Sex, Again?

Sex, Again?
by Harley

Years ago I heard some advice from someone about fashion magazines. “Don’t read them; they’ll just make you feel bad about yourself.”

I thought, “Wow, that’s radical. Is it true?”

That day, I cancelled my subscription to VOGUE and stopped buying the occasional MADEMOISELLE, COSMO and GLAMOUR and while I didn’t notice my self-esteem skyrocketing, I didn’t miss them.

But at hair salons, I feel compelled to read magazines. What if something big’s happened, hairwise, since my last visit—the return of the Mullet, say, or the Pixie or Farrah Fawcett-Majors side wings? So last week while getting my roots done, I was flipping some fashion rag or other, and on page 124, there it was: a feature article entitled: How Much Sex Are You Having?

“Good news!” the article cried. “A vast majority of you are having sex 3-5 times a week!”

“For whom is it good news?” I wondered. Because for the slim minority who’s not getting laid 3-5 times a week, I see no reason to pop champagne .

I am not doing it 3-5 times a week because A. I have small children who, when left alone, come up with interesting activities, like watering the carpets; B. I get up at 5 a.m. and am comatose by 10 pm, while my husband’s still at work at 10 pm and drags himself awake at 7:30 a.m.

That led me to wonder who responded to this survey. Not Sarah, with teenagers in the house, or Nancy With Snoring Husband or Michele, stuck in the hole, or Elaine, who’s out washing her car. (Margie? Maybe. Probably.) So what are the research methods?

I needed more information. Accuracy. True facts. Hard Science. Sources I could trust. Naturally, I turned to the Internet.

I went home and asked Google, “How Often Are People Having Sex?”

Some random findings:

-- 20% of people using Durex condoms are having sex twice a day.
-- 59% of married people are bathing together in order to spice up their sex lives, 37% are watching porn, and 22% are having sex in public.
-- The average sexual encounter lasts 30 minutes when it’s dark and there’s no sexy talk, but throwing in sexy talk adds 19 minutes to the experience.
-- 74% of those in a committed relationship have sex once a week or more.
-- 4 out of 10 people rarely or never give oral sex.

This last fact grieves Preacher Joe Beam, in Tennessee (and me). In a seminar on Hot Christian Love, Preacher Joe advises men how to make semen taste better (“eat sweet stuff. Cake.”) and encourages masturbation, phone sex, birth control, the Kama Sutra, and, with some restrictions, anal sex. As long as you’re married, And heterosexual. Oh: but no sex if you’re having your period.

It’s all there in the Bible, says Preacher Joe.

I’m no Biblical scholar, but if anyone can point me to the chapter and verse that deals with phone sex, I’d be grateful.

My question remains: who answers these surveys? Has anyone gotten a phone call from a researcher, saying, “In the name of Science, please discuss your sexual habits.” Because I haven’t. But I can tell you this: I don’t need 19 minutes of sexy talk in the dark, since one of us would be asleep after Minute Four. My fantasies are simple, and I share them here for the benefit of mankind.

Husband, wearing a blond wig, whispers those three little words I long to hear: “Bond. James Bond.”

Happy Monday!
Harley

Comments

[Cinema Dave]

I think the people who answer internet surveys are in middle school, with a LOT of free time on there hands. Teens have to use their hands for something.

[ramona]

That punch line was just to irk me, wasn't it, Harley?

[Kathy Sweeney]

Ahhh, and we're off to another great week at TLC.

Thanks for the new fantasy, Harley, but I'll stick with the brogue and the brunette. Chocolate and vanilla, Ramona.

And I know we don't talk politics here, but I'll bet there hasn't been anything oral going on in the White House since Monica left the building. I'm just saying.

[Josh]

The reference to Hot Christian Love conjures the memory of Sarah's and my classmate, Dr. Doug (the doctorate is from an on-line mill of sorts). Good stuff:

http://www.drdougweiss.com/

People are not completely honest when they answer those surveys, so there's lots of wishful thinking or joking around that goes into the responses. I mean, who has anal sex only three times a week? Certainly not Melanie Martinez-see Michele's link from a few weeks ago.

[Nancy Martin]

The only phone survey I ever get is the one about how much money I'm giving Hillary. I think it's the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Consumer Report. So far, they haven't asked about sex, anal or otherwise.

[michele martinez]

Since I don't answer the phone or doorbell anymore, the only surveys I get are pop-up ones online. Hey -- maybe we should do a TLC sex survey!

[Rebecca the Bookseller for Elaine]

Harley - great blog!

