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February 20, 2007

Root Canal of the Apocalypse

By Sarah

I love slow news days because of articles like this one that appeared Sunday: a group of astronomers wants the U.N. to take action against an asteroid destined to hit and - possibly - destroy Earth on April 13, 2036. It was kind of odd, I thought, that they could narrow this collision down to a single day and so, following a hunch, I did a quick check and found, voila!, that April 13, 2036 will be Easter.

Impact Yup. This is the big one.

Actually, the big one comes as no surprise. I've been waiting for Armageddon and, frankly, I'm a little miffed it's taking this long.

After all, mine is a generation of nuclear age babies, weaned on the concept of mutually assured destruction. My mother was pregnant with me during the Cuban Missile Crisis. We watched Duck and Cover in fourth grade and, in college, our party song was Prince's 1999 where everyone had a bomb so let's have free sex. (Then AIDS had to come along and ruin all the fun.) Armageddon was nothing more than a backstage pass for all sorts of self-destructive behavior.

But it's funny how age screws with one's acceptance of total annihilation. Today I could care less whereas ten years ago the thought of an asteroid plunging into the world sent me running to my children's rooms with fears that we were all doomed.

It was a crystal clear night and Charlie and I, having found a rare opportunity for intimacy, had awakened to ....Well, whatever. The point is that during this moment, I looked out the window to see a HUGE STAR in the sky. At first, I thought it was a plane or maybe a trick of the eye, but no. This star was brilliant. And big. Oh-little-town-of-Bethlehem big.

I had a strange, creepy feeling that this was no ordinary star. This was the beginning of Armageddon. And what was I doing? Having sex! Oh, what a profligate I was.

Leaping from the bed, I ran downstairs to where our laptop was hooked up to the phone line (those days!) and found, much to my relief, that Christ had not come back to judge the living and theHale_bopp_1  dead, but that a comet called Hale-Bopp discovered by two amateur astronomers was passing by. It hung for days and seemed to perch on top of our house, its huge tail flying behind it. Neighbors stood in our driveway and took photos. It was truly the most spectacular thing I'd ever seen in the sky - better even than the guy who used to fly a bicycle over our house. (Long story.)

These days, though, my first thought about a comet plunging into Earth is - Does this mean I don't have to spend $7,000 on my teeth? That's right, you heard me. SEVEN GRAND! It's not like it's seven grand spent on a month traveling the world or a posh vacation in a Caribbean resort. No. This is seven grand spent on two root canals, bridgework, crowns, cavities, cleaning and teeth whitening.

I mean - the end of the world is coming! Who cares if my rear left molar is crumbling into decay.

Surely, with the days ticking away, I can find something better to do with my time and money than sitting in a chair with all sorts of metal in my mouth for weeks on end. Why can't they just yank out the teeth and let me be, anyway? In light of Armageddon breathing down my back, are dentures all that bad?

I think we need to prioritize. We have only 29 more years left - if Global Warming doesn't fry us first. We need to add up the money we have and figure out how to spend it to, okay, alieve the suffering of others, sure, but also to have fun! How about our TBR pile? That chocolate decadent cake we always pass on? The trip to Greece? The bungee jumping? There's so much to do and see.

And what about that job? Is it really necessary to spend day in, day out in an office park? With only 29 more years left, we shouldn't have to put up with rude coworkers or nasty bosses. We should be strolling on beaches, climbing mountains and breathing in what's left of the fresh air - not fighting for parking spaces.

Look, you and I both know the U.N. will never be able to get its act together to stop that asteroid. They'll get as far as a committee, maybe, and then they'll table the asteroid resolution and go out to lunch. We're goners! Rejoice! This so takes the pressure off.

Like our British friend who's staying with us for a week pointed out, the only reason why people over forty start having dental problems is because our teeth weren't meant to be used that long. By now we're supposed to be, uhm, dead.

I'm cancelling that root canal, pronto.

Sarah -


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Oh. My. Gosh. LMAO. Here I was dwelling on the fact my 18yo son, who's bipolar2, would rather get his GED instead of a diploma and then I popped in here. Since we're all gonna die in 30 some years, WHO cares if my kid has a GED or a diploma?? It'll be irrelevant especially since we're the kind of Christians who believe Jesus will save us from Armageddon! Great perspective Sarah! Thank you.

So......what are you going to spend that 7 grand on?

The time to get worried, or in my case, have a pint, would be when all the dolphins mysteriously disappear, singing, "So long, and thanks for all the fish!" At that point, Everybody Gets Laid!, or at least, I hope I do. And, I grab my towel.

Great post Sarah - and what a relief. At this rate, I won't even make 29 years, but it's good to know I won't have to worry about that pesky long-term health care.

