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May 27, 2007

TLC Advice-a-thon: Michele's Advice From The Drug Wars

Advice From the Drug Wars

by Michele

For those of you who somehow missed this (and that would be tough), I was a narcotics prosecutor for eight years.  You may think you know everything there is to know about narcotics.  You may feel you don't need any advice.  If that's true, I'm guessing you learned what you know on, shall we say, the other side of the street.  In which case, listen up, because you're about to get some valuable advice from the law enforcement perspective, and you never know when it might come in handy. 

(All of this advice is taken from real-life cases, by the way.)

Where Not to Hide Contraband

  • In the baby's diapers (too obvious -- everybody does that)
  • In your bra (who needs the pat-down?)
  • In your stomach  (people die that way)
  • In the trash can you're standing in front of (duh!)
  • In a suitcase with a newly-installed false bottom that still reeks of glue (the Customs guys, at least in New York, have large noses)
  • In your mother's purse (is that really fair??)

Smarter Options

  • In a custom $20,000 "trap" or "hide" built seamlessly into the floor of your car
  • In a custom-constructed "trap" or "hide" built into the floor of your apartment
  • In your girlfriend's house (as long as you have another girlfriend who you like better)

What to do if you get arrested

  • Pull out the card of the DEA guy who arrested you last time and say you're his informant (this usually takes a while to sort out).
  • Say you thought you were carrying diamonds.
  • If you're female, say your scary boyfriend made you do it (works every time).

Miscellaneous Good Advice

  • These guys will kill you.  Seriously.


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Someone hid drugs in his mother's purse?

It wasn't a polka dot clutch, was it?

Have you seen Chris Rock's Advice on how not to get arrested?

It's hilarious and reminds me of some of these.

A student showed it in class when we were doing civil rights and it brought down the house.

REally? You can show a cop's business card and claim you're his informant? That's brilliant. I just rec'd the biz card of an FBI agent. Instead of keeping it in my Rolodex, maybe I should stow it in my wallet instead? Cool.

Yes, Nancy. This works especially well if the cop is (a) retired or (b) in another state. First of all, it takes a while to check the story out. Second, even once the guys who arrested you figure out your story is BS, you can still use it at your trial.

Here's how to use it at trial. Just tell the jury that you weren't buying the drugs for yourself, but to set up the seller on behalf of the PD, DEA or whoever. WHen your so-called handler takes the stand and denies this, you say he's just covering his butt because he doesn't have all his paperwork in order (which also explains why there's no paperwork proving you're an informant.) I have seen this work with juries even when it's complete BS.

My favorite was;
Those aren't my drugs!
Well, they were in your pants.
No no, these ain't my pants, they're my brothers pants!

Hey michele! I hope you read this. I would have commented on your more recent blog, but i hate the sopranos (sorry). But i got most wanted for like $5 in hard-back, because it looked interesting. Im 19, and have never cared about reading, but i couldnt put your book down. I read it in like 3 days, then got finishing school. I got finishing school after that and loved it (i was hoping trevor got killed) sorry im just being honest, i didnt like him, i know that sounds horrible.

Anyway i read some review about this book called 'the overlook', and they were talking about how great it was in some magazine, and it was your genre. I got it, and it's terrible. He doesnt build the characters up, and i think i read 4 pages about ciggarette ashes. Im half way through the book and he finally left the police station. He's supposed to be some great author, but your miles ahead of him. The way you give people personalities, it makes me like them or hate them. Just like trevor, i didnt like him, i hate bernadette, and that guy gaby or whatever, you made him sound so cheesy. I liked bud, that guy was smoothe. I hated rommie, and slice, and you ended it how i wanted. I wanted rommie to go to jail, but i wanted him to be injured for screwing with the case so much, and i wanted slice to get his head split. As bad as it may sound, i wanted Bud to get away, he was just so slick you had to like him, and i just hated trevor for some reason. Im getting cover-up next time i go anywhere, and cant wait for you to write more. Your the best crime/mystery author as far as im concerned.

About the subject though, im a narcotics CI. I have a number. I cant remember it 02something, but i have my handlers cell phone #'s. So it might take more than that. But before, guns are best hidden in boxsprings, drugs, vents, or if you live on your own, pringles cans, in the cabinet, any container you cant see through, in the refridgerator. Right now i get paid to do this, and they basically turn their heads to anything i do as long as im not effecting their busts.

I wanted to become a detective before, and i've never been arrested, i became a ci for the money, and just to be on the winning team, and do some good in the process. But my handler said i could, but it's not the best way because they know informants who actually help get arrests are criminals. But im also considering becomeing a prosecutor. I turn 20 on the 17th, and im getting my GED on the 30th, and im taking a criminal justice course this fall. Reading your book got me interested in that. In fact i got your book while getting my GED test book.

Your the best, and i hope to meet you one day at a book signing or something. You have a bright future ahead of you as an author. Keep up the good work.

oh, and hiding places in the car, if it's important enough, you can take a speaker box apart and put whatever in it.

never saw whay you were talking about, but i know a guy who said the cops searched his truck, like a chevrolet, with the middle seat that opens up. and he had a pistol in it and the cops didnt find it. but other than that, it would be the speaker box, or the door panels.

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