Giving Up My Martyrdom

Giving Up My Martyrdom

By Elaine Viets

It takes a special kind of courage for Elizabeth Edwards to tell her husband to continue his campaign for President. She has refused to let her incurable cancer stop John Edwards’ bid for the Oval Office.

She is an amazing woman, and I applaud her decision.

But it took a different kind of courage for her husband to accept her offer. Not as much courage, not by a long shot. But sometimes, such a tremendous gift can be hard to accept.

About two years ago, my husband Don and I faced the Edwards’ dilemma on a smaller scale. I had a book tour to launch a new series. Plane tickets were bought, events were planned, and everything was set to go.

Then Don was diagnosed with a nasty complication from an old cancer treatment: a radiation fistula. If you don’t know what that is, you’re lucky. It’s horribly painful and difficult to cure.

His doctor was afraid to operate. He tried to cure it by taking Don off food and water for three months to give his tortured gut a rest. Don took his nourishment through a feeding tube. Because of the danger of infection, he had to go to a nursing home – partly during my ten-day tour.

I knew my duty. "I’m cancelling my tour."

"No, you’re not," Don said.

"Of course I am," I said. "We’re in this for better or worse. In sickness and in health."

"I don’t want your sacrifice," Don said. "I want you to succeed. You need that tour."

He was right. I did. I knew it. He knew it. But I also knew only a heartless bitch would abandon her sick husband.

"Tour’s canceled," I said. "That’s that."

"The tour is NOT canceled," Don said. "We’ll be in touch by cell phone. You’re two hours away by plane."

A small selfish voice whispered, "Take it." But I nobly ignored it.

"The tour’s canceled," I repeated.

"I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who killed your career," Don said.

"The book could die anyway," I said.

"Yes, but if you go on tour and the book dies, it’s not my fault," Don said. "If you stay home and it tanks, I’ll blame myself. I have enough guilt already. I’ve taken too much of your life with this illness. I don’t want your career on my conscience."

I wanted to say yes. I wanted to escape the sights and smells of the nursing home, if only for ten days. I wanted a short vacation in the world of the well. But I couldn’t leave Don alone. Besides, what would people think?

Ah, that was the evil little secret under those noble layers of wifely martyrdom – how would it look? How would I explain my actions? Some people would never understand. My husband was so sick, friends actually asked if I planned to remarry. Now I was running off on a book tour.

I would have accepted my martyrdom, and maybe ruined my marriage, if it wasn’t for a friend who’d recovered from cancer.

"You don’t get it, do you?" my friend said. "You’ve never had cancer. You don’t know how helpless you feel. One day you’re in control of your life, and the next you’re at the mercy of doctors, hospitals and treatments that make you puke up your insides. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, and you can’t think of anything except you’re going to die. Worse, you’ve turned your family into nurses and servants. They have to drop everything for you."

"That’s how it should be," I said. "I love Don. I can’t abandon him."

"If you love him, you’ll go on tour," my friend said. "You won’t make him feel better if you stay at home. He’ll be sick with guilt for ruining your life."

"What if he dies while I’m on the road?"

"What if he dies while you’re at home? What if you’re hit by a truck driving to the nursing home? Don’t you want this tour?"

"I shouldn’t be doing what I want right now."

My friend looked at me. "You’re afraid what people will say, aren’t you?"

"I want to do the right thing," I said.

"Then do what Don wants. Let him be in control. He’s giving you a great gift. Have the guts to take it."

I went on tour. The book did well. Don found another doctor who performed the risky surgery, and he made an amazing recovery. He’s back at work. We’re living happily ever after.

Elizabeth Edwards was brave enough to give her husband that same choice. And John Edwards had the courage to take it.

I wish them the same happy ending.

Comments

[Mary-Frances Makichen]

Elaine,
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. It makes me think of the meaning of the words grace, love, courage, and perseverance. I've been married for fifteen years and when things get tough it seems like there's always a moment when a couple can choose to pull together or let life pull them apart. You and Don obviously have a lot of heart and pulled together during a very difficult time. Thanks again for sharing.

[Tom]

What's that maxim? "It's not the things you don't know that'll get you - it's the things you know that ain't so." 'Cancer family' mandatory martyrdom is one of those things.

This was a good time to tell the tale, Elaine. Thank you. Please tell the Perfesser I say "Hey."

[Kathy Sweeney]

Elaine - how beautiful! Both the telling and the lesson are so moving - thank you for sharing such personal experiences with us.

And what a happy ending for you and Don. Don't you just love when that happens?

Praying for healing and hope for the Edwards family. So much tragedy there already, it's hard to fathom.

[Cinema Dave]

Whoever knew that writers have to be such fighters.

[Nancy Martin]

Hey, Elaine? You've got a lot of friends you love you, too.

[sarahS]

Elaine - this was an important blog to write - and probably a difficult one, too. Thank you for sharing a personal moment, a difficult moment, so we can better understand what's going on.

I understand what Don was saying. Having had friends and family members who've survived cancer, the one lesson I've picked up is the need for control. Sheesh, what a sucky disease.

So glad it worked out for both you. Happy endings. Right. The best ever...

[michele martinez]

I'm amazed by Don's generosity, his love for you and his determination to keep fighting. What a guy.

Thank you for sharing this story so honestly, Elaine, especially the part about worrying about how it looks. The reality is, people are judgmental. Look at the crap John Edwards is getting for carrying on with his campaign. I hope if I'm ever in a situation like this, I have the guts to make the brave choice you and Don did. Thank you for setting a great example, just like Elizabeth Edwards has.

