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October 24, 2006

Armageddon as Brought to You by People Magazine

By Sarah
I've never been a fan of the Book of Revelation. Too poorly written. Too crazy. Though I have to admit a personal fondness for the concept of the Whore of Babylon. In my next life, that's who I'm going to be. Or maybe just for Halloween. I haven't decided.

Still, I don't need John of Patmos's bestseller to know when Armageddon is around the corner. It's here. Oh, yes. And I'm not talking devastating earthquakes and floods and global warming and Mideast wars. No, my friends. I'm talking about what happened when I opened my People Magazine this weekend and found proof positive that we are living in the End Times.

Danielle Steele "parfum." I kid you not.

Danielle_steele And there was Danielle looking as thin and not old as she's supposed to be, her long flowing hair trailing down the back of her (clearly) Christian Dior gown. Is this the future of commercial literature - perfume? What's next? Stephen King Halloween Costumes? (Call me, Steve, we'll talk.) Nicholas Sparks Kleenex? J. K. Rowling jelly beans. Well, uhm, yes. I guess so. Skip that.

Okay, we won't delve into to the ethics of authors pushing perfume, or the fabulous business sense entailed, since reading and smelling are so, well, compatible. I, personally, am issuing lavender scented candles to accompany my upcoming hardcover THE SLEEPING BEAUTY PROPOSAL. As for BUBBLES ALL THE WAY (comes out in two weeks!), I'm thinking Sarah Strohmeyer Pierogies. Onions. Potatoes. Boiled dough. Is that not me? Or should I go with funnel cake? Tough choice. Which is more fattening?

But wait. Author perfume isn't the only Armageddon sign I've been seeing. How about the fact that nearly every day now some wealthy white female celebrity is adopting (stealing?) babies from Africa. I mean, really, this has to stop. I am especially irked that Madonna hired - hired! - a nanny to whisk the poor child out of the Dark Continent and bring him to her vast, cold estate in the English countryside where she awaited in black leather on a cross. Hide your puppies because Cruella Deville has a passport.

Another Armageddon sign: Owen Wilson steadily dating Kate Hudson, eating brunch and reading theKate_and_owen  Sunday newspaper while she plays with her baby. No, no, no and no. First of all, Owen, you're supposed to be out partying all night, not eating egg white omelets with a baby stroller nearby in the bright early morning. Where's the hangover? Where's the part about how you forget her name after a fabulous night of hot and sweaty horse sex? Honestly, I am very disappointed. Now, get back to bed.

Speaking of the Whore of Babylon, do we have to look any further than our very mortal, very slutty Anna Nicole Smith? The last dish - that she slept with a millionaire, inquired after his wealth, and revealed to him that she was pregnant only to learn he'd had a vasectomy (doh!) - might as well include the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse (and, no, I'm not talking George Clooney's rat pack).

What I want to know is, did she run out of money? Because last I checked, Anna Nicole Smith had just convinced the US Supreme Court to let her pursue half of her deceased husband's $1.6 billion Anna_nicole_smith estate. Of course she never lived with J. Howard Marshall, the oil billionaire, whom she married when he was 89 and she was 26. I don't care if she lived with him. I want to know if he got that one wedding night of glory with the former Vickie Lynn Hogan, a wedding night worth approximately $800 million, perhaps the most expensive hook up in history.

I won't get into the other signs of Armageddon: K-Fed working as an actor, Paul McCartney accused of lying around naked and drunk, threatening his second wife with broken wine glasses (oh, please.) There are way too many indicators the cosmos is unraveling to list (though, do feel free.)

I suppose the only thing to do now is either build a bomb shelter or pray. Pray hard. Because if K-Fed gets an Oscar, this world is over.The only good news is, it'll be taking Britney with it.

Sarah

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Comments

What is this Revelation thing?

Oh, my son just told me that it is "the last book of the bible, by John, supposedly about a bunch of crazy visions he saw." Amazing what 11 years of Catholic school learns you.

If a Philadelphia professional sports team won a championship, that would show the end was near.

Oooh, Josh, I gotta call you on this one. You got the cities wrong.

If the Saints win the Super Bowl--The End.

If the Saints win the Super Bowl IN THE SUPERDOME (thereby breaking The Curse of Building a Sports Arena Atop a Voodoo Graveyard)--well, what comes after The End?

...and now a siren song.....

"Any Major Dude with half a heart would tell you my friend,

any minor world that falls apart,
falls together again!

When the demon is at the door,
in the morning he won't be there NO MORE,

any major dude would tell you....any major dude would tell you..."

...from Brother S.Dan

Paul McCartney naked. At one time, that mental image would have short-circuited my brain. Now it just seems like a peek through a half-opened door in a nursing home, doesn't it? It's been a hard day's night suddenly makes sense.

I actually think Paul McCartney has aged pretty gracefully. He's not trying too hard to stay young.

There was a great piece in the Times yesterday about a Paul Simon concert, and what a relief it was that he wasn't prancing around in tight pants at the age of 65. The reviewer commented that even when Paul Simon was a young man, he was old at heart. Very true.

Anna Nicole has NOT gotten the money yet, because these things take years. Decades. I know this because we have a small (very small) share in that money. You know. Enough to send Firstborn to college (my husband was one of her 4,089 lawyers) (not the one that married her.)

Sarah, please send large box of S. Strohmeyer pierogis in time for the holidays. 6 dozen should do it.

I've thought of Paul naked - or is that Sir Paul - and, yes, that's nice. But I'll tell you what really got me were those photos Linda took of him as a new father, holding baby under his coat in Scotland. Oh, man. Those eyes. That sensitivity. Scotland!

HAH! Cruella DeVille has a passport!

