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February 26, 2007

Oscar Shmoshker

Oscar Shmoshker
By Harley

I didn’t watch the Oscars. My husband watched, but I didn’t, except for the Dead People segment, which I love.

It’s a Scroogey thing to admit to on Oscar Monday.

This could be Sour Grapes, since I used to be an actress, one never nominated for an Academy Award. Not on the shortlist, not even on the medium-long list. And I have to say that if nominated, I would’ve run, and if elected, I would’ve served. But I wasn’t and I didn’t, and I wasn’t and I didn’t, and grapes aside, I’m talking now as a civilian. Jane Viewer.

It’s not that the show’s cheesy—I love cheese. I was raised on Miss Universe Pageants, allowed to stay up late one night a year to marvel at the fact that wherever you go on this earth, there’s a girl who is five feet ten inches tall, one hundred eighteen pounds, and thinks it’s normal to wear high heels with swimsuits. The problem with the Oscars is, it’s not cheesy enough. You wait for someone to show up wasted, dress badly, get booed, dance with Snow White or send in a Native American, but how often does it happen? Not often enough. And these days, it’s guaranteed to happen when I’m putting the kids to bed.

So then you’re left sitting through the worthy, the weepy, and the windbags (which would’ve been me if I’d ever won) and the occasional Class Act or Killingly Funny Moment or Absolutely Fabulous Gown, all of which you can catch on the eleven o’clock news.

Throw in the “Ladies and Gentlemen, the 79th Annual Academy Awards!” announcer, as though The Lord Himself is about to pop out of a limo, and you’ve got me reaching for the remote. I went once to an Oscar party, when I first moved to L.A. but I’d just put in a long day in the soaps, and I fell asleep.

Since then I’ve had three invitations to go to the Oscars but I’d rather spend those ten hours at the DMV. Unless you’re nominated or a presenter, you’re an extra. And being an extra is not A. fun, B. easy, C. progress on the road toward stardom, or D. a good idea for anyone whose self-esteem is not rock solid. I did go to the Grammys one year, as the date of a guy who was nominated for Best Music Video Director and that was a good time, because, frankly, I was in love with him. But it was also a long, long day. It was more like a month. If you think those shows go on forever on the tube, you should be part of the unedited version. It’s like being stuck in someone’s first draft, wearing uncomfortable shoes and holding in your stomach, praying for it to end, but the end is followed by another three hours in completely stopped traffic, where you hallucinate about being home and in jammies. You think you’d wind up saying, “Yeah, but on my way to the bathroom I bumped into Carlos Santana, which made it all worthwhile” but in fact, Elvis could’ve resurrected in the stall next to me and I wouldn’t have cared.

And living in L.A., it’s not like I can ignore Oscar Season, anymore than you can ignore Christmas if you work in the mall, or the Nebraska-Oklahoma football game if you grow up in Lincoln.

Of course, in the end, all this bitterness—you know what it’s really about, right?

They snubbed Casino Royale. Yeah, I heard Blond Bond was presenting, but I couldn’t watch. He was robbed.

So: who won?

Happy Monday!


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The Departed deserved to win.

I saw it yesterday afternoon, just in time, and it is a masterpiece. I cannot figure out how they picked Wahlberg as the acting nominee, when both DiCaprio and Baldwin owned every scene they were in.

I'm not going to say this movie is on the same level as The Godfather, but I will put it up there with Goodfellas. If you're a movie buff, this one is a must-see.

And, um - brace yourself ladies - Blond Bond is a brunette, at least as of last night. Not that he didn't look smashing in that tux. He did.

But I'll stick with my boy Leo, who had me at Gilbert Grape.

Got to go with Harley on this one. Daniel Craig should have at least gotten nominated. The ones that really irritated me were Ben Affleck and Diane Lane in HOLLYWOODLAND. *Both* of them should have won for that film. Not even nominated.

But then, the Academy didn't ask me. As usual. Dammit.

Have to get this off my chest: one night a year, can't Phillip Seymour Hoffman wash his hair?

OK, love Scorsese, and he's been robbed repeatedly in the past for some of the finest films ever made, but I totally disagree with Kathy. I thought The Departed was brilliantly acted, but overall so sloppily written as to verge on incoherent. Each and every one of my blog sisters does better, cleaner work than that, and both The Queen and Little Miss Sunshine were better films.

Most robbed movie -- Children of Men.

Cutest guy -- Clive.

Best dressed -- Gwyneth. (I know, I was shocked too!)

Most moving -- Forest Whitaker.

Least washed -- Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Funniest -- Jerry Seinfeld. That was the first time I have ever regretted that Seinfeld is off the air.

Hard as it is to imagine, but I must confess Cate Blanchett is coming very close to wearing the crown held for so many years by Diana Rigg. She's not quite there, but it's close...