But, honey, when one sees a bright light in the darkness during sex, that is NOT a sign to get up and check the laptop, okay?

Josh - hilarious. I am now picturing Rodney Dangerfield with a towel - two of my favorites. Wonder who would be his second?

P.S. Speaking of carpe diem - it's Fat Tuesday, everyone - my favorite holiday of the year! I mean, you don't see any holidays lauding skinny people, do you?

Sarah, I like the way you think. That's the best way for the world to end; not with a whimper, but with a..... well, you know the rest...:)

OK, you convinced me. I'm calling in sick, so I can read and eat doughnuts all day. Gotta love the PA Dutch, nothing like a custom that requires doughnut eating.



Sarah, I've heard some pretty good rationalizations to get out of dental work, but Armageddon? That takes the chocolate decadent cake. LMAO at this one! I won't even go...where William went.

Oh, Kathy, today's my favorite day, too, except for this: It's Mardi Gras, and I'm in Delaware. That kind of makes me wish the world WOULD end.

Gee Sarah...now I know why I did not get worried about our generation receiving limited Social Security benefits.

Then again I might run for President of the World and solve this problem with the asteroid. It is the least that i can do.

Since it is Mardi Gras, I have already given beads out to the women I work with--taped to their monitors. I also mailed them Saturday to women I used to work with. Although I told the ex-nun at my children's school last year that they weren't free--as Parish Jew, I can get away with that--I do not demand or even request payment at the office.

Sarah, you *always* skip the decadent chocolate cake? Maybe that's the source of your anxiety to begin with?

Mardi Gras at TLC----Could get dangerous around here today!

Y'all can sit around and chat all day about the end of the world. Today is Mardi Gras and I live 20 from downtown NO. So y'all can figure out how to save the world while I go catch me some beads.

And speaking of Mardi Gras, Asteroids, and Armageddon -- has anyone seen Margie?

And here I thought I came up with innovative ideas to avoid the dentist! I figure the end will come when it comes...and I probably won't be any more ready to go than I am now. I make my peace with God every time I get on a plane...or when I get on the Dan Ryan!

Happy Fat Tuesday all...and Annette, yell "Hey Mister throw me somethin'" for me one time. My body may be a work, but my spirit (and my CamCentral)are on Bourbon Street!

Ooops...my brain should be at work too...that should be "my body may be AT work"...a work it is not :o)

Sarah, skip the dental work, but fill the prescriptions the for pain pills. Just in case. I never use mine, but there they sit, in the medicine cabinet, for a rainy day.

And now, when my kids whine that I've forgotten to buy their favorite cereal, I'm gonna shout back, "WHO CARES!? We're all gonna be DEAD in 29 years!"

Thank you, Sarah.

How heartening to know that we're all such fatalists that this end of the world stuff is happy fodder. I knew I liked you guys for some reason.

Fat Tuesday - that's an official state holiday in Pennsylvania, say? (Ducking here.)I'm definitely gonna get me a doughnut. Something to think about during my appointment Part Deux of the root canal tomorrow.

"It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine...."

Fastnachts...yummy! I guess that I will be driving to the neighbors house for some fresh ones! There is always at least one reason to be thankful for living in Amish country! LOL!

So, lets see, I have got 29 years in which to do everything that I have always wanted to, and to eat what I want where I want? Cool. Of course, since I am usually the baker, I tend not to also be the eater...as proven by the brownies I made this weekend for a booksigning that I am attending tonight for Steve Berry. LOL!

Thanks for the comet warning, Sarah! I guess I'd better start reading that "left behind" series of books so I'll know what to expect, eh?

I knew there was a good reason why I just had a big piece of chocolate cake!!!! Thanks, now I dont feel any guilt at all!!

Skip the root canal but definitely go for the teeth whitening. We all want to look our best on Judgement Day, don't we?

Uh, I won't be in to work today. Thought it was a national holiday.

Same for tomorrow.

P.S. Anybody want any beads?

I'll take some beads, Margie. You can never have too many beads.

At the risk of being, um, killed or something, I just gotta ask: You notify the bosses at 4:51 that you won't be coming in? What kind of hours do you work?

Happy Fastnacht Day from (finally) thawing PA.
Ramona - I am SO serious about lunch. I've been chipping my way to freedom for a week now, and I think one more day ought to do it. 'Cause, if not... I swear I'm strapping a couple of badmitton rackets to my feet and shufflin' outta here.
I tried clicking on your name too, but my computer wouldn't let me link to you. Just between you and me - I suspect a techno-conspiracy. Anyway, please e-mail me at jodystuart@verizon.net . Lunch ? Oh yeah, I am SO ready for human interaction...

Oh, and Ramona... I'll bring you some beads - jody

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