

# 2--Yogi Berra (guess)

# 3--Joe Theismann

# 4--GWB (guess)

# 6--Britney Spears (guess)

# 7--Eliot Spitzer (guess)

# 8--Dan Qayle

# 11-Dick Cheney (could be Rumsfeld)

# 12-GWB-embarrassing.

# 13-Rosie O'Donnell, my TV-movie sister (actually, I have no idea)

# 14-Bill O'Reilly

# 15-GWB (guess)

Mine will come later, over the course of the day. I know, I know, you can hardly wait.


The ones that come to my mind are, according to legend, actual statements by studio executives:

"Let's do "The Wiz" with a white cast!"

"This guy Doestoevesky... see if he's available to do the screenplay."

"We want "Rosemary's Baby" with a lighter touch."

"Make it 27% scarier."

Good morning. It's Me, Margie.

Wow. You guys are GOOD!

1. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska

2. Yogi Berra (more of a genius than a dumbshit, but you gotta love his quotes)

3. Joe Theisman

4. Brooke Sheilds, auditioning to be the spokesperson for an anti-smoking campaign

5. KEEP GUESSING

6. Yes - Britney Spears. This statement should have been a clue as to where she was headed.

7. KEEP GUESSING

8. That would be our former Vice President, Dan Quayle. Who'd have ever thought we might miss him? Simmer down, it's a joke. In a way.

9. It WAS Fred Silverman - excellent call - and perhaps my favorite of all the dumbshit quotes.

10. KEEP GUESSING

11. Donald Rumsfeld. One of the great minds behind the war.

12. That would, in fact, be our very own President, George W(TF) Bush. Truly? I had a very hard time limiting him to only one.

13. Yes, those words of faith and inspiration came from the Rev. Pat Robertson.

14. Bill O'Reilly. And can I just say when I used The Google to double check this one, I saw a very troubling quote that included falafel? WTF? This guy has his own show?

15. KEEP GUESSING.

Okay - clearly you guys are smarter than I though. No offense. So I need more quotes - let's hear them.

Go back and read them all again, but ASSUME they all come out of the mouth of our current president. It's ever so entertaining.

#15 is Ozzy...Jeez, how can I know that this this early in the morning, before my first coffee or sixth beer.
John McAuley

#5 - politics, power, women -- is that Bill Clinton? I've never heard it before, but that just sounds exactly like him, (pre-Monica of course).

No, I meant #7, not #5, sorry!

Quote: Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Josh, Answer: Henry Kissinger

#7 is Bill Clinton
#10 is Mariah Carey
I like these:
"Life is very important to Americans"
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush."
"Solutions are not the answer."

This is fun! :o) Happy Friday everyone.

Quote: Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

By the way, Googling is not a fair way to solve any of these, even though that's how I found this quote.

Never have more children than you have car windows.


I like children - fried.


I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.

I know some of these - Dan Quayle, Ted Stevens, natch....But, man, they're priceless. Thanks Margie.

BTW - Next month my daughter's high schools IS putting on The Wiz. And, as demographics would have it, with an all white cast.

I know - WTF were they thinking?

# 10 is Sarah Silverman, right??

And here's my contribution:

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this [the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks] happen.'"

My guess for #5 is Robert Downey, Jr.

Cassie - Wasn't the Jerry Fawell talking to Pat Robertson, who then agreed with him?

Thanks, Margie et al., for a great start to the morning. I just treated myself to a romp through the past here: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Dan_Quayle/

Sometimes you have to laugh or you'll cry your eyes out . . .

It was Jerry Falwell, ArkansasCyndi! Way to go. He said that on Sept. 13, 2001.

I like the one supposedly said in response to Fred Astaire's first screen test: "Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little."

Don't know who said it though.

#6 has to be Britney Spears

#8 Dan Quayle


My contribution: These are all from the same person and the last one is the big clue.

Facts are stupid things.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

Cyndi-that children quote sounds a lot like W.C.Fields. And Josh...google? Would we do that? :o)

And an oldie but goody

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

More great answers!

