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March 30, 2008

Political Monkey Sex

Political Monkey Sex

By Sarah

It's always a little off-putting to read scientists' discoveries of how we, intelligent advanced humans, are Monkeysex really nothing but shaved monkeys on the make. For example, our natural attraction to beauty is based largely on survival - large eyes (the better to see predators with), long strong shapely legs (the better to run away from the predators one has just seen), ample breasts (the better to feed offspring should one manage to run away from predators) and a great ass (the better to...oh, we'll just leave that one alone.)

Which brings me to Carla Bruni Sarkozy, the former Italian supermodel turned singer turned mistress turned wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. A woman with her Carla own groovy website. Last week, after a whirlwind romance of sex and more sex, the Sarkozys got dressed and crossed the Channel as if seeking approval from the stiff upper cousins, those dowdy German, no-fun-at-all, Windsors.

Poor Camilla.

Carla_and_camilla Anyone who's setting up family portraits knows the first rule is NOT to stand the pretty trophy wife next to someone's battleaxe and though it was clearly orchestrated to keep them apart, there were moments, sigh, when Camilla and Carla were side by side for easy comparison. Ouch.

From that flowed other comparisons. Carla Bruni Sarkozy was the next Princess Diana.Diana1(Considering how Diana met her demise, Carla might want to buckle her seat belt.) Suddenly, she was hailed as captivating an entire country and trumping her husband and whatever foreign policy gestures he might have made - like sending troops to Afghanistan. French troops. Oui. Oui!

All because she, what, wore Dior?

Or because we're monkeys. Monkeys on the make.

The English and French are not alone. Here in this country we can't get over how sexy the Obamas are. Michele is slim and gorgeous. Barack not too bad, either. Together, they're grrrrr.

EekWhereas Hillary and Bill? For that, I have two words. Martha's Vineyard. Also two other Michele_and_barack words. Thunder thighs. Nope. Those who love Hillary (and Bill, if possible) will have to squint and rise to their highest selves. They will have to supersede the monkey factor to concentrate purely on the intellectual. In my opinion, that's at the root of the Hillary vs. Obama dispute so overplayed in the press these days. Those who support Hillary are proud to say they have shed their monkey beings while that can't necessarily be said for all the Obama supporters. (Of whom I am one.) Some of us like him cause he's hotttt.

Onto McCain. Okay, he tried to appeal to the monkey factor with a young(er) extremely blond wife with excellent bone structure. But Cindy McCain ran into her own problems (Keating Five, Percocet, Vicodin, DEA, drug theft) which tarnished the platinum. Also, they're Republicans. And no matter what you think of them, there's no getting around the fact that while Republicans might be hawks and, supposedly, dim on the power of the federal government and all for letting banks and corporations run rampant without checks, they are not supposed to be sexy. Rich, maybe, but not cute.

Banana And to that I say, "Ooh ooh." Banana anyone?



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If we really end up picking our president for looks, I'm moving to Canda. There everyone is so bundled up all the time you can't tell what they look like, which may explain why they have reasonable foreign policy. The weather is no worse than where I live now, and the politics is a whole lot smarter.

And I'm in California, where political races practically have a swimsuit competititon. Where Gray Davis was voted out of office early for having no charisma. What? You don't remember Gray Davis? I rest my case.

Good thing we're already pretty evolved, because if it were up to me, the species might be extinct. Once someone opens their mouth, their level of attractiveness changes dramatically. The most beautiful people become repulsive, if what they say is either idiotic or hateful.

On the other hand, a smart person who can also make me laugh, or inspire me, becomes the most attractive.

Mel Gibson is a good example. I used to think he was gorgeous. Then, when it turned out he was a moron, and an anti-semite, suddenly he turned into someone I really don't care to look at - at all. Even Tom Cruise was cute until I found out he was stone crazy - now he gives me the creeps.

I'm trying to keep the politics out of it, but obviously, there are some handsome men and lovely women out there who might as well be gargoyles now. And, thankfully, there are some assholes who actually look like assholes from the start. I'm looking at you, Rush. And don't try to hide behind O'Reilly, either. Blech.

And what about Chris Matthews and Lou Dobbs? God, I am so sick of all these awful men polluting the airwaves and spewing hate.