Easy answer to why Marky-Mark got nominated over those others: he is (that would be bold if I could do it) "Entourage," and everyone wants to be on that.

There's something about the Oscars that really rubs me the wrong way. I think it's the country's obsession with anything on a screen. And then our detailed examination of these actors' lives.
Not that I'm above it all - hey, I have a People subscription. (Extremely necessary for work, Mr. IRS) and I manage to flip through the tabloids while in line at the grocery store. Don't even try to tell me about Britney - I know everything.

So maybe I'm just overloaded. But, gee, I'd love to see a three-hour book award program. Or, wait, maybe not.

Yes, Sarah, with Jane Smiley in the Nicole Kidman "I'm Tall" gowns
. . .

I'm with Kathy in loving THE DEPARTED but I also adored Marky Mark in that movie, so there you go . . .

The only thing I decided last night was that I have to see Pan's Labyrinth AND The Queen(love Helen Mirren anyway). I was rooting for Little Miss Sunshine, but was happiest to see Forrest Whitaker win for what had to be the most difficult portrayal.(Making Darth vader likeable would have been a weak second to Whitaker's work as Idi Amin) He's also paid his dues, on both sides of the camera. That was the best moment for me :o)

Did anyone think Ellen Degeneres needed a better tux-maker?

Ellen DeGenes would have kept me awake last night, but this is the first Oscar telecast that I totally missed for the first time in 31 years.

Besides being my birthday, I woke up with a sore throat that has turned into coughing spasm. I guess that is progress.

Given that I am watching post Oscar coverage as i wrtie this - I can fantaize attending the ceremony and having coughing spasm as the BEST Achievement in Sound award in given.

I'm so behind the times these days that I had to ask my daughter about most of the movies (and the actors therein) that were nominated this year. And I was having too much fun watching Iron Chef to remember that the Gold Guy was doing his thing elsewhere. But I fell asleep before it was over -- did Lynn beat Bobby?

I'm with Harley. I can't watch the Oscars. The next day, when everyone talks about the gowns and the winners, I feel like the kid who didn't go to the prom. But the Academy's choices are so blindingly unfair, I don't even want to see the spectacle.

Cinema Dave not watching the Oscars? Is the sky falling?

happy birthday, C. Dave!

I love movies. Any movies. I can watch four a day. That's probably why I made it thru the too long show and 2 hr aftershow.I am passionate about some. There are others that I "need" at certain times in my life.

My Mosts............
Brilliant speech---Forrest Whitaker....every writer should look this one up today.

Funniest line...."..without Blacks, Jews and Gays, there would be no film industry"....laughing....."and no one named Oscar." Ellen...who was great.

Funniest presenter....right Michele...Seinfeld.

Innovation....montage of models in realife costumes....hated the winner tho'

Disappointment.....hoped Little Miss Sunshine" would have a moment in the sun over corporate rivals.

Touching...Melissa Etheridge's kiss

Educational....montage of foreign films....I'm on the horn to the Classic Video store

Best built gown.....helen Mirren...from her lips

New information....Meryl Streep's a size 14

Annoying all night.....the "reading"....from Joan's red carpet ??? to the acceptance speeches....I want tears and gushing and extemp

Cleverest....Philobilus imagery

Technical genius....Speilberg taking a My Space shot of DeGenerous and Clint

Although I might have to give up some movie-watching to work for Al Gore....Harley, Did Tipper get some work done now that they live in LA?....not above a bit of meow

Mary Alice

Happy Birthday, Cinema Dave!

Sorry you're not feeling well - you must have been REALLY sick to miss the Oscars.

Feel better soon.

How old are you?

Post-Oscar observations:

I really really thought Helen Mirren was going to say, "God Save the Queen" when she held up the trophy.

I loved it when Meryl Streep (Size 14?) gave those two girls The Look. Hysterical.

Will Smith's wife was scary. I'm actually afraid to write her name here, hence the "wife".

Blond Bond is a Blond. He may have temporarily altered his Blondness for a role, but he is a Blond, and I don't want to hear any more about it. That means you, Kathy Sweeney.

Having once discussed Signs, did y'all know that the Little Miss Sunshine kid was the same girl who played Mel Gibson's daughter, Bo? Her grandparents live in Lancaster, Pa. and they were very very proud in the many local interviews they gave on Sunday.

Yes, Mary Alice, Tipper and I are like this [insert image of entwined fingers] and naturally everyone in L.A. knows everyone else's plastic surgery history. However, we all sign waivers the minute we apply for a drivers license, promising not to talk about it to people from, e.g., Pennsylvania. Sorry.

Ramona - gotcha. Might have just been my new HDTV. The colors can get screwed up.

Harley - funny, we do the same thing here, except it's about Groundhog Day. Oh, and football champions.

I loved the film clips about writers.--All those unhappy people ripping pages from their typewriters and crumpling them up. Do you suppose YouTube has it?

