Margie's Holiday Gift-Buying Tips

Margie’s Holiday Gift-Buying Tips

By me, Margie, who knows

Well, it’s the Friday before Christmas, so it’s almost time for most men to do their shopping. Yeah, yeah, there are those thoughtful few who have already found the perfect gift, but don’t kid yourself – they’re in the minority and they don’t have breakfast at your house.

So here are some tips from me – because I get gifts all the time and I know the good ones from the bad ones. Why do I get gifts? Oh, honey, if you have to ask, you need my help more than you think, so pay attention. There are seven of them because seven is a lucky number, and I hope these tips help you get lucky too.

1. If it plugs in, it’s not a good gift (for exceptions, see #7). Sorry, bubba – you might think that nifty toaster with those special inserts with the happy face or the BVM will really heat things up, but you are wrong. Ditto for blenders, sewing machines and – god help us – vacuum cleaners. If you need one of those things at your house, get it, but don’t try passing it off as a gift. Want to put yourself in a ditch it’ll take you six months to get out of? Get her anything that resembles a power tool. Then use it to cut your brain out – you’re not using it anyway.

2. If it’s not her size, you are in for a truckload of hurt, boy. “But I don’t know her size!” you say. Tough shit, Sherlock – go look in her closet or dresser or someplace where she actually keeps the clothes she wears, and look at the size. But not if the store tag is still on it. Don’t ask. Just listen. Duh. And that move with trying to pick up someone at the store (“Excuse me, you look like you wear the same size as my girlfriend”) is totally lame and stop doing it. Double Duh.

3. Anything in the ‘health and beauty’ aisle is off limits. She can buy her own damn nail polish and Q-tips. Yes, that includes the commando patches. We all know they’re fabulous, and the fact that she needs them at all is totally smokin’ but she can get them herself, ok? And listen, ace, don’t go telling people about what your woman does or does not wear; that is not cool; she will find out; and someone else will be getting the great view when her commando patches are on the dresser.

4. Thongs – buy at your own peril. First off, see #2. Secondly, not everyone likes stuff up in there. Some people hate it. You are not fooling anyone with the subliminal message either. If she says she’s not doing it, no kind of underwear is going to change her mind. You are not going to be her Starship Enterprise, my man. Move on.

5. Victoria’s Secret, Dottie’s Dungeon, etc. Most women love sexy lingerie. Not all women want to look like Charlie Sheen’s last appointment, you get me? Just because you think it looks great on the model (yes, I know all about the men’s night at the stores – did you think it was a secret? Where do you think those models come from?) doesn’t mean your special someone will like it. Oh – and look, pally, buying yourself some moronic underwear with a cute saying or a picture of a giant anaconda on the fly does NOT count as a gift for her. Like so many things in that area, what worked like a charm at 18 is no longer even amusing. And while we’re on the subject, man up and put away the high school trophies while you’re at it. That is just sad.

6. The gag gifts. Not that kind of gag, you perv. But really, that is the perfect gift for any occasion, and all you have to do is relax. Yeah we were talking about the kind of gifts you can wrap – I mean the funny ones. Anything you can buy at Spencer Gifts would qualify. One of these can be a barrel of laughs if it’s a side gift. Not the main gift, Chuckles. You and your lughead friends might think all those bodily function gifts are just the funniest thing ever. Great. Have a little gift exchange among yourselves and laugh yourselves silly. But do not be surprised if you end up going home earlier than you planned if you give that crap to your girl, you hear me? And unless you’re Furries, I’m going to advise that you take a pass on the Reindeer Pornaments at Spencers. No one wants to see a naked reindeer – and that ain’t Rudolph’s nose, capisce?

7. Toys. You knew I’d get your back on this one, baby. I could do a whole blog on toys alone, and maybe around V-Day, I will. For now a few simple rules to follow: First - if it makes enough noise to wake the dog, don’t buy it. Not everyone wants the whole building to know what you are doing, okay Romeo? Here’s a good one - unless you’ve already established a safe word, don’t go trying to surprise her with the B&D stuff. You might find your own ass in a sling, and that expression didn’t just pop up out of nowhere, savvy? Next -if you are willing to use it, get it. If you are thinking it would be totally hot for her to use it, but you are not getting anywhere near that action, don’t buy it. I know this crap seems obvious, but you’d be surprised at the stories we girls hear after New Years. And believe me, once you get on the Bad Toy Gifter list, you don’t get off. Seriously. Last but not least, if it is substantial enough to use as a doorstop, don’t buy it. You might think bigger is always better. You are wrong.

