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December 30, 2006

Margie's Favorite Blog

Margie's Favorite Blog

By Me, Margie

The Boss Ladies told me to pick my favorite blog of the year. It was a tough choice - I mean face it, I'm always good. So I just chose my very first real blog in 2006. I had snuck in and done some short stuff, but this was my first, and they say you never forget. Unless it's, you know, forgettable. Which mine wasn't. Not that some of them haven't been. Please. It just goes to show that you never know with people - some guys look totally hot but when it comes down to it, they just cannot get it done, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. See what I did there? I led you straight to the blog. Because sometimes, it's just not worth trying to educate these guys - I'm not running some kind of 'No Loser Left Behind' program up in here.

Vibrators Gone Mainstream

By Margie, left in charge while the Book Tarts take Friday off to enjoy the summer weather, so she decided to post whatever she wanted, since no one is here to check.

I knew if I was patient enough, I’d live to see the day that anyone could buy a vibrator at the gas station. It kind of puts a whole new spin on alternative fuels.

We’d already made such progress from the mail order days of the plain brown wrappers and the parking in the back of the scumbag XXX Video stores, that I didn’t dare hope for this kind of universal acceptance. The first real sign that we were getting somewhere was when catalogs like The Sharper Image and Time for You started carrying ‘personal massagers’. Who was kidding who? What part of your person do you need a cordless, C-shaped, waterproof yet easily sterilizable buzzing machine to massage? Anyone who could fit that thing anywhere else belongs in a circus (and P.S., call me).

By the mid-‘90s, a woman with taste could choose any number of nicely decorated stores to browse a selection of vibrators in various sizes, shapes and colors. You can mark the evolution of feminism any way you want, but I for one consider the opening of the higher class adult toy stores catering to women as a milestone.

The next step was thanks to Dr. Ruth, who came out said it:

Orgasms are important for better health.

(They cure headaches! They reduce stress! And my favorite: They’re great aerobic exercise! It beats the hell out of 20 minutes on the treadmill, I’ll tell you that.)

Dr. Ruth even recommended a vibrator. Of course, calling the Eroscillator just a vibrator is like calling the 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California just a car. The Eroscillator is a scary looking thing at first blush, but friends who have it swear by it. Oh, the swearing they do - trust me, honey, you do not want to be in the next apartment if you have any sexual issues whatsoever. Really, it’s like a live taping of an Ellora’s Cave audio book. Do they make those? Hmmm, I may have to check that out later.

Then came the sex toy parties. Oh happy day! Now we could get together and drink with our friends and take home a party favor that’s ten times better than any tupperware container. No more leftovers, if you know what I mean. Plus, the demonstrations were informative and educational. There is nothing I like better than learning a little something - or a big something, depending on the mood.

Things were humming along nicely and then, a bump in the road. Who would have thought that national security concerns would have an impact on vibrators? Not my friend Carol, who was more than a little surprised to see someone waving her vibrator around in the carry-on luggage inspection area. More recently, many airport personnel will ask if you’d like to have your bags inspected in private. Too late for Carol, but maybe not for someone else.

The immediate response was the marketing of vibrators shaped like ordinary items you’d pack in a suitcase: lipstick, cigars, shop vacs, flashlights, baseball bats, laser pointers, that kind of thing. Heh - just wanted to see if you were paying attention. One of my friends carries one on her key chain, right next to the Swiss Army Knife. After the unfortunate Carousel incident of 2005, my policy is not to approach anyone holding either of those things in a way that indicates intent.

I thought we had reached the peak of vibrator accessibility, but what do you know -great ideas pop up everywhere. There, in the gas station mini-mart, is a vibrator cleverly disguised as a razor. The first time I saw it, I just laughed - who is going to fall for this - a razor, my ass - who needs a waterproof razor that vibrates? I’ll tell you who - people with nosy roommates. And people with kids who don’t want to have to answer a lot of questions. But mainly, it’s got to be people who have to travel a lot. Now, no matter what kind of battery operated companion you’re packing, you can duct tape a Lady Shick to the side and call it a razor. It’s freakin’ brilliant.

Come on and tell Aunt Margie - what keeps you buzzing?


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Someday when you are famous, we can all say we read Your First. Margie - you should be writing all the time. Get someone else to answer the phones.

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