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February 23, 2007

Why Isn't Anyone Having Sex?

Why Isn't Anyone (Else) Having Sex?

By Me, Margie, who is, but what's with the rest of you?

Everywhere I go, people are bitching about sex.  Not the fun kind of bitching, like - 'can you believe he really thought I would do that?!'  Or the standard kind of bitching, like - 'doesn't anyone remember the concept of ladies first?'

I mean, people - men and women both - are really not having sex.  And they're talking about it.  Everywhere.  The salon.  In restaurants.  At the mall.  Online.  On their cell phones in the grocery store.  And by the way, Shelly - you know that conversation you had in the produce section about how you've been stepping out on Mark for months and he doesn't know it?  He does now, honey.  So I hope you did some shopping while you were standing there yakking.

Really, people - do you think the cell phone automatically provides some kind of cone of silence?  Well, surprise - it doesn't.  So the next time you decide to launch into a cell phone discussion invloving the details of your gastro-intestinal problems, how about taking it somewhere other than the booth next to mine at the International House of Pancakes, okay?

OK - so we were talking about sex, or no sex, as the case may be.   Lately, I feel like I am wearing a big sign that says: "Hi, I'm Margie.  Tell me you're not getting any."  And what am I supposed to say to that?  "Me neither?"  Shit, I've got enough reasons for going to hell without adding lying to the list.  No, what they want me to say is: "Oh, no problem, just do X, Y and Z, and you'll be going at it like bunnies."  I don't think so.  You don't amass a knowledge base like mine and then just give it away.

The thing is, I totally get that some people don't think sex is the greatest thing on the planet.  I myself cannot understand why they make vanilla ice cream.

But if people are kvetching about not having sex, then I have to assume that: (a) they remember what it is; and (b) they liked it.  And instead of making suggestions like - oh, I don't know, maybe changing things up a bit - maybe a light on or something - or maybe a position other than the one in the 6th grade biology book - whatever - I am going to try to nail down the reason.

After listening to a lot of people - and I mean a lot of people, here are my seven theories:

1.  People get married.  That's the kiss of freaking death for good sex, and everyone knows it.

2.  People are tired.  Winter is the worst for this one, because when the weather is lousy, people feel lousy.  And when they feel lousy, they can't get it through their thick heads that sex makes you feel so much better, and it's worth it to fake the first five minutes or so until your body has time to catch up to the good stuff. 

3.  Women don't like to shave their legs unless it's a sure thing, and then it's too late.

4.  People would just rather fly solo - it's easier, quicker and everybody goes to sleep happy.

5.  No one is going to hotels any more.  If there is anyone out there who doesn't know that hotel sex is always hot, wake up and smell the room service.

6.  People are afraid they're going to catch something, such as a loser who tries to stick like a barnacle.  Or, like, herpes.

7.  Mother Nature is a bitch.  In order to propogate the species (learned that in Sunday School), men are at their sexual peak in their teens and twenties.  But women don't reach their sexual peak until their 40s and 50s.  So good for Demi and Ashton, and the rest of you are screwed.  Which is what they call irony, right?

So listen, I simply cannot do everything for you people, and I didn't even put up any pictures because every time I do that and it's about sex, I get a note in the file. 

I can only do so much - now that I've alerted you to this crisis - let's call it Global Frigi'ng - you need to do your part to pull the rest of humanity out of this slump.

So shave your legs - or your face, guys - nobody likes a brush burn in the cold weather - and put on some perfume and some music and take one for the team. 

And remember - like I always say - you can thank me later.  But don't thank me during.  People will talk.

P.S. Uh, to the Book Tarts: I know I was supposed to post Rebecca's blog about depression, or seasonal affection disorder or whatever. Not a chance. This is Friday and I have a rep to uphold around here. Don't go playin' Captain Bringdown with my people. You can post that crap some other day.


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I love Fridays.

Is someone keeping track of the blog-inspired bumper stickers? Because:

Fight Global Friging: Have More Sex

Is another winner.

Produce section. Still laughing at that one. Margie - you are the best.

No one handles a subject with sensitivity and discretion quite like you, Margie.

The shaving the legs thing? True. Sad, but true.