[ramona]

All of the above posters beat me to posting, so I'll just ditto their sentiments. I wish you and Don, and the Edwards, happy years together.

[Elaine Viets]

Thanks, everyone.

[J.D. Rhoades]

"My husband was so sick, friends actually asked if I planned to remarry."

Get new friends.

PS Don rocks, and so so you. it was great meeting you at Va Book Fest.

[laurenjharwood]

This one brought tears to my eyes.

[sarahS]

Yeah, I meant to ask about that...what is it with those friends, Elaine?

It's kind of amazing what people say and do while one's dealing with grief/sickness/loss. Then again, I've said some boneheaded things myself so who am I to judge?

But, really, remarrying???

[Elaine Viets]

More than one friend approached me and said, "If anything happens to Don, will you remarry?"
I finally reminded them that Don wasn't dead.
The other thing was that Don landed on the Neptune Society's "cheap funerals" mailing list, so I had to run and get the mail and tear that stuff up.
And on a lighter note, JD Rhoades and I were on a panel together. The man is hilarious.

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

Thanks, Elaine. I knew I admired John Edwards for honoring his wife's wishes. Now I have a much better understanding of why. I don't ever want to be in that situation, but hope I can handle it with as much grace and courage as you obviously did if I am.

[Maryann]

Thanks, Elaine for sharing. Isn't it sad how people judge others for doing what their spouses ask? As if it diminishes the love somehow. Not so. It simply adds another dimension. I am so happy you and Don have a happy ending and after reading Elizabeth Edwards' book I know she and John will handle whatever challenges they face together, no matter what those 'other people' say.

[William Simon]

A classic example of what marriage SHOULD be. Partners, together, no matter what.

[Mary]

Courageous writing! Thank you for sharing that; you have probably helped so many people. Don is so supportive and giving, and you two provide good model of what marriage should be. Thank goodness for medical miracles!
When my mother was approaching the end of her long battle with cancer, I decided I should cancel the storytelling cruise I had scheduled months before. The staff of her assisted living residence all argued that I should go, that I needed to get away for a bit and that I was like a ship my mother sent out to bring back stories and treasures for her. Mom wasn't saying much at that point, but when it was time for the trip and I said I'd be gone for a week, she said, "I'll see you then." If she had said, "don't go," I wouldn't have gone. When I returned, she quietly enjoyed the travel photos, especially the one of swimming with sting rays! She left this earth a few days later for her own adventures.

[Shannon]

Thanks for telling your story and I'm glad you and your husband got your happy ending. My husband is going through a major medical crisis now and this is a good reminder to me to listen to what he's telling me and not assume that he's just saying something so I won't feel guilty.

[Elaine Viets]

Mary, thank you for a very fine story.
Shannon, I'm hoping you and your husband will both be OK.

[ArkansasCyndi]

This was a "bring tears to the eyes" post. Not because it was sad. It wasn't. It was because the story is of two people who loved each other so much that they wanted what was best for the other.

You were right to go on the tour. The mental process of getting well can be as important as the physical process. You gave him mental peace by going. He didn't have to worry about YOU...he could concentrate on him and getting better. But, I know it was so hard for you to do. Sometimes the right thing is hard.

Great blog. Thank you for sharing

[Nancy]

Thanks for having the courage to share this experience. This post brought tears to my eyes. I agree w. most of the other commenters. A big ditto from me.

Probably one of the hardest things I have ever done is to take a weekend class while my FIL was in the hospital with cancer. I did it and he passed away a week later. And, because I went to that class I could be there for him and my family in a way I could not have before the class. It all works out in the end if we honor the needs of everyone involved.

I had to delurk for the post, but I love all of the posts on this blog.

[Harley]

Elaine, include me among the weepy readers. This was so enlightening, esp. for those of us who haven't been through the cancer thing, thank God, with an immediate family member. Thank you.

[Mary Alice Gorman]

Elaine, Thanks for sharing......I am so glad you have been my friend thru my breast cancer............checking my white platlet count, cheering my getting "dressed to kill" for chemo days and encouraging words like those above. You are both to be admired and rewarded with recovery in this process.

The idea that a couple can share a whole dream for a lifetime and then abandon that dream and give up on life when cancer strikes-----what are they thinking to critisize and interfere. You told us thru your example. I know few survivors who crave nothing more than the control to make their own decisions and get the empowerment and energy that brings.

Love ya both and thanks, mary alice

[Josh]

Mary Alice, I don't know anyone with cancer, so I've spent the last eight hours (since I read this initially) checking back to see if you would post.

[Elaine Viets]

Thank you, Mary Alice, and everyone else who posted.

[beachfla]

Elaine, thank you for sharing your story.
Mary Alice, we love you.

[Cheryl]

Thank you for sharing your experience. It is always good to hear about a happy ending.

There is a line from Shawshank Redemption that will always stay with me. Morgan Freeman's character says, "Get busy living or get busy dying". It is all the more relevant when you know that you are facing a finite number of days.

[Shannon]

Thanks, Elaine. He appears to be on the road to recovery and it's going to be a long one, but we'll get through it. Your post helped me remember what's important in all of this.

[terrilynn]

I'm currently undergoing treatment for cancer and this post really resonated with me. One of the most annoying things about this disease is its merciless stripping away of any semblance of control I ever thought I had. You gave your husband a great gift by honoring his wishes.