I'm not worried about Owen Wilson. I think that's just a beard-like doppleganger so people THINK he's settled, when really, he and Vince and Luke are still out getting hammered. Because otherwise, they are getting older, and I cannot have that.

In a related story, they are running The Lost Boys this week as part of a Halloween TV marathon. I didn't see it the first time around. Way too young for me now, but holy shit, I have to say that it should share marquee space with Buffy as something that led to the current hot paranormal pheonom in books. Kiefer Sutherland's eyes are a creepfest in and of themselves, so say nothing of the tresses on those boys. Apparently they lost their scissors as well.

P.S. Stop talking about naked Beatles.

They never did it for me. Maybe I was too young, but they were always to skinny.

Kathy, since you brought up Buffy, is it okay to talk about naked Spike? Or naked Paul Simon?
(Sorry, couldn't let that pass....)

Yes! Naked Spike!

Please forgive me if I'm being overly sensitive here but as an African-American female and aspiring mystery writer who usually loves this blog I am a bit disappointed about the comment made about "Wealthy white women adopting children from Africa". Don't get me wrong, I'm no huge Madonna fan and she was the last person I expected to adopt a child let alone a third world child, but there are a lot of other celebrities and individuals out there who do fall head over heals in love with these deprived children and feel a need to help them and their community.

I also can be a bit selfish in the respect that I feel like there a lot of deserving children here in this country that need families too, we shouldn't have to go all the way to Africa to save a deserving child from poverty. Just like I will never understand why people will go all the way to China to adopt a child instead of possibly taking a chance on an African-American or Hispanic child in this country.

But I'll get off my political soap box now and I'm not a politcal person (not usually), just remember ladies to mind your p's and q's you never know who's reading this blog and I'm sure you would hate to lose any fans due to a stupid comment.

I agree Renaissancegirl...

especially about the Anna Nicole Smith comments. She just lost her 20 year old son. Give her a break...

When the CBS news ends here, one of those Access Hollywood shows comes on, and Anna Nicole is the lead story about half the time. I cringe. Because aside from the breast implants, I don't see what she's done to attract the kind of slavering, aggressive, salacious attention those shows lavish on her. And the dead child ought to give her a lifetime pass, if you ask me.

At the risk of planting my foot firmly in my mouth, celebrity itself brings attention. There are some who say thank and go about their lives as much as possible, and there are those who begin their careers by being as outrageous as possible and manage to revisit that behavior when publicity flags. Anna Nicole is certainly an example, not even taking into account her marriage. Her over the top lifestyle was actually showcased on MTV or VH1 BEFORE she turned to Trim Spa (baby). IMHO she thrives on the publicity. My heart goes out to her because of the loss of her child, but suggestive or irresponsible behavior is just that. As far as any celebrity adopting ANY child, the publicity itself can make people wonder the motives. For those old enough to remember, Hollywood stars adopted children in the late forties and early fifties and then fobbed them off on nannies and private schools. And, sadly, adopting an American child of any nationality just doesn't do it for the press.
I read Sarah's piece as a kind of "now I've seen almost everything" comment on what goes on in this crazy society. As for me, I know the world is coming to an end. I just bought a new car after driving my trusty Escort for 17 years!
Peace.

You're right, Maryann. It was a "now I've seen almost everything" blog. The idea was to take a look at last week's People Mag and kind of sum it up. Yeesh. Who knew People was a font of controversy?

I agree with you, Renaissancegirl, that it would be nice to support adoptions within this country. But having read the concerns of human rights group in Africa, I found their concerns about the Madonna adoption interesting and sad. A Malawi father who thinks he might have been tricked into giving up his son permanently? That has nothing to do with race. That's just sad. And wrong.

Okay, I take it back about Anna Nicole. I won't even mention her white wedding dress and her "marriage" aboard the yacht before her son was buried. Mea culpa.

I think I must be confused.

Was it not Anna Nicole Smith who did her own reality show where she put herself on TV?

It is indeed a wonder that such an innocent and shy flower attracts so much lurid media attention.

I must be confused as well. K-Fed was supposed to be acting? I thought he was playing himself - a thug.

I'd go for the funnel cake, Sarah. Must be more fattening - all that wonderful greasy fried dough. Love them.

I personally like Oprah's way of helping African children - build them schools and give them things they need. But that's me.

Perhaps Madonna should offer to adopt the father too.

Laura:
I think I read somewhere (more People?) that certain countries in Africa were drafting legislation to ban foreign adoptions. However, they were encouraging the efforts - like Oprah - to build them schools, etc...BTW, I have a great site run by Oxfam for anyone who knits and wants to donate sweaters overseas. email me and I'll send you the pattern and the link.

And, okay, I'm going with funnel cake. How about, Sarah's Fat Ass Funnel Cake?

Oohhhh, funnel Cake. I could definitely go for some! LOL! I love what you are going to call it, Sarah!

As for the commentary, I also just took it as the "know I've seen everything" school of thought. The celebs put themselves out there, so anything they do "out there" seems to be fair game.

I would love to adopt some day, but for now I support a little girl in the Domincan through World Vision. I figure that it is the next best thing, and not only she but also her family benefits.

Debby:

That is so cool. Like a lot of people, I've read about these programs and thought, do they work? Does the money go to the kids and not the overhead? (Though you gotta have some overhead.) World Vision. I will have to check it out.

Sarah,

Yes, World Vision does have some overhead, but most of the money goes to the children. I got involved with them through Women of Faith.

I also support a school in Guatemala. I have been there in the past (mission trip), and a good friend of mine is a teacher/missionary at the school with her family. 100% of donated funds go to the students. The only way my friend gets funded is if people actually choose to sponsor her!

It's easy to reduce our dependence on plastic bags - it just takes some awareness of their harmful impact, some information on the alternatives, and tips on how to start.

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