Here is another reason: what ever happened to old-fashioned seduction? You know, dinner and dancing - that kind of thing. Everybody is in too much of a hurry.

I'll take two of the bumperstickers, please.

Well done, Margie, and I am always happy to defer to your better judgment.

Good lord, I actually said that and meant it. When did Sarah say the Apocolypse was due? Because that might have been the Sixth Seal.

Or, as we used to say when I was a waitress, many moons ago, and we saw a group heading in that we knew was going to be trouble:

Horsemen, Party of Four.

Kimmie - I'm with you on the seduction thing. Amen.

Though I shave my legs every day. I have to. It feels icky otherwise.

Great blog, Margie. You forgot to add kids - especially teenage kids. They are a TOTAL sex downer.

And now for a little poem my husband's cousin, John, used to say about the virtues of sex during the cold months:

When the weather's hot and sticky
That's no time for dunking dicky
But when the frost is on the pumpkn
That's the time for dicky dunkin'

That number 7 is the one my wife quoted when we started seeing each other. I was 23 and she was 31.

Seduction is critical. Waking her up at 2am and whispering those words every woman longs to hear, "Hey baby...look what I've got for you!" doesn't cut it.

A nice restaurant, quiet ambience, and the knowledge that yes, you will go home together, can work wonders.

Never ever underestimate the power of Date Your Mate...:)

(Yes, ladies...men want romance too....)

Captain Bringdown here. Consider a note going into your file by noon, Margie. And you'd better stop listening at my office door, young lady, and I mean now.

Margie - this blog has received the highest honor I can bestow - it's on the main News Board at work.

Everyone has stopped on the way past to figure out what it was, and then the laughs start like dominos as people line up to see what is so funny.

You should be a motivational speaker or something. Emphasis on the something.

I love ya, baby.

Forget the bumper stickers. You guys could make a fortune selling shields for the monitor and key board.

I knew not to start drinking the coffee until I was done reading the blog (Captain Bringdown? Priceless)

But then I made the mistake of taking a drink before finishing the comments. Now I've got yet another mess on my hands thanks to TLC!

Happy Friday!

JJ - you got it right.

This one is going to the printer and then the copier. Every person in America should read this blog and make immediate plans to rectify this national crisis.

So Margie - when my wife calls, you be sure to tell her this was your idea, not mine.

I don't know where you come up with these, girl, but they are g-ddamn dynamite.

Oh - and Rebecca - very gracious. And I almost lost my coffee over "Horsemen: Party of Four." You'll be hearing that at Uncle Sal's place starting this weekend.

OK, I knew about #1 and #6, and I always suspected #3.

But #4 - are you talking about girls as well as guy, because I'm not sure about that.

Margie - you are a goddess among women.

Once again, you nailed it.

Can't say enough about the vasectomy as a mood enhancer. No muss, no fuss. Also, early bedtimes and a sense of humor.

Very fun blog. Happy Friday.

One good thing about post-menopause, besides the 'no birth control' perk, is that I no longer have to shave my legs, or that other place women get razor burn (no Margie, not the bikini line, think higher..and then higher).Don't ask me why. It just happened. Doesn't diminish anything either. Winter is a factor though. Who wants to risk frostbite (ok we keep the bedroom a little cooler...why have down comforters otherwise?)? And #6 & #7 have definite merit.
Still, where there's a will, there's usually a way. Maybe sex isn't as exciting as it used to be simply because it's everywhere...books, movies, the news. TMI (Think Anna Nicole & Britney...they're better than a cold shower!)
Great post as usual Margie. My tea is safely at the other end of the desk.

Margie, Margie, Margie.

I have to ask: what are you doing wasting your time being a receptionist?

Call me - we can make a fortune together doing seminars and stand-up. You are too funny.

I think William knows my ex boyfriend. :)

Great post Margie

As always, Margie, you made a great argument! Last night while I sat at my 8 yr old's basketball practice with all the other parents, I was very socially reading a magazine and avoiding all contact with others, when one of the mothers (who's a trauma surgeon, I might add), asked me which magazine I was reading (okay, it was More, for those of us over 40...). ANYWAY, she shared that she read a magazine (she couldn't remember which one) at a salon last week that included a current survey about women and sex and the fact that the AVERAGE number of partners for women in a life-time is 11. Ha! I was wondering, Margie, if you participated in that survey, thus skewing it for the rest of us?