5. KEEP GUESSING.

7. It WAS Bill Clinton! Long before the oval office. Too bad it didn't stick with him.

10. Mariah Carey is the answer. Yikes.

15. Ozzie Osborne is correct - he had almost as many funny quotes as the politicians!

As for the new suggestions - Bravo!

There are some good new ones in the comments, people, that no one has guessed. So take a look and try to figure them out too!


#5 sounds like Tommy Chong!

Pam, I think that was Ronald Reagan!

And the list goes on...
A. "Reading is the basics for all learning."
B. "I try to be the same person I was yesterday."
C. "I think war is a dangerous place."
D. "24/7 - 24 hours a week, 7 months a year."
E. "You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you're gone."
Politicians one and all:
A. Bush, B. Powell, C. Bush, D. Ashcroft, E. Bush.

Very good Nancy! Hard to miss with the last one, though.

Here's one: "Mission accomplished." On a big frickin' banner.

The answer to my second quote is Robin Williams.

And I have an Ashcroft story. Before he was our illustrious Attorney General of these United States, he was one of the Senators and one time govenor from the Great State of Missouri. My brother-in-law's high school graduating class invited him to give the commencement speech while he was Senator. As most people know, Ashcroft was a member of a group called "The Singing Senators". My BIL was on the stage and after he introduced him, Mr. Ashcroft said, his voice rather scratchy, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to sing for you today." Dear Hubby stood and applauded. Gotta give my BIL credit, he made no move or sign that he was related to the idiot.

Josh - that was one of the TV Preachers, but I can't remember which. If it's not Swaggart, maybe Falwell?

Maryann - the "Canada" quote was Britney. I have a similar one from someone else below.

Cyndi - Was the "fried children" WC Fields?

"Never have more children than car windows" was either Bill Cosby or Erma Bombeck, right?

Pam - the first set was Reagan. The "brain and the penis" quote - I heard Robin Williams use it, but don't know who said it the first time.

Here are a few more:

"So?!"

"I was asked to come to Chicago because it is one of our 52 states."

"A zebra doesn't change its spots."

"I've been up and down so many times, I feel like I'm in a revolving door."

Yes, and while I actually love him (not in the biblical sense) I must add:

"I did not have sex with that woman."

"It all depends on what your definition of 'is' is."

Both now as famous as "leave the gun, take the cannolli."

#5 is Keith Richards, isn't it?

The one about God giving men a brain and a penis was a woman, someone like Jane Fonda, but that's not right. "I like children, fried" sounds like WC Fields.

Good blog, You, Margie!

Falwell is correct.

"So?!" is Cheney.

"Up-and-down" is Jenna Jameson. Well, not really, but this blog didn't have enough sex, and, as we know, some people only come here for that.

We should try to branch out from the obvious. Someone gave me a calendar of W-isms, so there's at least 300 of them.

Here's one: My biggest fear in life is to be forgotten.

Maryann, I looked yours up:

Bob Dole
Britney Spears
Dan Quayle
Sylvester Stallone (a paintbrush?)
Richard Nixon

All of this makes me glad I'm not famous; how would you like every dumb thing you've ever said to be immortalized?

Here's one for guessing, and one for plain ol' astonishment:

"The police aren't here to prevent disorder; the police are here to *preserve* disorder."

The next isn't famous, but we were witnesses. It was the weekend. In Peoria that meant the local j-school kids were working the local TV newswriting and anchor desks.

"Yes, Cinco de Mayo fell on May 5th this year, and the local Messican community was out in force to celebrate."

Karen - YES!

#5 Is Keith Richards.

Now that we've solved my original list, it's time for, what else?

MORE SEX! I'm adding new quotes to the blog - check back in a few.

