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December 08, 2006

Margie's Holiday Dating Tips

Margie’s Holiday Dating Tips

By me, Margie, who has lots of them.

Well, its that time of year where everybody needs a date for some damn thing. Office parties; Aunt Bertha’s annual buffet/embarrass the single people extravaganza; and the mother of all date nightmares – New Years’ Eve.

First off, the Aunt Bertha shindig. You know she’s going to try to embarrass you by asking when you’re going to get married/settle down/have babies/limit yourself to one man at a time. Not that she knows – she’s just fishing, so don’t give her any more ammo. If she gets your Nana involved, it’ll be a big mess so just nod and smile and keep your yapper shut. Especially about the threesomes. There is just no way your grandma is going to get that. Ever. If the nod and the smile don’t work, you may have to take out the big guns. Here’s an award winner from my cousin Patty. It was Thanksgiving. Both Aunt Bertha and Aunt Beatrice (the twin terrors) had been badgering Patty all evening. She stayed nice and quiet (for once), but they just wouldn’t let it go. So they asked one too many times – right at the table with everybody listening: “Patty, honey, when are you finally going to pick one man and stick with him?” Patty says (still trying, but grinding her teeth): “You know, that’s none of your business.” The Aunts: “Of course it is, honey, we’re family. Everything is our business.” Uh-oh. You know what’s coming right? So did I, so I got up to drag Patty away from the table, but not before she lets loose with this: “So, Aunt B – you won’t mind telling us when you had your last orgasm.” Whoa. Those weren’t her exact words either. I love that girl. Took her right to the neighborhood bar for beer and pumpkin pie. It’s all good. Oh – the dating tip for these things: Don’t. Just don’t. Unless you’re trying to dump someone. Then you won’t have to – they’ll run screaming into the night.

For the office party, take someone nice who won’t get hammered and break stuff, or heaven forbid try to pick up one of the bosses. This year I am taking my gay friend Dick, since all my bosses are women. Plus Dick is getting manscaped that day and he’ll still be pretty mellow from all the meds. You never want to take anyone really hot to the office party. A couple too many drinks, and you’re looking for an empty office with a lock, or a closet and if you knock over one of those supply shelves, it makes a big racket and people come looking to see what happened. Not that I would really know, I’m just guessing because I think I read that somewhere. Or worse, some bimbo hits on your hot date, and then you have to decide whether to apply a simple bitch-slap or drag the tramp outside to leave a real mark. Once again, people ask questions, cops can be called, and what if they’re cops you don’t know and you have to get ID out of your purse and other stuff falls out and – it’s just not worth it.

Now, the big kahuna. New Years’ Eve. This is only an issue if you’re not already dating someone. And you know this, but I’m going to remind you anyway – now is not the time to start dating someone marginal just to have guaranteed holiday dates. That is just bad karma. What if the guy decides you’re The One and he tells you that it’s just the two of you going out to a movie but then he takes you to his mother’s house for some fancy dinner and the next thing you know he’s on one friggin knee, and his aunts are all teary-eyed and you have to pretend you just had an allergic reaction to whatever you just ate so you can get the hell out without making the guy look like a total goon in front of his family and it’s really not something you want to do, okay?

So if you’re not dating anyone, and you know not to make the stretch for someone you wouldn’t normally date because I just told you not to, now what? You get your single friends and you plan something. Pick a bar and plan to meet there. Or go to someone’s house. Or chip in for a limo and go on a pub crawl. But you’d better call for that limo now. Because I just called and got the last white one. I like white because it’s easier not to run into at night. That hurts and can leave a bruise that you can’t figure out for awhile.

See, that sounds fun – except for the bruising part, unless, you know, that’s your thing, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Here’s what is not fun – spending five or six hours with a bad date, even with the beer goggles. This is not – I mean not – the night for a blind date or a first date, or even a second date. Too much time involved – it’s like a death march. Don’t chance it. Trust me on this.

And the most important thing – don’t forget to pick up the safety nets. Keep your boys and girls in their own house. The new Spray-On condoms? No way. Zero. Let some other wiggler try that out. Because unless it’s plumber’s caulk, that stuff isn’t sealing anything you need it to seal. Let’s be careful out there. No one wants to spend January in a panic.

Anyone else have anything to add?

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Well, Margie, you've done it again. One day, I'm sending you a bill for all the coffee I've had to clean off my monitor...:) (Just as an aside, laughing so hard hot coffee blows out of your nose is an ugly, ugly thing...)

