Expensive Gift + Wife = Sex

By Sarah

For my birthday on Sunday, Charlie bought me the best present ever: a 1999 BMW M3 convertible in titanium silver with low mileage. It is exactly what a 44-year-old woman needs after a lifetime of driving practical Hondas (and perhaps a couple clunker VWs). It is super fast and super sexy. I've longed for a BMW convertible for years and, baby, this delivers.

There's really not much more to say about the M3 except that it's rear-wheel drive, which means I have to wait until the ice is gone to really take it out. Also, that I plan on making myself known to the police, if you get my drift, and that, apparently, I am to, in perpetuity, provide certain sexual favors in repayment. (Repayment?)

Which brings me to the heart of my blog, one which we women would do well to remember this holiday season and that is this - men operate on a very simple mathematical formula, an equation so fundamental that it rivals e=mc2. And should women not obey the laws of this physical theorem, the world, as we know it, will cease to exist.

Resolved: expensive gift + wife = guaranteed sex.

There is no deviation, no exception to this rule in men's minds. It is pure crystallized fact. It is why the diamond ad, "Tell Her You'd Say Yes All Over Again,"  decoded really means, "Tell Her Why She Has to Say Yes on Wednesday Night."

Your parents knew this. All those Christmases when Dad was surprising Mom with gold earrings or diamond tennis bracelets, perhaps (in the good ole days) a luxurious, supple mink, he and she both understood the ramifications inherent in her acceptance. In taking this gift, she ______ (mother's name here) agreed to provide to _________(father's name here) the act of sex and the derivations thereof at the times and places of his choosing, no questions asked. I don't have the exact wording since the original contract is very hard to find. I'm sure you can dig it up on the Internet.

Not that there's anything wrong with marital relations. Heavens! God invented them Himself, didn't He? What God has put together, let no Tiffany necklace tear asunder and all that. It's merely that I find this phenomenon so interesting because - and I might be wrong about this - I'm not sure it operates in the reverse.

Do women think: expensive gift + husband = guaranteed sex? Hmm. I'm guessing it's more like expensive gift + husband = man out of my hair. OR, in cases where a wife might be a little slick with the Visa, expensive gift + husband = Trip to Marital Counselor.

Now some so-called "feminists" might find the idea of material goods being traded and bartered for sex abhorrent. Whore being the key root word there. There is only one explanation for this reasoning. These women (and, to be fair, the few wimpy men who also call themselves feminists) are simply poor at math.

The thing is, while this formula is concrete in men's minds, a kind of happy rule they can count on in a frighteningly unpredictable world, they might do well to consider more affordable corollaries that also add up to guaranteed sex. Those being:

- doing the dishes without being asked

- listening to said wife discuss problems while simply nodding and not offering any advice, merely consoling hugs and tea.

- coming home with groceries and a fast and easy recipe for dinner that doesn't involve a) potato chips on tuna casserole or b) imaginative uses for beef jerky

- drawing her a bath, rubbing her back and discussing, seriously, what makes Mr. Darcy so hot.

Sure, these are a hell of a lot cheaper than foreign sports cars or diamond bracelets, but they require work and lots and lots of time. Time only men who call themselves feminists can spare. So, bring on the bling, boys. Pop out that credit card and follow your instincts. We don't care. Besides, we love you and we look so much prettier in sapphire earrings, don't you think? Or do you like the rubies?

As for Charlie? I'd like to point out that long before he bought the car, he had earned his "guaranteed sex status" by suffering through months of whining about my manuscript, by reading a first draft and  by discussing it all the way to Montreal for our birthday celebration. (That's right - we have the same birthday, a quirk border patrol found very amusing. In case anyone cares, I bought him a Barbour to replace an old one a girlfriend had given him 20 years ago and, no, I was not thinking sex except that I was glad he still wasn't having it with her.)

Happy Holidays!

Sarah

 

Comments

[Josh]

Corollary: It has to be a gift that she wants and doesn't think that you want. When I asked my wife this morning if I would be guaranteed sex if I got her a 1999 BMW M3 convertible, she told me, "no," because she doesn't want a 1999 BMW M3 convertible, or any convertible, and thinks, correctly, that I want a convertible (although not a German one).

I didn't ask what would guarantee me sex, because I thought that would be crass, and, if anything, crass is something I am not.

[William Simon]

It will be interesting to see if a new computer designed for digital photography will have the same result. Especially since it will be (hopefully) a complete surprise....

[sarahS]

Josh - It's very noble of you not to buy German. Unfortunately, being German, I cannot escape my own heritage and am called to its engineering.

But your wife is right. The gift has to be something SHE wants and not something YOU want because what You want is SEX.

So ends today's lesson.

[Laura (in PA)]

Works for me. In my case it was a red Saab convertible.

And that's why jewelry works, Josh. A woman is NEVER going to think it's something you want. My husband hates buying jewelry, because he thinks it's dumb. But when he does, I know he's really trying to please me, and not getting me something he thinks I SHOULD want.

Drawing me a bath and discussing Mr. Darcy? Not even in my dreams. I would be dragging him to the hospital to see if he had an aneurism.

[Nancy Martin]

So THAT'S why Jeff has been doing the dishes!

Welcome to the Silver Bullet club, Sarah. You understand now why I have my deadline in the spring.---My car doesn't function from December through March. So I might as well be at home writing a book.

