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December 07, 2006

Annual Christmas Letter

by Nancy's cousin Delphine           

Dear Friends---It's been another blessed year in our household, and I know you can hardly wait to hear about our family "doings" this holiday season!  Every week at our marital counseling session with Reverend Peabody, Fred and I thank our lucky stars we have friends like you to lean on! So let's get straight to the news!

  Yes, our "little girl" is all set to graduate from high school this spring! As you know, Ashley was on track to be her class valedictorian, but the day she got her braces off and insisted we buy a tanning bed and those hair extensions--well, it was a New Beginning for Ashley. Right away, she made the cheerleading squad! Soon she had to give up some of her time-consuming activities like Honor Society and Youth Group at our church to make time for dance lessons at Kick It Up a Notch Studio, but she made us see that being the president of the Abstinence Until Marriage Club for two years looked just as good on her college applications as three years, so she gave that up, too. Now she certainly has a lot of "study partners" keeping her busy--and they're all boys!  She's also made us see the wisdom of her plan to skip Harvard and go to the community college instead.--She's so wonderful to be concerned about Fred and me saving for our Golden Years. (She even has us looking at real estate ads in sunny Burbank, California!) And you'll be glad to know she's overcome that pesky eating disorder. She's really putting on the pounds now!  Reverend Peabody seems very concerned, bless his heart, but Ashley is as happy as a pig in mud!

  Fred Junior was sorry to leave his job at Home Depot when "cutbacks" forced that mean boss of his to let Fred Junior go. Now he was plenty of free time to "hang with his homeys" down at the Brew Pub and play football pool--especially now that he doesn't have to wear that big ankle bracelet anymore. We were surprised when he started parking a brand new Hummer in front of the house, but he says it's a "perk" for applying for a job as a pharmaceutical rep.  See, all those years of Ritalin have finally paid off now that our son is entering the "drug trade!"

  You'll be pleased to hear that my dear little brother Davy is still living in our basement apartment. Even better, he now has a job! Who knew selling stuff on eBay could be so lucrative? We could hardly believe he was willing to part with his Star Wars action figures, but we wanted to support his desire to travel. How exciting to see him come back from Thailand with a new friend! As soon as Tony learns a little more English, we hope to find out if he's a boy or a girl.  And maybe he or she can help me find my missing Hummel collection and Ashley's vintage Cabbage Patch dolls.

  Fred Senior and I continue to "work" on our marriage after that little episode I had with credit cards last Christmas. The bank wasn't very understanding.  (I still had checks in my checkbook!) But Reverend Peabody helped us "make peace." I was so happy Fred agreed to give up all those late nite hours he used to spend on the computer (he needed to "unwind" after the body shop went belly up) that I started going to Jenny Craig at last.  What a great decision! Okay, so Fred has been so busy with his fantasy football league and all those teenage girls who keep showing up at our doorstep looking for "Derek" that he hasn't noticed I've lost 83 pounds yet. But Reverend Peabody has been a real Godsend, especially after he took that massage therapy course at the community college when his congregation told him to "take a hike" after so many years of selfless service to The Lord. (Who do you think got Ashley so excited about going to the community college???) Between Jenny Craig and Reverend Peabody's massage therapy, I am a New Woman! Why, even that nice man who runs the "gentleman's club" next to Curves has inquired about employing me!!

  On a sad note, Grandma has gone to Mexico with her Spiritual Advisor, Mel (they met at AA, so they have plenty in common!) in hopes of finding a cure for her "liver ailment." (We are taking care of her 11 cats, so if you need a "kitty" for Christmas, give us a shout!) And Grandpa wandered off from his 85th birthday party and hasn't been seen since--except that one time on the convenience store video tape--but we have hope he'll come home soon--to pick up his teeth, if nothing else.

  Also, we're sorry to report that Sparky is no longer with us. (In his later years, maybe you fondly knew him--like we did--as "Farty.") After watching that bump on his belly get bigger and bigger, Fred finally took our "faithful friend" to live out the rest of his days on a farm in the country. At least, that's what we told Ashley.

  We know some people find these annual Christmas letters pretty tacky.  Hey, who wants to hear a lot of crowing about succcessful kids and fancy vacations while struggling through life's everyday "hassles?" And most folks spend more time choosing the color and design of the paper the letter is printed on than the actual content.  But I figure this is better than a typed signature at the bottom of a printed card, right?  And I know you are anxious to hear about our various "good tidings"--even if Fred says this is the last year for our little "missive" because postage is too high. Do let me know if you'd like to receive one next year. You can always reach me through Reverend Peabody.

  Oh, and we're thinking of you, too!  Happy holidays!

Delphine               

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Comments

This beats my teen-hit-by-car, first period, and flex-sigmoidoscopy stories.

Oh, and tell Big Fred that email is free, especially when you use that Hotmail thingee and the computers down at the public library.

Delphine - as they say in the south: How nice for you!

What a hoot. Thanks Nancy. Reading today's blog was a fun way to start the day.

Delphine, I am so glad that you found the strong spiritual guidance that the right Reverend Peabody is able to provide.

Loved the post. I am eagerly anticipating some of the glowing reports that will be coming in the mail. I like Josh's take, I would much rather hear a humorous take on the low points, rather than the usual fare, but that may not go over well.

My, my, what an action-packed year you've had, Delphine. So lovely of you to share it with the rest of us, who might be thinking we had, um, issues of our own.

You certainly must be looking forward to a wonderful holiday. Perhaps you should plan to set a few extra places just in case Ashley, Fred Junior or Davy invite some special friends. And that metal detector Fred Senior has been recommending for the basement door? Good idea.

*mopping coffee off keyboard* Perfect way to begin my day!

Okay. Put me down for 4 of Grandma's cats. But don't send any that have tumors, plz.

Does Fred, Jr. sell that special medicine? I'm just asking . . .

Kerry - I cannot give him a reference, I'll tell you that.

Plus, I still can't believe people are driving a car called A Hummer.

Wait a minute. I thought Tony was Reverend Peabody's "cousin."

Delphine. Call me.

And where is my Princess Diana plate collection???

Delphine? Delphiiiiiiinnnneeeee!!!!!!!!

Loved this blog! But then, I get a hoot out of every group Xmas letter I receive.

I've been trying to get Delphine on the phone all day, but the message is garbled.--Something about Vegas and Tony, but I'm not exactly sure. And if anyone knows what happened to our TV and the Christmas presents I had stashed in the upstairs closet, please call. I think somebody jimmied the lock on the back door while I was out.

Check out this link to see some examples of creative newsletters.

http://www.faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=5410

The ones that say My Christmas/Annual Newsletter are exactly that, and the one that says “Xaviera’s Christmas Letter” is a spoof I wrote back in the ‘80’s.

Brenda Kern

My mind is like a fog. I've just been sitting around doing nothing. Today was a loss.

Al consumo critico antiracket lÒOscar della partecipazione civica

I am thinking of starting a massage therapy course as nowadays this has become very profittable profession.This might be a very good decision for me.

Thank you! I delighted!
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