Same rules apply to Men. Don't get stupid. Don't act dumb (hey, it COULD happen). Stay sober at all times; no one wants to wake up in Las Vegas next to the secretary you met two nights ago in Houston, and see her gazing adoringly at you while you try and figure out just what is that thing on her third finger, left hand? And why is the room spinning like a roulette wheel? And how come the only matches in the room are from the "Little Chapel of the West"? Major Bad Karma on that one, Jack.

For the rest of us? Fresh batteries.

I have something to add, Margie, my dahling:


You can't just mention spray-on condoms, you must give the full explanation. Though the vulcanization process is a mystery to me. Is that how Mr. Spock got the pointy ears?

Some general advice: Any guy who'd actually use a spray on condom, might not be the ideal holiday party date. I'm just saying.

Margie Baby

You are spot on about New Year's Eve dating. Definitely get a Limo for a New Years eve Pub Crawl. When I lived in Spain we would do exactly that. Well not exactly. There were no limos in Rota, Spain. So, we drove ourselves around in an orange Seat (See - ot) 850. An orange Seat 850 looks more like a Clown Car than a limo, especially when it's got eight sailors crammed inside.

So Margie, as Lou Rawls would say, "What are you doing New Year's ?"

Damn Margie I have missed you. You should have your own show - like Dr. Phil only interesting.

I'm all for the limo. New Years is like St. Pats. Amateur night.

I may use that Thanksgiving line with my cousins this year. They all keep having kids and I stopped bringing dates years ago.

Spray on condoms? How do you get them off? Margie - we need to conduct a clinical trial on that.

Margie, I think you found a bunch of dates for New Year's Eve right here at TLC. Maybe even a soul mate or two.

And the office party? If you bring that spray-on condom stuff as a party favor, you are definitely getting locked in the closet. By yourself!

Good morning. Man, you people get up early.

Nancy - get real. They're not even on the market yet. And don't act like you didn't take home last year's party favor and try it out.

William, Josh, Solon and JJ - great to see you here - thanks for stopping by and for the additional advice.

New Years' Eve? My girls and I have a limo. Too early to call anything else, other than the new red shoes I found on sale last weekend.

Ramona - thanks for the back-up. I still have a bunch of questions - like JJ says - how do you un-vulcanize it or whatever?

Margie, I do not know.

Part of me thinks, any man brave enough to undergo the vulcanization process deserves insatiable, super-model sex. The other part of me thinks, any man desperate enough to undergo the vulcanization process deserves...whatever happens to him.

Any tips on how to find a date that meets these criterea before the holiday office shindig in TWO DAYS!?

Wait, that punctuation makes me look far more desperate than I really am...

Word Nerd - Ask a gay friend. Or, if you don't have any gay friends - make some. Ask at your salon. They know everything at the neighborhood salon.

Office parties are tough - because if you work in a really stuffy office, you could really screw things up if you bring the wrong person. Like that cute bartender or UPS person who seems so nice might turn out to be a rabid Amway seller or Scientologist. That would be bad.

Better to go alone - plus if it's catered, you could meet someone. We all remember not to pick up someone from work at the office party, right? Even a dog knows you don't shit where you eat, people.

Ramona, the woman who trusts a spray-on condom deserves whatever happens to her, too. I mean, could you ever assume it's doing its job and relax?

Margie, glad you're back! Inquiring minds want to know what you were up to posting your blog at 3:45 a.m.? Started that New Year's Eve partying early? You inspire...

Margie, I can't emphasize enough to not be the drunk date at an office holiday party, the three days of silence after my mother discovered Irish coffees at my dad's office party were brutal.

Does the spray-on also give a Brazilian with any stray hairs? Ouch.

Another great Friday blog. Thanks for the laughs.

For New Years we started going to a bar within walking distance. A bunch of us meet there - whoever is around - and do karaoke and dance. No big romantic date, but a lot of fun.

I was lucky enough to get invited to the TLC holiday party last year, and let me tell you, Margie rules. This girl knows how to have fun. And the outfit! How are you gonna top it this year, Margie?


Eight sailors in a Spanish clown car meet up with Margie and Andy Dick for a holiday office party...I smell a Fox Family Christmas special, brought to you by Budweiser and Popiel's "Hair Replacement Spray and Masculine Prophylactic" including a free bottle of Remover and 000-Grade steel wool pad, a $19.95 value, yours free, just for ordering now.

HAH! Buzz - you are a genius! Just substitute George Clooney for Andy Dick and I'll work for scale on that project!

Michele - don't know yet, but it's going to include boots, I think. Wait until you see the party games we're playing this year. Wear something, uh, flexible.

Kim - good plan - walking is good. Did you know you can get a DUI on a bicycle? Yeah. Just ask my brother.

Cheryl - crap - that had to have been bad. That's another good office party rule - never try a new drink.