[michele]

Sarah, men everywhere are thanking you for this blog. I read it, and swear to god my reaction was, "I get a lot of nice stuff. She's right. I ought to be putting out more." My second reaction was, "better not invite Sarah over. My husband might try to give her some of my jewelry."

[Suzanne]

Addendum: if man shops for me at Blockbuster video on Christmas Eve (true story), then…sex? What is sex?

Anyone else get really un-sexy gifts?

[Nancy Martin]

My husband is buying me a television for the kitchen. What's the message there, Suzanne??

[Cheryl]

I have a difficult time accepting nice things (thanks Mom) so sex for bling has never been a factor. I do just enjoy sex, so my poor husband really has to beat me off with a stick... ooh, that could sound really rude with the wrong type of people. Not that any of you are like that. He did just suggest that maybe I should buy him the BMW, just to see what happens.

I do have a friend that had an interesting arrangement with her husband. She could not change the litter box while she was pregnant, so if she swallowed, he would change the litter box. I haven't seen the "Love Is" cartoon for that one.

[Cheryl]

An important family rule has been if it plugs in, it is not a present, it is a useful item.

My brother-in-laws family tradition is to speed shop at the mall the final hours of Christmas Eve. How's that for a message.

[Harley]

I am simply stunned at the depth and wisdom of this blog and the ongoing comments.

The plug-in rule is excellent, but is it gender-sensitive? Because nothing pleases my husband more than a big old expensive TV with all the bells and whistles.

However: Nancy's kitchen TV, while an excellent gift (when else would I catch up on AMERICA'S BIGGEST LOSER if not while packing next day's school lunches?) does not merit sex.
Driving to the Pittsburgh airport to pick up your blog sisters whose flights are 12 hours late, however -- that merits sex.

[Harley]

In answer to Suzanne's question: My husband's brother once gave his wife -- a saint if there ever was one -- a rake for Mother's Day.

[sarahS]

Cheryl - that would have been humanly impossible for me as a pregnant woman.

Okay, to sum so far. Rakes do not = sex, nor do things that you want, but that you buy for your wife on the pretense she wants it. Power shopping on the last minute of Xmas eve - depends. What does he get?

Kitchen TV = a good snuggle.

New computer designed for digital photography? Hmm. That would be pretty good in my book

[Josh]

That plug-in rule has a corollary, too, and perhaps Margie could fill in the blank.

And I offered my guest room to Harley that night, not that that would get me anything from my wife.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Wow. A car as a gift. A great, in fact kickass car for a gift. Where I come from that means not just sex on demand, but sex while he is driving the thing.

Congrats Sarah - and mazeltov to Charlie as well.

As TLC readers know, this marks the closing of one of many circles in their marriage that started with the same kind of quid pro quo - although the stakes were higher than a mere pink slip.

[Margie]

I heard someone paged me.

Not to worry, Josh - and everyone else.

My Holiday Gift Buying Tips will be right here on Friday. And I already wrote it so don't think I copied from anyone here. Margie don't play that.

Come on - admit it - most of you weren't really going to shop until then anyway.

Oh - and William - that'll do it. Just get a separate memory stick for those, uh, special photos. My friend was at her sister's house on Sunday, and there, right after the Christmas Pageant pics, were a couple of choice shots that I'm sure the in-laws will be whispering about for years.

[Cheryl]

The plug in rule does pre-date a lot of the current cool technology that needs to be recharged (ipod, digital camera...) It started when I got a dremel, a very unsexy gift.

[charlie]

This equation Sarah poses? Never crossed my mind.

And what's this about Mr. Darcy, anyway? I buy a simple gift for my wife (following many years of not-too-subtle hints) and I become the object of heartless teasing. The Sainted Mr. Darcy (emotionally constipated git) engages in a whole series of not-too-subtle acts designed to deflower the fair Elizabeth and HE's a big heartthrob (not that I'm jealous of a fictional character or anything).

I tell you, life is unfair.

[Maryann]

Sarah :o) Happy belated birthday! Mine was Sunday as well, although I didn't get a car...just a plush bear, dinner and a concert. (Went to my sister's early Saturday and had a great time the entire weekend...even got to see an Elvis impersonator)
I am now staying the same age for the rest of my life :o) (Of course I still expect to be the giftee...after all, it's the day that should be celebrated,right?)

[William Simon]

Margie said: "Oh - and William - that'll do it. Just get a separate memory stick for those, uh, special photos."

Sorry, Margie. The Boss came in one day while I was in the shower, camera in hand, and I diplomatically pointed out it could have potentially disastrous consequences if I heard a click or saw a flash. What's sad about it is 20 years ago, I'd have flexed and posed and all that.....:)

[Cinema Dave]

I must change my altruistic way....hmmm...that is what I have been doing wrong all these years.

[Alex Adams]

Suzanne, the only thing a gift from Blockbusters will get him is a Poor Man's Special. One handed.

[sandieherron]

But no one has answered the really crucial question here. Did she, or didn't she? Care to answer Charlie?
Oh, and happy birthday to the both of yous.

[Cinema Dave]

Oh yea...Happy Birthdays!

[sharon kunkel]

My husband did not buy a gift for Birthday or Christmas or Take me to Dinner.
He had to work. Married only 3 years no kids.

[hewal cwjuai]

ypjevqtfo xfeaoq oylr cqkbxwem hvmplr lwhzrpbey dcugewb