Merry Christmas to all and to all – a good night.

Comments

[JJ]

I laughed so loud I woke the rest of the house!

Margie, once again an award winning blog, and practical too.

Some people are going to get a copy of this anonymously - maybe I'll just take copies and hand them out tonight at the mall. Yes, I'm one of the guilty who hasn't started yet. But now, it'll be so much easier. I'm heading to Victoria's Secret to find out if I missed the Men's Night. After I go to Spencer Gifts.

[John]

Um... what's a commando patch?

[Nancy Martin]

Now I know why you took off the day of Men's Night at Victoria's Secret for that manicure and pedicure and whatever else you had done at the House of Beauty, and I am not asking for details. Did they pay you to model over there, or did you just do it to meet---oh, nevermind.

[Josh]

My wife doesn't like the fit of Victoria's Secret stuff, even regular PJ's, so I can't get her anything there. Twice returning things embarrassedly over the years is enough.

My secretary, on the other hand, really likes VS, but I have been told by others that getting her anything from there (i.e., a gift card) could be considered 1) harassing, and 2) otherwise inappropriate. Still might do it, though. It's not as if she would be interested in me for a $25 gift card, and keeping secrets is not among my strong suits. Maybe I'll can get her something novelty when I go to Condom Kingdom (http://philadelphia.citysearch.com/profile/8991246/philadelphia_pa/condom_kingdom.html) tomorrow. That'll go over big, I'm sure. Maybe I can even get my wife something there, too, preferably with a remote control , so that I can have some fun, too.

[ramona]

Someone please answer John's question. I don't know either, and no way do I want to Google that.

[Cheryl]

Great post. Thanks for the laugh.

I've already learned something today and it is not even 7 a.m. Never heard of the commando patch, but what a concept. I did the yahoo search, imagine taking a feminine hygiene pad and sticking it to your pants sans undies. Voila. Here's the link:

http://gocommandos.com/html/commandos_home.htm

Interesting site, not every business can use the word "coochie" while sharing their mission non-violence.

Tip for the last minute fellas- my husband went out yesterday and was blown away by the sale prices on cashmere sweaters at Macy's. Yes, I walked him towards the sweaters, pointed out necklines, gave color tips then walked away. But, I have a really high chance of liking my gift.

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

Great blog, Margie. Commando patches -- who knew? Josh, you must work in a different world than mine if you can even contemplate giving your secretary a VS gift card. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, so I'm going to opt for the former and let it give me hope that some workplaces are still sane and healthy for all concerned.

Me, I'm blessed with a husband who is both a thoughtful and creative giver-of-gifts; after 15 years together, I can count on the perfect combination of thoughtful, ridiculous, sweet, meaningful, and romantic presents. And that's not even counting himself :)

[William Simon]

Margie, dammit, you owe me a new monitor....AGAIN! Since there are Commando Patches, is there some sort of protection one can get to protect a monitor screen from spraying coffee? Or maybe I should just learn my lesson and NOT have coffee nearby when Margie's on a rip...:)

I found the absolute perfect "prank" gift yesterday at CVS. A fancy Christmas bag...and three lumps of coal (plastic). That's what will be under the tree Christmas Morn. Not to worry, the new digital photography computer and books and lenses and filters and add-ons will be stashed in The Boss's office as a surprise. (Which I doubt will be a REAL surprise, but hey, a guy's got to try! I'm also definitely listing Best Buy as a dependent on my tax returns this year.) Due to other considerations, I was forced to go pick up the computer Sunday. When asked where I was going, I turned with a perfectly straight face and said "I'm meeting a woman for coffee, see if she's worth having an affair with." When The Boss finished laughing, I asked "What? It couldn't happen?" Still giggling, she explained that she knew me just a bit too well to fall for that.... I couldn't decide if I was flattered or pissed. I went with flattered.....:)

[Maryann]

Thanks Margie...giving this to the husband, who asked me at 7AM what I wanted for Christmas. Told him a gift card to Macys :o)One year I got a Homedics chair massage (which as it turns out was not a bad thing but not my first choice)so a gift card is one way I can pick out my own present. As I said before, he is not a shopper unless it's at Home Depot or Farm and Fleet so...
Have a great holiday everyone!