Beachfla - funny - you can set these things ahead of time. Believe me, if I'm up at 3 am, it's not to write stuff.

And to those of you who e-mailed me - no, that is not my photo and that is not Steve, either. And no, I'm still not sending you one.

Good News Margie,

Knowing that you're on-board was all he needed for the big green one from Fox. Solon pitched his Christmas Special to them and, of course, they're deleriously enthusiastic. George Clooney's in! so's Danny DeVito! They play two of the funny sailors who emerge from the Santa Claus-red "Seat 850" surprising everyone, except Margie. Later, in the copy-room everyone, including Santa Claus who's performed with masterful understatment by Andy, plays Twister for money, but Margie and Danny get stuck.

By the way, "Lemoncello" or "Mike's Hard Lemonade" will replace Budweiser as a sponsor, because, Fox people say they're just more "Christmasy" than Bud.

Working Titles: "Holy Night and Good Luck" was rejected for obvious reasons. Under consideration are, "Home Alone VIII" or simply, elegantly, I think, "Andy Dick's Office Christmas Party Miracle",

I've said too much already, but, well, we're very excited. (When Maya Angelou and Terry Bradshaw do a spoken performance of Matthew 1:18 in the third act, you cry).

I will need a bottle of Wild Turkey long before the party starts....

Margie, that was a truly lovely, poignant post.

But didn't we agree to delete the term "bitch slap" from our vocabulary? Or did we just agree not to do it anymore, at least during office hours? I forget.

Buzz, thanks for bringing back the vision of Terry Bradshaw in "Failure to Launch". Agh. I can just see him standing behind the fish aquarium with Maya...


I'm sorry, I didn't see Terry in that one. I'll catch up with it "On Demand".

Fox likes your idea, in fact, they may have Maya and Terry doing the Matt. 1:18 segment IN an aquarium.

Harley - Steve just said not to do it in the office within range of the security cameras. Wait - that was something else. Never mind.

Also - Harley and the rest of the Tarts - I may need an agent. Clooney gets carte blanche, but I want guarantees on DeVito's limitations. Rhea Perlman scares me.

Buzz - I'll want final script approval. None of this pretend swearing shit. Otherwise, Dick's lines will just be one continuous bleep.

Woo-hoo. Love the boots!

OK, so I have a story about the whole "when are you going to get a man & give me a grandchild" thing. My mother used to take me to buy fancy underwear because she thought that would help get her a grandchild. (I like fancy underwear, so I didn't mention that a guy had to *see* it for it to achieve that purpose.) Anyway, one day we're in the lingerie department of a fancy department store and my mother starts in on wanting a grandchild. And I say "look, I can't even find a guy to date, let alone one to marry." And she says, "you don't have to marry him, you just have to sleep with him" (only not quite so politely).

Now, just at that moment, the octogenarian saleswoman comes around the corner. She looks at us with horror and turns on her stubby legs and hurries the other way.

I was at Disney/MGM and I saw Danny DeVito and his wife's footprints. Given their height, I was surprised how big their feet were.

My New Year's date nightmare - My buddy and his wife arranged a blind date kiss for me. After surving a truly horrible Christmas in 1998, I was prepared for some fun.

On the 30th, my contact ripped. I had to meet my future kiss with my Ray Charles looking glasses. Then that night, I leaned over and the lens of my glasses fell out, for no apparent reason.

I had no tools to fix the problem, so I called and told them,

"Sorry I can't make it - I can't see enough to drive."

My buddy asked me to call at midnight and I agreed. It was a loud night, so I knew I would not fall asleep on the chair - right????

My buddy and his wife never arranged for a blind date kiss for me again.

Kerry - those are great boots, but take it from me, Margie - if you want the high boots, they have to be custom made.

Mine have laces up the back - made by a former very special friend with another special friend in Florence who sends the leather over. They're so good, you almost don't want to take them off. Which is not a problem, at least for awhile...

Dave - wow - that is totally making me really sad. Forget my earlier advice - you just need to get yourself out there, boy. Call a taxi, call a friend - just get the hell out there.

Ah, Margie -- I bow to your superior wisdom. From the sound of it, I think my husband would travel to Florence himself for the leather if I got boots like that . . .

The taxi would not have worked (this is South Florida) that late and my friends were already at the house.

Oh Margie..I can make the story sadder...but it is Christimas Season so consider that a present for you and the rest of the LC readers.

Kerry - yes - he would.

Dave - I don't even want to think about how that could be any sadder. OK, buddy, you either need to move or learn to speak Spanish. Seriously.

Posso esercitarsi nell'italiano preferibilmente????

You can recieve some dating advice on this website:)

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