Josh - have you and Margie been comparing notes again?

Michele - if ever there was an assignment for Margie, there it is.

[Sue]

They have these surveys in high school now under the guise of gathering health information for various places. My son says they all lie as outrageously as they can, just because what they're asking is none of their business.

Now on the other topic, you think it's bad now? Wait until your three are teenagers with other teenagers constantly visiting. You'll never have time to have sex because you'll be too busy making sure none of them are having time to have it. There are street signs on both ends of our block..."You Are Now Entering A No Sex Zone."

[Charlaine Harris]

Maybe one of the surveyers would call me and talk dirty to me? I want to prolong the experience.

[Harley]

Gee, Sue, thanks. Hadn't thought of that. We're just trying to get all the letters of the alphabet learned, and going in the correct direction.

And Ramona? It was for YOU, all for YOU I did it! There are no copyrights on fantasies.

[Harley]

Charlaine, what's your phone number? Because I'm sure someone (Josh? Margie?) could take some time out of their busy Monday to give you a call

[Maryann]

If we're to believe those Cialis ads, some of those 59% bathing together are also part of the 22% doing it in public,overlooking beaches, canyons, and other romantic vistas as the sun sinks slowly in the West(and turning pruny in the process.

Fantasy? Hmmm. Quick. Ben Quick. (Lucky Joanne Woodward!)

[ramona]

Well, at least you're woman enough to admit it, Harley.

Man, this fantasy sharing sucks. When I see Blond Bond running, I turn into one of your 5-year-olds: Mine! Mine! Mine!

[Harley]

Ramona, I don't know how to break it to you, but did you notice how many women (and men, for that matter) were in the theater with you when you saw CASINO ROYALE? Notice the box office figures? I'm so sorry, but You Are Not Alone.

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

When I was in junior high, the big thing was drug-use surveys. I'm sure I skewed 10 years of data. It wasn't intentional -- I only knew about 2 kinds of coke, the kind you drink and the type of coal, and I figured they didn't want to know about the second one. I wasn't sure why they cared how many cokes I drank each month, but I reported faithfully that it was probably between 3 and 6 (my parents were very strict).

And those people in the bathtubs? Aren't those tubs too small for much in the way of fun? What's that about, anyway? All I think about is "Wow, that water must be getting cold, and that can't possibly be very comfortable."

[ramona]

Yes, sadly, I know, Harley. I'd make a comment about that river in Egypt, but I think that was posted as a no-no New Rule on Friday.

Now that you mention the Bond movie, though...in front of me were a bunch of teenaged girls, all hauling grandma-sized handbags. When the movie started, they pulled all this stuff out of the bags and started knitting! Like, with needles and yarn. What the heck was that about?

[Sue]

Charlaine, the only problem with that is that they never leave a number where you can call back when you're lonely.

I can't think of bathtubs and sex without thinking of Brian Dennehy climbing, fully dressed, boots and all, into the tub with Brooke Adams in "Lion In Africa." He made my toes curl. Something about that man....

[sarahS]

Saw Casino Royale on Friday night, finally. You're right, Ramona. Hottt! And I think the knitting needles are all about sexual frustration or tension. (Those chase scenes were pretty intense.)

Harley - the answer to who does those surveys is....the surveyors! I, personally, do not like to take a bath with anyone or anything else than a cup of tea and People magazine. At least a cup of tea and People don't notice my fat rolls. (Either that, or they're too polite to say anything.)

Great blog.

But I can't do sex tomorrow, can I?

[Harley]

Speaking of uncomfortable, how about sex outdoors? Twigs, bugs, mud. I mean, yes, if you're on Brokeback Mountain, I guess, but . . .

[ArkansasCyndi]

Michelle - a TLC sex survey? If last week was any indication, it might be something like..

Sex - Female
How many times per week - I'm a female every day, so I'd have to say 7.

OH - I'm sorry. You meant something different.

[Josh]

An old Family Circus had the little girl holding her report card and crying to her mother "I got an 'F' in sex!"

My wife had that on her office door for years.

[Darlene Ryan]

Okay, I admit it was me who got surveyed and skewed those results. I checked things on that form that I've never done--I didn't know what some of them were. In my defense it was Monday, I'd been "old" shopping and I had no chocolate.

[Nancy Martin]

Brian Dennehy! Yes! I've always thought he was the perfect Spenser. Okay, he's no Blond Bond now, but he's aging as a man should.

Okay, it's Monday and I haven't had any chocolate yet either....

