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February 18, 2007

Got Milk?

Got Milk?

By Rebecca the Bookseller

Remember Murphy Brown? What a great show, and the scenes where Murphy gives birth are classic. One of my favorite lines of all time is when she's complaining to Frank about nursing. "What next?!" she shreiks, "Is bacon going to shoot out of my elbow?!".

Gentlemen, you may be excused at this point, since this subject, unlike most of mine, is something only women will understand.

I've got milk.

No, I am not pregnant, and I never will be again, or my OB/GYN willl need to put his malpractice carrier on notice. So why is it that I found myself in a Bun in the Oven store, or whatever they're called, buying those nursing pads? Who the hell knows. Maybe I was a wet nurse in a previous life. Like Mammy - the brains of the operation that was Tara.

This has happened to me before - like when one of my sisters had a baby and I spent time with him or her. But my youngest niece is already 4, so what gives?

This crap is out of the clear freaking blue sky.

They think it's some kind of menopausal hormonal surge. No shit. As if the hot flashes, insomnia, and yo-yo of a drive wasn't enough. Do they have a clue why? No they do not. And why don't they have a clue? Because there is not a penis attached to the problem. Don't start with me, any of you - you know it's the truth.

If you're going bald, boys, you've got choices out the wazoo. Can't keep it up like you used to? Take your pick - the one-nighter, the all-nighter, the weekender package with complimentary warming oils. Prostate cancer? Fabulous treatment options including nuclear implants, no less, AND a free lifetime prescription for the ED drug of your choice and six months of Golf Digest.

Girl stuff? Not so much. Face it, we haven't made much progress since the tampon was invented in the Fifth Century, B.C. by the ancient Greeks, although the Egyptians may have been using them before that. When I need a source, and Hippocrates has a citation, I generally go with that one. I'll even give you progress in 1929, when the modern tampon (with applicator) was first invented and patented by Doctor Earle Haas. He later trademarked the product as Tampax. Since then? Not much. And don't give me the crap about the 45,000 different sizes of pads. Who cares? I'm talking real progress, not cuter ways to deal with it.

The good news is that I may have a new career path to consider - like the circus or something. Or maybe some rich family with a genetic calcium deficiency. Margie even offered to be my agent, but I'm not sure what that was all about. When it comes to Margie, I tend to smile and nod while leaving the room as quickly as possible.

So I know it's a lot to ask - but would anyone else like to share their story? I'll bring cookies.

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Comments

Rebecca - you know, when you tell guys not to read stuff, it just makes them want to read it.

I'm not even going to pretend I understand this one.

But the free subscription to Golf Digest is marketing genius.

It's not just you, Rebecca.

That happened to my sister and they finally figured out it had something to do with her thyroid and a hormonal imbalance.

Sorry about your problem, but thanks for the laughs!

Oh - and trust Margie. There is money there. And that is all I'm going to say about it.

I'm a mystery writer, so I'm immediately thinking of various ways this situation could be put to good use. I wonder if ANS's baby needs a wet nurse? And if there's a chance you could request a share of her supposed fortune for doing it?


Excuse, I stumbled in by accident. Don't worry, I didn't hear anything. I'll be leaving now.

Thanks for inviting me yesterday.

Jim

Only you could make this situation funny.

As if things aren't complicated enough.

You are so right, though about the baldness thing. Why don't men just get that natural, whatever it is, looks better than fake?

Oh, I just read that last sentence. Never mind.

And women expect us to understand them?

The female body is a wonder, but man, you girls have got a lot of stuff going on.

And I feel kind of funny saying this to you, but did Margie mention how much money you're looking at here? Because I think you're talking yacht money, cuz.

I LOVED Murphy Brown, and if you haven't seen Boston Legal, you should. She is superb.

She can arch an eyebrow like no other woman since Bette Davis.

Wonder if Murphy is on DVD yet? Because that whole story arc about her pregnancy is fantastic.

Thanks for the support, everyone.

Nancy - yeah, that's what I need - more nutz in my life!