Cinco de Mayo -- a student of mine saw a "Mexicans Go Home" demonstration on Cinco de Mayo, and used her cell phone to call a few friends. They soon outnumbered the original demonstration with an impromtu counter-demonstration. I was so proud of her (even though it meant she missed my storytelling at the Crooked Tree). Teens with cell phones and internet are formidable. When the students at my former school didn't like the changes in the cafeteria, they organized a next-day boycott -- no sales, wasted food, and administrators willing to sit down and discuss the menu and prices. ;-)
Not a famous person, but I still remember the fiance of another Prudential agent, discussing philosophy with my (now ex) husband and asking what good it was. When he said that it might not be profit-making, she blurted out, "Well, I'm glad I'm not marrying YOU!" Silence. No one could think of a single thing to say that wouldn't just make it worse, and I still haven't figured out who she most offended with that remark.

LOL, Margie.

You've all got mine right...

Erma Bombeck (I so miss her)

WC Fields

George W Bush

Hey, Margie - great work, as always. Is your "B" about bisexuality from Woody Allen?

Anyone remember "It's true! It's true!"

Kerry - yes, it is.

And the great Madeline Kahn as Lily Von Schtupp in Blazing Saddles. Classic.

E: Milton Berle (what a great wit)

G. Mae West, but I think it was a line in a movie (she may have ad-libbed, though).

I. The incomparable Joan Rivers (pre-op)

K. Sharon Stone, I think

Excellent additions, Margie!

Karen - well done - you got all of those correct!

Josh - wasn't that Eva "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" Peron's greatest fear?

Tom - I think it was Mayor Daley (?) of Chicago who was looking to maintain disorder, right?

Also - the up/down revolving door quote was Cher.

And it was Raquel Welch who went to Chicago, our 52nd state.

Is 'L' Clark Gable?

Evita, not Eva. Madonna.

For some reason, the second set of quotes from Me, Margie, never showed up on my thread. Hmmm.

Go Rita - exactly right! I KNOW you are only here for the sex, honey.

Josh - it's at the top, in the main blog space, right below the picture that says "Idiocy".


I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.


Here's one for the guys:

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.


But a better one for us ladies:

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Kathy, correct, it was Hizzoner da Mare at his worst. Or at least close.

F is Steve Martin.

H is Billy Crystal.

C - Matt Groening
D - PJ O'Rourke

Here's a good one I just saw on a poster:

Young
Old

Just words.


George Burns

Long time lurker, but I had to post today, because Margie, you always make me laugh.

Bingo, Josh and Becky -

C- Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons, Futurama and the Life in Hell comic strip)

D - P.J. O'Rourke - and that quote made me laugh out loud, even though it's sexist as hell

F - Steve Martin

H - Billy Crystal

Anyone want to hazard a guess on A or J?


I cheated on A and J, so I won't guess, but I chuckled.

I own the Steve Martin record, yes, record, so that's how I knew that one.

Josh - is that the record with The Cruel Shoes? Because for some reason, I think that bit is hysterical.

I don't remember which record it is. I think I have two. Maybe Sarah knows. She was into Steve Martin before I was.

Anyone remember "It's true! It's true!"
I read that there was a line after that one, deleted from the final cut, "Pardon me lady, but you're sucking on my leg."

I don't know it for a fact, but we storytellers never let facts stand in the way of a good story.

Great blog, Me, Margie! Sorry I'm a little late to the party today. I was - um - busy this morning.

Here's one of my favorites: "I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."


Housekeeper - was that Zsa Zsa Gabor?

BTW Margie, I'm using the iron on letters to put IOCHFTS on a t-shirt with toads on it. I'll wear it to Mike's Place and the owners are the only ones who will know what it means!
LOL

Katie - how was it? hah.

Rita - don't know about that one, but Zsa Zsa is the one who gave us the A quote. And I want PICTURES of that shirt!

As for J - that was Gary Shandling. What happened to that guy? I like him.

GREAT blog today, and it's all because of you guys in the backblog (that means the people who read and comment and stuff, in case you didn't know.)

Have a great weekend!

#10 was NOT Mariah Carey.

http://snopes.com/quotes/carey.asp

Although it's much more entertaining to believe it WAS...

I recognize quotes by both of my ex-husbands, Thing One and Thing Two. How did you know, Margie? xoxox

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