[beachfla]

What would we do without you, Margie?! You have a handle on the pulse of America! I must confess I've also never heard of the commando patches. I thought they were probably something those beauty pageant contestants wear...
Thanks for the sweater sales tip, Cheryl. I may have to run over to Macy's on my lunch hour today and check them out!

[Baltimore Jack]

Any questions about my gender were answered yesterday. Started shopping at 2:30 finished at 4:30. Violated all the rules but that's the secret. QUANTITY! Just buy lots of stuff. You're sure to be right on at least one of them and she'll have a blast at the malls the next day exchanging everything else. No time to be cheap ($150 for a bottle of "Angel" - Sheesh!) if you wanted a bargain you should have started shopping last month. Happy holidays (all of them not just Christmas) to all.

[Mary Alice Gorman]

Ah, this is the interesting time in retail! Favorite last minute gifts this year??? Snowman poop, Snowman Balls in boxes, Global Warming Mug, Molten Chocolate Cake, Black Cat slippers, Queen of Everything puzzle,Bubbles All the Way, Food Play and Blue 2 @ www.mysterylovers.com.
Have a happy, y'all.
Margie's favorite book store

[Margie]

Hello all!

As usual, I am the only one working today. Why are people calling? Don't they have shopping to do?

I'll be back later - thanks Cheryl for posting the Commando Patches site. You people need to try to keep up.

I am very proud of our menfolk here - great gifts. Except you Josh - did you decide not to give her that book on, uh, ancient Asian exercises? I thought we'd already covered this...

[Solon]

"Oops!" Margie, I may have made a gift Faux Pas! My Xmas gifts for my better half are a Red Sequined Bra with Matching panties (is that too Charlie Sheenish?) and a Waffle Iron. I guess I'll be getting coal in my stocking......

[sarahS]

All I have to say is, by working do you mean sneaking out back with Brad the UPS deliverer? 'Cause I know it definitely is a "job," though maybe not for you, hon.

And don't deny it. UPS and FedEx have been by three times this morning and, swift boats that they are, forgot to leave so much as an envelope. Or did you stuff those in your bra already....

....Sarah, who is just down the hall.

[Margie]

Oh. Hi Sarah. You've been so quiet that I didn't realize you were here. Want some chocolate lollipops? They're those shapes I brought back from Daytona that you liked.

UPS and FedEx just stop in to see if we have anything to send out. No other reason, really.

[Harley]

Yesterday I learned what the glue gun is for. Today, Commando Patches. God bless my blog sisters.

Okay, my husband has just announced he's gotta go in to work today after all. Oh: and he hasn't started shopping yet. But what's the rush? he asks.

Happily, he has other good qualities.

[Josh]

Margie, are you talking about the stuff from the AEE (www.adultentertainmentexpo.com) website that I sent you to a couple of days ago? Note--the place where I found it says NSFW, and since I didn't go there, I don't know what that means. From the two-liners on my Google search page, it looks like the height of Roman Empire debauchery.

[Margie]

No - I'm talking about that special book I ordered for you from Hong Kong - you know, the one that caused the NSA to check the package?

I sure hope you didn't hide that sucker somewhere and then forgot about it, because if your son finds it, your wife is going to kill you.

Haven't had time to check out your latest recommendation. Maybe later, after Sarah goes home. They kind of freak if they walk by my computer and see stuff they can't identify right away.

[Buzz]

I so have to return some small appliances and do some shopping. When does Mystery Lovers close? Peace All.

[beachfla]

Buzz, I hear a non-electric jeweled razor always makes a nice gift for the lady. What say you Margie?

[Mary Alice Gorman]

Mysterylovers.com never closes but the store itself is open until 8 tonight ans 10 to 5 tomorrow.

According to CNNmoney, 33 million people still have not started shopping! Wow----that could keep us operating for a long time!

mary alice