And how did I know the Men of the Blog would be tough enough to handle anything?

Rebecca, you have my sympathy. I don't know what else to say. I'm relieved to report that, in comparison to this, personal story-wise, I got nothing.

As for men going bald? I feel for the fellas on this one, choices or not. A young guy looking at his hair gradually disappearing--that's got to mess with your head at least a little bit.

Oh, and I didn't intend that bald/messing with your head thing as a really bad pun. I must learn to preview.

OK, I'm man enough to say that - like someone else said - do not ever blame us for not understanding women.

Ramona - I thought that was intentional.

I finally gave up the fight against the hair and started shaving my head several years ago. Some women love it, some don't. Either way, it's me now.

Ramona is right.

Maybe it's a biblical thing - like Sampson or something, but going bald is no fun.

I've been lucky so far, but my brother is already getting thin on top, and he is not happy.

Rebecca - I don't normally post comments, but I just wanted you to know that I will read anything you write. So don't think you need to warn us off just because we're men.

Rebecca I do feel for you. You asked for shared stories? I'm still fuming about the 23 hour hospital stay for a double radical mastectomy and being runshed home with 4 drainage tubes hanging out of where the boobs used to be and two pain blocks needled into my back. All of this to be monitored and drained every hour for pain and every four hours for drainage----by a husband who is supposed to be supportive and caring and not choking down shared pain. Now I ask, what man would be asked to look humiliated and endure such do-it-youself post-op healthcare?
My sense of humor's all that got me thru and sharing yours. Thanks, mary alice

I don't know...a blog about breast milk with the final line...I'll bring the cookies. All I could think about is milk and cookies...breast milk with cookies...YEWWW.

Has to be hormonal. Keep pressing your doc.

One of the reason there are drugs for men than women is that most of the medical research has historically been performed on men because of the concern of the female subject being pregnant and the drug having an adverse effect on the fetus. It has only been in the last 20 years or so that more females have been used and what they are finding is that the assumption that if a drug worked on a man, it would have the same effect on a woman. Nope. Wrong assumption.

But one of the interesting insurance things I've found is that insurance will pay for "the little blue pill", but many won't pay for female fertility problems.

And about Marge...She's scary with some of her money making schemes!

I'm just going to sit back, light a cigar, and look *very* closely at the crack in the ceiling.....

Mary Alice - you really are an inspiration. As a matter of fact, when I think about really bitching about this, I think of you. That was a total disgrace.

Cyndi - I hear you on the research issues, but still, you nailed it on the ED v. fertility issue. Ditto on Margie. That girl scares me sometimes.

Ramono - no apologies! I thought it was intentional too.

And to Phil - that is very sweet and I thank you.

The Men of this Blog never cease to amaze.

I dont understand the problem your Doc has. Does he or she not know about hormones? Does he or she not know of thyroid problems and hormones? Ovaries and hormones? That the mind can cause the body to over produce certain hormones? Tramatic injuries can cause it to happen? That certain meds can cause hormone problems? God save me from doctors that shrug and say " Gee, I just dont know" Maybe that is why its called a pratice!

Well, Rebecca, I've never gotten into trouble keeping my mouth shut...:)

I have to echo a couple of other men - I will never understand women, and this is Exhibit A. I feel bad for you Rebecca, but have no idea what to say.

So I'm going to follow the 'keep you mouth shut and stay out of trouble' train, which I find works the best when I'm clueless with women. If you wait long enough, they start talking again and it's easier to change the subject.

TLC is like a glimpse inside the secret room you girls live in.

I agree with Susan and Cyndi. If you're not getting answers from your doc, ask for a referral to an endicrinologist or other specialist.

There could be a simple answer if someone asks the right questions.

In the meantime - at least you've kept your sense of humor about it!

No disgrace, Rebecca. You hit at the underlying problem. Bitch on!
ma

Uggg. I've got nothing that compares to that one. I will say, though, that when I tried to go on the pill many years ago, it so thoroughly convinced my body that I was pregnant that I got morning sickness. Every morning, 4am, like clockwork, I was puking my guts up. So then came all the attempts to fix it.