I have to tell you, this blog is teaching me more about women than 30 years of life.

You ladies should do an Instructional Manual. You'd clean up.

Phil? Margie is not wasting her time being a receptionist. If you think this is good, you should see her type and file.

Although, come to think of it, there hasn't been a lot of that going on lately. There have been a lot of men coming by. She says they're here to fix the printer/fax/copier. I guess it's a harder repair job than it appears to be.

Hello boys and girls.

You guys always blow me away with your great comments and kind words. And a special shout out to the Men of the Blog for sharing their views.

Rebecca - thanks and you may be right.

Sarah - nice poem. I think I'll put that in the TLC brochure.

Nancy - who me?!

Chris - I don't know if you are a man or a woman, but either way, that was a joke, right?

KD - then why is he an Ex, honey?

Beachfla - does that mean 11 in a row, or per year, or like over spring break, or what? Because no way do most women do more than a couple at a time, even where I come from.

Great post, Margie.
Noticed there's not so much dialogue today. Looking like folks read, write and then go off to do who knows what!
You are an original.

Love and Joy, mary alice

I'm still here, Mary Alice, and still writing. Which......okay.....maybe that's the problem.

I think KD was referring to the 1st couple of lines of William's post. I too am familiar with that courting style.

Can you guys call my husband and talk him into the vasectomy thing? Because I'm not getting anywhere. I'll promise #s 2 and 3.

I can't count the number of things I've learned from this blog. Not to mention the laughs. Thanks for a great read.

Finally - some one is saying this stuff out loud. Every time my friends and I get together, somebody starts on this subject.

There is such a misconception that it's only men who are frustrated. In fact, it's my female friends who are the ones who are wondering what happened to the hound dogs they married.

Thanks Margie, for speaking for the rest of us.

Margie - who are these women and where can I find them?

Somebody said teenage kids are a downer let's not forget abouth those cute little toddlers that come busting into your room just as your husband presses play on the stereo, Marvin Gaye barely has time to utter the work "Let's" and here she comes.

And the leg shaving, I finally shaved mine last weekend because we had a wedding to go to, I can't even remember the last time I did it had to be before Christmas.

Whether 11 is a mean or a median, it still seems high. If I had known that, I would feel even more inadequate than Kid Rock watching the Pam-Tommy Lee video.

Margie, you rock. Nice beads, too :)

Wow, Margie, have you hit another jackpot!

That IS what my friends and I are talking about - and R-Girl - amen to that.

Once you have kids, forget nudity - you've got to be ready to cover up when you hear those little feet in the hallway.

Margie, you do it to me every time!

I can only imagine the conversations you have at the salon - I mean, if people in your neighborhood chat up on their affairs while perusing vegetables, god only knows what they discuss in the sacred cover of the salon...

Thanks for sharing with the rest of us what women REALLY talk about.

Well, the rest of you can just turn fourteen shades of green, because Margie herself just made an appearance for an iced mocha latte. Well, naturally, we were all talking about her blog today, which was up on the laptops, so we corralled her to lead the discussion.

Here are our conclusions:

Gay people are having lots of great sex.

Straight people are not having enough sex, great or otherwise.

So basically, we need to trade half our infield for half your outfield, swap pitchers and catchers, and get things evened out.

It's really that simple, and we think Margie needs to be the next head of the U.N. I mean, if she can get this one figured out over lunch, the Middle East will be a snap.

Coffee Talk, do not for a minute think you're going to woo Margie away from TLC. Help of any kind is hard to find, and we've invested too much time in teaching Margie how to do our filing. So back off or---well, we'll sic Margie on you.

It's true. I thought it was just me, but it's everybody.

And Margie - you're right - everyone is talking about it. I wonder if it's some kind of astrological convergence or something?

Thanks for the laughs on a dreary Friday.

Hey Coffee alk,

Need a DH?

Margie - I have pictured you in lots of places, but the UN has never been one of them.

And if you're pitching, I'm catching.

Hey Bella!

Sex and baseball - I am going to have to start reading this thing more often.

You know where to come if you need help with either.

So interesting it is, I like it !

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