Well, thanks for making me spit at my computer screen, Sarah, with that ass comment! And then again with the comparison factor. Just the idea of Bruni standing next to the likes of Camilla with one of her ridiculously hideous hats is side-splitting.

I'm with you, Michele. Looks do not matter, and they shouldn't matter. (And don't forget that McCain left his first wife for Cindy, which is a big "NO" to me.)

Kathy, I'm with you on the dumb as a box of rocks deal; if a man isn't halfway intelligent, it doesn't matter how gorgeous he might be. Dullness is a big turnoff. I'm thinking that's George Clooney's appeal--he's not just a big handsome stud of a guy, but he's also smart and funny, and kind. Now that's a turn-on!

Oops - we need to give equal time to toxic women. Ann Coulter (who could hide behind Rush Limbaugh, heh) is perhaps the worst of the bunch. I'm sure there are more - but I can't watch those people at all, so I don't know many of the names.

Karen - amen on George Clooney - has anyone seen "Leatherheads"? He looks terrific in the previews.

So, if looks are more important, then replace Hilary with Denise Richards and watch the men turn out in droves. I'm with michele...Canada is the way to go! Seriously, Barack Obama is not my idea of cute (replace him with Denzel and I'm there). I'm still not sure he's my idea of President either, but we're not there yet. We as a society place way too much emphasis on looks and the fear of looking as old as we are (case in point Priscilla Presley). Or hearing words we don't want to hear when it comes to solving problems. I'm as guilty as the next person but as I get older it gets easier to plow through the surface stuff and get to character. This might sound like a hi-jack. but isn't that essentially what we're discussing? Beauty vs the Beast? And how we react to each?

Ann Coulter, too! Let's lock them all in a room together and let them talk each other to death. Oh -- oops! -- I think that would violate the Geneva Convention.

Yes on Denzel! And also Idris Elba from The Wire.

As far as I know, Leatherheads isn't out until next weekend. But we saw previews at the theatre months ago, and I can't wait to see it! Did you see that he premiered it in his hometown of Augusta, KY last weekend? Augusta is a teeny, tiny river town in the middle of nowhere. And then he and Renee Zellweger signed autographs for anyone who wanted them, out of about 2,000 people who were waiting in line. That is class.

Maryann, you're so right about our national obsession with looks and youth. I am purposely not dyeing the grey out of my hair for that very reason. I'm choosing to call the look "grey highlights".

Karen, not grey, SILVER, and usually well-earned!

Karen, Mary is so right. Silver is the word :o) I'm lucky that it's coming in gracefully and highlight-y because it doesn't do that for everyone. I also agree with the dullness or wack-o quotient as a definite deterrent no matter how well put together someone is. I can watch The Firm and A Few Good Men but no others...and even Lindsay's escapades have ruined the remake of The Parent Trap for me (and I adore Dennis Quaid). Hmmm I think my shallow side is bubbling up. Time to go back to work.

Got it. From now on, it's silver. Thanks!

I'm thinking Clooney's big appeal is that he's easy-going. A nice guy, talks off the cuff, is relaxed with himself and what he's doing. Which is also, I think, the appeal in Mr. Obama. Hillary's still my candidate, but I can see why she turns off so many people--she's the antithesis of easy-going. I just hope we can get past appearances to the issues at hand. But I really can't wait for George's new movie.

Sorry to be so late with this comment. Sarah, I like the blog. You forgot to mention, though, the attractiveness factor of big Angelina Jolie-like lips...you know...like being ready to take that "big strapping man" in the procreation part of survival. (Just another Clooney/Zellweger fan adding my two cents worth.)

...and I don't mean just the lips on the face...

Sarah, I had to come back and say that it would be refreshing to have someone in the Oval Office with thunder thighs. Power to the thighs!!

Amen, Karen.

I'm for Barack -- and not just because he's cute and has great legs (check out his beach chair photo; memo to heart: slow down.) I'm for him because I think he brings more to the table than Clinton. Of course I'll support Hillary if she's the nominee. The thought of another Republican administration is scarier than a midnight visit from Dracula.

Denzel? Hmmm. Sounds good. Anyone here a super delegate?


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Do you know where i can find extremely cheap gas powered scooters

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