"Let's try this version instead."

"Nope."

"How about this one?"

"Nope."

"Surely this one won't make you sick, it BARELY has enough hormones to keep you from getting pregnant."

THEN WHY WOULD I TAKE IT????

Mind you, I was still a flipping VIRGIN at the time. (I was a late bloomer.) It got to the point where I was going "sex can't possibly be worth this."

Naturally, as often happens when you are young and stupid, I was wrong.

Hope they can figure out what's going on with you!!

Hi everyone - great discussion - and my computer has gone down. I'm on my son's just to let you all know I didn't forget about you - but I don't know when I'll be back.

In the meantime, please - talk amongst yourselves.

And Laura - let's hear it for young and stupid and delightfully surprised!

Rebecca, I believe this is the Lord's way of telling you it's time to adopt a baby. I think the same thing happened to Madonna not so long ago.

Harley, I think this is a great idea! Rebecca could use a little more activity in her life. She's got a few more waking hours in the day to fill.

Homeopathic remedies are preferable to nuking the condition with hormones.

Mr. Rebecca could serve sage tea with black walnuts daily and administer a nightly massage. Or, some say, you could put cabbage in your bra. (I'm not making this up, ok I made up the part about the massage).

It's just a laugh riot around here at TLC.

Which is good, because at chez Rebecca, it's panic time. My Mac crashed. The advice from the tech at the helpline: Erase the hard drive and start over.

I don't think so. So tomorrow I'm headed to the Genius Bar. Which will become a real Bar if they can't fix it. I'm taking the Captain with me, just in case. Think good thoughts!

When I was leaking (profusely), I took matters into my own hands - I put super absorbent maxi pads into my bra. Since the backs are sticky, they stayed in place, and they held a lot more fluid than the nursing pads did. Try it out - it worked for me!

Sorry I missed the discussion on Sunday and Monday - but love your writing, Rebecca!
You gotta wonder sometimes if "the twins" are worth all of the crap associated with them! I guess most of us would say a resounding "yes". As for the comments regarding insurance coverage and disparity between men and women, can you say historical lack of insurance coverage for contraception!!!
Kudos to all of the brave men who added to the blog's discussion.

My life's been basically bland recently. I can't be bothered with anything recently. Pretty much nothing seems important. I've basically been doing nothing worth mentioning.

My mind is like an empty room. Nothing seems worth thinking about. More or less not much noteworthy happening worth mentioning, but it's not important. I guess it doesn't bother me. I've just been letting everything wash over me lately.

I feel like a fog, not that it matters. I've pretty much been doing nothing , but eh. Today was a loss. I haven't gotten much done for a while.

I can't be bothered with anything recently. I've just been sitting around doing nothing. Today was a loss. I just don't have much to say. Nothing seems worth thinking about.

Males should be allowed to go shirtless at home only - Or vary with places for another persuasive speech topic

We are killing the rainforest

Blame the parents of a murderer parents for the crime

Sex offenders should be, should not be castrated

Sex offenders should be, should not be castrated

Help the homeless down the street and persuade them to look for work

Help the homeless down the street and persuade them to look for work

An integrated, segregated society is better

More or less nothing seems worth doing. I've just been letting everything wash over me lately. I just don't have anything to say lately. Shrug. I can't be bothered with anything lately.

I've just been letting everything wash over me recently. So it goes. What can I say?

My mind is like a fog, not that it matters. I just don't have much to say these days. That's how it is. I haven't been up to anything recently.

Cheating Is, is not Unacceptable!

More or less nothing seems important. It's not important. Shrug. Whatever. I've just been hanging out doing nothing, but eh. I can't be bothered with anything lately.

Power to the people is, is not a good idea

Vanity is not a valid reason for cosmetic plastic surgery

The quality of education is, is not lower than 15 years ago

The change of our climate is, is not natural

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