[Harley]

What is "old" shopping? So intriguing.

[Harley]

Sarah, of COURSE you can do sex tomorrow. Unless you gave it up for Lent.

[ramona]

Sarah, I don't know quite how to say this, but I have seen you in person, and if you have any fat rolls, you must have been carrying them in your purse.

[William Simon]

This whole thread with intimations of phone sex has me wondering:

If I call a woman and talk dirty, it's obscene, it's sexual harassment, possible jail time, and all that.

If a woman calls me and talks dirty, it's 5.99 a minute.

Somehow, that just doesn't work....

[Margie]

OK, I tried to stay out of this one, but you have made it impossible.

So, from the top (which is the best place):

Survey: Says 6 of 10 people are having regular oral sex. Here's how that breaks down -- 9 of 10 men have oral sex all the time. (-7) women are having oral sex. How to you get to a negative number? Well, you have to subtract points for the following answers:

(c) Never; and
(d) What the fuck is that?

[Margie]

Next: Josh, you crack me up. heh.

Charlaine: I can't speak for Josh, but if you want both of us, it'll cost extra.

On the bathtubs - I have already spoken on this subject. No more bathtubs in the ads.

And William - aren't you the one who can speak a couple of languages? I'll bet you wouldn't even have to pay, baby.

[William Simon]

Margie-

Sic est writtus , Sic est perfectus

[Cheryl]

Harley, it sounds like my former life as a Law Widow. The hours and the stress are just not all that conducive to much action. Those surveys would be more interesting if they gave any insight to the participant demographic.

As an aside, this little Torah tidbit always brings a smile:

The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of independent means, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for donkey drivers, once a week; for camel drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months.”

Though I am not a biblical gal, I used to tease my husband that he was not a donkey driver. There are also passages about the obligation to please the woman and kissing all parts of her body. Pretty racy stuff for a bunch of old dead guys. I wonder if this is part of Rev. Beam's program?

[Harley]

Cheryl, I must ask. Since it was your former life, did your husband
retire, die, or move on to someone far less interesting than you?

[Buzz]

Great blog Harley. Cheryl it makes sense to me. Men (and women) of independent means are able to plan and contrive better than the rest of us. Directors have casting couches, Enron types have their trophy wives and plumbers have those bathtubs in their back yards.

[Harley]

What with our septic tank problems, a plumber is looking better and better.

[patty smiley]

Seriously? None of you have ever gotten the survey call? My phone rings at least 3-5 times a week.

[Mary-Frances Makichen]

Harley,
Great blog and your comment about outdoor sex really cracked me up. In movies sex on the beach looks so romantic and passionate. In real life the sand gets everywhere and I mean everywhere. Not romantic or sexy just uncomfortable.

[Cheryl]

Harley, you are so sweet.

Luckily for me and the kids, he came to the conclusion that he was not interested in being a partner in private practice. It could be that at his firm none of the partners had a healthy marriage and/or well-adjusted kids. It did not help that in DC, even the non-profit types don't work family-friendly hours.

He was fortunate enough to land a gig as the compliance guy at a pharmaceutical company. He leaves at 7:30 and his home by 5:30, pretty dreamy after the lawyerin' hours. We'll never see the partner dollars, but I'd rather see him than the money.

Am I a sap or what? I'm still coming to terms being in St. Lous and not DC, but that's on me.

On a sad note, talk about stats, last spring when we visited DC, 3 of the 4 couples I stayed with were struggling in the marriage, in large part to the hours. 2 of the 3 had law partner husbands, the other a non-profit bigwig. All the careers were so exciting, bla, bla, bla, but the wives were getting BITTER. The only couple doing well is gay and the lack of kids may have really helped.

[ramona]

"The only couple doing well is gay and the lack of kids may have really helped."

Now you tell me.

[Darlene Ryan]

Harley, "old" shopping is shopping for my three senior citizens--two are over 90 and in a nursing home. Ever been hunting for blouses for a 91 year-old woman to show off her assets? Try explaining that to the clerk in woman's wear.

[Tom]

Cheryl wrote:

Cheryl, there are wonderful things about being in St. Louis, and two of them are Ted Drewes.

You're in a good place. I hope you get a chance to enjoy it.

[Tom]

Hmmm. Sorry, I shouldn't have been in such a rush, and should have previewed.

[Cheryl]

Tom, you are right, Ted Drewes is quite tasty and there are many great things about St. Louis. A big part of the move was about quality of life, which is quite sweet. It is more about the not being where the "action" is, that I miss.