Mary Alice and Harley,
You should know how to use the Internets. Just Google "Tipper Gore" and "Plastic Surgery," both with quotes, and the first hit was a Edward Campion's Blog, referring to some doctor in NYC who is a doctor of the stars, or something like that. If it is on the Internets, it must be true.

On the other hand, I just Googled "Harley Jane Kozak" and Nude Photos, and I got 868 hits. Some are about Parenthood, one was about when she went to see Miss Congeniality 2 with a reporter, gosh knows about the rest. I'm at work, after all.

Yeah, my husband TiVo'd that and made me watch it after the fact. I loved it. Had that whole "you are not alone" subtext for writers everywhere.

Weird; I read this site every day, but this internet thing sure is a small world. I'm sure he was joking, but at least get his name right: I think you mean Edward Champion.

My brother.

Let me clarify: what my husband made me watch was the Oscar thing Nancy referred to, and not the porn site (of "me") that Josh referred to.

Uh, Josh? What kind of work is it that you do, exactly?

I didn't refer to a porn site. A bunch of hits are about "Parenthood," since I think a character (Joaquin Phoenix?) was found with dirty pictures. Not the sweet girl who was your daughter who you were going to abandon for No Good Reason. The other hit I referred to was someone interviewing you in San Francisco, and the setting was when you went to see a matinee of "Miss Congeniality 2." Or it was a movie review that he did while he was interviewing you.

A year or so ago you wrote that you had heard there were topless photos of you on the Internet. I found someplace that claimed to have them, but it was a pay site, and I wasn't willing to pay to see something that I was led to understand wasn't there anyway.

Oh, Josh. And here I thought we were friends.

How much were they asking?

No idea. It was some celebrity nudity site, and I would get you and other celebrities who, presumably, did not have effective C&D letters.

Maybe this evening I will do the research at home and email you the URL's. It'll be fun.

Is that a Cease and Desist letter? Do people really pay attention to those? Because my husband had a case with an actress who used to be on Star Trek, being the subject of strange sites using her without her permission and saying all sorts of strange stuff about her, but there's not much the law does in this situtation. It gets into 1st amendment stuff and public figures, etc.

Sorry, that was a completely incoherent comment, but my mind's disintegrating. Barely enough brains left to do carpool.

OK, now I'm scared. Because Harleys' comment made perfectly good sense to me. So if her brains are disintegrating, and I understood her, does that mean mine are, too?

Meryl Streep's a size 14? That's too cool. Um, anyone know how tall she is?

Kerry, Meryl Streep is 5'6".

I got that from the Internet, so it must be 100% accurate. However, I don't know if there are any nude photos of Meryl. Josh seems to be the expert in that area.

I got totally confused after the Edward Campion/Champion posts. Does that mean my mind is NOT disintegrating?

Thanks for the good birthday wishes Harley and Rebecca. As for my age, I am old enough to know better!

I just injested an entire garlic clove, so I think I am on the mend for my Dad's birthday tomorrow!

If I feel good enough, I leave for Orlando Wednesday in search of locations where "Parenthood" was filmed.

There must be something in the air this year because I didn't watch the Oscars either. Actually I found that watching the Independent Spirit Awards is a lot more fun. It's casual, everyone seems more relaxed and they have this hilarious tradition of having actors/celebrities sing songs that summarize the plot of the movies up for best picture. The songs are ones you usually recognize but the words have been changed. Harley have you ever attended that awards show? If so spill.

Yes, Cease and Desist, and I know that I obey them when I get them and I get results when I send them. On the other hand, I'm not in the sort of business where I'm posting all sorts of bad or untruthful things about Star Trek actresses. I know that Nicelle Nicols was invovled with Gene Roddenberry, and then there was that Yeoman who I think was on Here Come the Brides, with Jeremy, Josh, and I don't recall the third one. Bobby Sherman?

Sorry, Mary-Frances. I'm just not that independent, I guess. Or spirited enough, maybe. I will watch it, though, on your recommendation.

I've always really liked the word "yeoman."

Checked last night, and didn't find anything worth paying for. Apparently some slipped nipples or something in a movie and in an HBO show. No big deal.

OTOH, on Youtube saw some video of Mary Duvall dying and Mason weeping, and some video of Annabelle. Where do people get this stuff?

We always used to say that the cute guy who accompanied Kirk and Spock when they beamed down to a hostile planet was called "Yeoman Expendable."

Absolutely, Michele. Kirk would say, "Spock, Bones... Ensign Smith (insert dramatic music). You knew Smith's minutes were numbered....

Yeoman Expendable! I love this so much. May I borrow that for my next book?

Hallucinations are something that many people seek, maybe a way to leave this reality for a while, maybe for religious purpose, or just to get a nice ride. I think the most common way to do it is by consuming LSD.

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